whatiwonder

There's always more...

2012-01-27T12:31:00.000-05:00

Or maybe i'm just really, really slow.

[This post runs the risk of being TMI - ironic for the kind of blog it is, but it's a touchy one for me]

This all started for us in the bedroom. That's where our problems lay at the time. The progression from there was just what naturally happened.

We've come a long way - i've come a long way. In my previous life, i barely let him touch me; the parts of my body i was unhappy with were forbidden, and frankly, that left very little. This morning, my husband laid me out on our bed and claimed my entire body - touching, stroking, rubbing, scratching, possessing every bit of me. He transports me when he does this. All my focus is on him, not on my body or my perceptions of my body. My skin reaches out and listens for his touch. My body responds to him alone, not to me.

But there are layers in everything, aren't there? Learning your way past each challenge seems to just reveal a new one. And I fall into the trap of thinking that, just because i can't see the next dragon to slay, there must not be any more.

He loves making me come - he just does - he always has. And now, well - i think he's a kid in a candy shop, or a boy with a new toy, literally.

And the issue, the touchy part for me, the dragon, is that my body hasn't turned that over to him. Orgasms are not multiple or easy things for me. They don't happen *to* me, I have to participate, at least mentally. I have to nudge them along. I don't mean fantasizing about something else, maybe even the opposite: i have to be very there. I have to focus and maybe even work for it. In the end though, they remain under my control, and not even particularly good control at that. I work to do what he wants, to follow his lead and give him what he is asking for. But somehow following his direction, however faithfully, doesn't feel the same as just getting out and letting him drive.

This feels like a failure to me. I don't think he sees it that way, I'm not sure. It's both very subtle, and quite overwhelming for me. I don't know if this is a "just the way my body is, no point in worrying about it" thing, or if it's in my head and is in fact related to not letting go of some level of control.

and i can't even imagine - if i could slay this dragon, what on earth would the next one look like?

sometimes it's good for him to let me keep the control - just a little

2012-01-24T11:01:00.001-05:00

A really unusual turn of events had me driving 5 teenager boys through a snowstorm in the mountains with my husband to be picked up later to meet us. The highway was passable, but slow and a little anxious. I'm very familiar with driving in snow - just not mountains. At our destination, the roads were not cleared and the 5 teenagers came in handy pushing the van out of a few spots it wasn't designed for. We got everything done that we needed to do, then i left with two of them to drive through more snowy mountains to get my husband. By the time we got to where he was, i was on edge with the prolonged concentration of that kind of driving.

Typically, my husband prefers to drive - actually, prefers is a little mild, he almost always drives. It's been a thing as long as we've been together. As i pulled up to pick him up i was having a little trouble letting go of the steering wheel. I had been on and managing weird conditions and feeling very responsible for the boys in my care over a very long day. It occurred to me all of a sudden that i was not at all sure i would be able to switch off so easily. I was pretty certain that if he drove, i would still feel a need to be in in charge and "on" and that might end with me acting in some pretty unacceptable ways.

He must have had a clue that would be the case. He slid into the passenger side, told me he loved me, and off we went. Once we we all safely back where we needed to be, i was finally able to let go and turn off.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I wrote this a few days ago and have been hemming and hawing about publishing it. Reading it, looking at it from the outside a bit, makes me feel very conflicted.

I sound, to me, like someone who is only marginally competent, like i've given up any ability to handle stresses or situations or make decisions or manage day to day life. Like i've given over my brain with my consent.

I really, really don't like this image of myself.

And i know damn well it isn't what my husband wants of me.

The fact is, what he wants of me is to be more, not less. He wants me to take on challenges. He wants me to think and function independently, but with him, not away from him.

It was a stressful day. It would have been for him as well. In the end - it is more helpful to each of us for me to be able to do what needs to be done when it needs to happen, and for him to be able to trust that.

And i don't think i've lost that confidence somewhere, I do think i've lost sight of the fact that it's really ok for me to have it.

somewhere along the way.......

2012-01-17T06:54:00.000-05:00

Somehow it just happened.

It all turned into that thing that i never thought it would - that thing that intrigued but repelled and scared the piss out of me all at the same time.

Somewhere along the way he stepped completely in front and i find myself needing to keep up.

At some point he moved into his own skin and is moving and stretching and loving the feel of it.

tying things together

2012-01-14T10:53:00.000-05:00

This one is going to have - as my husband would say - lots of words.

I have felt odd about my last post - wondering why i needed to think about "feeling like less" - since the idea that any person is somehow of less value than another isn't one i've ever accepted. The right and wrong of the whole question should have been as obvious to me as it was to everyone who commented. But there was something - not a truth in the idea - but something i felt like i was missing - some point i needed to catch.

During the same month or so - i had some tough times with my husband - specifically - times i needed to submit and failed to in spectacular ways.

Even i was able to recognize they were probably related.

My instinct was that i was feeling too full of myself - that there was an element of humility (not humiliation-they are different) that i was lacking recently. But that's as far as i was able to figure.

My friend who helps me figure things out sometimes was able to help me see some important things about all this.

Things with my husband had come up when i felt like he hadn't listened to me or heard my side of things. They were not small issues - they were things i felt very strongly about; i felt i was right and that they were important not because i was right but that being addressed correctly was important to our family. I didn't accept his decision and i blew up - tears, yelling, lots of not so pretty words.

The part that i had trouble with is that he didn't back down when i couldn't come his way. I wasn't upset that he didn't cave in and go with my way, but that he kept pushing and I felt like it was too hard, that i was at my end and he was going to have to back off, come back to it later, take a time out. But he didn't. I was confused and very, very angry. I had gone beyond where i knew how to go.

My feeling is that he was really reading it wrong and being very defensive himself - and i didn't know if i could really learn to swallow my pride and ego in times like that. It was also a struggle between whether i trust myself and what i see - or trust him, when we see things differently. Again, it's easy to see that as pride and ego; but somehow it felt deeper than that - like my giving in did make me less than him somehow - that my view and thoughts are second class.

My friend asked if holding on to my pride and ego get me what i want? No, but its a very ingrained thing to do. "So?" He pointed out that it was a fear - that it would have cost me a bit of who i believe i am and that is the crux of the fear.

He made several more points that have helped me work my way through this thing:

"Being submissive does not and has never meant being a doormat and you must be able to voice your opinion. Often this dynamic should not change your right and ability to disagree or promote a different agenda, what it changes is how you do that."

"The root cause of almost all fighting is the desire to be right. D/s as a relationship model is about removing that desire and replacing with a far more co-operational approach."

"So I think as you move forward in thinking about your submission you should not think so much about what you have to give up or how you just have to accept, but in terms of how you park ego and pride to allow honest communication to occur - communication that deals with solutions instead of being right."

These things have helped me see why i reacted so strongly, what was making it such a difficult thing for me, and how to try to change my responses.

A lot of working this through was done with my husband. I was able to tell him why i had so much trouble, how i had felt. And he explained his expectations for how i respond. I can see that he will listen to me, but that i need to learn to trust that i can put my pride and my ego aside and that it doesn't make me less in his eyes.

submissive as less than

2012-01-09T14:52:00.000-05:00

A few things i've come across and read lately have painted the picture of submissive being "less than" Dominant.

They were subtle - and from people within the lifestyle - so it wasn't the ignorant "submissve must mean doormat" from someone who has no idea about anything.

But the message was clear - it was still - a submissive is somehow less than a Dominant.

Obviously - sub is sub - literally - below; by definition and convention - bottom, subject to, subjugated to, and under, among other adjectives.

But this kind of "less than" that i ran across was more along the lines of less value, less desirable, less admirable, less how a person ought to be, than a statement of relative position in a dynamic.

The implication was that submissive is a stage to go through and learn from, but ultimately to outgrow. Or - submissive is for those who can't quite cut it at being Dominant: as in "those who can - do, those who can't - teach" - except with Dom and sub instead.

My knee jerk reaction to this implication was indignation.

Then i thought about it awhile and thought maybe it was the predominant view, or maybe even reality, in parts of the BDSM community with which i'm not familiar, that is to say - lots of parts. Maybe in clubs, for example, where people are D or s perhaps independent of a partner...maybe in that context people do tend to grow through stages of submission --> Dominance.

Then i mulled it over for a few weeks and started seeing other sides to it:

Being ruled, being overruled, being subjected to humiliations - no matter how small, or physically dominated or - well - the list goes on - all these things are designed to put one in (her) place. They are potentially - or in other contexts would be very demoralizing, deflating, probably damaging. They work to maintain the power distribution and meet the vastly different needs of the people involved (the D's to be dominant, the s's to submit).

But there is a very fine line between maintaining a dynamic and breaking one person down by building yourself up; doing actual damage; each party believing the D is just a more worthwhile person than the s.

Or is there?

Maybe i'm supposed to truly want that - maybe that is the issue - maybe that is truly what submission is.

I am saying this sincerely, not sarcastically, maybe to truly give oneself, to truly submit, one has to believe that (she) is not as valuable as her Master/Dom. Or - to see it the other way - maybe i am not truly submitting if i don't believe he is altogether better than i am.

I know i'm not there. I'm not outraged or even indignant at the whole thought anymore- but i don't want to be less than. I admire my husband enormously and will tell you he is more than me in a great many ways, maybe in most ways.

But I don't think i believe he is more worthwhile as a person than i, and i'm really not ready to accept that i am less worthwhile as a category.

But can one really be submissive without that shift?

observations - ours and others'

2012-01-05T08:09:00.004-05:00

Our holidays were generally good - time with lots of family over Christmas, and reconnecting with good friends over New Years. We traveled then we hosted several extra families in our house. We are fortunate, and blessed, in so, so many ways - and we are thankful for this. My husband pointed out to me that the picture presented in my blog didn't reflect this.

My two most recent posts have been downers - i know. I absolutely believe that with ttwd - our highs are higher, and the lows are tougher to take. The disconnect and the disappointment in myself and hence, frustration with him, that i felt so acutely - wouldn't have been blips on the radar previously. I know that whatever we are in the midst of figuring out - is important. And i know that, in spite of the wilder ups and downs, neither of us thinks we aren't much better off now. (Follow all the double negatives there? ttwd = good)

In various conversations over the holidays - some things people said struck me and i tucked them away to think about:

Close friends - who have known us for more than 20 years - commented that we were visibly so much happier together than we have been before that they thought it was altogether too cute (not sure they considered cute a compliment - but the happy part they did).

In talking in generalities about relationship styles, i joked that i just say "yes dear" and agree to whatever i'm asked to do - and that makes the relationship easier.... One of our friends became really animated and adamant that i shouldn't tease my husband that way - that it was cruel to let him think such a thing was even possible...

Funny thing is - he is one of the ones who said we are too cute - he never put 2 + 2 together. I suppose i should think more about how i had appeared - or actually had been - all those years. Maybe i need to think about how i appear still.

I asked my husband about his views in the conversation about giving and taking started by Jake and continued by Aisha - esp my discomfort with the thought that i make things more work for him now - because it is more effort, more engagement, more work for him to pay attention to me than when we had more parallel vs. interconnected existences. He pointed out that it has always been his nature to want to be challenged, to not take the easy path. Among other things, he runs marathons for fun and relaxation: putting in effort for things he values is who he is. I had never thought of it that way before.

The next month has the potential to be difficult for me. He will be gone - a lot, and our time when he is here will be filled with family. Family is good of course, but after the past few weeks, the submissive me knows that i will struggle without his control. And - the greedy little thing in me really wants some attention too. I have a feeling i will be learning a lot about active submission - and hopefully self control, i have a feeling they are quite related.

just off

2012-01-03T09:41:00.000-05:00

I feel like recently we are a machine all out of whack - the gears mis-matched, the drives mis-aligned, the belts slipping all over - lots of energy being put in and all of it being sucked into the noise and clatter and wasted motion - very little of use being produced.

I don't seem to know how to communicate anything to him. And i feel like he is listening differently - in a way i don't know how to work with.

I have no idea if this is just bad timing: the two of us each just being off for whatever reason. Or if there is some fault in the foundation that is now destabilizing us. Or if it's one of those breakdowns that seems to be necessary leading up to some next step.

But - it's hard to fix a machine while it's running. To figure out where to start putting things back in place - you have to stop it, tinker with it, start it slowly, see how it's going, stop, tinker some more.... Sticking your hands in and trying to move things around while the wheels are flying isn't so easy.

To be more specific - and less metaphorical - we have a house to run and a family to raise - we have to communicate about everything from the mundane to the very serious.

Lately - i can't seem to get it right. I don't tell him things i should, i do express things i shouldn't - and in ways i shouldn't.

Communication needs to happen and goes right and wrong in all kinds of relationships. So i think maybe i'm trying to make it too complicated - trying to make it somehow different - to fit our "different" dynamic - maybe that's where i'm screwing up. Or maybe it is different now, maybe the expectations are really altered - and i'm just not hitting the target?

I'm very frustrated with myself for not being able to see where my problem is and address it. And - rightly or wrongly - i'm frustrated with him too. It takes two.

What i really want is for him to him to stick his hands in the machine, straighten everything out, and fix it all. But it takes two - so i at least want him to stand next to me and peer in and while we try to figure out what's what.

not either-or

2011-12-28T10:44:00.000-05:00

We've had a really nice holiday break so far, and at the same time, a fairly difficult one.

There are those people in life who've had so much trouble come their way, whose lives are so unrelentingly and grindingly difficult, that i really think God owes them another go around, with nothing but sunshine and daisies and happiness and light - just to make up for this lifetime. This is my family, who I love deeply, and who we visited with over the holiday. I want to help - i have spent my life trying to help - but it is all un-helpable. There is no way out. So visiting is both very good, and very, very hard.

Sometimes i can negotiate the minefields of being with them well, other times not so well. Sometimes i can resist the screwed up dynamics and behave the way i intend to and want to be. Other times i fail and i get sucked in and act in screwed up ways myself. Sometimes, often, i feel trapped between my family, my husband and children, and my family, my parents and siblings. This was one of those times: i tried to walk the line, but i failed.

I failed to respect and trust my husband, and i upset and hurt him terribly. And i feel awful that i hurt him this way. But, at the same time, i am entirely unsure how to have handled things differently. And i can't say i won't make the same mistake again, not because i would choose to hurt him, but i don't know if i will always be able to find the line that gracefully satisfies everyone. Or, if that option doesn't exist, i don't know if i can overcome a lifetime of being the peacemaker within my family.

It has taken, is taking, my husband some time to feel better, get past it, be back to normal...which is just really unusual for him. And i both understand this, and don't understand it. I know he's human and that he is hurt and angered like anyone else. I don't understand the magnitude, but i don't resent it or feel he is being unfair; i do wonder what more is behind it. It leaves me feeling lost, shut out, and very unsure of myself.

And it all leaves me feeling a number of things at once about ttwd: Are the lows worth the highs? Or is a more mundane middle ground better? I can choose to follow him when the cost is easy, but can i actually do it when the cost is higher? Do i need to be careful and not make him regret his choice to work this way - is it too hard for him? Is it worth it to him? Can i really find the balance between being myself and being His? Is this truly an either-or?

very submissive

2011-12-21T09:37:00.001-05:00

The other day the stars (and our schedules) finally aligned and we had some time alone.

He used the things that work, that are triggers i guess, for me - ankles and wrists cuffed, neck collared, naked, waiting, but exposed.

He was in and out at first - working, but checking in and directing me. He had me quiet and still, he directed me to focus on him, on being for him, on being the way he likes me.

He's never really done that before.

Previously, time spent waiting has been filled with a touch of anxiety, a lot of arousal, and on bad days - my mind wandering off who know's where.

This time was different, i was easily able to let my head fill with him.

I do love this man. That's all i can tell you about what was in my head - i'm not sure it was any more specific than that - and that is very surprising for me.

Later i know he used me: he moved me and manipulated me and made me feel him.

And as we lay together afterwards he told me i had been very submissive, and that he really liked me that way.

That's new for him - it's huge in fact - it kinda shocked me.

He has always only talked around the idea of my being submissive - he would talk about my being respectful, sexual, peaceful, more focused, more connected... but all only pieces of the whole.

For a long time, he was uncomfortable with the idea, or maybe he would say - he was trying to understand the idea of submissive and how it applied to me - to us.

He has come to see - and actually - he has made it so that submissive for me doesn't negate or eliminate the traits he loves in me.

And i think he had come to peace in his head that submissive - for me - could be a good thing, not an un-doing of many of my strengths. He definitely liked the changes in me and between us.

Aisha described the essence of submission so nicely here.

I have felt this before, but somehow, not as clearly or as genuinely as this time. Maybe his directions for focus were what i needed, maybe i needed to feel he wanted this from me, or at least accepted it.

The good feelings, the connection, the "glow" carried over for several days. But more so than that - i think he saw the depth of my feelings and he saw that as good. And I'm thrilled.

fine, good

2011-12-16T07:35:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it's the simplest things i really just can't manage. I mean really simple.

When he asks how my day was - i turn to one word answers - "fine, good" - and then try like heck to change the subject: get him to talk about his day, whatever is coming up we need to plan out, pretty much anything else.

I could say i have no idea why i can't answer properly - except that my reluctance to talk about specifics of my day is always accompanied by a bristly feeling inside and an unspoken, "why do you want to know?" This is true no matter if i've had a good day, a trying day, or a day that i felt like i failed at things all over the place.

I can say - i think i've always felt this way to some degree. And i don't know why i should be so defensive abotu such a simple thing.

lots of things that may or may not make sense

2011-12-13T10:02:00.001-05:00

I've been able to manage only bullet points for thoughts lately - somewhere in there are important things - i think..

Sex -it just does not cease to amaze me how much sex has come to mean - come to be part of our lives - our thoughts - our connection to each other, part of our language for each other. It's wound through everything else - not off separate or sequestered - and how ok that is. How i can feel and think about sex and him and it is really right and good. How he can use that for me or against me (which is really for me). How is it that this was not always the case?

Active submission - he would like that of me, in fact, he insists on it. I can and in fact need to just tell him how i feel. If i am unclear - or don't understand - i should ask. If i am feeling needy - i should tell him or at least show him - not wait - wait for him as the all knowing, magic guy-in-charge to just "know." i should cuddle up, sit at his feet, rub a bit, make some overtures, something... He's getting tired of me heading off a cliff over things he didn't know were brewing. And - yes - it still counts as submitting even if i initiate it - he'll let me know if he wants whatever it is or not.

I sometimes write things here that are probably quite uninteresting to most people. My intent in starting to blog a few yrs ago was to be able to express things to my husband that i couldn't quite manage face to face. I've gotten much better at telling him things outright, but i still find it very useful for hashing out ideas that i can't quite untangle in my head. And i've come to treasure the connections and feedback and perspectives from all of you the blog has allowed. Many of the posts my husband appreciates the most are the ones least interesting to anyone else. My previous post was one of those - not terribly interesting to anyone but him. But it led him to explain to me exactly why he won't play mind games as any part of our dynamic: he is *ALL* about honesty, transparency, and openness between us, first and foremost. I knew that - but hadn't made the connection. It took me - well - a very long time to wonder the question - he had his answer to it ages ago.

incompatibilty?

2011-12-10T09:50:00.000-05:00

I like to think and wonder and turn things around and around in my mind - not emotions so much - but what makes people tick, their inner workings. I don't claim to really understand myself, much less anyone else, but i like thinking about it, reading about it, putting new ideas together. I do like learning about philosophies, theologies, psychologies... Books, movies, essays, music, anything that presents new ideas about why people are the way they are, that's what i like.

Him - not at all.

He is fascinated by groups - the results of group dynamics - history, politics, economics, government - even sports. And facts - putting the facts together to see how it all turns out. He is - i'm not sure what - concrete, direct, no-nonsense (definitely that). But that all makes him sound flat or shallow or even unintelligent - all of which are incorrect.

He just rolls his eyes at my lines of thinking, and frankly, i can't even fake curiosity about the things that interest him.

And this difference plays out in our interactions too - not just in our taste in books or movies.

In our relationship - previously - and more recently than i care to admit -well - we've sometimes (too often) had that cliche'd argument in which i wanted to dissect every word and emotion and subtle gesture of what went wrong to figure out what it all meant. I wanted to talk and talk and talk about why and how...he wanted to call it done and have it be done. There's no easy middle ground between those two.

I actually want to think and talk and ponder and wonder about the good parts too. I want to know why this or that has this or that effect on me - or on him. What does he think about it, why, how would that change...

He, it seems to me, considers the facts, weighs the pros and cons, decides, and that's that.

It has taken me some time to realize it doesn't mean he is less invested than i am - because that is what i thought. My impression was that he was just doing it - as in going through the motions. To me, not wanting to parse it all out and try to understand it all the same way i wanted to meant he didn't really care.

And sometimes i think i want someone who will muck around in the depths of my psyche - play the mind games with me, impact me and manipulate me more mentally, use that as one more tool in his bag of tricks. Of course, i also think that could be much riskier and likely to blow up badly than any of the things we do now.

Also - where is the line between kink we play with to tease, to arouse, and to flirt, versus what he might use to provide control and containment and to keep me feeling strongly tied to him and going the way he wants, versus what is so interwoven into every bit of each of our days that it is no longer distinguishable as an intentional tool? At what level would i really be able to tolerate him seriously playing mind games with me?

So - yes - this is an area in which we are not so compatible.

It sounds insincere to say i've learned to live with it - but i have. I have learned more about how i am, and about how he is - and that, in many ways, it's good for us to be different from each other.

And, objectively, it sounds downright hokey to talk about liking the idea of doing things his way. And believe me - i've thought about it - and i don't understand it - but i do like the idea of doing things his way.

The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza 2011

2011-12-07T06:31:00.001-05:00

You know how there are those things that, as a wife, you will just never be able to do as well as you mother in law did? In my case - i will never be able to make adequate hot chocolate and I won't even attempt pies.

Their Christmas morning tradition involved warm sticky buns (the pecan roll type - come on y'all). So when our kids were little my husband asked me to start the tradition here. I make them every year on the 24th and we have them with coffee and juice while we open gifts. The boys would even forestall finding out what Santa brought them to wait for the rolls to warm up.

Sticky Buns

1.5 cups warm water

2.25 + .25 cups sugar

2 envelopes active dry yeast

1 Tbsp vegetable oil

1 tsp salt

1.5 cups whole wheat flour

2 cups (about) all purpose flour

1.5 cup (3 sticks) unsalted butter – room temperature

3 Tbsp ground cinnamon

1.5 cups (medium) chopped pecans

1 cup very coarsely chopped pecans

Combine 1.5 cups warm water and .25 cups sugar in a large bowl. Sprinkle yeast over and let stand until foamy. Mix in vegetable oil and salt. Combine two flours – then mix into liquid one cup at a time to form a soft dough. Turn dough out onto a floured work surface. Knead dough until smooth and elastic, adding more all purpose flour if sticky, about 10 minutes.

Lightly oil another large bowl. Place dough in bowl and turn it to coat with oil. Cover bowl with plastic wrap then a kitchen towel and let it rise in a warm, draft free area until doubled in volume, about 1 hr.

Beat butter, cinnamon, and remaining 2.25 cups of sugar in a medium bowl to blend.

Turn dough out onto floured work surface (do not punch down). Roll out or press dough gently to 16X10 inch rectangle. Using spatula, spread 1.25 cups of butter mixture evenly over the dough. Sprinkle with medium chopped pecans. Starting at one long side, roll up jelly rolls tyle, forming a log. Pinch seam and ends to seal. Cut log crosswise into 12 equal pieces. Spread remaining butter mixture over bottom of 15X10X2” baking pan. Sprinkle coarsely ground pecans over butter mixture. Arrange rolls cut side down in prepared pan, spacing evenly. Cover pan with plastic wrap. Let rolls rise in warm draft free area until light and puffed, about 30 min.

Position rack in center of oven and preheat to 325 (F). Bake rolls uncovered until tops are golden brown, about 35 min.

Remove pan from oven. Using a sharp knife, cut around the sides of pan. Place large baking sheet over pan. Invert rolls onto baking sheet. Serve warm or at room temperature.

And huge thanks to JZ for organizing the second annual recipe exchange!!! Below is the list of other participants - i even hear that most of them followed the rules and have recipes for actual cookies.

Aisha
Alice
Ally
Another Suburban Mom
Ashly Star
Beau
Beth
Conina
Elysia
greengirl
Hedone
Jack & Jill
His wyld rose
Infidelity Chronicles
Jz
Kirsti
Krissy
lil
Linda Long
Little Monkey
Lola!
Mijena
mouse
Naughty Kitty
nilla
ponderouspet
ronnie
Rose
Ryan
Sara
selkie (her recipe here, her blog here)
Sephani Page
Serenity
shadesofblue
striving for peace
sin
Tempting Sweets
The Missus
undercovermetamorphosis
Viemoira

waiting

2011-12-03T09:00:00.003-05:00

Dontcha just hate it when you're too busy trying to keep up with life to stop and contemplate the meaning of it all?? Or heaven forbid, write about it????

This past week started off with me feeling like i had a handle on the various chunks of my to do list. Then things slowly got moved and changed and mostly added to and overall pressurized.

My husband was away but he helped where he could. One evening he told me to put on my leather collar before i went to bed and to wear it to sleep, something intended to make me stop and think about him and put aside the other stresses so i could sleep. I was happy when he told me to do this and even looking forward to bedtime. But the work i had to do took a long time and it was quite late when i finished and stumbled off to bed. And i forgot the task - completely and totally forgot.

I was awoken early the next morning by his text asking where was his picture - my way of reporting that i had done what he asked. It took me a few minutes to even figure out what picture he wanted - i had so completely forgotten what he had asked me to do.

And once i remembered the worst feeling came over me.

I forget to do things every once in awhile - sometimes i forget to move the laundry to the dryer before bedtime, or to run an errand during the week he has asked me to, things like that. I may be bummed, but i move on pretty quickly, as in, i don't give it a second thought.

Forgetting to do this thing he had asked is different. It wasn't an errand that i can just take care of tomorrow. It was something he had wanted me to do so that i could sleep, and so i could help re-prioritize my stresses, and so i could be able to focus on him and on our family more, while he was gone and once he got home.

Forgetting the dry cleaning - even if it means he doesn't have the suit he wants for tomorrow's trip, adn even if i am disappointed in myself in a "proportionate to the crime" sort of way - doesn't merit a punishment - or even a rebuke. We are adults - plain and simple.

But this is different. For one thing - this is a "between us" thing. It was for my own good in the first place, and an absolute command - not an, "If you get the chance." His being able to influence me at all, and particularly from 1000 miles away, depends on my doing what he asks. And i want to do things this way; it really is so much better for me and for us this way.

For this, i think there will be a punishment. I don't know what kind, likely very subtle but meaningful and which gets his point across. And i find myself anxious to be able to make this up to him.

i probably won't, no

2011-11-30T06:56:00.000-05:00

The other morning he came up behind me and hugged me and as he did, he started talking about the previous night - reminiscing, remembering, reminding me, teasing...

Then he asked me my thoughts - what had what kind of effect, what did i think about this and that, and what about the other?

"Honey, sweetie, dear - i was kinda fuzzy for this and that, and by the time you got to the other, i was flying, so i really only have a vague notion"

(Stern voice/evil glint in his eye) "Well - I want you to pay much better attention next time!"

i imagine i probably won't though

each night

2011-11-28T08:10:00.003-05:00

each night he asks me to tell him something

not 1001 nights of tales - although it does have to be something new every night

and something he doesn't already know

about me, or us, or how i feel about me or us or him, or something that's bothering me, or things that are really good

and the problem is - he already knows an awful lot about me; and other stuff seems silly, or embarrassing, or unimportant, or unflattering

till i have so much of nothing to say

all day, i can have a million thoughts,

all brilliant and important and well fleshed out, ready to present

things that are weighing on me, things i realize and want to share with him, things i want him to know

i can even write them down to reference later

then at bedtime......nothing

just stammering, and diversions, and giggling, and ..........

and shame for having nothing to say that's worth him listening to, nothing to take advantage of this opportunity he gives me

diadokokinesia

2011-11-25T09:12:00.000-05:00

We went to a Paul Simon concert with friends recently (yes - we're that old). It was a terrific show.

But the opening act caught our attention also. The band was technically "progressive bluegrass" - think soundtrack to Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? Think guitar, fiddle, mandolin, bass, and banjo.

They were great. Intricate, complex, and fast. Really fast.

At one point my husband turned to me and remarked about how incredibly quickly they all moved their fingers; they were flying.

"Think what I could do if I could move my fingers that fast....."

coming back to him

2011-11-23T09:56:00.001-05:00

A while ago I had that conquer me feeling - overwhelmingly so - to a different degree than ever before - even different than the sub fever of when we started all this: i needed to feel contained, to be reassured of my place, of his feelings, to have him stop the spinning and put me to rights

This is some thing we have learned, sometimes the hard way - it is something that is different about this dynamic vs. our marriage previously. When it's good - when the level is just right - it is the feeling that keeps me focused on him and on what i need to be doing, it keeps me centered and level and content - it is the joy that underlies my construct of Him in my head, and it keeps me humming along with energy and power.

But - sometimes I get overwhelmed with this kind of need and it derails my focus and the energy and power start to swing too far. If it stays unchecked, i spin out of control, it resurrects and amplifies my doubts. Eventually, something switches off, and i stop wanting it - any of it.

And that is what happened recently. I hinted, and i tried to manage on my own, and eventually i went to him and told him what i was feeling. But with life and between the two of us, it didn't get fixed, and i went completely off the rails, and it was a train wreck.

And neither of us really knows how to clean up this kind of wreck. We both tried - and everything we tried just made it all worse. We couldn't say the right things, and we couldn't hear the things right, and we did too little or too much...

And last night we had some time - together - because things are just harder to fix when we are apart or crowded out by other people and other obligations. And we were both very hopeful, i think - very excited, anxious to pick up and resume. He filled my head with teases and promises (threats?). I was nervous and anxious and hopeful and ... trying to get back on board. We were both trying. He was doing what has worked in the past; he was also trying to figure out what i needed, and i told him a lot of things, none of which turned out to be the right answer.

There's the fun stuff, the sexual and the intimate and the impact and the pain used to all its effects, and being his to play with as he wants. And then there's the whole entirety of our relationship - the everyday stuff, and the underlying agreement that i am his, in everything and at all levels. They are so intertwined and interdependent, but they are distinct. And i had gotten back on board for the first, but i was still holding back and reserving judgement for the rest.

And then the evening didn't go that way, it didn't go the way i had thought it would, or had gotten myself ready for. He didn't go the way i had wanted him to. I couldn't adapt, so i went away. In my mind i hadn't gotten back to him really anyhow, but i went far, far away.

He has told me in the past - when i feel far away - to just come back to him. But i always want him to bring me back - to come and find me and force me to come back - to do it for me - which is a pretty metaphor for, "I want him to change what he's doing and the way he's doing it to do it the way i think i want."

After lots more hard feelings and confusion, after i left our bed, he told me to come back - literally and otherwise. He told me that, regardless of whatever else was going on, i needed to come back now.

And that was exactly what i needed. That cut through my confusion, it put an end to trying to think through all the details and what could or should be done about each. It gave me something to come back to. And i did.

Some of the details probably need to be thought through in time because i have no desire to repeat this. But he figured out how to tell me, and i figured out how to listen - finally.

small little wondering

2011-11-21T22:34:00.000-05:00

i had a passing thought - as my father would have pointed out to me - it will probably get lonely

but - i'll go with it anyhow

i'm getting a handle on being open and available and ready and as he wants me when he wants me, etc

which is all well and good - and which he indeed seems to like and appreciate and enjoy and take advantage of

but - how do i seduce him? or do i?

how do i let him know i'm interested?

how do i let him know i find him - well - everything?

how is one actively open and available and ready?

i'm a sucker

2011-11-19T09:14:00.001-05:00

Not so much in the gullible, P T Barnum way, but in that i like to ...., well you get the idea.

But i am also a sucker for good writing and thought provoking ideas. If the two come packaged together - well, that's bliss.

Like most of us - I sometimes have some time for blogging, but often it is constrained by all the other aspects of life. I read very quickly, but i write painfully slowly. This means that i am usually able to indulge myself in reading and keeping up with a number of blogs, but i can't comment or communicate with others as much as i would like, at all. Yes - i even write emails, comments, short little silly stuff - very, very haltingly.

I follow a good number of blogs and enjoy and appreciate all of them for the ideas and ways of looking at things they bring me. Also for the different writing styles and personalities.

You can probably see where this is heading. Aisha nominated me for a Versatile Blogger Award - and i am honored (did i mention writing is not a strength of mine) and I thank her. I am not going to list 15 blogs to nominate: most of the ones i read, and that's pretty many, have already been nominated; i appreciate so many different aspects of people's blogs - the thoughts, the writing, the entertainment, the emotion...; and i'm going to wuss out on trying to pick some over others.

I can list 7 things about myself though - i love getting these glimpses of other people, they add so much color to the image i have of someone in my head.
1) I am also (like Aisha) quite short - only 5'1", - with T & A, and very muscular legs - not sure what kind of mental image that conjures up - but it's me
2) i chose the name greengirl because my favorite color is green, i have green eyes, i am a tree hugger from way back, and when i started this blog, i was most often envious of the relationships i read about and i was very new and inexperienced
3) I'm a very good cook and i can grow just about anything - but i can't sew or craft or any other domestic goddess type things
4) i don't love the ocean, or beaches, just not my thing - but my husband does so i'm trying
5) I love textiles - when i get to go to a new museum or a new place - i seek out cloth, linens, rugs, tapestries, any kind of textile - ironic given that i can't sew - but it is what it is
6) I have long and fairly thick hair which i haven't permed or dyed or even blown dry in many years. It's very healthy, but yes - it's getting some gray and i am completely undecided about what to do about that. This is a topic my husband refuses to give an opinion on.
7) i love my job - that's unusual, even rare, and i am very very thankful to be able to say that

and as a bonus - i can't type to save my life - anyone who has ever im'd with me knows this - i suck at it - slows the writing down even further.

And now i've used all my time for today.

kites

2011-11-16T07:15:00.002-05:00

I've been learning - learning and working to let go. And letting go has allowed me to fly - to soar.

But not on my own - i'm tied and tethered - to him. He lets the string out or pulls it in. The string keeps me near, but also keeps me up.

A kite off on it's own, without the tension of the string, just careens out of control, it may fly higher, but it flies wild and eventually is driven to the ground or into a tree.

So he holds the string and i float gently, or tug and pull and strain, or just keep heading up and up and up.

But the string slipped between his fingers, or snapped, or maybe just ran out altogether.

A kite - you just fetch it out of the tree, tape it up, re-tie the string and toss it back up into the wind.

He fetched me back, but the taping may take a little time.

what do you call it?

2011-11-13T09:34:00.001-05:00

there's horny, randy, needy, wanting, etc...... to describe that feeling of wanting sex, of emptiness, of wanting to be (from my perspective) entered, opened, stimulated and brought to release - there's a specific sensation that is both subtle and overpowering

but what do you call the added/different/over and above sensation of wanting to feel him more - more controlling, more imposing, more there - not that he's absent or there is something wrong, not sorrow or despair or loss - but the overwhelming craving for more - more demands, more roughness, more tightening down, more restriction, more sternness, more claiming, more, more, more .................

just like libido for me - this neediness comes in waves, always there at some level, but at times in huge swells that sweep me away and drown out most of my other thinking

is there a name for that?

cheap date

2011-11-11T09:38:00.000-05:00

I'm a really cheap date in some ways. The same way that men (or boys) feel like they get a good return for minimal outlay with their date, my husband gets a lot of squirminess and mental discomfort from me for some pretty easy tasks set on his part.

Once upon a time, I was able to go to him out of the blue and tell him i thought sex would be far better for us if he changed the rules. I was even able to tell him - repeatedly and specifically - that i thought i wanted for him to cause me pain and to use me in weird ways. These weren't easy things for me to tell him, but i managed to be coherent and grown up about it.

Somehow, some things have changed.

The smallest, simplest, shouldn't-even-make-me-blink things make me feel self-conscious, silly, out of place, or very small and at a loss for how to respond. After almost two years - asking permission to get into bed with him makes me stare at the floor, giggle, and act like the silly, pre-teen girl i never was. I've asked him, but he won't tell me how he wants me to be in that situation, and I feel like i have no idea at all how to respond. As a ritual, it ought to make me feel very submissive, quiet, demure maybe - but this one doesn't do that for me.

He sometimes gives me tasks - with a time frame - and they are things that shouldn't be that hard. This post by Jake hit on one thing. Occasionally, my husband will send me links to websites and ask me to choose three things - usually they are toys, of a sort. He makes it clear that he may or may not ever purchase what i choose, but he wants me to show him what i've picked. I find this incredibly difficult to do. It is hard for me to show him what i might or might not want; to think about what really does arouse me; to admit, even to him, what i so very much don't want to admit i find intriguing.

I don't think he's going for humiliation; somehow to me, humiliation seems like it should be deathly serious. But he gets an evil grin when something is clearly hard for me, or makes me uncomfortable, or better yet gets me to blush. He has that Chesire Cat grin every night when i ask to get into bed. And he pushes forward with these kinds of tasks with the same glint.

There's a really fine line for me between uncomfortable, makes me feel silly or self conscious, or even blush - and over the edge into angry, or shut down, or totally pissed off. So maybe that's the thing...Sometimes it feels like play - in the very best senses of the word: not so deathly serious, joyous, connecting - like the bedtime ritual. But it's also got a challenge to it every time, it's him pushing me to go with him and keep myself from moving into anger and withdrawal.

I still have trouble (obviously) thinking about us in terms of humiliation. Mostly, i imagine that some things are really just that, in principle, it's just that i'm such a weenie/cheap date/easy target - take your pick - that it hardly seems the right term. I've also had a fairly dim view of the idea of humiliation used in this way - which is to say, honestly, it scares me.

This is another area where i really don't know my husband's feelings about the whole thing either. If past experience is any indication - there is more to it somewhere deep in my head than what i see right now, and in his as well. I have to add though, that two recent posts, one by mouse and one by sin both gave me a different perspective than i had before. It's not where i am, or where we are i suppose, but a nicer view than i had previously.

"You know this isn't a punishment, right?"

2011-11-07T09:38:00.001-05:00

I was bent over the bed with his belt being applied to my ass at the time those words were spoken.

But he was right, and i did know it wasn't a punishment. It was a re-set though. And i needed it.

I had been increasingly cranky over the day. Not snarky. He knows that if he ignores that, it dies pretty quickly from a lack of attention. But i was moody and withdrawn and pouting and rebuffing his attention, which he hates much more than smart-assed or even snarky.

I know he has learned how to spank me in a way that cuts through the foul mood. It's not erotic and it's not taking me off to a happy place. It starts out harder than a long session of impact and pain would, but never moves into that kind of intensity either. He stopped - i thought too soon. I wanted it to ramp up and go on a much longer time. But that wasn't the purpose this time. And he was right. I got up mellowed and happy to be close to him. I apologized and thanked him.

I think this kind of pain gives me something to be pissed and cranky at: it lets me build up those emotions, focus them at something, then release them altogether. It also greatly reassures me that he wants me a certain way and cares to help me be there.

I know the topic of punishment, especially using pain as punishment in a D/s relationship, is debated and is unique to each set of people involved. I know it is possible to produce an altogether different type and level of pain than would happen during play, enough that it would be punitive and cause aversion. I am certain he could do this.

But i also know that i have a relationship to pain that i don't comprehend at all and am only beginning to see the shape of. And i know there are a lot of switches in his head (good ones) that get flipped in inflicting pain on me, but i won't even try to guess at the overall lay of the land in there. I have no idea if his view on punishment is a philosophical thing, or a desire not to complicate an already complex use of pain between us, or something else, or a combination.....

Whatever i think or guess might be good for me or that i think i want doesn't matter. He doesn't use spanking or other real pain as punishment. He may tweak or swat or pinch or bite to get my attention or emphasize a point, but as a consequence or a deterrent or retribution, no.

In the end, it probably doesn't matter what you call this kind of spanking - punishment maybe, reminder, re-set, attitude adjustment, maintenance.... in the end (yes - a pun) it works. And, contrary to how i've approached everything else, I haven't felt compelled to understand and label and second guess this. I've been able to go along and even be thankful that he seems to have figured out what works for us.

playing vs. really taking the leap

2011-11-02T08:12:00.002-04:00

I can sometimes get fixated on a particular question or idea and get myself worked up and convinced it's all falling apart, or never really was in the first place. Recently I've circled back around to an issue that has come up a lot before: the idea that i need my husband to fit a role i recognize in order for me to know how to behave. In other words, that i need him to call himself my Dominant or my Master and then to act the way i think he should in that role in order for me to be able to submit to him.

There is a person (other than my husband) that i talk to about D/s, ttwd, and relationships in general. I contacted him a long time ago, when i first came to my husband and asked him to not let me say no any longer. I had so many questions, and so much fear. This person, this friend, doesn't make suggestions or give advice, and he has never requested i do anything, has never asked anything of me. He has, however, very patiently answered my questions, discussed ideas and concepts, given counterpoint to my views, helped me learn to form better questions, and helped me to see my own answers.

So i recently brought up this issue - that sometimes I can't get past the feeling that my submission means nothing to my husband, that it isn't really submission - it's just me randomly doing stuff.

My friend was more blunt than usual in his response:

I think it is in those moments that you continue doing the things that matter to you even when you think he does not care that you are being your most submissive. I believe that if you can only feel your submission through his dominance or if you can only feel value in it when he forces it from you then you have not really submitted yet. You are playing a game of action and reaction, if you like me, I will like you back. If you love me, I will love you back. If you dominate me, I will submit. However it does not work this way...... you submit because it is who you are, because it makes you happy, because it full fills you and in doing so you make those around you happy as well.

It is all about you when you decide to let go of expectation and give yourself to him and take joy in the way he enjoys that. That he does not, in your opinion, reciprocate in the way you want is the wrong kind of selfishness. It is attitude that says you must be as I want you instead of a attitude that says I serve because it makes me happy and I accept who you are as you do of me.

I needed to hear this.

I have needed to let go of the image in my head.

I have needed to recognize how self centered of me to want him to be what i think he should be rather than knowing i love and respect him already.

I have needed to let go of contrived notions and just serve him.

I have needed to just be what he has all along told me he wants me to be.

aftercare

2011-10-29T06:51:00.001-04:00

I have always fought being taken care of, in any context (see my previous post). Slowly i am learning to accept his input into my life - which means not just being quiet, listening and following through - but also being ok with it in my head - not fighting it mentally even while i do what he ask's.

I think I have learned and grown as much through the time after playing hard as i have from pretty much anything else. Learning to submit to him physically is one thing: to accept the pain or control, or whatever he chooses, plays right into my tough and strong image of myself. Of course it has all those sexual benefits, and creates intimacy between us and reinforces our trust and understanding of each other. But oddly, even when brought to tears, intense play doesn't create the kind of vulnerability in me as his taking care of me afterwards.

It has been an evolution, like everything else. After intense play, i am of course more open and softer, i feel closer to him and want to be near him; but, i had kept a certain amount of awareness and vigilance in order to be in control of myself, to take care of myself. Over time though, i have fallen deeper in and i lose myself more and more. Being able to let go and crawl to him, to really need him, to have my only instinct be to search out the safety of his arms, has had the most profound effect on me.

taking care of me

2011-10-27T08:13:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was a nuts day and on the way home from bringing the last kid from the last activity, the car suddenly started dragging something large and metal. Husband out of town means no alternative ride to work tomorrow for me. None of us (me or the boys) quite fit under the car to wire the shield back into place and I'm not willing to crawl under to do it with the car jacked up with only a tire jack. Since it was hanging by just one rusty connector anyhow - i decided to pull it the rest of the way off. Now at least i could go to work tomorrow.

I did call my husband to tell him about it. I knew he couldn't do anything about it from where he was, and he knew i wasn't calling to ask him to. We needed to make arrangements to get it fixed for real, and i wanted to tell him about the crazy evening - just because he's my husband and he's who i tell those things to.

It struck me later that this was completely us . There are things he does for me because that's how we've evolved as a couple (spiders and other big bugs are all his; snakes and bats are my responsibility). But in the end, if something needs doing, and i'm the one there, i do it.

I have this image in my head of myself as strong and tough. Actually, I am strong and self reliant and - well - tough in a lot of ways. It sounds very un-feminine and not particularly attractive put this way, and quite often that's how i feel, but my husband appreciates enough of the upsides of it and adamantly professes not to miss the parts i lack.

He tells people that he truly fell in love with me on our first long trip together, really remote/backcountry camping/canoeing. I'm sure that whatever feminine charms i may have ever possessed were long gone after a few days of storms and mosquitoes and swamps and sweat, but he was so excited that i enjoyed that kind of thing, knew what i was doing, and carried my own weight.

On the other hand, my image of how i think i am and need to be sometimes interferes with my relationship with him. It's a twisted, turned around thing - what he wants most is to take care of me; it is what he has always wanted and never felt i really accepted from him. It seems to be a pretty deep and strong thing for him, and he's right, I wouldn't allow it. I don't accept help easily. And the more specific and personal and important it is, the harder it is to accept.

I wouldn't be able to tolerate being pampered or coddled, or put on a pedestal - i would hate it. And that was what i always imagined would happen if i gave in and allowed him to take care of me. I figured it was just a slippery slope straight to weak and lazy and incompetent.

It turns out that wasn't what he had in mind though. He had in mind guiding, supporting, protecting, encouraging, advising - all good things really. And furthermore he never wanted me to slack off, or stop pushing myself or use his help as a reason to not work hard myself.

As it turns out, this all fits with D/s pretty well. In fact, it has given me a context to understand and be able to reconcile what he wants with who i am. He can take care of me: he can direct and advise and influence any part of my life he wants to. He can also ask or demand that i do things - whatever kinds if things - the point is that the service part of submission sets it up so that i am still expected to work and push myself and not have a chance to get lazy or incompetent.

And i can accept all of it because i have agreed to accept it - so simple yet such a profound shift for me. I think this was probably intuitive for him - i have a feeling he will say that he knew this all along - it didn't need a special "lifestyle" to work and that i make things needlessly complex. He's probably right.

different way of seeing the same thing

2011-10-20T09:08:00.000-04:00

I've had disagreements with people over what goes on inside people's heads. I can ask my husband and one of my sons at any given moment what they are thinking about and they may have an answer or they may reply, "nothing." I contend it is humanly impossible to be thinking about nothing at all in any waking moment. This has led to some serious hard feelings because i assume they must be lying, and they of course don't appreciate this assumption.

My other son is very much like me - there is no time that there is not a constant stream of thought, often several at once, running through his head. It is very noisy in there. And as littlemonkey points out, it is extremely hard to hear oneself really think, hard to form the important thoughts, with all the chatter.

Needless to say, inside my head, a good deal of the conversation has had to do with my relationship with my husband, with learning how to relate to each other in a whole new way. But also, in questioning why or how, in wondering if this or that was right or good or not, and in worrying, oh the worrying. I found in the very beginning that blogging - the act of writing my thoughts in a (hopefully) coherent way helped organize the background noise a bit. It allowed me to hear and examine certain trains of thought. It still does.

I don't know if there are important thoughts i should be having- as much as i feel like sometimes i just need to stop the ones i have. Because there is a portion of the background chatter that is doubt.

If i stop worrying about our dynamic - will it come to a grinding halt? If i take my eye off the ball, will he drop it?

And yes, this does seem like a lack of trust, or seen another way - my holding onto control. Which of course worries me and creates a whole new bunch of chatter in my head.

Is there a point at which i am supposed to be able to stop thinking about it all? Either just stop, or am i missing the part where i am supposed to turn it all over to him? Honestly, i dont think that would be what he would want; he has no interest at all in me checking out mentally from anything - unless he tells me to - he is in fact very much opposed to that. So i guess i just answered my own question, but i also know that he would not want me obsessing about things this way. He would say to just stop thinking and do.

I talked to him about this: about the fact that i still hold onto some doubt - or lack of trust. I worry that if i let myself let go and give up the mental vigilance about us, that it will poof away or at least stagnate and die a slow death. I expected him to be disappointed, or frustrated with me. To tell me to stop thinking that way.

He said he likes that i think about our relationship, that i want to pay attention to it and not let it backslide, that i want to keep improving it. He doesn't feel it as a lack of trust in him or an attempt to maintain control.

I have no idea if this is just a nice spin he has put on it, or whether the worry about lack of trust and holding onto control is really only in my head (what are the odds?) and not at all how he sees it. It's a smart move on his part though. Telling me not to feel that way or not to worry about it would never work. Telling me he wants me to be concerned and actively involved in our relationship means it is impossible for me to worry about whether i should stop thinking certain ways.

he's in my head

2011-10-17T10:22:00.001-04:00

I would love, love, love to sit here all day navel gazing, and pondering, and coming to a whole new understanding of our lives together, and writing something profound that unlocks new ways of seeing things for me...blah, blah, blah. I could soooo go for another cup of coffee, curl up with a blanket and forget the rest of the world for the day.

Instead, i've already started and finished a number of things, have other things in process, and have a day full of work stuff, and home stuff, and a (f@*&ing long run) lined up on my to do list.

I tried to finish one of several posts i've been working on for awhile, and i can't - because he's in my head. And i can't drown out his voice long enough to hear my own. At least not my voice about blogging- because, as much as he does want me to write here, and he likes to read what i write, it's much lower down on his priority list, somewhere after my job, and our home, and the kids, and - oh yea - HIM. Go figure.

So the post about how we are or aren't really 24/7, and about how i am not sure i really feel submissive enough or in service enough, or dedicated enough to him over my own wishes, will have to wait - because in my head he is now tapping his foot and giving me the evil eye... Oh the irony!

things that make you wonder how your head works

2011-10-12T08:22:00.000-04:00

My husband summoned me to bed.

As i entered the bedroom, the crop and two canes were lying prominantly out on the trunk.

A few days ago i had missed doing one of the things i am supposed to do and there had been a demonstration of his feelings about that. I was reassured that i am indeed supposed to do this thing.

So, at the sight of the implements i started working back to figure out what i had missed, or maybe where my attitude had been off, to make him feel like i needed this kind of attention.

But i came up with nothing. Now - i'm certainly not perfect - but i thought the past few days had been pretty smooth.

So i asked - "Why the toys? Haven't i been good?"

And he replied, "Oh you have been a good girl, those are my good girl toys."

uh huh, sure it is...

2011-10-08T08:57:00.000-04:00

The nice lady at the nice furniture store where i was window shopping said it is extra seating to have around, a new concept in living room furniture, but very handy, and that it's really comfortable. She even demonstrated, sitting perched on it very carefully. I have to say, she didn't really look comfortable.

It looked a lot like something else entirely to me.

reality is pretty damn good too

2011-10-05T12:17:00.000-04:00

I may not be able to spell out specifics for my fantasies - but two main elements are always there: the edge of anxiety, the nerves for the unknown and impending; and the disconnectedness.

I think one reason D/s works, or maybe it's just a very happy side effect, at least in the realm of sex, is that it re-introduces that level of on-edge, the butterflies and anticipation that get lost over years of being together. Kneeling in bed, naked, my back to the door, waiting, hearing him approach, jumping when he finally touches me... There is so much more to it than there was before, I am so much more there, my whole body listens for him. D/s brings this element of fantasy to reality.

On the other hand, I don't want disconnectedness in my real life. I miss my husband when he's away, and even more so when we are together but pulled by life in other directions. I anticipate the times we are able to come back together. Things change. My body becomes hyper-aware, sensitized, focused on it's emptiness. My being becomes lighter, calmer, easier.

Last night he was coming home, but very late. Through the day there were plans hinted at, tasks assigned, and pictures requested. The boys went to bed as usual and I waited. 10 minutes after he texted to say he had landed, boy # 1 woke up, wide awake. This never happens. My guys sleep!

So i texted to tell him the boy was up and worked very hard not to give into the disappointment. I can be a touch pouty and unpleasant when disappointed, it doesn't usually lead to good feelings on either side.

He apparently changed his plans on the go. I was told to wait on the bed. He found ways to get me where he wanted me without the noise: he put the leather collar on me and the clamps, he opened me and filled all the emptiness and pushed to the point of pain. He manipulated and abused me, and in the middle of it all, he whispered in my ear, "You are all mine."

By the end i was trembling and shaking and not thinking on my own. I was entirely focused on him, could only act if he instructed. I crawled up the bed and into him. I couldn't get close enough. He surrounded me and we drifted off.

I wouldn't trade that feeling for any fantasy, ever!

2011-09-29T10:21:00.002-04:00

My husband has at times asked me to tell him some of my fantasies. Sounds simple right - sounds like what all married couples do, or should do. But it has come up a few times and i have always balked until it gets dropped.

This is a really, really hard topic for me. Frankly i think i'm defective. My brain, my imagination, my sub-conscious - whatever it is - just doesn't work right.

I am analytical, a problem solver, all about form and function. I am not imaginative or artistic or most anything typically associated with being female.

What there has been for me, in my head, when i let my mind wander to the things that arouse and excite hasn't been something i could write out or tell. There is no scene, no back story, no scenario, no predicament per se - no people - no person - not even a gender.

It has been about what i feel, sense, experience and it has been extremely ill defined. Or rather, the types of things i feel and sense and the mental state i am put into is the fantasy - that is defined - but that is all there is. In my mind i can feel the exposure, the edge of fear, the vulnerability, the uncertainty, the desire to get away and the knowlege that i can't....

Trying to give this enough shape and substance to articulate it is what led to my previous post.

And writing that post, and re-reading it made me see that it is a fairly dark thing; a desire to annihilate myself for someone else. I think this took my husband aback some. I know it made me stop and think.

I don't actually want to lose myself, i don't really want to be unattached and disconnected and lost. What i wrote about, the impression of my fantasy, was that it would consume all parts of my life, all of me; but fantasies aren't meant to be reality.

Apparently there are aspect to me that i hadn't realized, and which are still not very clear. Maybe this has implications for everyday life. Maybe it is better explored in a more limited context, or not at all. That is all up to him.

fantasy vs. intimacy

2011-09-27T08:30:00.000-04:00

All along i've thought of it as fantasy vs reality. Of course the stuff that turns me on to read can't happen in real life. But specifically why not?

There's the stuff of fiction and erotica and fantasy, some of the particular themes that hook me: someone unknown and dark and mysterious and in authority - someone who is very, very serious - who i, for some reason, really want to please - who pushes me and challenges me and has expectations of me - even scares me a bit, or more than a bit. A big part of it is that I don't know him, and especially, he doesn't know me. I have to learn his ways and his desires. Most importantly, my own expectations of myself become moot - forgotten, completely irrelevant.

I am to be molded, changed, no longer myself, and most to the point, no longer responsible for myself.

Or maybe shown a new me that i didn't know was always there.

For this fantasy, this story to work, i can't have connections. I need to have no connections to other people, no family, no attachments, and no real connection to myself. Because in the fantasy - no time is spent worrying about my wishes or desires, or even my state of mind. In fact, there is no getting to know me at all. It is all about my becoming something else - what i was is irrelevant.

In reality - it's never going to happen. Quite the opposite in fact. My husband knows me - we keep learning more about each other. He pushes me, but to be more *me*, not someone else. He does what he wants, and gets what he wants out of me, but what he wants is influenced by who i am, who he knows me to be.

He has no interest whatsoever in my relinquishing responsibility, for the mundane, or in a deeper sense for myself.

So for me, really - i think it's intimacy vs. fantasy. What ttwd does for us, has done for us, is exponentially increase the bare-it-all intimacy. We have to really face each other, but we have to face ourselves as well.

The idea still really pulls at me, in small ways (order me to do things, tie me down and do what *you* want, ignore my pleasure) - and in the big picture (take over me completely, remove my will, maybe this is where humiliation comes in). The idea of of his discounting me as he knows me and replacing that with his vision - that has strong appeal.

Fantasy is just that - and i don't know the why's about it all: why do i have these fantasies, why do these themes grab me so forcefully?

I imagine a big part of it is that intimacy is so much harder: it is more work, it's emotional, it requires a lot of investment, it is always appealing to relinquish responsibility in a world in which there is too much of that anyhow, i don't always like what i see when i face myself....

i wonder if i'm fooling myself

2011-09-20T10:17:00.001-04:00

There's an underlying theme or current to my thinking lately. Well - several really - but one feels important - the others are just annoying.

This past weekend, a seemingly small, seemingly very non-ttwd related thing made me realize part of what has had me somewhat bottled up lately.

We were at a sporting event, and a woman had her very brand new baby with her. Baby was adorable and slept a good bit. But baby also needed to be changed and nursed and tended to, all of which mom did without missing a beat. This was not her first baby.

That's not the part that triggered any deep thoughts for me - I love my boys, but i am long past finished with the baby thing.

Her husband is what made me stop and think.

He told her exactly how and when and what to do: how to hold the baby, what angle to have her mouth to nurse, how long to feed her, what outfit to change her into, how to fix the diaper, when to burp her, on and on.... every detail. And she did - whatever he said, she just stopped, changed gears and did what he said, apologetically even.

My blood boiled, instantly; and i didn't know these people. How dare he? When did he last nurse a baby? She wasn't having any difficulty, was managing easily on her own. Why on earth would he be treating her like that? Why did this not annoy the daylights out of her? Why did she just go along?

I had buckets of righteous indignation on her behalf. And of course - nowhere at all to go with it.

I will never know what to make of this interaction: Was she walking on eggshells because there was something bigger going on in their lives? Is that just how he is and it's easier to go along to get along? Does she really lack confidence in this area and just puts on a good front when he's not around? Does she appreciate the help? Is this the type of relationship each of them really wants? Does this type of direction and ultra- micro-management actually meet a larger need for her? For him? Is it intentional for them, or just a pattern worn into their relationship because it is the path of least resistance?

After fighting back my indignation - i tried to turn it all around in my head.

Mostly I wondered about my visceral response to the whole thing. I would never, could never... tolerate it, put up with it, get myself to a place where i could respond reasonably or politely to being commanded that way, much less live like that.

And that's what hit me. I really don't think i could. I don't think i could submit to that. Even if it were in the context of my relationship and our agreement, i found no part of it endearing, or even intriguing or enticing. For me, there are things he pushes me on, things he wants to be a challenge for me, and this is a good thing for me. But I couldn't even view this in that light.

So - what if he would want or need to for some reason start treating me this way? What if he decided it was what i needed? How would i respond, would i even be able to try to cope? My gut says no.

So - am i really submissive? Because my response in this case was incredibly non-submissive, in fact my feelings were anti-submissive.

I know that there are huge flaws in this kind of reasoning. Taking hypotheticals to extremes doesn't really answer a question.

But it made me focus on the same feelings in my own context. There are times that i have the same indignation, the same flare of anger and instinctive rebellion. It's a different scale, and i'm learning to recognize it and at least suppress the expression of it - mostly. In a non-D/s context - that makes our interactions smoother - waiting to respond rationally and even respectfully in spite of feeling anything but.

In a D/s context though, i wonder what makes me think i am submissive at all, if my first reaction to anything that pushes at my ego a bit is to push back.

it's about him

2011-09-13T07:01:00.001-04:00

As someone pointed out to me recently - this whole journey is about communicating, which is to say- knowing ourselves and knowing each other.

We've been together far too long for either of us to be living under any delusions. We are not googly eyed or swooning or seeing each other through rose colored glasses. That's the thing with being honest, I see my own faults, and his, as does he. But we see the genuine good too.

The structure we live now allows my husband to know me because i cant hide: he can push, and he can expect, he can dig. It also allows me to know him better, not because i can ask or push, although i certainly can ask and i do push, and we do talk openly. But he retains the right to say 'enough.' Also though, in seeing the things he asks, where he pushes, where he doesn't want me to go, what he does or doesn't want of me, i get to know him better.

Sometimes i forget though. I shift the focus from him to his actions and wants. Maybe even from him as my husband to him as A Dom, not even necessarily my dom, just a dom. It is intoxicating, the dominance thing. I wonder if he finds submission, my submission, equally intoxicating. I wonder if i really want the answer to that question.

But i need to not lose focus. It's not about the D/s, it's abut him and me. The D/s is background, structure, maybe the code that it is written in, but it isn't the product, it isn't the story, it isn't the goal and it isn't what i'm in love with or married to.

parallel conversations

2011-09-10T10:33:00.000-04:00

On a drive, with the whole family, through the part of town built by the industrial barons in the early part of the last century - the gorgeous old stone mansions half hidden down the drive, beyond the pines and hardwoods....
Talking about what it might be like to live in one of those houses.....
Feeling a bit feisty and bold....

Me (dreamy, far away look in my eye): We could build a dungeon

Husband (stern, 'be careful where you tread' look in his eye): Oh yea ??

Boys in the back seat: Ooh! yea, cool! Could we?

One of the boys: What would we put in it?

Husband: Bad people.

Me: Implements of torture.

Boys: ~ naming all sorts of medieval weapons ~

Husband (with a distinct glint and sneer): Your mom.

Boys: Hmm... (serious consideration going on) what could we tell the police when they come?

on the verge - or - wishful thinking

2011-09-08T08:12:00.000-04:00

It seems to be a season or something - in my very limited corner of this world - blogs disappearing or taking breaks or bloggers at least contemplating such things.

I don't think it's just a case of catching what's going around - but i've had similar thoughts for a while now: I'm boring, I'm bored, my life is all real life and no ttwd, we're here - where ever here is, the journey is over, nothing more to see, nothing more to learn, nothing more to write about...

The power, the control, the submission, and the kink seem to be fairly static these days.

They are there. They fit and they work and they are comfortable.

But they are not new, exciting, challenging, thrilling...

So maybe i've confused an absence of angst, with ennui - funny that it has to feel hard to seem right.

Or maybe we're gathering strength for a growth spurt - like my teenagers do.

I have a lot of half baked thoughts started, but i can't seem to pin them down or make sense of them, and i really can't seem to see the big picture right now.

But you know the feeling you get when you know there's something you're getting set to figure out? I've got that.

I started this blog with really very poorly defined goals - but the general idea was for me to have a way to let my husband know some of the things that were in my head that I couldn't just talk out with him.

He reads here - daily- but only mentions anything to me if it really strikes him.

When i talked to him about feeling like i might want to end this, he asked me to reconsider. He said he would like to continue to have this window into my head.

So i will continue; perhaps it will be of interest to no one but him, but hopefully it will help me sort out the ideas that seem to be lurking out of reach for right now.

there are no stupid questions....

2011-09-02T12:57:00.000-04:00

......just a lot of really curious idiots

So, here's my (apparently) stupid question.

It started with a simple observation - one which i've made more than a few times before and for which i eventually ended up - not punished - cuz we don't do that - let's say - convinced and reassured of his view on the matter in a very concrete way

The more access he has to my body - my tits in particular - the sooner he will get bored with them - right? There is a shelf life and the novelty will wear off and all that - yes? Ergo - access should be limited?

Well - the answer apparently is NO. To all of the above. And i am to remember that. So forget i mentioned it.

Fair enough.

But - what about all of me? Not my body - that was explicitly included under the above mentioned reassurance episode.

But - what about all of me?

If i am an open book, and there is no mystery, and i do my best to be as he wants, as complicated as that is...

When the limits have been pushed as far as reasonable and then some, and there is no more to push, no more challenge, and it is all just too easy....

When he knows me that well....

What then?????

girl

2011-08-31T07:04:00.002-04:00

good girl vs little girl

It was drilled into us in college - not to use the word girl - cuz it's demeaning and condescending and disrespectful

and sometimes it really is - i've met those people and had it used on me that way - it sucks

but now i love hearing good girl, being his girl. it's a special kind of code - has a special meaning - from him

I had a coworker who said "good girl" to me- it surprised me - i don't know him well, but it wasn't disrespect - I have no idea if this is just his way - or if it slipped out - makes you wonder

but the other day - i was being a little - perhaps - annoying. My husband used "little girl" in a quite pointed way - not a compliment or term of endearment at all - it sent a whole different message and was it's own code word - i wasn't what he wanted at that moment.

it's good to be reminded

2011-08-26T07:52:00.000-04:00

Lot's of weeks, when he's gone and life is busy and i get totally caught up in my work and taking care of the kids, i move into a different mindset.

I start to forget I'm his, not really my own. The longer or more busy and stressful the time apart, the further away i get from really knowing that. Not that i doubt it - if anyone asked i would certainly say it was so without any hesitation.

But my deeper consciousness forgets it. I can say the right words and give the right answers, but i have to force it, i don't feel it; i put it on instead of it coming from within. Sometimes i can't even put it on. Sometimes - well - sometimes i say all the wrong things all the wrong way.

So it's a good thing when he comes home and right away he reminds me, forcefully and with few words, that i am his.

proving ourselves

2011-08-18T09:31:00.000-04:00

There are some submissive sorts of things that my husband doesn't want, or ask of me, or care to have in place: things like addressing him by a title, my not using furniture, or my not speaking without permission. When i've asked him why or why not, he says it's because he doesn't need to prove himself and doesn't need me to prove myself.

That seems like a straightforward answer; but, even just in trying to write that sentence, it becomes clear that it isn't so simple. Prove what? To whom? What would be adequate proof of anything anyhow? Prove himself to me? To someone else? Anyone else? This is clearly not a concern for him in the least. Prove to me that he is - what? - in charge, superior, in control, better, bigger, stronger?   That he is looking out for me? That he is in our relationship and in our hearts what we have said we are to each other?


I grew up in a household in which the phrase, "if you loved me, you would ........." was always in the air. That was how i believed love was supposed to work.

With my first few serious boyfriends, i played that game. Pop culture and media fed right into this of course: if you loved me you would bring flowers, set up romantic dates, make grand plans, maybe write poetry.... It seemed like exactly how it was supposed to work and it's how everyone did it. Of course i had to play my part too - cute little surprises, maybe stuffed animals, celebrate the anniversary of everything, wear sexy clothes, fancy underwear underneath, and of course put out.

It all felt so uncomfortable, so difficult and awkward. I assumed the problem was me though, not the system. "Of course this is how love works, I'm just not very good at it." Towards the demise of my last relationship, before my husband, I caught myself telling my then boyfriend that if he were really devoted to me he should get me a specific gift. He did, and when i opened it, my heart sank - i realized all at once how completely stupid it all was, how stupid I had been.

I've not played those games since. And neither has my husband, even dating, courting, neither of us fell into that trap. There has never been even an implied, "If you loved me...." between us.

In the context of our D/s relationship though, i find myself very much wanting to prove myself, or wanting to show him, or to please him. Are those three different? Or are they just shades of the same impulse: if i narrow it down to "prove to him" i think they are just degrees of the same thing. I have a strong desire to show him my love, my appreciation, my affection for him. And a very strong desire to submit, to him.

This is where it gets sticky for me.   If it isn't as proof of my willingness to do as he asks, to follow him - what are acts of submission? And for that matter - if not ways to request i prove my willingness to do as he asks - what is dominance?

He does have in place other rituals or rules that would seem to be similar in nature to the ones he doesn't care for. Thing that seem to be ways to ask me to submit or to prove my willingness - things like obtaining permission before getting in bed, having a bedtime, etc. He so clearly enjoys much of the structure of the whole thing and he often exercises his right to ask anything of me, at anytime. Often it seems he asks things of me for his amusement - and that is a great feeling, to be able to amuse and entertain him. Those are usually fairly simple things, but they make him happy.

Sometimes i feel like he does test me, which is the same as saying a way of asking for proof. But i think they are tests when he feels i need to be tested, either for the containment of it, or the refocus, or because i doubt myself and need to see myself succeed. But honestly, it has never felt like he asks anything of me because he is trying to reassure himself that i will comply. And it never seems that he needs the test to satisfy something within himself.

Frankly, i think i wish he would want to test me more, that he would really need that, thrive on it, get off on it. Somehow I feel like he should crave harder and harder things of me, so he can satisfy his dominance - so i can prove my submission. Every once in awhile, i do catch myself thinking, "if you were dominant, you would..."   But then the obvious hits me: that's about me wanting to satisfy my submissive cravings and desires at that moment, and has nothing to do with what he is or isn't. Just as "if you loved me, you would..." has nothing to do with love.

his response

2011-08-12T09:39:00.000-04:00

His response to my previous post was along the lines of, "So, it sounds like you want me to be more of a pain in the ass all the way around"

Well....

Yes and no

That's kind of the jist

In a number of ways, "more of a pain in the ass" would be good for me

But i hate the thought that you think I'm telling you what to do or how to be

And i hate feeling like i'm doing that

But i need a way to tell you these things - for all the reasons i mentioned

It is hard for me to just say something and then trust that how you act on it is all up to you

Of course there are lots, lots more words in my head - but they are sooo redundant.

things he might not know

2011-08-10T09:39:00.001-04:00

So often he surprises me by the things he knows - things i hadn't realized, especially about myself, or things i have no idea how he knew...

I find it hard to tell him things i think i know that i think he doesn't know.

Not silly everyday stuff - i have no problem being a smartass - or playing dumb then surprising him by knowing things he thought i had no interest in whatsoever (think sports or politics).

I mean i find it hard to tell him things i think will burden him or worry him

that i'm drifting or unraveling when he's distracted, preoccupied, stressed and far away
that i need him to come find me and bring me back
that i'm approaching the point that the doubts and paranoia about his not wanting this or me anymore are creeping into the edges of my consciousness

How can i want to add to his stress? But the further apart we get and the more out of control my doubts get, the harder it is for me to do or be anything useful for him.

I find it hard to tell him things i want or wish or believe would be good for me, good for him to do or ask of me.

that checking up on me and what he's asked me to do makes me feel silly and defensive, but also secure and cared for - and that i worry he will think less of me because i do feel this way
that small little rituals mean a lot to me, a little goes a long way to helping me feel his presence
that sometimes slightly bigger gestures would help bring me back to where i work best - and where he likes me to be - things like making me wear cuffs to sleep, plugging me, a few hard swats, asking me to be at his feet

Saying these things feels too close to the very, very uncomfortable territory of asking him to take charge - then telling him exactly how to do just that. But i also recognize the simple fact that, as much as he surprises me with what he does realize about me, he can't know what i think and feel unless i tell him. And even more importantly, if i keep these things to myself - it eventually becomes an unconscious game of waiting to see if he will figure it out on his own. Testing him isn't fair to him or good for either of us.

It comes down to the many areas in which i still haven't let go of the control - i decide what i tell him, i decide how much to let him see, i decide what i think i should present to him, or not. I can (and do) tell myself that he probably doesn't want this control anyhow, it's likely an area he has no interest in venturing into. If he hasn't asked and hasn't pushed - he must not care. And if i do (like i'm doing right now with this post) tell him about these things, i worry he will take it as an indictment or a test of some sort. Because i haven't seen the way around this catch 22, this is my attempt at a way out.

I can say these things now because i'm pretty level headed right now - things are ok and fairly well balanced. When i feel adrift and out of control, i am less and less able to see the reasonableness of these things. I'm also less able to show him the unreasonable me, although i imagine he knows her well anyhow.

exploring

2011-08-08T10:32:00.001-04:00

I keep trying to write this post - and i keep thinking there is some big revelation here that i'm missing - lots of deep thoughts i should be having. I've written and deleted paragraphs - and decided it is really simpler than all that: following where he leads is a good thing.

There is a time and place for everything - the deep, the dark, the harsh, the difficult and challenging, but also for the lighter side. And if that is where he wants to go - i should follow, and it might even be good for me, for us.

We live in an old house which means no central air. We have a window unit in our bedroom and during the most recent heat wave we had an evening alone together. He emailed a list to me to have on hand before he got home: ice cream - my choice of flavor, ice (we have no ice maker either), a light dinner; also shower/shave, and lay out all the toys he owns, arranged by type.

So we retreated to the relative coolness of our bedroom. We had dinner in bed, then some playtime, a break for ice cream (mocha chocolate chip), and more playtime, a drink of ice water and some cuddling, and more playtime....

Not that it was feather ticklers and strawberries and champagne in bed. He worked his way through most of the "things you can hit someone with" implements he has, thankfully skipping the paddle i hate the most. And the spanking bench made an appearance. I was at times plugged, and bound, and tortured with that rolling inside out pincushion. And nevermind the attention he payed to making me come.

We even got to try out the needles he gave me as my birthday present. I was excited but very nervous about that. He took it slow and had a grin on his face the whole time. He insisted I watch this first time -and it was lovely. I should have realized - there is a huge flood of sensation as they go in, then (sort of) nothing, then another flood of sensation on the way through from underneath the skin. It's a whole different kind of sensation, and a whole different kind of focus: a more narrow and much more concentrated connection between us.

He played with me - just explored and tried things and worked things out. Things made an impact, I felt them, i felt the pain, and i was floating gently, but nothing was extreme or even very difficult. There were no safewords - but a lot of checking in and open and intimate conversation about how i was doing, what i was feeling, how my body and mind were responding.

It didn't have that edge, no fear, and no struggle to accept the pain or the unknown. No struggle to submit. And somehow that was it - in my head it had to be a struggle to be submission. But apparently not. Maybe there is something for me to learn from that about more mundane, everyday aspects of this submission thing too.

tag - you're it

2011-08-02T09:47:00.002-04:00

I said i would do it - said i would be the one to take the heat, to push the changes, to try to protect, to stand up and say 'enough.'

This has been my role anyhow. Also, i'm really the only one who can.

But it sucks - in the ways i expected it to, and in lots of painful, twisted, unexpected ways i had never imagined.

And of course, changes never stick all the way. There is lots of backsliding and excuse making and justifying, and we are only a little ahead of where we were before. After all that.

So now he works from a position of even greater power, and guess who's in his sights. The shots land with deadly accuracy and i absorb them. It's ok, that's my job.

I sometimes think i wish my husband were into the mind games, the mind fuck. But he's not - he's straightforward, direct, and doesn't play games. But it might be dark and exciting and oh so cool to have him toy with me, to manipulate my feelings, my desires and my will, to play me like a puppet....

Now i realize i've had that - the manipulation, the guilt, the ability to push just the right buttons, the ability to cut to the core..... If he did try to play games, he would only trigger the million land mines in my head and probably blow us both up.

And the "daddy" thing - i'm very, very comfortable using the word never.

i am submissive - just wondering

2011-07-26T10:03:00.001-04:00

I am submissive - most certainly in my relationship with my husband. I submit to him.

And this is the point at which most often people go on to say things such as, "But in all other circumstances, I am strong, independent, intelligent, feisty, a leader; really - I'm dominant, except to my husband/HOH/Master."

As much as people repeat that submissive does not equal doormat, no one seems willing to be considered anything remotely like submissive outside of their relationship. Not only are they not submissive - but they consider themselves dominant.

I'm not at all convinced that the word or the trait 'submissive' should be applied (to people) in contexts outside of intimate relationships/play/ttwd. I think that, used in the context of work, or extended family, or any other social dynamic, the word submissive is almost universally equated with doormat, pushover, shrinking violet, the runt of the litter cowering in the corner. Who wants to admit to that?

I am not dominant in the wider world. I'm not a doormat or a pushover. But i'm not the one who must be in charge. I can be; if i am the one in charge, i do that well. But i prefer to play nicely with others. I'm good on a committee. And i love teaching: it's in charge, yet still collaborative, it requires leading by convincing and motivating, not ordering and directing.

I am an introvert and i am shy. I strongly prefer not to be the center of attention, ever. I can be downright anxious meeting new groups of people or in certain social situations. I don't consider this the same as being a doormat or pushover. I think many people do, or they equate shyness with an inability to function or make decisions.

Certainly there are those who struggle with social anxiety to the point that it is paralyzing, or who are timid to the point of being unable to protect themselves, just as there are those who are extroverted or gregarious to the point of being obnoxious blowhards, or worse. Just as i am shy and an introvert, certainly there are people who identify themselves as submissive in ttwd who are not at all shy and who are quite extroverted, and everything in between.

Of course i am strong, of course i am intelligent, and independent. Who would not claim to be? There are so many types of strength and so many situations people face which require strength. Likewise, there are so many kinds of intelligence. I think everyone lays claim to those in some form.

I'm not really sure what 'independent' is meant to mean. I am very much intertwined with my husband and my family and even in the connections in my life beyond them. Does that make me not independent? Isn't the point of D/s to strengthen certain connections, not sever them? Maybe 'independent' means I am capable, high functioning, accomplished, self sufficient, and many more adjectives that are considered good, but which are really not very well defined either.

So yes - I am submissive: I submit to my husband. Beyond that - I am a lot of things, and there are many traits i do not posses, just as with everyone else out there, including those who are dominant in ttwd. I think it would be ok to have a full stop there - no need for further clarification, justification, explanation, or especially further assumption.

light vs. dark

2011-07-18T13:35:00.001-04:00

There was a website of stories i ran across the very first day i discovered the ideas of BDSM. I think i read each of them several times back then but i hadn't looked at them for a very long time. I was looking for one specifically for a friend, and with some digging i re-discovered them. [I had to use the wayback machine - thank you David.]

They were absolutely typical - a training school, random chance encounters, punishments, first times... Some were tinged with a touch of anxiety about the unknown, but they were generally quite tame. Those stories led me to others, some of which had a decidedly darker tone: stories with uncomfortable self-discovery, pain, humiliation, fear, terror, non-consent, real danger.... And of course all of them spoke to me, some of them enough to make me question myself for being drawn in rather than repelled.

The edge, the anxiety about what will happen, the fear in what does happen - that's part of the appeal of course. And even now, i don't fantasize about sunshine and daisies. When i imagine the things that really rachet me up - there are no bubble baths or long walks on a beach. That book title had it right: screw the roses - give me the thorns.

But that is fantasy, and in no way do i want my real life to be dark and fearful, or even edgy or anxious. Life by its nature has enough uncertainty, anxiety, worry, even despair and grief. I want, and I need for my relationship with my husband to be a source of stability, trust, refuge, joy and love. And by and large, our relationship is sunshine and daisies - metaphorically speaking.

So why do i want the dark stuff???

Maybe if my relationship were a dark and fearful thing i would dream of rainbows and light. Maybe my attraction to the dark side is a luxury, only possible because of my good fortune currently. Am i trying to inject a little chaos and fear like a bored, over-indulged teenager? Going down this line of thinking makes me feel petty and spoiled, and maybe i am; i'm honestly not sure what to think of this.

Certainly i am fortunate because of my husband and in our relationship. And part of me really wants to think that is ok, that it is a natural urge to want to improve and maintain something you value.  I know that the various aspects to ttwd have strengthened our marriage all around.  It has provided both light and dark for us; it has taken us further out on the spectrum in both directions. Our relationship is stronger and easier and better, but we also explore the dark and scary, seamy underside.  I know him more and i trust him more deeply than ever, but i am also sometimes afraid and on edge and hurt and struggle sincerely to get away from him.

I was chatting with a friend about these thoughts and he put it all in perspective for me - he does that well - i seem to just get lost in the wondering. A few of his thoughts about it:

    Once again, it is all in the balance: to truly enjoy the light and understand it, it needs to be kept in perspective by the dark.

    If he canes your ass raw and fucks you hard, the next time he hugs you gently in the kitchen, it means so much more.

    To never know the bite of the cane is to never experience his raw power and desire and to never truly know the emotion behind the hug, this is the communication of D/s.

attention whore

2011-07-12T09:34:00.002-04:00

We call our dog an attention hound - except we use the word whore when the boys aren't within earshot. He nudges and nuzzles and pushes and follows and will do just about anything to be petted and paid attention to. He is beyond persistant and he is shameless.

And i wish i could get away with all that too.

I am a greedy little thing - i want more and more - more contact, more time, more touch, more containment, more pain, more arousal, more HIM. I want to feel him over me, i want to feel his hands on me, i want to sit very quietly at his feet, i want him to push me, i want to moan and scream and cry for him, and i want him wrapped all around me.

If i thought it would work - i would follow him around, nudging and nuzzling and rubbing myself all over him, i could stare at him with big green eyes - i would even wag my tail if i thought it would work.

When we've had enough of the dog's persistance, we tell him to "Go lie down!"

I could go lie down, or sideways, or bent over, or on my knees, or anyway he would want.

butting in

2011-07-08T07:59:00.001-04:00

Yes - the whole thing is about communication - lots and lots of it - at a deep and soul baring level - and all that...

Yes, I know, but...

It is one thing to be expected to answer, honestly even, when he asks a straightforward question, to respond to him when spoken to, to have the "shrug it off" option taken away. It is even one thing to be expected to come to him with concerns, questions, things i feel i need to or should say. It is hard sometimes - but it makes sense. Those are important, useful, open lines of communication, and more to the point - things i think he probably does need to know.

It is another thing entirely to have him demand access to and intrude, at his whim, on any of my thoughts, ideas, curiosities, passing fancies... It makes me bristle having him read over my shoulder when i email or chat, having him watch what i google or what i browse. It's the same with his having/using my passwords, or asking what my plan is for my day, or what i did today, or, or, ..... My least favorite question has become "whatcha doin?" in that singsong tone.

I know most people don't like to be eavesdropped on, or have someone read over their shoulder, or feel intrerrogated. The phrase "butt out" exists for a reason. It definitely makes me defensive and sets me on edge. It feels very, very different from answering a direct question about a specific issue. It feels instrusive and invasive.

It is the same feeling i fought against when i was learning to let him touch me at his whim. It was easy to give him access to my body in the right context - when it made sense to me, when we were clearly engaged in that kind of activity. It was extrememy difficult to give him that access when i couldn't see the point, when he felt like it but i didn't, when i thought it was the wrong time. I still occasionally have to fight back my impulse to protest, but i'm learning and i'm better.

I have learned to be open and honest when we are having a discussion that i feel is important, also when i can take time to craft the response or the message. (That doesn't sound so open and honest though does it?) This is a whole 'nother thing though, and i'm finding it very hard to learn.

shades of color

2011-07-01T07:18:00.002-04:00

It seems to be all over, and for some reason I've run across versions of it A LOT lately: slaves live to serve their master's desire, most importantly - forgoing their own to serve his/hers; they are different from "just subs" in that subs can say no, change the game midstream, in essence - arrange things to get just what they want out of it.

Makes a nice clear dichotomy indeed.

But i think life is much more analog than digital - more hues than black or white.

He has no interest in the term slave - i'm His, His toy, His girl, His wife, all HIS - that is His view. And i have to agree with him - because i do agree with him; I have always been his, it's just that now he is free to exercise that ownership. I also have to agree with him because I've agreed to do so. (See all the pretty circles this goes in)

No i can't say no - well i can - the phoenetics still work. But i certainly can't change the rules mid-stream and i can't just arrange it all to get what i want out of it (i.e., he's not doing it just to humor me - it took me long enough to be convinced of that).

And yes - i can say no, really - if this whole thing suddenly just didn't work - it would be serious, there would be long discussions, and meeting of minds, and regrets, etc - but we are first and foremost people who love and are devoted to each other - not "only if we can have it this way." We would find another way. Not a case of my changing the rules to the game on a whim though.

And really - it isn't a game. It is our life. We are serious, funny, irreverent, dedicated, imperfect, responsible, carefree, attached, adventurous ..... and all the other things people are in different proportions at different times. But we don't view life as a game, nor our relationship.

Add the biggest, prettiest circle of all is that often, in small things and in the big picture, he wants me to get what i want, wants me to be happy, wants me to be more....So i am. I am serving his desire, and when i don't, he fixes that, one way or another. It just so happens that in his case, his desire includes both of us.

I know this sounds very much a defense of our relationship against some imagined attack, or an attempt to fit into a mold somewhere....

Really - it's just that it struck me this time around: reading "the gospel of slave vs. sub" left me feeling much less of "shouldn't i be like that, i must be wrong?" and more that what i was reading didn't fit my experience of it. There just isn't enough nuance, enough color, to cover the humanity of it.

This made me smile

2011-06-28T09:53:00.000-04:00

We are on our way home today and it has been a wonderful trip. It's a part of our country I've never explored before and I'm so glad to have had the opportunity. Our last night was in San Francisco and we wandered for hours. This sculpture hung on the wall of a bar we went into for a drink. It made me smile. They must have been on the same kind of vacation as ours.

i wonder what it means

2011-06-23T08:05:00.000-04:00

It's been a long week - and yes - it's only Thursday.

Lots of extra teenagers at my house this past week, and lots of extra work at work.

But now my teenagers have gone off with the extra ones and we are on our way - on vacation - just my husband and me - a huge treat.

Packing last night, he told me to pick one toy to bring with me.

Hmmmm - i hate packing, i hate trying to decide what i might be in the mood to wear, much less play with, several days from now - besides, it's never my choice anyhow - the toys that is.

And my brain was tooooo tired to think or imagine or even want.

And as i stared into the box, my eyes just kept coming back to the collar......

he dreams in kink

2011-06-21T08:23:00.001-04:00

My husband goes away often - weekly in fact.  I rarely go away - a few times a year. His being gone is a non-event. He comes home like anyone coming home from work (which he is) - happy to see us, or tired, or frustrated, or ready to start the weekend, or missing me, or whatever. When i come home, it is definitely NOT a non-event.

It seems that when i'm gone - he dreams in kink.

Most recently, the instructions started even before i was on my way home, "Wear a skirt on the plane.  If you didn't take one with you - buy one."

And continued at the departure gate, "Take your panties off before you board."

And again as soon as i'd texted that i'd landed, "Take your bra off before you get to arrivals where I'll be waiting."

I was very happy to be home, happy to see him, and looking forward to whatever he had planned. I was in that state of being aroused and a bit anxious and expectant, and listening, but still not deep enough to not have the wondering and the questions and an independent dialogue about it all running in my head at the same time.

Walking to the car, he casually asked about my trip, filled me in on what was going on at home, held my hand innocently.... But he had that smile underneath his smile, the one no one else would recognize, but i certainly do. And i found myself falling further in.

Of course I knew something was up, so the fact that he had parked far, far away from anyone else in the lot was not a surprise.   Playing at anything at all like this in public, such as it was, is very much not part of what we do. Half of my brain was happily on it's way to lost in him; the other half was fighting very hard not to blurt out reasons this was a bad idea and how we should just stop and go home.

Once we were in the car, the pretences stopped and he wanted all of my attention. I was getting there but still had a voice in my head running a script that was not part of the program.

The nipple clamps, just strong enough to be tolerable for the 30 min drive home, helped. But they were at that maddening point that they hurt just enough to make me want them to hurt more, to drive out any other thoughts. But they weren't there - they were a tease.

I don't know how he knows, or why it has the effect it does - every time - but it does. He nodded towards the plug and watched me put it in place. I could barely manage to make my hands work properly, i couldn't look up and i couldn't look at him. As soon as it sunk home, i was there, I was beyond there.  And i was entirely his.

sounds about right

2011-06-18T11:01:00.000-04:00

I hate, hate, hate D/s to dog training analogies - but this one struck me...

Our dog is in training - he's not bad, but he's fairly big, and fast, and a teenager (like the other boys around here...), and since he came from a shelter, his history is a bit nebulous.
The trainer explained that he needed two things to be well adjusted and happy and well behaved and all those things we want him to be: control/obedience and fulfillment.

The obedience and control make sense and, even though it remains uneasy for me to talk about, the parallels to D/s are clear.

Fulfillment, apparently, is equally important to maintaining balance and well-being. I'm sure some breeds are fulfilled through their obedience - working breeds, police dogs, guide dogs perhaps. Ours however is a hound - he lives to track and sniff and hunt. Every fiber of his being wants to be nose to the gound running through the underbrush, oblivious to anything or anyone else. The point is that he needs a certain amount of opportunity each day to do exactly what he was literally born to do.

No - people are not bred to roles the way dogs are. But i think the point about fulfillment is just as valid. People, submissive or not, are fulfilled by any number of different things. The control and obedience are not the whole picture. I know - and more importantly, my husband knows that finding and being engaged in the things that fulfill me are essential to my balance and well-being.

i don't feel well

2011-06-16T10:27:00.016-04:00

I think very well, but i don't feel well at all.

Physical sensations i perceive just fine too. It's not that kind of feeling i don't do well.

And i have emotions, or rather, maybe, i have moods.

In fact i can be easily overwhelmed by emotions or moods - i cry at sappy commercials, at news of crisis half a world away, at very happy things also.  On the other hand, I get irritated and angry easily: noise, kids bickering, the talking heads on TV ranting, people in real life behaving poorly, all can set me on edge and rile me up.

These are the kinds of emotions we have to learn to control or hide growing up, and as adults. Maybe even moreso now. It bothers him when i cry, especially if there doesn't seem to him to be a reason for it. And he has especially wanted me to learn to get away from the irritation and anger. It makes me snippy and unpleasant to be around and - well - angry.

So I have gotten better at letting things roll off, at tuning out the irritants, at not tearing up, at closing off the emotions. In some ways this is good - my mood swings are not conducive to a peaceful, pleasant family life. And it is not useful to let myself be battered around by things that are not directly related or really important to me. Especially since my mood ends up impacting everyone else around me.

I wonder about the being honest part of all this though.  I do think I hide emotions more now than before. I don't know where the balance point is; i wonder how much i'm supressing feelings vs. really being better at just not being moody. Am i tuning out important, relevant things also?

I am not what you would call, "in touch with my feelings." I live in my head, not my heart. Situations and events that are close and important to me - I respond to logically and analytically, not through feelings.

I have a friend who, every once in awhile, will ask me how i feel about things, not just what i think about them. And often i just don't know. Or it becomes immediately clear that i have a much better idea of what i think about something than how i feel about it.

And i think, or - I have a feeling - that a there are parts of our dynamic that need to be more about feelings than thinking.

Thinking leads to questions. I wonder why he did that?  I wonder what his goal was with that?  What should i read into this? How does he want me to respond?

How does he want me to respond? Maybe that's the issue. Instead of just responding, i first try to figure out how i ought to respond. Or the response that tries to come to the front gets all tangled up in the logical brain before it has a chance to just happen. Feelings just are, they are an honest reaction to things, they are not subject to 'could' or 'should' or 'ought to.'

So i think, or - I have a feeling - that a there needs to be a lot more about feeling than thinking going on.

And i want to be able to feel more of it all. A lot of it doesn't make sense logically, so the experience must be in the feelings.

being broken

2011-06-11T11:59:00.001-04:00

The actual title of the blog post i ran across is, :"why being broken in a pile on your bedroom floor is a good idea." I thought that might be terribly misleading incorporated into the title of a post on my blog, since it really has nothing to do with anything BDSM or even bedroomish.

The post, which you can link over to a few times for free and after that you are asked to pay to become a member, talks about change, big change that shakes us up, breaks us apart, reduces us to a pile on our bedroom floor. The post is long and has a lot of words, but is really worth the time; the words are put together nicely and the ideas are, for me at least, a good challenge to my thinking.

Everyone says they hate change.  Changes, big and small, good and bad, are the items always listed on those stress inventories. People rarely complain about being stressed out by predictability, even keeledness or stability. Certainly the males i am most closely related to and surrounded by in my life make a big big stink about change. Times of transition around our house are palpably tenser and the boys just plain get weird.

I have a personal theory that women in general are more open to change, maybe because we adapt to more cycles in our physiology than men do; unpredictability is more inherent in our beings. But there are types and magnitues of change that level us. There are changes that bring loss, uncertainty, fear, terror, and even psychic paralysis. Many women i think can relate to the image of lying broken on the floor under the crush of that kind of change. Perhaps men can as well, although the men i know well react very differently, outwardly in any case.

The post i refer to above talks about the power that is found in that state of brokeness. It refers to a Hindu goddess whose name translates as "never not broken" or "always broken goddess."   This goddess derives her power from change - from the implications of change - from not being stuck in one path, one routine, one way. Those same stress inventories that emphasize the toll of life changes should probably address the stress of being stuck, of feeling helpless, of loss of control or hope. The whole point is that, when we are stuck in a job or relationship or situation that is bad for us, toxic, or dangerous, our power lies in breaking out of that - even if that requires being broken, which often it does.

This goddess is always depicted riding a crocodile - the significance being that crocs live in a river which is always flowing, always changing.  Also they grab and pull their prey into the river - then spin and spin until it is disoriented and drowns.  The goddess uses this flowing and spinning to her use and her advantage. Read the post - she explains so much better than i can.  It is so easy to see as true from the outside or in hindsight, but so very hard to see the use in spinning or the power and the potential in being broken from within the moment.

My marriage - our marriage - wasn't broken. But something compelled us to change anyhow. Those changes did involve breaking apart, breaking down, and re-building. I hope that we can keep ahold of that power, and not be afraid of change.

not wondering so much

2011-06-06T09:45:00.000-04:00

Maybe it's summer approaching....

Maybe i just needed a rest and a change of mental scenery so my mind obliged without informing me....

Maybe after two years i've reached a point of being able to coast and run on auto pilot for a bit. Just do the stuff i've been working to figure out....

Maybe this is what it's supposed to be like - just living it, not working so hard at it, not dissecting every nuance, not second guessing...

Maybe we're building up steam for something new...

Whatever the reason or the meaning, things are just plain nice right now: not deep, not full of angst, not thrilling or over the top. Just quiet and easy and right.

Life won't stay quiet and peaceful - it's life.

But i have a feeling ttwd will remain. I assume it will evolve. I guess it may take some leaps. I think, I hope it will deepen.

For now though, it just is.

I/we/he

2011-06-01T09:05:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to write several posts over the past two weeks. I have three very separate trains of thought going on lately, which I'm sure are related, but the whole picture just hasn't come clear yet. I realized halfway through re-reading one post that i was switching all over in person and number, from I, to we, to he, even to passive voice to avoid the pronouns altogether. At first that just seemed sloppy, then i realized why i was doing it.

I don't have a clear idea in my head of what comes from whom, i don't know what role each of us is playing, or should be playing, at a deeper level, in our dynamic.

The concrete stuff is easy. If he wants something, or requests something, has decided something, actions or dress or speech or whatever - that's clear, it's easy to see the source. Even smaller, more abstract or subtle things are easy to see or feel - waiting, being patient with certain things, my tone - especially if they are difficult or require effort for me to do, i know i do because that is what he wants.

But talking about the state of our relationship now, talking about where our dynamic is going, where it might end up, why it is what it is...[Notice the complete lack of personal pronouns?] This i am not so deeply sure of. And i know i not only am not sure of what each of us is in fact contributing, but somewhere in there, the thought process becomes muddled by what i think it ought to be.

Part of the issue is how it all started for us. I brought the ideas to him, i asked if he were willing, i continued to bring him ideas and "research". I imagine many people would see that as negating the whole dynamic; in fact, it took me a long time to see that it didn't. Somewhere along the way, it flipped. I may give feedback about how things effect me or share my fantasies with him, but I am not telling him what i want him to do or how i want things to be. He sqashes that very quickly when it slips out.

Part of my lack of clarity is that it isn't black and white. He has told me (i'm not making assumptions or putting words in his mouth here) that he does not want me to have no voice. In our marriage, our family, our lives, he wants me to contribute, not to sit back and wait. Just as daily tasks and schedules can me micro-managed vs. set through broader expectations, so can relationships. He could tell me exactly how we will be, leave no room for me to impact the shape or direction of our interactions. But he doesn't want that - he has shown me how he wants our lives, our family, or relationship to look and feel, and he expects me to contribute to that with my full effort, including my ideas and thoughts and initiative.

But am i considering him the way i should? Or more to the point, do i consider him the way he wants me to? Did "I" think this thing, or decide it, or determine it's shape, or did "he" or did "we"? Clearly "we" are going this direction or that, we are both in this dynamic and neither of us goes alone. But i catch myself thinking that "I" see things as one way or another, or stating that "we" are or are not one way or another, and i don't know really what he thinks. I make assumptions about what we are and what we will be, and sometimes I'm wrong. And really, i shouldn't be making assumptions at all.

But should i defer to him in each and every thought? That might be the party line - but i don't think it's his wish. I have given up guessing where things will go from here, what he has planned. I've been surprised and proven wrong too many times. In my mind, i do try to suppose what he is or isn't thinking. I'm not sure it's possible to stop that. I try to limit myself to wondering rather than assuming though.

But when i write about our relationship, it is clear by my lack of clarity that there is a depth in my mind at which i have not submitted to him, or, said differently, at which i retain my own ideas and thoughts and mental processses. I think maybe they are not the same really. In order to submit to him in my actions and in my heart, i have to retain my ability to reason and think and choose for myself. To submit more deeply, that freedom of thought and choice has to be deeper as well, not less so.

i am his

2011-05-26T08:09:00.001-04:00

Saying the words or hearing the words of a thing again and again is one way to learn it, to carve it into your mind. But that doesn't necessarily bring understanding, or belief. Being immersed in the reality of a thing until the nature of that reality dawns on you is another way to learn a thing, and to see all of it's meanings, and to know that it is.

I am his. I always have been. He has always been mine. We are each wired that way. It's boring and maybe not very modern, but it is who we are.

I am his - now, no differently than i was before, in actuality; but in understanding, worlds differently.

I am his, though he doesn't say those words, or the others that would lay his claim. To say the words would be easy for him. I thought the words were the key, the step i was waiting for.

I am his, and now i know this, in my mind, as a fact, and in my being, as a thing that just is.

I am his, just like i have wanted to be.

I am his - to play with, to lean on, to take pride in, to shape and mold, to take refuge in, to rail at the world through, to explore and push, to have, and to just be.

my collar

2011-05-21T07:47:00.001-04:00

I have a necklace my husband gave me a little over a year ago, to mark a very significant occasion in my life. I rarely wear jewlery, particularly necklaces. He asked me to wear this one, "most of the time (except when it might get lost - certain sports, etc" And i do. I wear it almost all the time.

It is a pretty necklace, very nice, it goes with everything, but is completely normal looking, nothing unique - no one would guess.

But i should back up - he doesn't call it a collar - not ever, in jest or in earnest. Neither do i, out loud. In my mind though it has a special meaning. He doesn't call it that, but the few times i have felt like giving up entirely on ttwd, i took it off and he noticed and ordered me to put it back on.

I truly don't know how he views it: symbolically, or the idea of collaring - either one. He may know of the idea of a collar, and indulge me in allowing me to view this necklace in that context even though he doesn't see it that way. He may see it as a symbol of the changes in our relationship. He may prefer it not have this meaning attached to it at all. Or he may think it is just silly and think i am silly for thinking about any of this.

We each remove our wedding ring as needed to avoid loss, damage, whatever - it doesn't make us less married. I don't believe he sees me as "his" when i wear this necklace and not when i don't - our relationship is what it is all the time - even if the manifestation of that needs to change with the context or situation. This dynamic came to be rather slowly for us, not at a discreet point in time, certainly not at the point he gave this necklace to me.

There is, of course, a mystique around the idea of a collar for me. I'm pretty sure he doesn't feel that at all. But for me, it feeds into the idea of being completely and wholly his, something i do want very much. I am very drawn to the idea of a concrete expression of that. I recognize of course that it is the state of being and the actual relationship i want, not the outward symbol of it. A collar is different than a wedding ring in this regard: it is a symbol of course, but the object itself (a real one) is also a means of accomplishing the restraint and control (and maybe humiliation) that is part of the relationship.

There is a lot about ttwd he doesn't see in the usual way, or doesn't think about at all. There are words he will not use. There has been no formal "training" in what we do, certainly no "training collar". I do find that when i think of him in certain ways, when i need to remember something he told me, to be able to recall and feel his control when we are not together, I will idly play with my necklace.

For me, in my mind, it serves some of the same functions a "real" collar would. I think he probably knows this on some level. It is (interesting?, ironic?, contrived?, bassackwards?) that there is an object i view and even rely on as a reminder of him and of his conrol, but which he didn't intend that way and may not even know is playing that role. I suppose he will know now.

i wonder what it looks like in there?

2011-05-20T09:42:00.005-04:00

We had friends over for dinner - Vanilla friends - as far as we know, that's the only kind we have.

I was going to lend her a nice scarf/shawl to go with a dress she would be wearing to an event in a few days - so after dinner i asked her, "Do you want to go up and look at my wrap now?"

The men both heard "Do you want to go up and look at my rack now?"

Both were clearly confused, but neither of them questioned us until we came back down. Then i think they both really just had to know, because they both asked....

My husband had it in his mind we were lifting our shirts and showing each other....well, you know...

And her husband thought we might have a medieval torture device and some whips or floggers, an idea he dismissed with a scoff as being ludicrous and completely beyond the realm of possible.

Does make me wonder what it must be like inside their heads though....

ashamed

2011-05-18T07:13:00.000-04:00

Sometimes writing things down helps me figure them out. Sometimes i feel like i only start to get a handle on them that way - just start to make sense of it. Sometimes (too often to be honest) my ideas are way too complicated and the writing makes it moreso. Complicated isn't inherently bad - but someties it's wrong.

Sometimes someone has to point out to me the simple truth - and that happened yesterday

In my mind, my issues with neglecting to do the things i need to do to take care of myself when my husband is out of town must be deep and complex and perhaps unfixable. In my mind, it was related to punishments and discipline, and the fact that he doesn't work that way, and maybe he should, and i need to feel more control when he's gone, and he doesn't check up on me every day, and he must need to change how he does things, and i know he's disappointed by it, but that's not really enough to motivate me, i want him to do things his way - to be in charge - but i want him to force me to do what he wants, he wants me to do what he asks without his needing to force me, i should do what he wants, and, and, and....

And............. and it really is very simple.

Disappointed should be everything.

I made it all about me and my wants

I've been very disrespectful

It's easy - do or don't do

when he's gone

2011-05-17T12:17:00.001-04:00

He's gone pretty often, most weeks for a few days really. Every now and then he'll be home a whole week - which is lovely. He works hard to minimize the nights away. But life is life.

I am soooo different when he's not here. I am somewhat less than my usual shining paragon of respect and attentiveness. I seem to revert to a me that was me some years ago - not the best me possible, trust me.

For one thing, I don't sleep very much or very well. Not sleeping does not do wonders for my patience or motivation, or "yes sir" attitude.

I do take care of the kids, the schedules, the house, and even the dog. Of course i'm always involved in those things, I'm the mom. We work together really pretty well in those things. There is a subtle but distinct difference when he's home vs. away, but it's a pretty seamless transition really.

I don't take care of me though. I neglect the basics and i seem to be unable to manage the other, above and beyond things i do to take care of myself as well. This is not ok with him. He pokes and prods and pushes, but this is invariably where i fall down.

It occurred to me last night, as i lay wide awake past midnight, that when he's gone, when i do sleep, it's on his side of the bed. [Yes, he's one of those. Absolutely, no matter what, where ever he is, he sleeps on his side of the bed. Me - i can sleep pretty much any which way.] Maybe there's something meaningful or some deep metaphor to the fact that i take his place in the bed when he's gone; maybe it's just closer to the alarm clock.

Maybe there is also some deep, metaphorical meaning to the fact that, when he's gone, as i assume the control i need to (kids, house, etc), i exercise less control of myself, and by extension, i am being and doing far less than he wants of me.

a tale of two spankings

2011-05-14T10:24:00.001-04:00

Well - more than spankings really.......

I think that the gamut runs from entirely sensual (the Dom does things that the sub loves, just enough, just the right way at just the right time, just the way she/he wants it, etc, etc... ) all the way to the other end of the spectrum (no safeword, just beat the hell out of the sub, no regard to her/his state of mind or body.) I haven't found the rating scale or operational definitions, but we are somewhere in between. Really, we jump all over, although certainly not towards the latter end of the spectrum.

Yesterday was nearer the sensual end. The day before, he did and said the things he knew would build my arousal. There was a lovely otk spanking the night before, then he teased me just to the edge, he used me, he whispered about the things he would do to me... There was a long, slow warm up that built in intensity perfectly, there were the implements i really love, there was touching and teasing and finally bringing me way over the edge.

He likes to make me happy. It took me a long time to accept and believe this; maybe not believe it's true, but believe it's ok.  I guess that has always been my personality. All my life and still now, i have a very hard time letting people do things for me. But he wants to. He wants me to be happy, not in an indulged way, but in a filled with joy way. He especially wants to play my body and my mind to bring me pleasure (ok - so maybe that is indulging). And he especially loves to make me come.

Earlier in the week was a different time. I was preoccupied and edgy and given the choice, probably would have chosen to skip the whole thing. I know that the intensity, if not the pace, was not very different from yesterday - many of the implements were the same even. But my perception of it was entirely different. The restraints that usually move me to a different headspace only frustrated me. It hurt - pure and simple, beginning to end. And i was angry, mad, seething and not very able to control my breathing much less the rest of me.

We have safewords. Beyond that, he has stopped a few times in the past when he feels worried by the way i am acting or by what i say, even if not a safeword. We stop, talk and talk to figure out what's wrong; no harm, no foul. I have never used our words, and i didn't this time. In fact, I don't think i even asked him in plain English to stop.

And this is the part that makes me wonder. Why wouldn't i ask him to stop - either in plain words or with a safeword. Those are two very different issues i'm sure. Using the words 'stop' or 'quit' or such wouldn't really mean anything in that context, but would require me to let go of my control over myself and just be and do. And i'm not always able to let go of myself to that degree.

Using a safeword is a different matter. It would mean a great deal, it would stop the action, it should mean something is really wrong. To me - it should mean i am genuinely distressed or afraid. And I wasn't. I was furious, I wanted it all to end, but i didn't want him to stop. And there is a big difference.

For one thing, I am glad he didn't stop because I need to know he won't, that i can't manipulate him. For better or worse, I need to be reminded of this repeatedly.  I need to believe that he does things for me because it is what he wants.

The few times that things have gone this way - it makes me question myself. Why do i do this? Why do i want it? Why is it part of me? Do i put up with the times like earlier in the week because i know that sometimes it will be like the second? Is it because i want to get to the part where we are finished and i can crawl into his arms and he holds me and tells me what a good girl i am?   Is it because, no matter how much i wanted it to end, i felt closer and connected and safer and more confident in us, and in myself, for days afterward?

All of those are true, certainly. I know that there was more though. It is too simple to say it is what i agreed to, although that's true. It is what i agreed to.  If you strip everything else away, it would come down to what he says goes, but i believe it is really much more complex than that for most people. It's maybe not too simple to say that he wanted it, and i wanted to give that to him.  It made me very happy the rest of the week to know I had been able to give him what he wanted.

It's time to dig in

2011-05-07T07:24:00.000-04:00

The weather is finally catching up to the calandar. It's spring.

There is warmth and abundant rain.

And all around are colors and growth and interest.

It's time i start cultivating the gardens here in our new place.

We've done a lot of work on the inside.

Now the roof is fixed and the structure is sound.

I'm liking the look and the flow of the space we live in.

Now we need to look outside, to build on what we've prepared for.

There's real potential there, it just needs some work.

2011-05-03T07:27:00.000-04:00

I recently completed another trip around the sun. To celebrate the occasion, my husband (and boys) gave me really, really mundane kitchen implements. In fact - i got a shiny new pepper grinder, and one hot pad - yup - just one - cuz they thought one of my current set was still serviceable. There are lots and lots of wonderful things my husband is teaching the boys about being good men; birthday gifts is not one of them.

The thing is - there is usually a personal gift, just for me, not for public consumption. That gift is always very well thought out and planned, and usually very effective, and very appreciated. It's just that the world doesn't see it. This occasion was no exception.

My posts lately, for a good bit in fact, have been heavy on introspection and deep thoughts, mistakes made and lessons learned. Of course, that's because that is what life has mostly been recently: growing, growing pains i guess. The fantasy of it all, and the fantasies underneath it all, seem to have faded away a great deal. I guess the honeymoon's over... On to real life and all that...

I think that some of the overall benefits, the day to day effects, the really concrete stuff that makes our relationship and our family life better comes at the expense of the idealism, the fantasy, the imagination. I'm a pretty sensible girl, i know what is important, and i wouldn't trade the current feeling of closeness and (yes) intimacy that i have with my husband for anything. But i do miss that dark edge, the flip flop in my stomach at times, the sudden quickening of breath, the anticipation of being transported.

For us, the physical things that are peculiar to BDSM, or at least to *our* practice of it, are not used for punishment, or even discipline in a very strict sense. At one time, they would be used to help restore my sense of balance, or maybe adjust a wayward attitude. But lately, that has been accomplished more through words and effort. And I trust him, i don't need to go through daunting physical challenges to learn or to show my trust in him.

Which has left me wondering what role play might have for us at this point. Is it something we will just outgrow? Was my once-upon-a-time intense need for pain a delusion or a passing fancy? And what about the fantasy, the anticipation, the edge? Are those also things that get left by the wayside? Are they part of the honeymoon only? Are they a "less mature" way of expressing ourselves and we should outgrow them? Because i don't really want to give them up, but i do see that their role is not the same as it had been.

I've seen people write about not calling the physical interactions of BDSM "play", the arguement being it is real and serious and not pretend or to be taken lightly. I suppose that i have plenty of real and serious in my life already. My committment and submission to my husband is not perfect, but it is not taken lightly and is certainy not pretend. I can't help but think of our physical expression of that as play. It is all the best things that play is, free, expressive, physical, fun, challenging, exhausting, uplifting, revitalizing...

And i think that, at least right here, right now, play is exactly the right role for it: something to look forward to, a way for us to explore and express ourselves, a way to push each other, a way to realign those subtle shifts of power that get a little off in the day to day, a way to find joy in each other. And the special gift he gave me on this occasion? It has me (very intentionally i'm sure) swinging between anticipation and fear, between the excitiment of a deep rooted fantasy or maybe unexplored kink of mine and wondering if i'm just nuts. It has me a little in awe of him and a little on edge. Thinking about it takes me outside of the day to day and to a place that is just him and me.

an evolution of helplessness

2011-04-27T08:02:00.001-04:00

Sir J's post about helplessness ties in very directly with a lot of what i've been working on recently. It's not in my nature to cut myself slack, but i'm doing it this time - i think that it's a process i had to go through, i'm sure i'm not finished and this is not the final word, i hope that i am learning and growing in a useful direction, but i think it is all part of the process.

For me, helplessness isn't about ordinary things. I can pretend to be helpless, it's an old game.  I play dumb sometimes too. Sometiems he thinks it's cute, or maybe he just finds it annoying.  But it's uncommon, and it is just a game, no one is uncertain about that.

But my emotional balance, my mental state, my sense of well being and day to day frame of mind - those are all much, much more complicated.

Prior to ttwd i certainly wouldn't say i had control of my emotions; at best, i barely learned to mask or hide them as needed. I carried on in spite of them and maybe make it look like all was well. But i absolutely didn't share them, and wouldn't consider looking outside myself for help in changing bad feelings, or in maintaining a sense of well being or mental balance. In fact, i didn't have any way to change my moods or attitude myself either. I wouldn't have known that was even a possibility. Emotionally, i just went where the wind blew.

One of the first things he pushed for once we agreed to extend D/s into all of our relationship was for me to be open with him about my feelings - really open, like i had never been before.  Also, we discovered early on that attention, spanking, pain, play, etc did help reset me, restore my mental balance, improve my mood, adjust my attitude - whatever you wish to call it. It is good, it feels good, it is a release and a great reconnection.

But it isn't always possible, mostly because of timing, and the reluctance on my part to depend on him for that.  A reluctance i fought to overcome. He wants to take care of me, he wants me to rely on him. That is what he sees as the point and the gain of all this. And one big area he wanted was for me to accept his help in my mental state. And i didn't want that to happen. It has been hard to learn to let that happen. And now that i am learning it, it feels very good.

Only in the past few weeks am i starting to see that it isn't necesssarily service to him to depend on him for my emotional balance in the way that i had.  Sometimes it is just work for him.  And sometimes he needs me to work for him instead. Sometimes what he really needs is for me to remain balanced and even joyful, to carry on, to help him remain balanced, to provide a respite.

I have begun to see that the continued evolution may be my learning to control or balance my own emotions, my own mental well being.  I think this must be a fairly normal progression of ttwd. Or maybe not, maybe it is just us. We are certainly still figuring out us.

There is a nice image in my head of my being able to be pleasant, and pleasing, and bringing him joy rather than strife and angst. On the other hand, his image has to do with me being completely open, no longer resisting him, turning to him with all of me and relying on him. Maybe there is a way for these two images to meld.  Maybe there is something more i haven't glimpsed yet. I wonder if he has?

listening

2011-04-25T08:17:00.001-04:00

The past few weeks have been wearisome. I've tried again and again to write out my thoughts and what i've learned and how i got stuck; after all, that's what this blog was supposed to be for. Often, writing it out does help me see things more clearly.

This time though, i'm finding that i don't want to dwell here anymore.  I've had my mistakes pointed out, much to my chagrin and my shame. I've talked it out. And i'm fed up with myself for winding up right back in the same spot i've been in before. I should be able to learn and move on.

So i'm shamelessly stealing Xantu's technique here, with a twist. A few bullet points of  things i would be well served to remember:

if i say i want this - i need to mean i want to follow him, his way, not mine - that is the underlying assumption of which i seem to keep losing sight
the fact that he wants and needs this dynamic in his way, not mine - does not mean he doesn't want or need it; quite the opposite, it means he gets it (and i've missed it - see above)
he doesn't need to use the words or gestures i think he should - i should pay attention to what he does say and do
that if what he needs is time, space, rest, patience, peace... then that is what i should try to provide
stopping me, holding me, kissing me, making me kiss him also - are perfectly good ways to say "I love you"
"I will" instead of "I want" is an incredibly useful paradigm shift (Thank you Sir J)
a crop, a flogger, and several canes are very good at changing a girl's mindset, re-focusing her on what she should, and resetting a wonderful feeling of connection
as effective and wonderful as those are - that girl needs to work to be the person he wants, and the person she wants to be for him, under her own steam; that is what he really wants

full of myself

2011-04-20T07:41:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to figure out why i'm so discontented, so off, so fragile and down...

And every path i take in my mind keeps coming back to "I want...."

So I will stop trying to figure it out - because i don't like me when I'm focused on "I want"

it doesn't feel helpful

2011-04-16T09:26:00.001-04:00

There have been a number of people writing about how a sub helps and supports her Dom when he is the one who needs it (see Dauntless Vitality here, and A Dominant Character here, and Kytten here. I have to say though, that in my case, it doesn't feel like i am being helpful at all.   It feels like the most i am offering is not adding to the problems, and maybe staying out of the way. To a mom and someone who is a problem solver by nature and profession - this doesn't feel like much.

The phrase "still waters run deep" was coined just for my husband. Add to this the fact that when he is upset about something, he doesn't usually respond then and there. I really believe that he mulls over, deciding if it's an okay thing to be upset about, or if it's actually misplaced anger. And he compartmentalizes like you've never seen: work in one box, home in another, the kids, politics, the price of gas, tea in china - all have a little box in his head and the ick from one almost never drips over onto another.   And (in the understatement of the century) he doesn't like to talk about his feelings.   Ok - I think i've covered all the applicable stereotypes.

The sum of all of this though is that he doesn't tend to get upset when and how you would expect. He is so even keel that the tiniest ripples, the most subtle changes in behavior, can be almost alarming. This is the him that i know, i am familiar with it.  The subtle changes that most people, including our kids, don't even notice, can shake me to my core.

And the past week he has been very off, distracted, distant, not sleeping, and not at all connected. This has been much more than tiny ripples, and I have been very, very shaken by it. A day or two i can attribute to work or some other stress, by mid-week it was only getting worse. When i asked, he assured me it wasn't me, that he didn't know why he was so off-kilter, but i hadn't done anything to upset him. (Unless i keep prodding - that upsets him)

Previously, I would have become paranoid that he was hiding something, or defensive, as if he were blaming me, or just pissed off that he was being so unpleasant.   There *is* a new pattern now and that *is* a good thing. I have been able to argue myself out of my paranoia or defensiveness. I've managed to (mostly) keep moving and go about the usual day to day stuff. I've gotten all the things done that needed to be done, without adding too much to his worry. He knows i am very concerned and feeling unsure of how to act and wanting to be able to help. But my fears and upset haven't spilled over to infect the kids and rest of the house.

So - to that end - i am glad i have been able to give him the time and space to work through what he needs to without the double burden of soothing the emotions of me and potentially the whole family. I'm sure he has worried some, wondering if i would last or if i would come to a breaking point. I can't change that though, it will take time for each of us to trust ourselves, each other, and "the system."

But still - not being an additional problem does not feel at all like being really helpful. And i think that most people - of whatever flavor - do feel a strong desire to help when they see that someone they love is distressed.

I don't have the feeling that i am accomplishing what seems to be described in any of the blogs i mentioned above.  I appreciate the explanations. It sounds right and lovely and i want to believe that i offer him something similar. I want to believe that this, essentially very passive, offering is really of some benefit to him. I really have no idea if he views my submission as a comfort or even a good thing in his life. I know that there are two competing implications of my submission: i feel much, much more acutely lost and hurt by his distance and withdrawal, but i am better able to trust him when he says it's not me and to wait and let him work through it.

All of that aside though, it is always hard to watch someone you love struggle with something and not feel like you are able to help.

unconventional cure

2011-04-11T09:12:00.002-04:00

Sometimes, not often mind you because i am really most often just very demure and compliant, but every once in awhile, i get into a mood that just won't quit.

This mood was cute and playful - or irritating and smart-assed, depending on whom you ask. And it wasn't the mood he was looking for. He had a plan and that plan involved me being quiet and open and pleasing and - well - submissive. He warned me that if i didn't get on board with the plan *now*, that he would make sure i did.  Of course, i was instantly intrigued and all thoughts of self control went out the window. So i kept pushing.

Topping from the bottom?  Certainly i manipulated the situation - he told me what he wanted, and i ignored that looking to see how he would respond. Maybe i would like the response?? So on the surface - maybe people would call it topping.

On the other hand, we know each other well. When he really doesn't want to play games - he just doesn't play. He warns once, then tells me he will stop and roll over and leave me alone if I don't comply. And I've pushed, and he has done just that, and frankly - it sucks and i won't push that way again.

This was not that.  This time, he told me that if i didn't settle down it would "get intense." Sounds like a gauntlet being laid - no? Who could resist that? Not I!

He has in the past used the clover clamps always just hard enough and just long enough; he seems to magically know just when to stop. This time went well beyond that, to the point that i was furious and genuinely worried, besides being very, very focused on the pain. That got my attention.

Then he turned attention into complete submission. There is something about trying to get his whole fist up there that demands my entire focus be on him. It requires me to be completely trusting and totally open to him (I know - duh). And it always produces an overwhelming flood of sensations and emotions. He got me right to quiet and open and pleasing -and oh so submissive.

And it was a very, very good experience for me on a lot of levels. But it leaves me wondering if he would have preferred I comply straight off, or if he enjoys the whole dance on some level as well.

just because

2011-04-06T07:19:00.002-04:00

The question is central in christianity - are we saved by grace or by faith or by our works. In other words, do we earn God's love, or is God's love always there and we accept it or reject it, we live in it and work with it, or we don't.

I actually am a little uneasy with drawing parallels between D/s and religion; but some of the parallels are undeniable, so off i go with my train of thought.

There are times that i catch myself feeling like i have to earn my husband's love and affection. It's not often, and it doesn't come from him, it comes from me. I love him because i do, not because he earns it. Why do i soemtimes have trouble accepting that the other way around?

I believe there are several big ways that D/s differs from abuse and i believe this is one of them. The idea that love is contingent in any way, i think leads to abuse - or comes from the same faulty wiring as the abusiveness in any case.

When i catch myself thinking about earnign his love - it also makes me wonder if that's where this submissiveness comes from. Is that why this desire to serve, to please, to give myself to him? Is it so i feel worthy or that i earned his love for me? Or at least, that i earned the care he takes of me?

I don't understand this submissiveness at all. One side of it is the fact that i need certain things, or at least i function and relate and thrive much better when handled in certain ways. The other side is that i have an undeniable impulse to act certain ways - to do things for him, to please him, to offer myself to him. (I know i've repeated myself - i don't know how else to say it).

Actually - i did deny those impulses for very long time, or just refused to recognize them. And I can still hear the voice in my head telling me that I shouldn't let myself be used, or be taken advantage of, or that I needed to be vigilant to keep things fair or i would end up being walked all over. It wasn't an altogether useful way to live and relate. No matter what i may have said or believed, that kept me at a self imposed distance.

I still don't understand being submissive. I am this way just because and he loves me just because.

what i want vs what he wants

2011-04-04T09:23:00.000-04:00

He has told me what he wants. It's not at all a long or detailed list. There are some rules, things he never felt he should have a say in previously, that now he likes done his way. Most of that - I've mostly managed. And there is only very minimal anything that could be called a ritual. It's pretty simple stuff, and even at that, i kinda push back. Or if not pushing back, i giggle and manage not to offer it gracefully or graciously. Honestly - i can't imagine what it should look like: standing naked waiting to get into bed, asking permission to get into bed.   How should that look? What does one do with her hands, her eyes?

Overall, big picture, there are a few things that are very important to him and those he wants to be made to happen.

He wants me to focus on my work. He wants me to not let drifting off into this world in my mind, or chatting, or anything else, interfere.  He wants me to succeed at it - not just their definition of success, but for me to feel i have really accomplished what i can. And for the most part, I do.  (Have i mentioned here that i really, really like my new job?  It's a great fit, it combines all my occupational passions into one job, the people around me are engaged and supportive and challenging, in a good way; it's the perfect position for me to be the things i love to be, and not need to be what i am not.)

He wants a peaceful home: structure with plenty of room for fun, order but not living in a museum, warmth and love that the boys will feel safe to come back to so they can go out and conquor the dragons in their own worlds...  Honestly, that has come pretty naturally with the change in our dynamic. It just flows better.

He wants me to take care of myself.  I used to run. Actually, i used to really enjoy doing triathalons.  I also liked being fit. Just to clarify, lest anyone have a really skewed image of me - I'm no true athlete, I'm slow and plodding even when i'm in shape. But i've gotten far, far away from anything resembling 'in shape.' And this is what he would like me to get back.  But it's hard, and it's boring, and there's no time, and i'm getting old, and it's cold out (or too hot), and i would rather stay in, and, and, and...

And this is just a really mundane thing for him to ask of me. It's not sexy or erotic or exciting or the kind of challenge i want. It's like laundry - if you do it today, it just needs to be done again tomorow, and the next day. And it's something i should do anyhow.  I would face this same challenge if i had never heard of ttwd.

If only he could ask of me something more fun, maybe erotic or provacative, like in all the fun stories: maybe being plugged (as i do laundry), or wearing nipple clamps (to walk the dog), or going pantiless (to the kids' soccer practice.) On second thought - my life may not be suited to erotic fiction at all.

I can convince myself that my working out helps him too. I've never had, nor will ever have, a killer body - so that's not the gain for him.    But, when i can get into a routine, i am better balanced, i like myself better, i have more energy, etc. It also it helps him stay on track. He has his ups and downs and stressors and busy times and, and, and... just like me.  It's easier for both of us to stay on track if both of us are on the track together. Plus, lets face it, it makes it easier for me to get my knees behind my ears first thing in the morning, or to hold that really low position he likes a little longer.

So - when he nudges me, or outright tells me to pull my shoes on and get out the door, i try hard to do just that. I just hope he doesn't mis-interpret all this and decide I should wear nipple clamps under my jogbra or a plug to swim.

i caught a glimpse

2011-04-01T09:59:00.000-04:00

For a moment last night i caught a glimpse of it and it was beautiful!

Ok - that may be overly melodramatic - but i did see something last night.

Often when he asks me at night what i have to tell him - i freeze up. The millions of thoughts i have during the day, even the ones i chew on and worry over, all poof away, or stay just far enough out of reach that i see them, but can't make them coalesce enough to make him see them. Last night the words just flowed and i heard my thoughts for the first time along with him.

I want to be able to let go of worrying about this dynamic. I want to be able to trust him on the level that means i don't look at it, and watch it, and wonder about it, about whether it's going the way it should, whether it's going too fast or too slow, or even whether it's going at all.  I want to be able to worry about him and about me, not about whether he is keeping us going the way i think i want.

More accurately - i want the thoughts about needing to watch over this dynamic to stop occuring to me at all. Right now - they occur, I argue with myself, wrestle them into a corner and force myself to behave as if they don't occur - which only really works to a degree. Doubt, irritibility, silliness, fatigue - all of these creep out anyhow, or crop up because of this internal wrestling match.

I know i can't actually let go of knowing how i feel about things, imagining what i might like, craving this or that at a particular time - but i can envision being able to accept all those thoughts, see what they mean about me maybe, but not using them as a test of our dynamic.

And i dont think its a matter of letting go of all of my feelings and desires and responses, or pretending those thoughts don't exist.  I think it's a matter of being able to tell him that this is what i feel or think or imagine - purely in letting him know - not with a view to nudging him one way or another, not strategically to keep things flowing when i think they might be stalling, but just because its something i want to share with him.

I've come to this realization before. That keeps happening: the same concepts keeps coming up, but on a different level or in a different way. That was the glimpse i got.  I knew, still know, that there is a lot of control left to give over. I'm not upset with myself about it and i don't wish he had just taken that control.  It's not the kind he can take or force or even ask me to give because it is way down deep in my mind. I think we both know it's there but had no idea what it looked like or how to get at it.

My outward appearance, my behavior, is what it is - but we both know that is forced at times and in some areas. That's ok. It's like that grade school question about sin: if i think it but don't act on it, is it a sin? What we actually do - in spite of our thoughts and impulses - is what matters. But i think as we get older we realize that we ought to mature in our thoughts and desires too. Why do we have those not nice thoughts?  How can we get around to a way of being so that our first thoughts are better?

In this case, my first thoughts and impulses aren't what i see they necessarily can be, what i think i want them to be. But i need to get around to a way of being that the place they come from sends up the right kind in the first place. And that's what i caught a glimpse of last night. I saw what it would feel like to have the right kinds of impulses, that I'm not just surpressing the desire for control in this area, that it just isn't occuring to me at all.

Actually, melodramatic or not, it was beautiful. While i was listening to myself describe this to my husband, i could feel the relief of it, and the joy. Maybe now that i can see it, i can start getting at it.

2011-03-30T07:48:00.000-04:00

I've been in a funk that i don't seem to be coming out of. I'm not depressed or really even down, just blah. I'm sure there is a lot of very mundane stuff contributing. It's supposed to be spring, but its still cold and brown; family stuff; nasty sinus infection; the roof is leaking; my dog left me and my wife ran away - go ahead and sing along...

To a great extent, I think i'm simply in withdrawal. The last two years have seen almost every part of our lives in upheaval - almost all in good ways, but upended nonetheless. I finished something that consumed my time effort for a long time, I changed jobs, we moved far away, the kids changed schools and friends and activities, and - oh yea - my husband and i re-worked our marriage pretty thoroughly. Now - we are here, things are rolling along, it's all working out pretty well, (the roof is being fixed), and we seem to have ended up at a place and a dynamic in our marriage that fits us better than i think either of us imagined it would. Suddenly i don't have to work so hard - at any of it.

It's like paddling furiously through a long tricky spot, then finding yourself still paddling furiously in the lovely calm stretch. When you realize where you are, you slow down and rest, but some part of your body feels like it ought to be still racing. I think i just need to figure out how to switch gears (to really mix metaphors) on a lot of fronts.

I've done calm stretches of regular life before, i have an idea how to manage that, more or less. For ttwd, i don't know - there was so much to learn, so much change, and so much positive feedback from all of it, that i think the withdrawal is a little harsh. There is also the anxiety that not focusing on it so intently means it will fade away, or isn't there at all. It's easy for me to lose sight of the fact that the change and the work of making the changes happen aren't the object of the effort, but the dynamic itself is. My guess is that i need to be able to shift even further to see that my husband and myself are the true focus, not the dynamic.

In the mean time, i think i need to learn how to be where we are.

what i really need

2011-03-25T07:28:00.000-04:00

Everything else aside, I really need to know that he needs me, wants me, cherishes me.

I don't know why sometimes I doubt this, but when it happens, it crumbles my foundation. It leaves me crushed inside and lost in my world.

And I don't know why this one thing is so hard to tell him. Or why it takes so long to find my footing again once I have.

I wish...

2011-03-22T07:28:00.000-04:00

I am so grateful to my husband for being open minded, for taking chances, for trying a new way of relating, and for steadfastly doing it all his way. I don't think he can really comprehend how much more right I feel about so many parts of life now, how much more deeply connected I feel to him. I have, not a regret, but a wish, that the tables had been turned. I wish I could offer him what he has given me. I wish I could be for him the piece he didn't even know he was looking for, to fit into his life and be exactly what he needs.

i don't like to share

2011-03-19T10:59:00.000-04:00

This is a supremely non-kinky post. It is a little winey, and a bit petty, and entirely real life.

My husband had a very last minute opportunity to go out of town with his best friend, for something fun, for this weekend. And i am glad he had this chance. He doesn't get to do 'guy' things often, he doesn't get to spend time with his friend often - at least not without wives and all the kids hanging out too. And he almost never gets to go do something fun, for himself.

But I'm also bummed. We don't get many quiet weekends at home, we don't get a lot of time for just the two of us, and we don't get a lot of time as a family without all the other activities and obligations. I don't like to share him.

He asked me if i would be okay with him going. He's not one of those (likely only fictional anyhow) Doms who really makes it all only about Him. He never ignores my needs and feelings and he certainly puts the well being of his family first.

And maybe there are people out there who's submission extends far enough or is perfect enough that they would feel only the happiness for him, glad he's able to take advantage of the opportunity - without the disappointment. I'm not one of those people.

I wanted him to go, but i am disappointed. I think he had trouble understanding how i can be both at the same time. If i said i want him to go - that is that. If i were going to be disappointed about it, I should have said i didn't want him to go. But i feel both, and i am rational enough to know that really - i want him to be enjoying himself.

So now i need to suck it up, get over it, and make it a fun weekend for me and the boys.

pushing vs giving freely

2011-03-16T10:02:00.002-04:00

There are so many ways of doing D/s or M/s relationships out there.  Some sound just lovely, and loving, and very appealing.  And i sometimes wonder if my husband wouldn't like for me to be more like this or that. Wouldn't he love it if I did x, y or z? Clearly every dynamic needs to be unique to the people in it - to be sustainable it needs to fit and meet the needs of each person in it: so many people - so many ways of making things work.

If i really think about it though, many things that appeal or seem so nice really don't fit us. And at this point, i know that if my husband wanted us, or me, to be a certain way - he would make that happen (i'll come back to the idea of doing things for him in a bit). Also - he really does know me, and he does seem to have a knack for doing things the way that work best for me, not that fit my likes and dislikes per se, or that i think i want - but what really does reach me, what is good for me.

I will deny being a driven, accomplishment oriented person all day long - but that isn't entirely genuine.  I don't collect accomplishments, measure my worth by a list of achievements, or feel compelled to compete against other people, in any realm.  On the other hand, I am at my best when I am "on", when I am challenged, when I'm working towards something, when i feel i am contributing. I become stagnant and withdrawn and fairly unpleasant, fairly quickly, if I am not engaged in things.

So i guess I would characterize what my husband does, our "style" as pushing. He has (has really always had) high expectations; he looks for me to excel at what i do take on and not to shy away from taking on new challenges. He pushes me to give full effort, and to move beyond my comfort zone, and to grow. He expects this in my professional life, in caring for our family, the house, in taking care of myself (the area in which i succeed the least, btw), even our vacations are not "easy."

I love this. I love, of course, when he is proud of me, I do love the "good girl."  But i am and have always been self motivating, goal oriented.  I thrive on meeting the challenges and moving forward and learning new skills and doing.  This truly is the best way for him to keep me on an even keel and, well, a happy mom does make for a more peaceful home.

It is also the best way to keep me connected to him: it makes me feel that i want to give more, it stimulates me and motivates me and leads me to feel all those warm, fuzzy, submissive feelings towards him. I want to please him; he asks for and is pleased by my doing these very things that play into my best functioning anyhow. How perfect?

So, as far as my submission - he certainly doesn't have to fight me for it, in fact I am sure he wouldn't. I do need to know that he wants it though. I can't submit to or in a vacuum. I've tried that.  I have tried to be somehow or do something that he didn't ask for or didn't want - it leaves me with a horrid, empty, disgusted feeling. I need him to push me enough to feel it. He does that and it feeds me.

There is a balance to all this pushing though, a balance I've lost. He shouldn't have to push for everything.
I should sometimes try to anticipate what he will want or like. I should take the initiative.  I love the pushes to take it all to the next level (see above), but i certainly manage the kids, the house, my job, without his intervention. I take initiative, try new things, do things just because i know he will like them. This isn't earth shattering - we've been doing this married/family/life thing a long time now.

But in pleasing him specfically and intimately, I have forgotten completely to step up and take any initiative. I have fallen so much into being open and following and being directed, that I've gotten downright lazy. I do find myself more upset by the idea of failing or missing the mark than i ever used to be - but that's an excuse and he deserves for me to make an effort in this area. Quite frankly, it's the one area in which he can't push me (it would be somewhat like pushing someone to throw you a surprise party), I need to push myself.

touching me, owning me

2011-03-14T07:36:00.001-04:00

He's doing some things differently lately and i have no idea how I'm supposed to respond.

He has previously asserted his "ownership" of my various body parts during times he wanted to use them, or even when he wanted me to maintain them some way or another. But he hasn't been big on referring to the pieces connected to me as his, or even referring to me as a whole as his - if all that makes any sense.

Over the past few weeks he has been changing it up. I thought i was comfortable with him touching me, i thought i had made peace with him wanting access anytime. Most of the time i enjoy this, appreciate it; even if I'm not quite feeling it, I can go along.

This is different, it is more than access, more than just use.

Before i may get into bed at night I must submit to being touched (or pinched, or bitten, or whatever). This may lead somewhere, or may simply be the price of admission. He may want me to engage him and channel the ineveitable arousal of his attention to his benefit. This I understand. Or he may roll over and leave me just there, mostly confused.

He has held my pussy - just cupped his hand right onto the whole thing and held it firmly. No teasing or rubbing or even hurting - just holding it. For a very long time. Past the time it took for me to wonder wtf? Past the time for me to start to squirm. Past the time for me to begin to be aroused (at nothing - go figure). Past the time for me to pipe up and ask what he wanted of me. Past the time for me to really, really want him to let me go.

Part of the point of this blog is for me to try to sort out my thoughts and feelings about things, to at least get them ordered enough to look at by getting them ordered enough to write down. This thing leaves me with no good idea how i feel. It is incredibly disconcerting in the moment: i have no idea what to do, how he wants me to be or act. It seems like it should be something that makes me feel good, feel connected and submissive; it's touch, right? I just don't know about this one.

he could have - but he didn't

2011-03-10T07:06:00.000-05:00

We were spending time with some of our oldest friends, sitting around in the evening, after a great and very active day, just the adults. Our friends were joking around with each other........

Him: woman - get over here and give me a foot rub
Her: HA! (And some other words)
(You would have to know them - this would be so far out of character for her that a footrub at this point might be physically dangerous for him)
Him: I said now woman.
Him: (To us) see she does whatever I tell her to
Him: I'm waiting....... (imagine stern look and foot tapping)

Meanwhile - my heart is in my mouth as I try to guage from the look on my husband's face how he's going to play this.
Will he just watch the show and keep himself/us out of it? Not bloody likely - as they say - where's the fun in not making me squirm?
Will he start beating his chest and order me to his feet in front of everyone?
How would I pull that off with this group and in this moment?
How could I directly and publicly refuse him like she had - with disdain, but nicely?

And I'm so grateful for the way he did play it -
Him (my Him this time): Stay right there on the sofa and don't you dare get up till I tell you!
Me: Yes Sir!

fragile

2011-03-07T20:43:00.000-05:00

When my kids were much younger - they were always excited for new adventures, thrilled to travel, visit cousins, stay the night with friends and family, even if mom and dad weren't going to be with them. When their favorite aunt would offer "who wants to have a sleepover at our house?" they clamored to be allowed to go. They had no qualms or reservations, no separation anxiety, not even a look back over their shoulder. On good days I told myself this meant they were happy, well-adjusted, self assured, adventurous kids. If my mood were darker though, I was sure it meant they just didn't love me, didn't need me, hadn't bonded well, I had clearly failed somewhere. Why would they be so anxious to leave my side?

Same phenomenon, two totally different interpretations of it.

Which is pretty normal I guess - everything we think we know or sense or experience is filtered through our brains and everything from the pretty colors to the muck that reside there.

Right now everything is coming through all wrong for me. I'm very off kilter from my usual self. Everything anyone says sounds like a criticism, every passsing look on anyone's face seems like anger directed at me. It's not that i feel the world is against me, it's that i feel that i can't do anything right. This is especially strong with my husband. The harder I try to get things right, the more i feel i am failing and that he is unhappy or annoyed or upset at me. It has me feeling like i'm living on eggshells and always spinning to try to get things right. And I'm quite sure it's enormously frustrating to him to be on the recieving end.

this happens, not often, but I've had it happen before. I supppose many people do in some form or another from time to time. My response is different now though. I think that previously, I would get very angry and defensive. I would lash out and make sure anyone and everyone knew it wasn't my fault. Now I find myself putting blame back on myself more than i think i would have previously. I'm sure the anger and defensiveness wasn't useful, but turning things back on myself seems to keep things spiraling the wrong way.

This doesn't have to do directly with D/s, except that it does. It's all about how my husband and I relate to each other. It's about the fact that now i try to do more to please him, so i care more when i fail at that. It's about the fact that i work to avoid being defensive and lashing out at him. It's about the fact that I look to him to help keep me from going off the rails; right now, even if he asked, I would have no idea what would work to pull me back.

And, when I can think more clearly, i know it's also about my being competent, and confident and strong. I think these are things he want me to be. He wants me to handle life, and to excel at the things i do, and to be his equal partner (yea - his words - i'll have to wonder about that another day). Fragile isn't his goal.

small, tiny humiliation

2011-03-02T06:05:00.001-05:00

I'm going away for a long weekend. My husband is already away. We will be staying with lots of other people so he didn't pack any toys. But i got an email yesterday entitled "Things to pack."

1. small pocket sized sunscreen. I think there is some in the bathroom closet
2. condoms
3. lube, if we have some in a 3.5 oz or less size. you'll need to put that in
a ziplock for security
4. red butt plug, assuming you can bring #3
guess what i've been thinking about ....

Uhhhmmm???? I wonder????

I was not able to convince him that a clear plastic baggie wouldn't hide the lube from all the folks in line around me and that the TSA guys might get a kick out of searching my bag publicly to figure out # 4. (His response "why do you care what the TSA guys think?") I think humiliation is very much relative to the humilatee.

humiliation???

2011-02-27T11:17:00.001-05:00

Humiliation hasn't been a part of what we do - or what he does to me. Maybe it is just deeply ingrained that a man doesn't treat a woman that way; it took him some time to become comfortable with hitting me, maybe causing emotional distress feels even more wrong. Maybe he has a sense that it would have the potential to really damage me.  Maybe it would. Maybe it is hard for him to reconcile wanting to be with me if he views me as something i should be ashamed of. Maybe it's just simply not in his wiring; if it doesn't do anything for him, there are plenty of other means at his disposal to get what he wants out of me.....

He does however tease me. I have no idea how he manages it, but his teasing sometimes walks a very thin line between hurtful and absolutely effective. I think he can do it because he knows exactly where my insecurities lie, and which ones are flexible and which ones are rock solid. He can tease me no end about being short, I am, and i'm not at all insecure about it.  Even a hint of a jab at my figure however would be devastating. Those are the easy ones. There are insecurities i have that are harder to predict though. Even i can't tell you why i sometimes am quite at ease with certain things and other times filled with self doubt.

For example, he does tease me about my neediness, about the fact that i am nearly constantly wanting or even aroused, that i hint around, that i come to him using whatever tricks i think i can get away with to let him know what i want.   He makes a big show of turning me down and rolling his eyes and acting put upon. It does make me pause and wonder about myself. Maybe teasing me about being needy is really the same as calling me a slut or a whore. The implication is certainly the same. I know that he loves me needy though. He may get genuinely frustrated when my efforts to sway him are poorly timed, but he is thrilled to have me ready when he wants and to be able to play with me and manipulate me by my libido.

If he called me dirty names, or made me refer to myself that way - i don't know if it would feel humiliating or just artifical and contrived, like he was doing something he had read somewhere, not what he really wanted. Of course, maybe the fact of seeming so out of character and artificial would be the source of the humiliation. Being made to do something i didn't believe he would ever ask of me, and not being allowed to question him about it, has had very interesting effects on me in other situations.

He also teases me about being kinky and about my kinks specifically - that i want to be hurt til i cry, that i need him to overpower me and subdue me, that restraining my body unleashes it. This is right there at the edge of my insecurities. I do still wonder why i'm wired this way. And i still really wonder why he isn't put off or even disgusted by me being this way. It isn't normal, why should he have to put up with it, what must he really think of me? It's a really fine line: too far and it would push me into a tailspin of self doubt. As backwards as it seems, i think the balance he strikes helps strengthen my trust that it's ok, that he really likes all this too, that it's like being short, it's just who i am.

So is it (the right kind of) humiliation if it picks at an insecurity? If not, if it only picks at an area that a person "should" feel shame about, but knows the other person actually revels in - why is that still effective? I know this ignores a huge chunk of the spectrum of humiliting possibilites, like being made to do or endure things that are shaming. Maybe those aren't a consideration for us because it is of no interest to him, maybe i couldn't handle it anyhow, if simply being teased is challenging enough.

no pouting

2011-02-25T10:50:00.000-05:00

We have 36 hours home, together, in the middle of over a week being in different parts of the country - with the time before and after that spent in very close quarters with lots of other people. So - it's been like - forever - since i've had my ass properly beaten - and will be another forever til we can again.

Today - the daytime portion of that 36 hours - we had actually finagled to both be working at home - with the KIDS AT SCHOOL. Damn snow day!!!

Apparently i have a slight tendancy to make my disappontment evident. I've been told that I may not pout or mope. And maybe - if i am good - and there is no hint of petulance, he will do his thing tonight, late, and quietly.

So - here's hoping - and btw - this is not to be construed as moping - at all!! No Sir - this is all smiles :)

What's left?

2011-02-24T07:30:00.000-05:00

There is no high drama, not really even any major angst. I no longer feel that obsessive, all-consuming drive for more, for going further, for pushing harder. I'm definitely beyond that sub-frenzy or whatever it was that made me feel like I absolutely had to have more control, more pain, more sex. The highs aren't as high, but the lows aren't as low.

I'm certainly not the same. I'm riding along in a very different gear than ever before, but i feel like i've found the right gear and the right cadence. When things are good, I revel in it, thrive on it, am thankful for it. When real life keeps us physically apart and mentally overwhelmed with so many other things, I miss it, and crave it, and i try, not very successfully, to be patient until the pendulum reverses course.

A friend has assured me that this is when the good part starts, when it really gets interesting. Selfishly, I hope so. I miss the highs, I miss the intensity of all the new feelings and experiences. I conveniently forget the lows and the angst and the drama. And a little bit of me wonders and worries that without that intensity it will fade away. Will it be self sustaining? Does it have enough momentum?

controlling other people

2011-02-21T09:15:00.000-05:00

Of course you can't - people can't really control other people - can't make them do things. You can manipulate the heck out of the situation and the environment - but you can't control other people.

I seek my husband's control of me - that's pretty well established at this point. But that isn't total control. All people retain their free will at some most basic level, this is as it should be. And it's a discussion for another time. Right now I'm running into the downside of this whole idea.

Right now i'm concerned about family members who i love very much, not my husband and children, but family i love and can't influence (or control) enough to really help. In movies or TV dramas, all imaginable circumstances are set up to work against the protagonists, their own personal flaws or tragic decisions have fed into the crisis, and the drama plays out like an inevitable train wreck. Except that in movies or on TV some small twist of plot or sudden enlightenment and change of course, or unrealistic last second reprieve gets worked in and all is saved in the end; the protagonists only shaken and slightly scarred.

In real life, real life happens. The circumstances of life move on, oblivious to the people being impacted. The people involved continue to live and make decisions the way they always have. Health deteriorates with age. And there is no deus ex machina.

There are answers that would help, there are many many people trying to help, there are many people expecting me to be able to get them to accept this help. I know it is an arrogance to think i (or we) know better than they how to run their lives - that doesn't make it less true here, just less comfortable.

In the end, we can't control other people. We also can't stand by and watch those we love sink into the quicksand of their lives.

the surreal to the sublime

2011-02-17T07:13:00.000-05:00

We are approaching two years that we have been doing this thing. I should probably change the wording on my profile; it's hard to argue we are new and "just discovering" these things. Except that we are still discovering new things about ourselves, things are still growing and changing and deepening - some days. Other days life just chugs along, busy, challenging, exciting, interesting, mundane, frustrating....

I clearly was not, still am not, one of those people who could see a new way of doing things, judge it to be interesting or useful, and just jump in and go. For better or for worse, i needed to do almost everything possible to make it difficult. Looking back, i'm not sure how i could simultaneously push for something new and fight it at every turn. My husband sits back and watches the show and does his thing, his way, not letting me go too far off the rails; I think he's a wise man.

It has been all along and still is both surreal and sublime. I have to remind myself that arranging our relationship this way, and especially most of the activities that now go along with that, aren't considered healthy, normal, or particularly acceptable in the wider world. It is surreal - it is completely real to us, it is our reality. But we really can't share that with the people in our everyday life because, from the outside looking in, it isn't a good way to live. Worse than just a not good way to live - from the outside, it looks very much like domineering, controlling, emotional and physical abuse on one side, and acquiescing to that on the other.

A friend recently asked me - very earnestly - what we had changed in our marriage to bring the peace and joy she sees in it now. And she sees well, that is what we feel this change has brought us. That's the sublime.

Nope, we didn't play; yup - i'm glad we went.

2011-02-14T11:26:00.001-05:00

We did go to the play party. I did wear a corset, a very short skirt, and thigh highs - not quite business casual, but hardly shocking attire.  I was ok walkign down the street, but I was very glad not to have bumped into anyone i knew on our way out of the conference hotel.

I was nervous and shy and it took me a bit to warm up and talk to people. But everyone was really very friendly (moreso than the local PTO in fact) and went out of their way to make us feel welcome.

On the other hand, it was a fairly small space, and very quiet - even the music. The things other people were doing were very private, intense things and everyone seemed to be keeping it hushed on purpose. The groups were mostly two's, but there was a group of three (and one person clearly totally immersed in self-suspension exercises). The intimacy and connections and focus between the people playing were palpable.

We ended up not playing, sort of because we didn't want to disturb the groups playing so quietly, and because, well - we would have been loud. We don't know how to do the quiet stuff, and we would have been instantly the center of attention.

We did talk with a number of people, especially early in the evening. And we watched, were even able to ask some questions. And they asked questions of us.   I think we both sort of soaked it all in and talked the next day about the things that had struck us.

So - no lurid stories, but i promise i didn't just sit analyzing the whole night, i was (more than i had expected)able to relax and just "be there".   So, here are some of the things that struck us, many of which revealed our own biases and misconceptions more than anything else:

There's a lot of diversity in this world. Duh! But i think it was good for us to see that. Just the two of us is a pretty small sample. Even "people who blog" is a pretty self-selecting-therefore-skewed group.

It doesn't have to be so damn serious. Some of the people who were there had come just to have fun -imagine ?!?

People's roles don't have to be so defined. Or some do, some don't. Many of the women there were switching, and having a good time with that, were excited they had permission or opportunity to do that. Oddly - none of the men seemed to be switching.

Take your time. People took time to prepare, to get ready. Doms took a nice long time getting their subs to a really good mental place, moving forward, backing off, reassuring, again and again.

My husband is fascinated by fire. I have a feeling fireplay is somewhere in our future - hopefully really far in the future, like maybe our next lifetime, although i doubt that.

Safety is important. People really did put safety before the unspoken pressure to not butt in.

I am not really a visual person. I didn't find watching arousing or erotic. Although i did smile through and through watching how blissed out and adorably happy and floaty one sub was all through her session, and afterwards.

Sharp things do stir something in me. I kindof knew this -  but - and this sounds odd to me now - but being near the really big guy playing with lots of really big knives - uh huh - that did something.

People like sex. This group of people was very open and free about their bodies, and about sex - theirs, other peoples', didn't matter. No surprise with this, just different from our everyday life.

It isn't necessarily about sex. The club had a "no real sex" rule - but even so - the play seemed very much to be the means and the end in itself. For us - being just us - the sensations, the pain, the control, the impact, the emotions and feelings - everything about us playing is about us connecting with each other, and sex is a huge part of it. It was clear that people there were in it for something else instead? in addition to?

There was a clear tradition and expectation of "playing with others." They were respectful of "no", but the default assumption seemed to be non-exclusion. Maybe this group was small enough and knew each other well enough to allow that ease. Maybe knowing someone isn't the point. Maybe it's tied to the fact that it was about the play - not necessarily the people involved. In any case, this probably contributed to the fact that we didn't play. It wasn't a peer pressure or unpleasant thing, just something we hadn't considered and isn't quite the way it works for us.

Other people do stuff. Yup - again - duh! But i am shy enough talking about specifics with my husband. There is no one i speak to face to face that i would ever discuss this kind of thing. People asked us specifics, what do we do, how long, when did we get involved, what do we like, do you think you would like this, or that? Like it was just normal everyday conversation. Which - it was. It was good to have the artificial veil of secrecy and mystique pushed aside. A reality check.

I have no idea if we would do this again. I'm really glad we went. We did learn a lot - and not in a boring, academic way. I was admittedly disappointed at the end of the evening that we didn't play - having a place, and privacy (from our kids or potential interruptions) and acceptance were very appealing.

He said, she said

2011-02-10T20:58:00.000-05:00

I told him i felt disconnected, adrift, kinda confused and a bit lost. Not that i worry about us long term, but just not at all right in the here and now. I explained sfp's yo yo analogy - that i feel like he winds me closer and tighter, then lets me drift further away, then, sometimes, at the last minute, he reverses and pulls me back up to him. And that sometimes i feel like he lets me go too far and that it takes a lot of 'stop and rewind the string' to be able to get going again.

The obvious implication of my using this analogy was that i want him to be responsible for the winding, the up and the down, the working of the whole system.

His response to me, when i told him i felt far away and adrift, was, "so, then- come back to me."

Lots for me to think about in those two simple views of things.

thoughts on the occasion of......going public

2011-02-06T09:34:00.001-05:00

I have so many half started posts - things i've been feverishly thinking about - deep, important, complicated things, like for example - why it would have been great to have had a sorting hat. But it's all a distraction technique. To anyone who asks how I'm feeling about the imminent play party excursion, I tell them i'm very busy pretending it isn't going to happen.

That is actually how i deal with big things that make me very nervous - job interviews, major presentations, my wedding, childbirth - I make sure i've prepared as much as possible, learn what i need to, see to the details well ahead of time, then pretend it isn't going to happen right up until the time that it does. The mental rehearsal thing doesn't make me feel more at ease - it ramps up the nervousness. And so it is with this.

But i'm taking a little time now to explain how i feel about this - partly because i'm not sure myself, and I think that making myself write it down will help me figure it out, and partly for my husband, so he will have a clue about my frame of mind then. So here are the things that swirl around in my mind if I let myself imagine...

I really am not a person who easily meets new groups of people. It is work for me to overcome my shyness.

We have no protocols, especially not for interacting in public. Yes, I can be and am respectful, and i know that no particular protocol is expected. If (when) i am very nervous i am likely to reach out for his hand, to want to be closer. Also - i have a bad habit of jumping into conversations and interrupting, moreso when i know the people well, but - watching my mouth will be another small thing to occupy some mental energy. Maybe we won't be doing too much talking...

As much as i really, really love reading about all things erotic- I wonder how i will feel about the visual or the whole reality. The few times i've watched porn, of any flavor, it left me cold and even a bit icky feeling. I'm not expecting to be aroused or titillated, that's not the point, but i don't want to feel icky about real people, they're people, not a video.

Mostly i worry about feeling very self conscious. I don't know what we will end up doing or not doing, but nothing has been taken off the table. Which leaves - i can't imagine wearing little to no clothing in front of other people, i can't imagine being able to keep my mind on him and what he's doing to me or wants me to do, i can't imagine being able to maintain focus on him.

I'm not sure how to explain this, but i'm not sure i will be able to be really 'there.' Sometimes my mind slips away from the present and steps back and just watches what's going on - the external and the internal action. Instead of being there having the experience, it detaches itself to watch and analyze. I know from experience that i miss out on a lot when this happens.

I want to do this though. In spite of all of my misgivings, I will do my best to be there and to be in the best frame of mind i can. Partly because doing this shifts things or expands the reality of things for us just a little beyond just us and just my computer screen. This is something he is asking me to do. He rarely asks me to do things that are difficult mentally or emotionally. So I want to because he wants me to.

greedy little bitch

2011-02-02T11:07:00.001-05:00

i get this way sometimes - it's not nice, i stuff it down and hide it away
it's more than just always wanting more, it goes beyond just never being satisfied
those are bad enough - i'm profoundly uncomfortable to accept them as mine

but this scares the piss out of me
this is the dark side of me i had never met before
had never imagined i could have
and now she won't stay away, at least not for long

Things are good, very good
easy, flowing, moving, loving
We've come to a place i at first hadn't imagined i wanted, then really did
and now we're here, at that "be careful what you wish for" place
and i really can't pretend i don't love it
because i do

I love being pushed, I love being used, I love being contained and controlled
and challenged and having my place set, and the tables turned
I love serving him
All things that still sound so foreign to my ears,
and it's me saying them?

and that's when i can't keep her down
when things are good, and easy
why can't easy be ok - why can't i be content
sit back, relax, enjoy - that's what people do
and shouldn't i want that for him too?

not me though - she comes out showing me more
leading my mind down dark paths
creating images and fantasies that go too far
things that truly ought to make me careful what i wish for
what kind of peson am i?

apparently i'm a greedy little bitch, and not a very smart one

he's teaching me

2011-01-30T14:48:00.000-05:00

Another entry in the category, "I never would have guessed..." My husband has decided he would like me to own (and wear - sometimes) a corset. Just saying those words sounds weird. I seriously never would have thought...

But he does, and so, after hours of research and websurfing, we decide on an off-the-shelf model to start. One has been purchased. (Actually two, because i was convinced the first one would not fit properly, and even off-the-shelf, they take a long time to be delivered, and i need it in time for the party I'm busy not thinking about - in two weeks.) Turns out, the second (above - except on me, not her) does fit much more nicely than the first - which is good, because the first looked quite awful and I'm having a little trouble with this whole area anyhow.

Part of my ambivalence right now is that this is something people wear to achieve an "ideal" look or form. I don't have that form, steel and laces or not. I look a far cry from the pictures in the online catalog. It is hard enough for me to accept myself as is, much less in something that is "trying" to make me look more ideal. That's my difficulty, from my female mind point of view.

I really don't understand the male POV on this one either though. For many of the things he does, I can imagine what the appeal is for him. With this, beyond the resultant body shape, i just can't relate or imagine it. And since I'm not feeling like i really offer that visual, that leaves a blank space in my understanding. Not that i need to understand why he wants what he wants, per se. But, really, to feel like i'm doing or presenting something he would value - I have to believe he likes and wants it. If I can't imagine why - then I have to learn it, or be shown. That would take time - time to play with it, time to see him enjoy it.

And that is exactly what happened. He played with it - more to the point - he played with it on me, with me in it. He appreciated it, had fun with it, was clearly affected (intensely aroused), and had that Cheshire cat grin that tells me so much. And this teaches me - it teaches me both that it is about the visual or the overall effect or the form he enjoys, not what i perceive or think he should enjoy. It is about his aesthetic, not mine. Also - it doesn't matter that i can't imagine why it works for him, it does, and that is something I want to offer him.

should I wonder?

2011-01-27T07:08:00.000-05:00

Do other people wonder what's inside his (or her) head?   Wonder what he's up to? Not to try to second guess, in the sense of criticize or tear down, but to just wonder?

I can't shut my brain off. I wonder. Why did he do that? What was going through his mind then? I wonder what he meant by that?   How does he feel about this? What should i read into what he said or did? What's the plan? Where is it all going?

These thoughts come into my head completely unbidden, before I even realize they are on the way, they've fully formed, and connected with other thoughts, and gone through three iterations of analysis.

Of course we talk, and of course he will answer my questions - except there are questions he won't answer. He will be open with me about how he feels about things, about me, about how he wants things to be. But there are definite areas he won't discuss with me. Naturally, I even try to analyze the meaning behind the patterns of what he will  or won't talk about.

That is one of the biggest differences now vs. before. The equality of what each of us is expected to share of our thoughts and feelings is no longer. He decides how much he is willing to talk about with me, and he decides how much i should be open about also.

So - do other people do this? Or am i out of control?  Is this not really submitting, or submissive?

I stink at metacognition - actually - that's not quite right - I can see very well what my brain is doing and where it's going, I even see a lot of the why. I do parse and analyse, it's a steady stream of consciousness going pretty much all the time. I am certain though that it isn't of the flavor, "You should have done this and not that." It isn't second guessing or critiquing. If his actions or words are unclear or somehow strike me wrong, then i am up front with him about that.  I ask for and he provides clarification.  My internal dialogue is not a running rant or nag, it doesn't have good/bad judgements to it.

But is it somehow disrespectful?  Or show a lack of submission or surrender, or something?   What i do stink at is making my mind do what i want it to do, training it to focus on certain things, and to stay clear of other areas. So I'm not sure I could stop the wondering in any case.

focus on the pain

2011-01-23T16:17:00.001-05:00

Reading about pain was as big a part of falling into this whole thing for me; it triggered something undeniable in me. We have been discovering a world of sensations and responses and uses for pain since we began.

My responses i think have changed over time - or my tolerance - or my focus maybe. Spanking at first felt awkward and a bit silly and odd and maybe humiliating, among many other things. But the rush of emotions and sensations and the thrill of it - all made it an overwhelming experience   I remained mentally focused right there - my mind couldn't wander.

Over time - as the my submission of our dynamic grew to include a lot of other areas of life - pain, and particularly spanking, or impact play - became less a really fun, erotic diversion and more an integral part of how we communicate and how we connect. It had less of the overwhelming newness - the first kiss butterflys as it were - but it came to have more flavors, more moods, more depth. It said more things. And sometimes it went surprising places - some amazing, some not so good, some just surprising.

He rarely pulls me over his knee - he also doesn't use his hand often.  The other night he did both - but in the gentlest, most sensuous way imaginable. Rubbing and caressing and spanking. But spanking with just the right touch - an impact and then a bloom of warmth and tingle - that's all, over and over. Add some roaming fingers to the mix and i was quickly over the top - a surprise to us both.

Later the same night the flavor changed.  I was face down and with my ankles and wrists secured to the corners of the bed, and I was assured i would be that way for some time. He progressed through various implements, but he started easy and manageable, moving around and building slowly.  I found myself not approaching the edge of panic as i sometimes do.  I was able to focus on my breathing and on experiencing each strike. I felt the initial sting of the crop or the heavy thud of the flogger. I felt the vibrations through my flesh, i felt the waves travel out from the center, i felt the warmth start and then spread, following the waves of vibrations. Then the tingling as the pain sunk in, then spread, then dissipated.

After awhile, the pain began to build on itself as he struck already red and tender areas again and again. I cried and sobbed and then did start to approach that edge of panic. Especially with the cane, it was very difficult to focus and not slip into panic. But each time I started to slip, he touched me, my arm, my leg, and he talked me through it. I don't remember the words, but mostly I think telling me to focus on the pain. It doesn't make sense now, but at the time it worked. Focusing on the feelings, the sensations of each blow, even as they became sharper and harder and much more intense, focusing on the pain let me handle the pain.

How did he know?

hypotheticals and limits

2011-01-19T07:53:00.002-05:00

There is one hard limit my husband has: our relationship is to be between just the two of us. He means the obvious - neither of us is to be physically intimate with someone else. Yup - ok - that is how our marriage is, I considered it an absolute given anyhow.

He also means that neither of us is to become emotionally involved with someone else in the way that he and I are. That one is a little trickier - but it means that there should not be elements of a D/s dynamic or power exchange with anyone else. I have little opportunity for that to happen in any case, but i can see that it would be harder to identify or monitor. Also there are aspects to a D/s dynamic that have nothing to do with sex, so - how would that fit in? I think that's actually an interesting topic and I know very little about it, but again, no real opportunity, so i'm not going looking for hypothetical trouble.

Someone asked me the other day how i felt about playing/scening with another couple. She was mentally exploring scenarios and asking where i would be interested in fitting in, and where i thought i really could. What i would be interested in ended up being quite a few different scenarios. She set the scene, so to speak, for some fantasizing in directions I hadn't thought about before, and, well, it worked for me.

As to what I really could do - what would my husband be comfortable with is one question and what do i really think i could do or try is a very different one. In talking about this with my husband, it became clear that the lines can blur a little and that made us think about what means what to us. There is a whole host of activities that aren't in and of themselves erotic or sexual - spanking, clothespins, ropes, candles, etc... But between him and me, these are all very erotic, very sexual, and very arousing. I think that, even with someone else, there would need to be already, or there would be created, some kind of intimate emotional connection around these activities. But that part, I don't know, I just don't have the experience.

And what could i really do? what are my real, actual limits - I just don't know. There are obviously people out there who know how to do things we don't, people who know how to use techniques my husband doesn't. We have the rest of our lives to learn, and I expect we will have fun trying. But there are some things he is likely never going to want to try. Just because some of those things play into my fantasies, could I really participate, submit to them in reality? Along the same lines, playing intimately with another person/people is not on the menu, but could I really even if it were?

I have decided that there are things that are very strong fantasies precisely because they are not going to become reality. The fact that they are purely hypothetical is what makes them safe to consider. If they became, even potentially, real - I'm not at all sure I would feel the same way about them. I suppose that's the part that makes fantasies just that.

....but, I thought...

2011-01-17T11:05:00.000-05:00

I thought i had a pretty fair idea of him, of who he is, what he would want, who he wants us to be, where we were going. This meant coming to terms with some disappointments about directions i had hoped to explore, but which seemed clear he didn't. Overall, his direction has been successful, and for me, the (continuous) act of following his direction has been good for me. So i figured we were where we were going, there might be small changes and some tweaks here and there, but i had learned what to expect and expected it to remain that way.

One thing about being able to predict something is that it gives you at least a small bit of control, more than you would have in an unpredictable situation. That's why people don't like change, right? If you don't know how someone will respond or what will happen in a given circumstance, you have no control over the situation. If you know "if i do X, this will happen..." that gives you some control, or maybe influence, or at least the illusion of control. I obviously still go round and round about the concept of control.

But apparently we weren't where we were going, or we are going to keep going, or something. Suddenly, he is doing things i never thought he would, saying things i hadn't expected to hear, wanting things i didn't think he was interested in...

The big things are, obviously, easier to see, have a certain shock value, and lots of reverberations. So - we are going to a public event: I have found an organization and they are sponsoring a party the weekend we will be there, and they have granted us permission to attend. [insert huge *oh, shit* here]. One of the less obvious implications if this is that this is the first time he has done something that is a mental more than a physical challenge to me - and this one is huge, not exactly humiliation, but something akin to that for me, and a completely new - what - new toy/tool for him.

I'm sure i will write more as i allow myself to even think about it - but he has made it clear that we are going not just to watch, and that mid-western business casual is not what i will be wearing. I know this sounds like a fun evening, or at least an interesting adventure, to many of you. I'm a wuss, so this absolutely screws with my mind.

The smaller, more subtle changes have an even bigger impact though. He is paying attention to things he never has before, using words i didn't expect to hear, pushing in small ways here and there. It feels more long term, it feels like a cinching down and tightening up, or a tack more into the wind. It is clear we are still moving and that i don't know the direction ahead of time. It is disconcerting and puts me off balance because it is change and it is less predictable, I have less control, or less illusion of it in any case. But it is also comforting, and exciting, and arousing because i have less control, and because it is being cinched down and tightened up, and because i have to follow.

i've been tasked

2011-01-13T08:20:00.001-05:00

The alternate title for this was, "never in a million years," because i would never have expected this to be a possibility.

I am going to a conference in a far away city next month and my husband is going to be able to join me for the weekend at the end of it, a nice and very unusual chance for us to do something fun, just the two of us. Last week he asked me to find "something related to BDSM" that we could do while there. I thought along the lines of rent a movie or maybe, maybe visit a toy store. He corrected me - see if it is possible to find a club or event.

It is absolutely impossible for me to express the degree to which that shocked me. My husband is not a "joiner." He is sociable and outgoing, and joins in for things that need him to contribute, like scouts, church, etc. But he doesn't join groups for his own areas of interest. He runs, and he studies about running on his own zealously, but has never been intrested in joining a local running club. He is also very private about personal matters, our relationship and certainly our sex life are kept very closely between just us. The idea of participating in a group on the basis of and about our relationship and sex life is still unfathomable to me.

So - why? The far away-ness of the city helps, no doubt. His answer/explanation is that he wants to learn more. I have introduced the ideas of ttwd to us, and i read and look around for ideas and further understanding. For a variety of reasons, it is much harder for him to immerse himself online or otherwise try to reaserch this kind of thing. I have talked to him in the past about the fact that it is sometimes hard for me to align the roles of submissive and "teacher" in this.

So - this completely unexpected, seemingly completely out of character step is something he is doing for me. He will tell me, once he reads this, that it is for us, and so it is. But it is something huge and, yes - to benefit both of us, the entity that is us. But also - something huge, because he loves me; and i can't really put into words yet how hard it is for me to have something like this done for me. I'm not good at having things done for me.

And I'm not even letting my brain go near the big box of anxieties and fears about actually doing such a thing. What if it does turn out to be a real possibility? I have to push down reluctance and shyness in meeting a room full of PTO moms, how am i possibly going to manage this? What about the fact that he and i have no sort of protocol at all and I have no idea whatsoever how to behave in this situation? What about dressing? Unless mid-western business casual counts as fetish wear, I'm SOL.....

I think I'm getting way too close to that box now.

blow jobs on demand

2011-01-11T07:07:00.001-05:00

A question someone else asked me promted me to ask him if he thought we would live this way the rest of our lives. I told him about my friend's question and that I had answered her that I expected our dynamic would evolve and change and maybe someday be unrecognizable to what it is today. I added that I hoped that whatever did happen - it was by mutual desire - not a unilateral shift.

He agreed, somewhat vaguely, but remarked that there was one thing he would never change - no matter what - blow jobs on demand.

Turns out that was both a sincere statement of his intentions, and a not so subtle hint for the immediate future.