cold water

The runners in my family both have foot injuries right now.  That means i get to insist on ice baths - 12 minutes, foot submerged in icewater...  (Did you know it feels colder if you stir it around?)

Because i'm me, i do this with gleeful abandon a glad heart , sadistic mirth a smile on my face, and lots of trash talk friendly teasing.

The frozen footed runners respond with a ridiculous amount of moaning, groaning, oh-woe-is-me'ing, and all around drama.

Except tonight one of them (i'll let you guess which one) reminded me, not without a good deal of growling, that there is a good chance we may be together, home, for a little bit of time, after the boys leave for school, tomorrow...and that that he might remember the whole icebath, foot-hurts-like-hell, unsympathetic-wife thing.

That thew a little cold water on my sadistic-mirth thing.

rainy morning

It's been raining here all night and into this morning, a hard steady rain.  Literally overnight, everything has gone from parched, brown, withered and distressed to lush, green and bright. I can feel a little piece of my being relax and take a very deep breath for the first time in months.  It has been an alarmingly dry summer here, just as it has across a huge portion of the country.

There is something about my soul that is tied to where i grew up - rolling hills, lush valleys, ancient moss covered rock, and rain, water, a moistness even through the hottest part of summer.  I experience an underlying uneasiness whenever i'm in an arid climate, and especially if the arid climate moves into my space.

This morning feels like a return to "as it should be," on a very subtle but very deep level, after a long time of "not quite right."

I had a discussion with someone online a short time after starting on this D/s road.  At the time I was wondering what had kept us from always being aligned this way.  There were so many things i can and others did, point to that were his dominance and my submission, that had been all along.  We just didn't recognize or even look for any kind of pattern; we were just whatever we were.  

This person and i were discussing specifically my husband feeling right about intervening//intruding in my life - in how i am, how i might improve, where i should work on things.  But also learning, discovering, and accomplishing a woman's (my) hidden desires.   And also - how a (woman) is open to or disallows such a thing.

Probably, i'm pretty certain, that had you asked me 5 yrs ago, 10 years ago, if we were open to each other, if we turned to each other for help, direction, if we truly devoted ourselves to each other - we both would have insisted we were and did.  But if you had asked me about specifics, or shown me how it feels to recognize my instincts in a situation, but then consciously choose his way, or made me see what it really means to factor his happiness first, or at least try to even if it takes a lot of effort...  I'm sure i would have said no thanks, not interested, that can't possibly be the right way for me.

And, And... there's no way i could have believed i had hidden desires: spanked, caned, pushed around, tied down, taunted, hurt, forced to my knees in the shower and peed on, in a word - dominated... that's the direction you think my desires lie?  No f&#*ing way.  Never.  No how.

And yet....

It is a piece of my being.  It is sometimes hard, often inconvenient.  At times i would, if allowed, choose to opt out for a bit and come back to it later (like a raincheck).  But it does seem to be the "as it should be."  

back on my heels

This is the right phrase - but it has nothing to do with shoes. (Things rarely do for me - i missed many of the essential girl genes.)

I mean that, at a time when i should feel on my toes, i feel caught out flat footed or back on my heels.

Part of  this is my professional life.  I had a fleeting moment where i felt like i might be juggling everything pretty well, only to look again and realize that what I was achieving wasn't really very impressive and - well - that's work and not the part of my life i bring here really.


I sometimes feel it isn't my place or is somehow wrong to try to figure out my husband.  There is the sense that watching him or trying to understand what he does or how he acts or what he means by what he says is the same as questioning him, that it is too unsubmissive.

Realistically - of course i watch him.  I listen.  I gauge his moods and try to accommodate, follow suit, maybe even anticipate.

And really - he's about as wildly fluctuating as a mountain range.  There is depth and breadth,  new scenery unfolds.  But he doesn't change suddenly. I have a fair idea of how he will view my behaviors and of his likely responses, as well as a fair idea of what he will like and find pleasing.  I typically know what to expect.

So - with all that rock solid, unmovableness - even small changes are huge and really shocking to the system.  And that's what has me back on my heels.

He's been different recently.

I had gotten quite used to having a decent amount of control.  We've been, for a good while now, riding along smoothly with a really nice connection and a warm glow between us (yes - insert a big *aaawww* here.)  It had been very nice - and very easy for me.

And now - it's not hard, but day to day is somehow different.  He has, in a lot of small ways, upped the game, tightened expectations, pushed here and there.  There are some hard edges where there had been all warm fuzzies. I know - poor me.  

There is a sharper edge to his ownership of my body too.  There is a level of need and intensity, an un-masked glee in my pain, the pain pushes to places i am not so easily sure i can go, he is a more distant persona with me in this than previously.

And none of this is poor me - but it is change.  And it's hard to catch up from back on my heels.

funny quirk

I have a funny quirk (well, one of many really)....

When things are going well - i get quiet. I mean going well in my relationship with my husband, in my feeling connected, controlled, contained and taken-on-adventures.  When all that is going well, i get quiet here in my blog, maybe blogland in general.  I have a feeling of having nothing to say.  Words just won't come to me.

I'm a bit the opposite in real life - when i am sad, or worried, distracted or distressed, i very much draw into myself and communicate far less than typical.   When i am at ease, content, fairly happy overall, i am more open and demonstrative.

Until i started blogging, i was never one to poke and prod at my feelings; i never really examined them very much - i would see them, sort them, file them away and move on.  TTWD was so different from anything else, and for me it required that i understand what i was doing and feeling.  The writing out of blogging helped with figuring out what I was feeling, make sense of my responses, see how to accept the huge and often frightening emotions. It helped me process.

Somehow though i am reluctant to process the good feelings.  Somehow the good feelings are not as huge, or at least not as looming. The sense of calm and joy and security is deep and pervasive and very welcome, and i feel not at all compelled to dissect it or even to try to describe it.

On a certain level this is probably just alright.  Why mess with a good thing?  Accept it and be grateful...  I do and i am. Also -  there is certainly an element of feeling like i shouldn't try to peek at the man behind the curtain.  It's good so it's not my place to question it, to question him.

On the other hand, if it is useful to examine the negative in order to learn how to avoid it, maybe it could be useful to examine the positive to learn how to maintain it.  And why would it be any more or less acceptable for me to try to figure out the good than the bad.  If it's truly my role to accept without question, that should be across the board.  I don't think either of us believes that is my role.

So - things have been good lately - very good.  Our connection feels tight, his ownership of me feels stable and solid and consistent.  He is pushing on a number of fronts, some of them surprising to me, things i didn't think were at all important to him, or even noticed.  He is expecting things and doing things that close in the boundaries for me, that drive home his position and keep me more in a submissive state of mind.

He is expanding - i'm not sure how to convey what i mean really.  He is expanding his dominance - it is coming into focus and strengthening, and i get the impression he feels very right with it, that it feels right and good to him.  And that makes all the difference in the world to me.

Dancing

(I wrote this while i was away)

Here where we are working we had some free time waiting out a storm. The storm moved a different direction finally and missed us, but we were all gathered in one place, lots of mostly really young folks, several different cultures. There was beer, and rum and music. So there was dancing...

I can't dance.  I have no rhythm. I can't move that way.  I look utterly foolish. I feel utterly foolish. 

I love watching people who can dance though. Any type of dancing, from stiff and formal, choreographed and rehearsed, to spontaneous and free form, displays of pure strength and power to the most appealing of subtle movements.  This last night was not subtle, but it was certainly not stiff, formal, or rehearsed.  

Dancing is about sex, of course: sex, and sexuality, and seduction, and the tease, and the pursuit - not the capture or the capitulation, but all the fun leading up to it - all played out in so many variations, so many flavors. 

As i watched, it had me thinking about my flavor.  So clearly not vanilla, but also not what this dancing was. 

This was easy, care free, open, and fun... It was ~ I'm here, I could be interested,  wanna see where the night takes us? ~   Lots of back and forth, lots of suggestion, not much commitment, and no hurt feelings.   This was erotic, and intriguing to watch.  

It was the negotiation.  And that's why it wasn't my flavor.  Not just because i am so very not in the market, but negotiating doesn't do it for me.  Part of the mis-fit is the need to attract interest, and the possibility that i won't be found interesting enough.  But there is also the implication that i get to choose you, I might say yes or i might say no... at any point along the way.   

Not that i can, but if i could dance, i think my flavor would be a formal waltz:  he approaches, offers his hand, she may accept or decline... if she accepts though, the understanding is that she will follow his lead, go where he goes, no further discussion, no negotiation.

practicing "what he wants"

One of the things my husband used to help maintain our connection while i was away was tasks i had to perform and then report to him i had completed.  Nothing earth-shattering there of course, pretty common tactic i'm sure.

One task, it turned out, was one of the very few things he has asked of me in three years that I just plain didn't want to do, on any level.  Jake has a very interesting discussion about doing what he wants really being what she wants or really being what she doesn't want which isnt what he wants...  It sounds silly when i say it (keep reading, this is not the silliest sounding part of this post) but Jake explains it well and it was a thing we had to learn too, are still learning: things don't work for me if i think he does them because it's what i want or with any consideration of my preferences, i have to believe he's asking or choosing because it's what he wants.

Other things he asks of me I find pleasurable (cock worship), or useful (any and all housework, etc), or know I need to do even if I would choose not to on my own (exercise), or I see the enjoyment for him if not especially for myself (every once in a while i would rather sleep), or at the very least I feel the imposition of his control through them and know it serves his wishes (pictures requested out of the blue).  There is the irony or the mind game of the reality that even difficult, painful, or humiliating tasks may be something a submissive says she doesn't want, but that ends up being precisely why she does want them.  This didn't hit any of these levels for me, at all, maybe it should have, probably it was intended to hit several, but it didn't.

For this, i had to focus on, "It's what he wants."

I'm a bit embarresed to tell you that the task was -  to cum three times in one day.

I know, I know, wtf?  Sounds lovely? What's the problem?  How is that even a "task?"

I do envy those of you who cum so effortlessly, who have to work not to, but the fact is, i just don't come that easily, or often, and I didn't have any toys with me, and my period started the day before, and I really just don't play by myself very often anymore, and, and, and...

Anyhow, he had said to do this thing, "and no excuses.".  And I didn't give him any...

My first thought when i read his instructions though, which i did put in my email response, was that he sent his order to the wrong girl, he must have intended it for his other girl who actually can come three times in one day.

I really don't play by myself anymore.  Never when he is in town, unless it's a command performance for him, and rarely when he is out of town.  If i do want to play when he is away, there is a ritual to the asking, and while i usually get permission, sometimes i don't.  This all puts it squarely in the category of "things i shouldn't want but do because they are a bit humiliating and a lot controlling," which of course makes it that much more desired.

Telling me i have to cum, and three times over a day, didn't have any of that intimate, connected, deliciously uncomfortable flavor to it - it was just a thing i didn't really want to do that i had to do.

And I did it.  I had no faith I would actually be able to, and I had to work at it more than one should have to, and there wasn't real enjoyment in it.  I had to force myself to do it. It would have been quite simple to skip it altogether, or give a half-hearted effort then given up.  It would have been easy (logistically) to lie to him. Not easy, maybe not possible, in reality, that hasn't been part of us, ever really.  But there was nothing but his trust and my integrity holding me to it.

And it was a brilliant task on his part.  I'm pretty sure he knew i wouldn't want to do this thing.  I think he knew i would do it anyhow.  And i'm sure he knew that this task in particular demands i practice keeping in mind that it's what he wants, whether i want it or not.  Unlike any other task, mindset is crucial to this one happening or not.  I could clean floors or polish his shoes successfully with all sorts of complaints and bitching in my head. I  could try all day with no success at this task if my head weren't in the right place.  To get over the hump, i had nothing else to call on and i had to keep in the front of my mind that he told me to do this and it's what he wants.

Coming home

I'm coming home today. 

 It has been a rewarding and also very difficult trip. 

And there is one doozy of a transition coming up.  Transitions are a bitch (or I'm a bitch about transitioning - depending on your perspective I suppose.)

I have been in charge of and responsible for the group and for the work. There have been an awful lot of challenges. I've been very much "on" the entire time: leading, making the decisions, managing, mentoring... 

But i'm very far away and I've had very limited contact with my husband, some IM chats and some emails. I am thankful to have been able to have that contact. But the juxtaposition of what I am and what I am doing here with my place with him has been stark and tough to keep sorted out properly in my head. 

He wants this for me, and that makes it possible. He wants me to push myself, to expand, to be very good at what i do. He wants me to be that woman.  It helps with reconciling it all in my head to remember that.   

The longer I have been away, and the more demanding the job here, the more intensely I crave his control.   He has provided some of that from afar, and I am very grateful for that.   But I am longing for him, I long to be offering myself to him, I long to have him claim me back. 

I need to have both of these roles in my life.  I am both of these people.  Both of these women are His.  But right now, i am looking so forward to shifting back to the one that is kneeling for him.