Or at least sorta, kind of, getting there....
He doesn't require that i respond some particular way to his torture. He doesn't expect me to be perfectly quiet or still and I don't have to thank him or repeat a particular mantra when he's tormenting me or demanding i do things i don't especially want to do. He expects me to respond appropriately to whatever he does, whenever he does it.
Sounds simple, right?
Guess who gets to decide what 'appropriately' is?
So, for instance, when he grabs me out of the blue and bites my neck, slaps my ass, or especially pinches and twists my nipple, he expects a measured response that matches what he thinks the pain level was. If i miss? He tries again and again and again until i get it right, every time....."Let's try this again. Does this hurt? What about this? I can make it really hurt you know?"
Sometimes the element of surprise makes me a little jumpy - that doesn't factor into his weighting system though. The humiliation of being chastised, the waiting and holding still, not knowing if the next twist and pull is going to be gentle or fucking hurt.... He enjoys this game. I work really hard to hit his mark and have it be over with as quickly as possible.
When he's hitting me with whatever he's hitting me with, he still expects a measured response - his measure, not mine. It's harder than it sounds. My tolerance can be all over the place - but i think he accounts for that. And I'm getting better at letting go of the fear and focusing on just the actual sensations - the experience, not my expectations.
But i still sometimes find myself, in the moment, wondering if i should be responding a certain way or another. I'm not tempted to play it up in order to get him to ease off (I'm not sure how he gauges my tolerance on any given day - but i imagine it has something to do with my responses). Most often I really want to be right where i am, even with the evil new cane - i need it, he needs it, i'm not going to be trying to get out of it. Even if i am genuinely anxious about how difficult it is going to be - i don't fake anything. If i beg for it to stop, I mean it sincerely - funny how that works, i know it won't stop him - so why beg? Question for another day.....
But when he has more time and is looking for more intensity, there comes a point that i find myself being able to wrap my head around things, i can breathe into it and manage it. He orchestrates this of course - if he doesn't want me to manage, he changes the tempo and the intensity and i can't keep up.
But when he lets me, and i start to reach the breathing/floating point - i always wonder - does he want me to relax? Does he want me to be able to float? Wouldn't he rather i be squirming and struggling? Isn't that what gets him off? What is it about hitting me that he really likes? If i'm all quiet and floaty and blissed out, what's in it for him? He can keep hitting me, but where's the excitement for him? He still has to remind me to let go, to breathe, to float off.
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Friday, February 5, 2016
authentic self
Since my husband is far, far away and has been and will be mostly for some time to come, and i'm not really writing about sexy fun, even if there were some, and even control and that wonderful power flow aren't really in abundance - things are mostly on me and mostly about me at the moment. He will read - and that is the point in the end.
So many pieces pushed to the front of my brain recently and demanded to be considered all together. Oh well....
I worked through an activity with my students on the tension between the importance of the image they project/how they are perceived, and being true to their athentic selves.
That tension slays me.
But mostly i was thinking about my authentic self.
We went to a music competition thing at my kids' school. A lot of really bright, really talented kids. What i noticed - when the judges questioned the boys - the boys stammered a bit and were certainly not over confident, but they looked at the judges and answered. The girls looked at the floor, giggled, looked away, and never really did answer, never engaged in the conversation the judge was trying to have with them.
In class i notice, the women (who are by no means less bright or capable than the men) step back and look away when faced with opportunities to stand out, try something new, challenge themselves. The men not so much. They often stumble or have to try few times, but they step up and accept the challenge.
That got me thinking about educating girls vs. boys (I know - I'm hardly the only one - and yes - i have two boys - and even if i didn't - i'm not interested at all in limiting their opportunities, I don't want to level the field by lowering it, but by raising the girl side of things).
It made me think about my education - in a very small, rural, and very backwards area - a long, long time ago. I was insanely curious and a tomboy and i loved science. And by 3rd grade my teachers were taking me aside to ask me to not ask questions any more, to not "do so well at things so the other kids have a chance," to sit more quietly and to focus on more girl subjects. They also stopped allowing me (and a few other girls) to play sports at recess - girls had to sit and talk or play jumprope or jacks (yes - i'm old). This got repeated over and over for the next few years - by about 7th grade i was completely compliant - i didn't ask questions, i didn't answer questions in class, i withdrew completely, i intentionally dumbed down.
I'm sure i had been an obnoxious child to be around - always asking questions, wanting to challenge ideas, pushing.... I know - because i have one of those children - it's exhausting and he has had to learn to manage himself somewhat so as not to drive people away with his intensity. Peoples' perceptions do matter if you want to continue to be around them - even more so if you want to be friends, work with them, etc. There's a balance point in there. I didn't have a chance to figure that out, i just shut down.
Even now, still, i am learning to find and be my authentic self - curious, geeky, a little too intense sometimes, different in a lot of ways... and to modulate that appropriately for the context.
This includes D/s too - the tension: the being submissive but also intense and challenging, modulating without withdrawing and shutting down, being vulnerable without going back to my 7th grade self.
What's brilliant though - what's brilliant about my husband - is that he knows all of me. He knows the real me. The geeky, the weird, the intense, the insecure and the still learning... And somehow he embraces all of it and manages to let me keep all of it while still being his, still submitting all those contrary parts to him.
So many pieces pushed to the front of my brain recently and demanded to be considered all together. Oh well....
I worked through an activity with my students on the tension between the importance of the image they project/how they are perceived, and being true to their athentic selves.
That tension slays me.
But mostly i was thinking about my authentic self.
We went to a music competition thing at my kids' school. A lot of really bright, really talented kids. What i noticed - when the judges questioned the boys - the boys stammered a bit and were certainly not over confident, but they looked at the judges and answered. The girls looked at the floor, giggled, looked away, and never really did answer, never engaged in the conversation the judge was trying to have with them.
In class i notice, the women (who are by no means less bright or capable than the men) step back and look away when faced with opportunities to stand out, try something new, challenge themselves. The men not so much. They often stumble or have to try few times, but they step up and accept the challenge.
That got me thinking about educating girls vs. boys (I know - I'm hardly the only one - and yes - i have two boys - and even if i didn't - i'm not interested at all in limiting their opportunities, I don't want to level the field by lowering it, but by raising the girl side of things).
It made me think about my education - in a very small, rural, and very backwards area - a long, long time ago. I was insanely curious and a tomboy and i loved science. And by 3rd grade my teachers were taking me aside to ask me to not ask questions any more, to not "do so well at things so the other kids have a chance," to sit more quietly and to focus on more girl subjects. They also stopped allowing me (and a few other girls) to play sports at recess - girls had to sit and talk or play jumprope or jacks (yes - i'm old). This got repeated over and over for the next few years - by about 7th grade i was completely compliant - i didn't ask questions, i didn't answer questions in class, i withdrew completely, i intentionally dumbed down.
I'm sure i had been an obnoxious child to be around - always asking questions, wanting to challenge ideas, pushing.... I know - because i have one of those children - it's exhausting and he has had to learn to manage himself somewhat so as not to drive people away with his intensity. Peoples' perceptions do matter if you want to continue to be around them - even more so if you want to be friends, work with them, etc. There's a balance point in there. I didn't have a chance to figure that out, i just shut down.
Even now, still, i am learning to find and be my authentic self - curious, geeky, a little too intense sometimes, different in a lot of ways... and to modulate that appropriately for the context.
This includes D/s too - the tension: the being submissive but also intense and challenging, modulating without withdrawing and shutting down, being vulnerable without going back to my 7th grade self.
What's brilliant though - what's brilliant about my husband - is that he knows all of me. He knows the real me. The geeky, the weird, the intense, the insecure and the still learning... And somehow he embraces all of it and manages to let me keep all of it while still being his, still submitting all those contrary parts to him.
Saturday, January 30, 2016
7 year itch
I was chatting with a friend recently. He is about to move, change jobs, his wife is changing jobs, his oldest is going off to college, and his youngest is decamping with the family to a whole different part of the country. I commented that I've been at the same thing for almost 7 years now, and that is the longest I've ever really stayed moving one direction; that it feels like time to shake things up, or learn to move forward in the same direction, something, it occurred to me, i've never done before.
Six years of college, then move and start a career. A few years of working, dating, having fun, then get married, then move, new job. Then move again, have kids, re-create my job to fit. A few more years, totally switch directions careerwise. A few more years, we all move, new job for me, new place, new directions for the kids. Now they are finishing high school and looking at college - big changes for them, and for me and for us.
But I've been at the same job for 6 years now. I love my job. I have loved what i do all along - the changes were expansions, leaps forward, adventures with the possibilities, not starting over at something else. I know work isn't a whole life - but it is a part. In my case it has many frustrations, and I would love to sleep in many mornings, but it adds value, it challenges me, it stimulates me, it fulfills important parts of me. I want to keep doing this job, but i'm not really experienced at moving forward so long at something without changing directions. I'm not sure how to keep myself dedicated to this, re-committed and engaged. I'm worried I will coast and get stale.
Our marriage - it didn't follow a good pattern. For a long time it didn't expand, leap forward, or hold adventures. It got weary and tired and tangled. The changes we made were a huge adventure, a giant leap, and an enormous expansion. But it's been almost 7 years now. It's stable, and it's good. I like, no - i am so grateful - that i am much less mired in angst and doubt. But I wonder if I will coast, not be fully engaged without new challenges and directions. I absolutely don't want to go back to weary and tired and dull. I do really need to figure out how to move forward without changing directions, to remain committed and engaged and in wonder of it all.
My husband has supported every step i've taken. He has moved along with me, along with us. Some of the moves have been on his behalf, but not all. He has remained at the same job the entire time. He is absolutely excellent at remaining engaged and challenged. He sets goals and moves forward constantly and consistently. Shaking up our relationship when we did was a big change. The fact that he was on board was partly a testament to how desperately bad things were. He has moved forward with this with his characteristic focus and constancy.
Rather than think about my needs and my patterns, and how i have always operated, what I probably should say - what i probably should think - is that I will follow his lead and trust him to have the right answers, that i will learn to do things his way. What will happen though will be a nod to both our personalities. He will pay attention to us and keep us moving safely forward. I will find adventures for us. I don't plan out or go looking for all the changes, i stumble over them and decide to pick them up and see where they lead. And he will fold it all into our lives and make it work for both of us.
Six years of college, then move and start a career. A few years of working, dating, having fun, then get married, then move, new job. Then move again, have kids, re-create my job to fit. A few more years, totally switch directions careerwise. A few more years, we all move, new job for me, new place, new directions for the kids. Now they are finishing high school and looking at college - big changes for them, and for me and for us.
But I've been at the same job for 6 years now. I love my job. I have loved what i do all along - the changes were expansions, leaps forward, adventures with the possibilities, not starting over at something else. I know work isn't a whole life - but it is a part. In my case it has many frustrations, and I would love to sleep in many mornings, but it adds value, it challenges me, it stimulates me, it fulfills important parts of me. I want to keep doing this job, but i'm not really experienced at moving forward so long at something without changing directions. I'm not sure how to keep myself dedicated to this, re-committed and engaged. I'm worried I will coast and get stale.
Our marriage - it didn't follow a good pattern. For a long time it didn't expand, leap forward, or hold adventures. It got weary and tired and tangled. The changes we made were a huge adventure, a giant leap, and an enormous expansion. But it's been almost 7 years now. It's stable, and it's good. I like, no - i am so grateful - that i am much less mired in angst and doubt. But I wonder if I will coast, not be fully engaged without new challenges and directions. I absolutely don't want to go back to weary and tired and dull. I do really need to figure out how to move forward without changing directions, to remain committed and engaged and in wonder of it all.
My husband has supported every step i've taken. He has moved along with me, along with us. Some of the moves have been on his behalf, but not all. He has remained at the same job the entire time. He is absolutely excellent at remaining engaged and challenged. He sets goals and moves forward constantly and consistently. Shaking up our relationship when we did was a big change. The fact that he was on board was partly a testament to how desperately bad things were. He has moved forward with this with his characteristic focus and constancy.
Rather than think about my needs and my patterns, and how i have always operated, what I probably should say - what i probably should think - is that I will follow his lead and trust him to have the right answers, that i will learn to do things his way. What will happen though will be a nod to both our personalities. He will pay attention to us and keep us moving safely forward. I will find adventures for us. I don't plan out or go looking for all the changes, i stumble over them and decide to pick them up and see where they lead. And he will fold it all into our lives and make it work for both of us.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
why i like being spanked: an assigned topic
He rarely asks me to write about anything specific - this he told me to do....
So many people have written their answers to this. And thank goodness too - I was not one of those people for whom being spanked played a center-stage if somewhat personally confliciting role in their imaginations for as long as they can remember. I never imagined being spanked; as a child, when the reality was looming, it was nothing at all to be wanting. But, as an adult, much later, reading what other people do write struck my imagination.
What others write so eloquently does answer a lot of why I like being spanked. Maybe that's power of suggestion, maybe operant conditioning, maybe just a common human wiring configuration. But yes - to a lot of the common themes: it makes me wet and turns me on, it focuses my attention, it can clear my mind, it makes me submissive, it reminds me who's in control, it puts me in my place, it centers me and calms me, it debases me, on some incomprehensible level i like the pain and on a completely transparent level i like the attention. All of these are true, some to different degrees in different contexts and with different types of spanking. He knows all of these and uses them all to his advantage, which is to my advantage, which is to our advantage.
Most of those are effects though - not why's. Why do I like being wet and aroused? Why do i like my attention focused on him and my mind cleared? Why do I want to be made submissive, or to be debased, or to be calmed and centered. Why do I like pain or for that matter, his attention?
Well - some seem self evident - wet and aroused are good - especially if he's going to take advantage of them/me. And if not - well - he likes me that way and i like being able to be that for him and i like that he likes it and anticipation is fun too - for me and also to see him in anticipation of what he wants - it's all good.
Being spanked does focus my attention - but not always completely, and it can sometimes really clear my mind - but also not always. Some spankings are just not intense enough for these and, unfortunately, the intensity necesssary does seem to be increasing as we go through time. That worries me because i think he finds that tool and that purpose useful. I like when my mind can clear because it is a relief, even if a temporary one. And it allows me to focus on him and to be what he wants without my own voices and self consciousness interfering.
This comes close to why/how it makes me submissive. Sometimes consciously and sometimes very unintentionally and unconsciously, i fight him. Spanking me to the point that my mind clears leads to me surrendering and opening to him - physically, metaphorically, metaphysically - take your pick. The debasement and humiliation are part of this. And that he causes me pain - real pain. It all puts me in my place and him in his. Ultimately I want him - I want his control, i want to be in that place of surrender to him. [Why i want that and why i want him that way - I really don't understand, nor the thing with the pain...]
All of this though focuses our interactions and brings us together - too much in life distracts and pulls us apart and has us off in our own heads and our own worlds. This focuses us on each other - in a way that for god only knows what reason - agrees with both of us. There are millions of ways people interact and come together. Him spanking me - in all its contexts and flavors, brings me so much closer to him - which is what he wants - which is what i want too.
So many people have written their answers to this. And thank goodness too - I was not one of those people for whom being spanked played a center-stage if somewhat personally confliciting role in their imaginations for as long as they can remember. I never imagined being spanked; as a child, when the reality was looming, it was nothing at all to be wanting. But, as an adult, much later, reading what other people do write struck my imagination.
What others write so eloquently does answer a lot of why I like being spanked. Maybe that's power of suggestion, maybe operant conditioning, maybe just a common human wiring configuration. But yes - to a lot of the common themes: it makes me wet and turns me on, it focuses my attention, it can clear my mind, it makes me submissive, it reminds me who's in control, it puts me in my place, it centers me and calms me, it debases me, on some incomprehensible level i like the pain and on a completely transparent level i like the attention. All of these are true, some to different degrees in different contexts and with different types of spanking. He knows all of these and uses them all to his advantage, which is to my advantage, which is to our advantage.
Most of those are effects though - not why's. Why do I like being wet and aroused? Why do i like my attention focused on him and my mind cleared? Why do I want to be made submissive, or to be debased, or to be calmed and centered. Why do I like pain or for that matter, his attention?
Well - some seem self evident - wet and aroused are good - especially if he's going to take advantage of them/me. And if not - well - he likes me that way and i like being able to be that for him and i like that he likes it and anticipation is fun too - for me and also to see him in anticipation of what he wants - it's all good.
Being spanked does focus my attention - but not always completely, and it can sometimes really clear my mind - but also not always. Some spankings are just not intense enough for these and, unfortunately, the intensity necesssary does seem to be increasing as we go through time. That worries me because i think he finds that tool and that purpose useful. I like when my mind can clear because it is a relief, even if a temporary one. And it allows me to focus on him and to be what he wants without my own voices and self consciousness interfering.
This comes close to why/how it makes me submissive. Sometimes consciously and sometimes very unintentionally and unconsciously, i fight him. Spanking me to the point that my mind clears leads to me surrendering and opening to him - physically, metaphorically, metaphysically - take your pick. The debasement and humiliation are part of this. And that he causes me pain - real pain. It all puts me in my place and him in his. Ultimately I want him - I want his control, i want to be in that place of surrender to him. [Why i want that and why i want him that way - I really don't understand, nor the thing with the pain...]
All of this though focuses our interactions and brings us together - too much in life distracts and pulls us apart and has us off in our own heads and our own worlds. This focuses us on each other - in a way that for god only knows what reason - agrees with both of us. There are millions of ways people interact and come together. Him spanking me - in all its contexts and flavors, brings me so much closer to him - which is what he wants - which is what i want too.
Monday, January 4, 2016
evil presents, subdrop, evolution, and growing up
His rattan canes are fairly thin and very stingy - all well and good - he really likes them. He likes the lines and welts and hot, red patches. I tend to like thuddy (i thought) - so i figured that some heavier canes would be a mututally enjoyable christmas present from me to him. I was so wrong! I got him two thicker delrin canes. He has only tried the one so far - it takes the caning thing straight to 'i really, really, sincerely don't think i can do this'/panic even when he's going easy. I don't bruise easily - except now i do.
I've had subdrop before - never extreme and never particularly longlasting. The other day - kids gone overnight - we went out after some intense time with a long rope, the aforementioned evil cane, a huge plug, and I'm sure other things i'm forgetting. I should have thought to eat a little something. I just couldn't focus, i couldn't follow his conversation, and at dinner i broke down cryng out of the blue. I was mostly non-functional for 24 hours and i just couldn't snap out of it. If i were him, this might make me think twice about playing again. I hope it doesn't deter him and i hope it's a very rare occurence.
I commented to an online friend the other day that i just wasn't around so much anymore. He agreed and said he thought it seemed like an evolution of sorts. He's probably right. I'm just not sure if it's a good evolution or not so much so. I (clearly) overthink everything, but more and more I find myself not really able to think about this aspect of me and of our life very deeply. When i try, my brain just shys away or shuts down. I've been through all the cycles: angst, fear, contentment, joy.... This one is new. Maybe it's time to move on to just doing, less thinking. Maybe it's a holding pattern. Maybe it's a surrender. Maybe not. If I could just focus on it long enough maybe i could figure it out....
What i feel like is that we have grown up: like we've outgrown the wonder and the joy and the carefree and are left with the responsibility and the dull and the day-to-day. It's an impression. We were of course responsible all along. We didn't abandon our family, our jobs, our outside lives. We added this new, colorful, joyful thing and it added to the joyful, colorful side of real life. It's been over seven years, seven year itch maybe - or just maturing and transitioning? Maybe, truly, thinking about it isn't the best course for me.
I've had subdrop before - never extreme and never particularly longlasting. The other day - kids gone overnight - we went out after some intense time with a long rope, the aforementioned evil cane, a huge plug, and I'm sure other things i'm forgetting. I should have thought to eat a little something. I just couldn't focus, i couldn't follow his conversation, and at dinner i broke down cryng out of the blue. I was mostly non-functional for 24 hours and i just couldn't snap out of it. If i were him, this might make me think twice about playing again. I hope it doesn't deter him and i hope it's a very rare occurence.
I commented to an online friend the other day that i just wasn't around so much anymore. He agreed and said he thought it seemed like an evolution of sorts. He's probably right. I'm just not sure if it's a good evolution or not so much so. I (clearly) overthink everything, but more and more I find myself not really able to think about this aspect of me and of our life very deeply. When i try, my brain just shys away or shuts down. I've been through all the cycles: angst, fear, contentment, joy.... This one is new. Maybe it's time to move on to just doing, less thinking. Maybe it's a holding pattern. Maybe it's a surrender. Maybe not. If I could just focus on it long enough maybe i could figure it out....
What i feel like is that we have grown up: like we've outgrown the wonder and the joy and the carefree and are left with the responsibility and the dull and the day-to-day. It's an impression. We were of course responsible all along. We didn't abandon our family, our jobs, our outside lives. We added this new, colorful, joyful thing and it added to the joyful, colorful side of real life. It's been over seven years, seven year itch maybe - or just maturing and transitioning? Maybe, truly, thinking about it isn't the best course for me.
Thursday, December 10, 2015
his way/our way
We are what you would call extremely low protocol. The rules and preferences he does have are now so long in place and so ingrained that they don't seem like anything more than just how we do things. There are huge, vast expanses of areas of interaction that we have just never talked about how he wants it and he hasn't expressed an opinion. Sometimes i fill in the blanks myself - otherwise known as making assumptions - about how he might or maybe should want things.
He has no rule, for example, about my touching him uninvited. [Except his nipples - i may almost never touch those, i don't get it either] Often he makes it clear that i need to keep my hands, mouth, etc to myself - but that is always situational. Likewise, there is no rule about my not asking for sex, or hinting, or anything like that. But - i do assume that if he wants it, he will take it, and that i shouldn't ask or initiate or hint or whatever because that is just not done, or is like me taking charge, or it would somehow force him to have sex against his will.... Plus - it just doesn't fit the image - the hard ass Dom keeping the sub at a distance, keeping me in my place.....
The other night he got home from a long trip, dead dog tired, spent a bit of time with the boys, then collapsed into bed. I got home very late from a very long and overstimulating work day. He was wiped out and i was hyped up. I had been oh so very needy for days. It felt soooo good to melt into him, to just be with him, but it wasn't making me less needy. I assumed though that he would want to sleep, just sleep. I assumed a lot of things actually - that i shouldn't ask, that i should try to guess what he wants, that i should follow his lead, that it wasn't my place.....
But i took a risk. I took his hand and guided his fingers. I was swollen and dripping. He likes wet - that's something i never knew before: he really likes the feel, the sloppy sounds, smearing all over, (i think) the fact that he can humiliate me in that small way. He says juicy - for some reason that term does feel humiliating, dirty and wrong. But he says it with something like glee, part evil and part joyful abandon. It's all very un-Domly - he tells me how much he loves it, how good my cunt feels, how much he loves fucking me - sooo not aloof or cold or distant, not putting me in a lower place, not dignified or reserved, not sadistic or mean. But i so love seeing him enjoy himself so well - i love that i can do that for him.
Wet won out over tired. It's fuzzy - but i remember grasping his balls - the where that he would let me touch him this time, cumming so hard, him breathing good girl into my ear through what seemed like a never ending orgasm. Then him taking. That's another thing that i've learned, that seems un-Domly, that i assumed all wrong; he loves fucking me just after I've cum. I don't know what it is - but he likes the feel, he likes my response, he likes the look on my face. It means he makes me cum, before him quite often. The opposite of orgasm denial and seemingly the opposite of it being all about him and me of no consequence.
Good things happen when i do it his way - when i don't make assumptions.
He has no rule, for example, about my touching him uninvited. [Except his nipples - i may almost never touch those, i don't get it either] Often he makes it clear that i need to keep my hands, mouth, etc to myself - but that is always situational. Likewise, there is no rule about my not asking for sex, or hinting, or anything like that. But - i do assume that if he wants it, he will take it, and that i shouldn't ask or initiate or hint or whatever because that is just not done, or is like me taking charge, or it would somehow force him to have sex against his will.... Plus - it just doesn't fit the image - the hard ass Dom keeping the sub at a distance, keeping me in my place.....
The other night he got home from a long trip, dead dog tired, spent a bit of time with the boys, then collapsed into bed. I got home very late from a very long and overstimulating work day. He was wiped out and i was hyped up. I had been oh so very needy for days. It felt soooo good to melt into him, to just be with him, but it wasn't making me less needy. I assumed though that he would want to sleep, just sleep. I assumed a lot of things actually - that i shouldn't ask, that i should try to guess what he wants, that i should follow his lead, that it wasn't my place.....
But i took a risk. I took his hand and guided his fingers. I was swollen and dripping. He likes wet - that's something i never knew before: he really likes the feel, the sloppy sounds, smearing all over, (i think) the fact that he can humiliate me in that small way. He says juicy - for some reason that term does feel humiliating, dirty and wrong. But he says it with something like glee, part evil and part joyful abandon. It's all very un-Domly - he tells me how much he loves it, how good my cunt feels, how much he loves fucking me - sooo not aloof or cold or distant, not putting me in a lower place, not dignified or reserved, not sadistic or mean. But i so love seeing him enjoy himself so well - i love that i can do that for him.
Wet won out over tired. It's fuzzy - but i remember grasping his balls - the where that he would let me touch him this time, cumming so hard, him breathing good girl into my ear through what seemed like a never ending orgasm. Then him taking. That's another thing that i've learned, that seems un-Domly, that i assumed all wrong; he loves fucking me just after I've cum. I don't know what it is - but he likes the feel, he likes my response, he likes the look on my face. It means he makes me cum, before him quite often. The opposite of orgasm denial and seemingly the opposite of it being all about him and me of no consequence.
Good things happen when i do it his way - when i don't make assumptions.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Things that I have thought about blogging - but then didn't
Saw the 50 shades movie cuz it was on TV - never did read the books - lil was right - they couldn't have found two more bland people with no heat between them whatsoever. I also wondered how i would have responded if i had never stumbled down this particular rabbit hole - mostly i wanted her to sit back, shut up, and enjoy - but also - why does it have to be out of a place of being damaged for him- why can't it just be one more right way to be? And yes - if i didn't have the perspective I do - I would have been outraged and thought it was abuse. Maybe something to think about.... perspective and assumptions, etc.
That hypothetical question.... the one about would you still stick around as his slave if what he wanted from you as his slave was to be very non-slavey, to run the household, work hard at your job, raise the kids, and carry on like any other married couple with too much to do and too little time, with misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and arguing, but no real kink, no accountability, no discipline and no submission..... that question feels less hypothetical some days - and the answer is yes - i will and do stick around because it's what is needed and the big hard thing i agreed to as His (sub/slave/whatever) was to trust him and follow him.
My pain tolerance has really declined - maybe that's good; like getting buzzed on one beer makes you a cheap date - is there an advantage to being a lightweight for pain? Or does that make it less satisfying for him? Or easier for him?
I love worshipping his cock - in the bad old days i would offer blow jobs to get around having him touch me or look at me too closely - it took a long time for me to learn to really accept his hands and his eyes on me. It dawned on me recently that i love worshipping his cock now - without any of the old motivations - it's purely a focus on him and his pleasure.
I do so love having him assert his ownership of me - physically, mentally, in deeds and demands. It is still hard to flip from the world to him on demand - if there were ever a course that I would consider taking if it were offered - it would be on how to move from 'regular life' mode to 'His' mode - or better yet - how to be in 'His' mode all the time and still function in all the ways.
After all this time - and it has been a good deal of time - communication is still the absolute most important thing - and the hardest.
That hypothetical question.... the one about would you still stick around as his slave if what he wanted from you as his slave was to be very non-slavey, to run the household, work hard at your job, raise the kids, and carry on like any other married couple with too much to do and too little time, with misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and arguing, but no real kink, no accountability, no discipline and no submission..... that question feels less hypothetical some days - and the answer is yes - i will and do stick around because it's what is needed and the big hard thing i agreed to as His (sub/slave/whatever) was to trust him and follow him.
My pain tolerance has really declined - maybe that's good; like getting buzzed on one beer makes you a cheap date - is there an advantage to being a lightweight for pain? Or does that make it less satisfying for him? Or easier for him?
I love worshipping his cock - in the bad old days i would offer blow jobs to get around having him touch me or look at me too closely - it took a long time for me to learn to really accept his hands and his eyes on me. It dawned on me recently that i love worshipping his cock now - without any of the old motivations - it's purely a focus on him and his pleasure.
I do so love having him assert his ownership of me - physically, mentally, in deeds and demands. It is still hard to flip from the world to him on demand - if there were ever a course that I would consider taking if it were offered - it would be on how to move from 'regular life' mode to 'His' mode - or better yet - how to be in 'His' mode all the time and still function in all the ways.
After all this time - and it has been a good deal of time - communication is still the absolute most important thing - and the hardest.
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