from the files of OH HELL NO!

Lots of things leave me thinking there's no way in hell i could ever.... big, loud, harsh, over the top....easy to shrug off  cuz they will never happen.....

This one is quiet, simplisitic, minimalistic, and still so very FUCK NO!   But i can't seem to look away, or get the visual or my visceral response out of my head....

[Warning - you really can't un-see it]

not so hard...should maybe be harder...sometimes i just want it harder...

Ancilla_ksst wrote about something that is hard for her.  This particular thing would be very, very hard for me.  Impossible i think if i'm honest.  But that isn't the point.  It is hard for her, but clearly not impossible.  They have done the work, set the stage, built the trust and the submission/slavery, all the necessary things to get there.  What "it" is isn't the point here.

It's the hard that is the point.

There are times that many of the bits and pieces of real life are hard - exhausting, gut-wrenching, defeating, overwhelming, and more.  I couldn't take anything more on top of all that sometimes, and he wouldn't add more - and shouldn't for his own sake really - he's right here in all the hard parts with me, his focus needs to be where it needs to be as well.

But there is something about this dynamic that needs the hard also, however that looks for the individuals - pushing limits mentally, emotionally, physically, service, humiliation, pain, whatever it is....  always easy isn't always best.

I love pleasing him.  In some ways, the simple things are what he wants, what pleases him: coffee in the morning, good meals prepared, shaving on schedule, asking to get into bed,  all not hard, although sometimes easy to let slide and easy to forget the real purpose of.  But i don't have the wiring to thrive on just simple, quiet service. I suppose if he asked that of me, it would qualify as hard, it would push my limits, but i don't think that's what he wants, he certainly hasn't been molding me that direction - though i have learned not to assume anything....

So if I'm not a serving girl in the background, and stepford isn't at all what he wants, how do I please him?  And how do i make his life better, easier?

In my mind, I please him by doing things that are hard, by rising to the challenge when he pushes my limits.  By enduring.  By allowing him to explore his desires, his whims, his fantasies.  By being open to him mentally, emotionally and physically (less sexy, but most important to him and hardest for me).      

Of course, these have to be things he wants, whatever it is has to have meaning and value to him, it has to serve him or it doesn't meet my need to serve him.  I have had to learn to trust that he truly wants what he asks of me.  He isn't demonstrative about his desires.  I'm the puppy dancing around showing the world what i really want.  He is much more stoic all around.  That is part of the hard for me - the trust and the patience - the non-sexy, non-exciting part of the hard.

You can argue the right or wrong of my having needs - but the fact is - i need to have him ask hard things of me. I need him to push my limits and challenge me - control, pain, bondage, obediance, humiliation, surrender, service.... I need to be able to please him in those ways, to give myself in those ways.  It is what i have to offer, it is the value i can bring him.  But also, these are what light my nerve endings on fire, from my cunt outward. And they bind me to him, bend my knees to him, make my heart thrum for him.  

 

reconnecting

Which was exactly what this past weekend was.  Reconnecting might look different for us than it does for many people though - from both sides of the vanilla/not so vanilla world. But it was perfect for us.

It was 39 degrees and pouring most of the weekend, so the outside, tied to a tree naked and beaten thing didn't happen.  I think my husband decided that, even though he could do it and I would certainly obey, probably no one actually feels aroused when soaked, freezing, and miserable, including him.

We spent Saturday exploring the closest little town, had burgers at a local bar, talked and talked, got to ask and answer and explore each others ideas and wishes for our future, our priorities, our dreams.

Back at the  cabin/getaway we puttered around - with frequent breaks for him to bend me over his lap, over the sofa, just plain over. There was no wine, no flowers, no white tablecloths or fancy dinner, though there was some chocolate.   He got to make rules for me that aren't compatible with our usual life.  We got to try the whole - me serving, waiting, attending in nothing but a collar and heels (or in this case, wool socks). The smile that brought to his face was priceless.  He got access at his whim - no interference by all the usual day-to-day and other people and stuff.  

There was lying together on the sofa in front of the fire, just reveling in time together.  There was fucking on the rug in front of the fire (he liked the traction the wool rug provided, I got a whole new kind of pain to process).  There was hiking in the rain, there was having things shoved up my holes, including his fist, there was leisurely coffee and reading, there was beating and sub space and cumming, there was more lying together....

As the weekend was winding down, the clouds cleared, the wind died down, and it made it into the 50's.  I surprised him by lying naked on the porch bench, soaking up the sun. Not quite what he had wanted, and no mosquitos, but surrounded by trees and the pond, and a dragonfly did land on my boob and hang out at one point.  Finding me there that way brought a huge grin to his face and  I love being able to make him happy like that.  





 

little bit nervous

You know how people - ok, maybe not most people, not normal people, not the people you would talk to at work and stuff - but some people - scroll through tumbler and such and get ideas about things they might like to try someday?  *looking around, sincerely hoping this isn't just me*

Well - my husband does that some times - and one of the things that has always caught his attention has been women tied up outdoors.  I mean tied up nekkid and exposed and available for beatings or shenanigans or whatever, tied along a path in the woods waiting for someone to pass by, that kind of thing.

That's all well and good, solidly in the realm of daydreams and fantasy and no chance of reality cuz he's a little bit (very little bit) into exposing me - but nowhere in our day to day lives is there a place or an opportunity for that kind of exposure.

Until there is.

We will be going away, for just the weekend, a quick trip to a place that checks all the boxes: very remote, no one else around, no kids!, lots and lots of trees, probably some rope, and did i mention very remote.

Shit.

Now i'm nervous.

I'm not scared- i'm nature girl here, i like most of the creatures other girls don't, snakes, bats, lizards... not afraid of critters or bugs (except centipedes - really, really do NOT like those), i can pee in the woods no problem, i'm not squeamish. I am a little concerned that it's hunting season and i don't picture him tying me to a tree nekkid and letting me keep the sexy blaze orange vest.

It's more that i'm worried i won't find the sexy in it, that my head will be stuck in the temperature, the mosquitoes, the poison ivy, the remote chance of someone else wandering by, the hunters... which isn't at all where i think he will want my head to be (maybe the remote chance of someone wandering by, but not the other stuff).

He's almost always able to get me to get my head where he wants it, so we'll see.


And there is this....

I've been thinking about why i only seem to post once every two weeks or so recently.  It's not that our dynamic is in trouble and dying a slow death.  Nor is it that we are blissfully happy and riding off into the sunset.

A lot of the usual things apply - we are busy, life is going a zillion miles an hour, far less time together alone....my mental and emotional energy are going elsewhere, by the time i sit down to write, my brain just shuts down.

I think the biggest thing is that we are discovering that we need to talk directly with each other more than ever.  Life has been putting up challenges and knocking us both back on our heels.  We are learning that the only way we can stay stable is by not hiding from each other - in different ways, but both of us are needing to open up even more.  By the time i start to write, it's already been thought out and said.

It is harder for me to be all that he wants when i'm ovewhelmed and very much harder to accept his suggestions (orders) with any grace when i'm stressed, but i'm really trying.  It's also harder for him to attend to all the details when he's overwhelmed and harder for him to not shut down when he's really stressed, but he is working at it also.  And it is like it has always been, when we can make our dynamic work better, everything else flows better also.  

We are still here.  Still not getting everything perfectly right, each of us falling down sometimes.  But also finding the sweet spot sometimes too.  

strange train of thought...

I read something a Domme wrote recently about her very difficult childhood and how her mother expectd her to fall in line and do what people told her to, etc., and how that was clearly so unlikely to happen.  The implication was that she has a dominant personality, is dominant (??), and this played a big part in her resiliance growing up.

This writer doesn't know me, doesn't know of me even - so couldn't possibly have been referring to me, of course.  But i heard it as an indictment anyhow.  The implication that came through for me was that submissiveness and submission are weak and undesireable and, by definition not strong and not acceptable ways to survive.

I guess i partly agree - i don't think that going along to get along is always a great strategy and i think it has to eat away at one's self respect and inner strength to kowtow all the time.  I survived my childhood (also not exactly rainbows and unicorns) not through dominance or rebelling but certainly with resiliance and strength and i guess independence.

I would love to discuss with D-types how they honestly feel about s-types sometime - a discussion beyond how they meet their sexual or relationship needs, beyond "i admire the strength it takes to submit," beyond yin-yang.

Because i honestly wonder how you hold in your mind both the unshakeable belief that you are better than she (he) is at all the things/so many of the things and also that she or he is not less than you in some way.  Or - conversely, and more to the point for me- how does one hold in mind both a belief that the other person deserves to lead/should be deferred to and also a belief in her or his (my) own self worth, value, competence,  etc...

By the nature of it, by definition, or by assumption dominance/dominant is higher, in charge, stronger, righter, more capable, pretty much most of the positive superlatives.   You would expect someone who was all that to have some disdain, or at least pity for the people who are lower, weaker, not so right, less capable, etc, etc...

Whether a domineering ass or with refined gentility, or somewhere in between, a D has to have confidence, a certain amount of arrogance; has to believe he or she is right, capable, and deserves to take charge.  I prefer my confidence with a certain amount of humility - but the fact is, by the naure of being D, they believe they ought to lead.

Us s-types, in at least one primary relationship in our lives - believe we shouldn't lead, that the other person is more something than us.   We look up to our D.  We look up to them, we respect them, we admire - even adore them.  We rely on them, often even for things we could absolutely handle ourselves, we defer to them, we submit to them (duh!)   What is there in all that for them to respect, admire, or even desire?

I couldn't explain how it all really works (and for us it really does) to anyone else.  I'm not sure my husband could answer these questions.  But the contradiction is there - at least for those like my husband who doesn't believe i am less than - and wants me to know that also - but does believe he is who and where he belongs in our dynamic, and that i am also.

I've always wondered...

What happens when M/s has to take a back seat?  When it just does because that is the way you (both He and me) have prioritized things -

I've always figured that it took a certain amount of resources to make M/s really feasible - not money resources, but time for sure, and the possibility of privacy - and also just enough spare mental energy on each side to put into the dynamic and do the work it needs - and i firmly believe it takes work on both sides.  I recognized that we had that - not a ton - but we had pockets of time, some privacy.  And we had the spare mental energy and emotional reserves.  We could do the work, risk the lows, weather the hard parts.  And it fed itself: the work and the risk made things better which led to more mental energy and emotioanl reserves.

Anyhow - those resources have all been reallocated for now.  They have to be - his choice - but also mine.  It is what is right.  But i have to figure out how to be with this.  How to be what he wants, what works, to be strong and still submissive, to be hopeful and not resentful, to hold onto the intimacy without the same connection, to keep it alive when we can't really feed it enough.