I was chatting with a friend recently. He is about to move, change jobs, his wife is changing jobs, his oldest is going off to college, and his youngest is decamping with the family to a whole different part of the country. I commented that I've been at the same thing for almost 7 years now, and that is the longest I've ever really stayed moving one direction; that it feels like time to shake things up, or learn to move forward in the same direction, something, it occurred to me, i've never done before.
Six years of college, then move and start a career. A few years of working, dating, having fun, then get married, then move, new job. Then move again, have kids, re-create my job to fit. A few more years, totally switch directions careerwise. A few more years, we all move, new job for me, new place, new directions for the kids. Now they are finishing high school and looking at college - big changes for them, and for me and for us.
But I've been at the same job for 6 years now. I love my job. I have loved what i do all along - the changes were expansions, leaps forward, adventures with the possibilities, not starting over at something else. I know work isn't a whole life - but it is a part. In my case it has many frustrations, and I would love to sleep in many mornings, but it adds value, it challenges me, it stimulates me, it fulfills important parts of me. I want to keep doing this job, but i'm not really experienced at moving forward so long at something without changing directions. I'm not sure how to keep myself dedicated to this, re-committed and engaged. I'm worried I will coast and get stale.
Our marriage - it didn't follow a good pattern. For a long time it didn't expand, leap forward, or hold adventures. It got weary and tired and tangled. The changes we made were a huge adventure, a giant leap, and an enormous expansion. But it's been almost 7 years now. It's stable, and it's good. I like, no - i am so grateful - that i am much less mired in angst and doubt. But I wonder if I will coast, not be fully engaged without new challenges and directions. I absolutely don't want to go back to weary and tired and dull. I do really need to figure out how to move forward without changing directions, to remain committed and engaged and in wonder of it all.
My husband has supported every step i've taken. He has moved along with me, along with us. Some of the moves have been on his behalf, but not all. He has remained at the same job the entire time. He is absolutely excellent at remaining engaged and challenged. He sets goals and moves forward constantly and consistently. Shaking up our relationship when we did was a big change. The fact that he was on board was partly a testament to how desperately bad things were. He has moved forward with this with his characteristic focus and constancy.
Rather than think about my needs and my patterns, and how i have always operated, what I probably should say - what i probably should think - is that I will follow his lead and trust him to have the right answers, that i will learn to do things his way. What will happen though will be a nod to both our personalities. He will pay attention to us and keep us moving safely forward. I will find adventures for us. I don't plan out or go looking for all the changes, i stumble over them and decide to pick them up and see where they lead. And he will fold it all into our lives and make it work for both of us.
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Sunday, January 17, 2016
why i like being spanked: an assigned topic
He rarely asks me to write about anything specific - this he told me to do....
So many people have written their answers to this. And thank goodness too - I was not one of those people for whom being spanked played a center-stage if somewhat personally confliciting role in their imaginations for as long as they can remember. I never imagined being spanked; as a child, when the reality was looming, it was nothing at all to be wanting. But, as an adult, much later, reading what other people do write struck my imagination.
What others write so eloquently does answer a lot of why I like being spanked. Maybe that's power of suggestion, maybe operant conditioning, maybe just a common human wiring configuration. But yes - to a lot of the common themes: it makes me wet and turns me on, it focuses my attention, it can clear my mind, it makes me submissive, it reminds me who's in control, it puts me in my place, it centers me and calms me, it debases me, on some incomprehensible level i like the pain and on a completely transparent level i like the attention. All of these are true, some to different degrees in different contexts and with different types of spanking. He knows all of these and uses them all to his advantage, which is to my advantage, which is to our advantage.
Most of those are effects though - not why's. Why do I like being wet and aroused? Why do i like my attention focused on him and my mind cleared? Why do I want to be made submissive, or to be debased, or to be calmed and centered. Why do I like pain or for that matter, his attention?
Well - some seem self evident - wet and aroused are good - especially if he's going to take advantage of them/me. And if not - well - he likes me that way and i like being able to be that for him and i like that he likes it and anticipation is fun too - for me and also to see him in anticipation of what he wants - it's all good.
Being spanked does focus my attention - but not always completely, and it can sometimes really clear my mind - but also not always. Some spankings are just not intense enough for these and, unfortunately, the intensity necesssary does seem to be increasing as we go through time. That worries me because i think he finds that tool and that purpose useful. I like when my mind can clear because it is a relief, even if a temporary one. And it allows me to focus on him and to be what he wants without my own voices and self consciousness interfering.
This comes close to why/how it makes me submissive. Sometimes consciously and sometimes very unintentionally and unconsciously, i fight him. Spanking me to the point that my mind clears leads to me surrendering and opening to him - physically, metaphorically, metaphysically - take your pick. The debasement and humiliation are part of this. And that he causes me pain - real pain. It all puts me in my place and him in his. Ultimately I want him - I want his control, i want to be in that place of surrender to him. [Why i want that and why i want him that way - I really don't understand, nor the thing with the pain...]
All of this though focuses our interactions and brings us together - too much in life distracts and pulls us apart and has us off in our own heads and our own worlds. This focuses us on each other - in a way that for god only knows what reason - agrees with both of us. There are millions of ways people interact and come together. Him spanking me - in all its contexts and flavors, brings me so much closer to him - which is what he wants - which is what i want too.
So many people have written their answers to this. And thank goodness too - I was not one of those people for whom being spanked played a center-stage if somewhat personally confliciting role in their imaginations for as long as they can remember. I never imagined being spanked; as a child, when the reality was looming, it was nothing at all to be wanting. But, as an adult, much later, reading what other people do write struck my imagination.
What others write so eloquently does answer a lot of why I like being spanked. Maybe that's power of suggestion, maybe operant conditioning, maybe just a common human wiring configuration. But yes - to a lot of the common themes: it makes me wet and turns me on, it focuses my attention, it can clear my mind, it makes me submissive, it reminds me who's in control, it puts me in my place, it centers me and calms me, it debases me, on some incomprehensible level i like the pain and on a completely transparent level i like the attention. All of these are true, some to different degrees in different contexts and with different types of spanking. He knows all of these and uses them all to his advantage, which is to my advantage, which is to our advantage.
Most of those are effects though - not why's. Why do I like being wet and aroused? Why do i like my attention focused on him and my mind cleared? Why do I want to be made submissive, or to be debased, or to be calmed and centered. Why do I like pain or for that matter, his attention?
Well - some seem self evident - wet and aroused are good - especially if he's going to take advantage of them/me. And if not - well - he likes me that way and i like being able to be that for him and i like that he likes it and anticipation is fun too - for me and also to see him in anticipation of what he wants - it's all good.
Being spanked does focus my attention - but not always completely, and it can sometimes really clear my mind - but also not always. Some spankings are just not intense enough for these and, unfortunately, the intensity necesssary does seem to be increasing as we go through time. That worries me because i think he finds that tool and that purpose useful. I like when my mind can clear because it is a relief, even if a temporary one. And it allows me to focus on him and to be what he wants without my own voices and self consciousness interfering.
This comes close to why/how it makes me submissive. Sometimes consciously and sometimes very unintentionally and unconsciously, i fight him. Spanking me to the point that my mind clears leads to me surrendering and opening to him - physically, metaphorically, metaphysically - take your pick. The debasement and humiliation are part of this. And that he causes me pain - real pain. It all puts me in my place and him in his. Ultimately I want him - I want his control, i want to be in that place of surrender to him. [Why i want that and why i want him that way - I really don't understand, nor the thing with the pain...]
All of this though focuses our interactions and brings us together - too much in life distracts and pulls us apart and has us off in our own heads and our own worlds. This focuses us on each other - in a way that for god only knows what reason - agrees with both of us. There are millions of ways people interact and come together. Him spanking me - in all its contexts and flavors, brings me so much closer to him - which is what he wants - which is what i want too.
Monday, January 4, 2016
evil presents, subdrop, evolution, and growing up
His rattan canes are fairly thin and very stingy - all well and good - he really likes them. He likes the lines and welts and hot, red patches. I tend to like thuddy (i thought) - so i figured that some heavier canes would be a mututally enjoyable christmas present from me to him. I was so wrong! I got him two thicker delrin canes. He has only tried the one so far - it takes the caning thing straight to 'i really, really, sincerely don't think i can do this'/panic even when he's going easy. I don't bruise easily - except now i do.
I've had subdrop before - never extreme and never particularly longlasting. The other day - kids gone overnight - we went out after some intense time with a long rope, the aforementioned evil cane, a huge plug, and I'm sure other things i'm forgetting. I should have thought to eat a little something. I just couldn't focus, i couldn't follow his conversation, and at dinner i broke down cryng out of the blue. I was mostly non-functional for 24 hours and i just couldn't snap out of it. If i were him, this might make me think twice about playing again. I hope it doesn't deter him and i hope it's a very rare occurence.
I commented to an online friend the other day that i just wasn't around so much anymore. He agreed and said he thought it seemed like an evolution of sorts. He's probably right. I'm just not sure if it's a good evolution or not so much so. I (clearly) overthink everything, but more and more I find myself not really able to think about this aspect of me and of our life very deeply. When i try, my brain just shys away or shuts down. I've been through all the cycles: angst, fear, contentment, joy.... This one is new. Maybe it's time to move on to just doing, less thinking. Maybe it's a holding pattern. Maybe it's a surrender. Maybe not. If I could just focus on it long enough maybe i could figure it out....
What i feel like is that we have grown up: like we've outgrown the wonder and the joy and the carefree and are left with the responsibility and the dull and the day-to-day. It's an impression. We were of course responsible all along. We didn't abandon our family, our jobs, our outside lives. We added this new, colorful, joyful thing and it added to the joyful, colorful side of real life. It's been over seven years, seven year itch maybe - or just maturing and transitioning? Maybe, truly, thinking about it isn't the best course for me.
I've had subdrop before - never extreme and never particularly longlasting. The other day - kids gone overnight - we went out after some intense time with a long rope, the aforementioned evil cane, a huge plug, and I'm sure other things i'm forgetting. I should have thought to eat a little something. I just couldn't focus, i couldn't follow his conversation, and at dinner i broke down cryng out of the blue. I was mostly non-functional for 24 hours and i just couldn't snap out of it. If i were him, this might make me think twice about playing again. I hope it doesn't deter him and i hope it's a very rare occurence.
I commented to an online friend the other day that i just wasn't around so much anymore. He agreed and said he thought it seemed like an evolution of sorts. He's probably right. I'm just not sure if it's a good evolution or not so much so. I (clearly) overthink everything, but more and more I find myself not really able to think about this aspect of me and of our life very deeply. When i try, my brain just shys away or shuts down. I've been through all the cycles: angst, fear, contentment, joy.... This one is new. Maybe it's time to move on to just doing, less thinking. Maybe it's a holding pattern. Maybe it's a surrender. Maybe not. If I could just focus on it long enough maybe i could figure it out....
What i feel like is that we have grown up: like we've outgrown the wonder and the joy and the carefree and are left with the responsibility and the dull and the day-to-day. It's an impression. We were of course responsible all along. We didn't abandon our family, our jobs, our outside lives. We added this new, colorful, joyful thing and it added to the joyful, colorful side of real life. It's been over seven years, seven year itch maybe - or just maturing and transitioning? Maybe, truly, thinking about it isn't the best course for me.
Thursday, December 10, 2015
his way/our way
We are what you would call extremely low protocol. The rules and preferences he does have are now so long in place and so ingrained that they don't seem like anything more than just how we do things. There are huge, vast expanses of areas of interaction that we have just never talked about how he wants it and he hasn't expressed an opinion. Sometimes i fill in the blanks myself - otherwise known as making assumptions - about how he might or maybe should want things.
He has no rule, for example, about my touching him uninvited. [Except his nipples - i may almost never touch those, i don't get it either] Often he makes it clear that i need to keep my hands, mouth, etc to myself - but that is always situational. Likewise, there is no rule about my not asking for sex, or hinting, or anything like that. But - i do assume that if he wants it, he will take it, and that i shouldn't ask or initiate or hint or whatever because that is just not done, or is like me taking charge, or it would somehow force him to have sex against his will.... Plus - it just doesn't fit the image - the hard ass Dom keeping the sub at a distance, keeping me in my place.....
The other night he got home from a long trip, dead dog tired, spent a bit of time with the boys, then collapsed into bed. I got home very late from a very long and overstimulating work day. He was wiped out and i was hyped up. I had been oh so very needy for days. It felt soooo good to melt into him, to just be with him, but it wasn't making me less needy. I assumed though that he would want to sleep, just sleep. I assumed a lot of things actually - that i shouldn't ask, that i should try to guess what he wants, that i should follow his lead, that it wasn't my place.....
But i took a risk. I took his hand and guided his fingers. I was swollen and dripping. He likes wet - that's something i never knew before: he really likes the feel, the sloppy sounds, smearing all over, (i think) the fact that he can humiliate me in that small way. He says juicy - for some reason that term does feel humiliating, dirty and wrong. But he says it with something like glee, part evil and part joyful abandon. It's all very un-Domly - he tells me how much he loves it, how good my cunt feels, how much he loves fucking me - sooo not aloof or cold or distant, not putting me in a lower place, not dignified or reserved, not sadistic or mean. But i so love seeing him enjoy himself so well - i love that i can do that for him.
Wet won out over tired. It's fuzzy - but i remember grasping his balls - the where that he would let me touch him this time, cumming so hard, him breathing good girl into my ear through what seemed like a never ending orgasm. Then him taking. That's another thing that i've learned, that seems un-Domly, that i assumed all wrong; he loves fucking me just after I've cum. I don't know what it is - but he likes the feel, he likes my response, he likes the look on my face. It means he makes me cum, before him quite often. The opposite of orgasm denial and seemingly the opposite of it being all about him and me of no consequence.
Good things happen when i do it his way - when i don't make assumptions.
He has no rule, for example, about my touching him uninvited. [Except his nipples - i may almost never touch those, i don't get it either] Often he makes it clear that i need to keep my hands, mouth, etc to myself - but that is always situational. Likewise, there is no rule about my not asking for sex, or hinting, or anything like that. But - i do assume that if he wants it, he will take it, and that i shouldn't ask or initiate or hint or whatever because that is just not done, or is like me taking charge, or it would somehow force him to have sex against his will.... Plus - it just doesn't fit the image - the hard ass Dom keeping the sub at a distance, keeping me in my place.....
The other night he got home from a long trip, dead dog tired, spent a bit of time with the boys, then collapsed into bed. I got home very late from a very long and overstimulating work day. He was wiped out and i was hyped up. I had been oh so very needy for days. It felt soooo good to melt into him, to just be with him, but it wasn't making me less needy. I assumed though that he would want to sleep, just sleep. I assumed a lot of things actually - that i shouldn't ask, that i should try to guess what he wants, that i should follow his lead, that it wasn't my place.....
But i took a risk. I took his hand and guided his fingers. I was swollen and dripping. He likes wet - that's something i never knew before: he really likes the feel, the sloppy sounds, smearing all over, (i think) the fact that he can humiliate me in that small way. He says juicy - for some reason that term does feel humiliating, dirty and wrong. But he says it with something like glee, part evil and part joyful abandon. It's all very un-Domly - he tells me how much he loves it, how good my cunt feels, how much he loves fucking me - sooo not aloof or cold or distant, not putting me in a lower place, not dignified or reserved, not sadistic or mean. But i so love seeing him enjoy himself so well - i love that i can do that for him.
Wet won out over tired. It's fuzzy - but i remember grasping his balls - the where that he would let me touch him this time, cumming so hard, him breathing good girl into my ear through what seemed like a never ending orgasm. Then him taking. That's another thing that i've learned, that seems un-Domly, that i assumed all wrong; he loves fucking me just after I've cum. I don't know what it is - but he likes the feel, he likes my response, he likes the look on my face. It means he makes me cum, before him quite often. The opposite of orgasm denial and seemingly the opposite of it being all about him and me of no consequence.
Good things happen when i do it his way - when i don't make assumptions.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Things that I have thought about blogging - but then didn't
Saw the 50 shades movie cuz it was on TV - never did read the books - lil was right - they couldn't have found two more bland people with no heat between them whatsoever. I also wondered how i would have responded if i had never stumbled down this particular rabbit hole - mostly i wanted her to sit back, shut up, and enjoy - but also - why does it have to be out of a place of being damaged for him- why can't it just be one more right way to be? And yes - if i didn't have the perspective I do - I would have been outraged and thought it was abuse. Maybe something to think about.... perspective and assumptions, etc.
That hypothetical question.... the one about would you still stick around as his slave if what he wanted from you as his slave was to be very non-slavey, to run the household, work hard at your job, raise the kids, and carry on like any other married couple with too much to do and too little time, with misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and arguing, but no real kink, no accountability, no discipline and no submission..... that question feels less hypothetical some days - and the answer is yes - i will and do stick around because it's what is needed and the big hard thing i agreed to as His (sub/slave/whatever) was to trust him and follow him.
My pain tolerance has really declined - maybe that's good; like getting buzzed on one beer makes you a cheap date - is there an advantage to being a lightweight for pain? Or does that make it less satisfying for him? Or easier for him?
I love worshipping his cock - in the bad old days i would offer blow jobs to get around having him touch me or look at me too closely - it took a long time for me to learn to really accept his hands and his eyes on me. It dawned on me recently that i love worshipping his cock now - without any of the old motivations - it's purely a focus on him and his pleasure.
I do so love having him assert his ownership of me - physically, mentally, in deeds and demands. It is still hard to flip from the world to him on demand - if there were ever a course that I would consider taking if it were offered - it would be on how to move from 'regular life' mode to 'His' mode - or better yet - how to be in 'His' mode all the time and still function in all the ways.
After all this time - and it has been a good deal of time - communication is still the absolute most important thing - and the hardest.
That hypothetical question.... the one about would you still stick around as his slave if what he wanted from you as his slave was to be very non-slavey, to run the household, work hard at your job, raise the kids, and carry on like any other married couple with too much to do and too little time, with misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and arguing, but no real kink, no accountability, no discipline and no submission..... that question feels less hypothetical some days - and the answer is yes - i will and do stick around because it's what is needed and the big hard thing i agreed to as His (sub/slave/whatever) was to trust him and follow him.
My pain tolerance has really declined - maybe that's good; like getting buzzed on one beer makes you a cheap date - is there an advantage to being a lightweight for pain? Or does that make it less satisfying for him? Or easier for him?
I love worshipping his cock - in the bad old days i would offer blow jobs to get around having him touch me or look at me too closely - it took a long time for me to learn to really accept his hands and his eyes on me. It dawned on me recently that i love worshipping his cock now - without any of the old motivations - it's purely a focus on him and his pleasure.
I do so love having him assert his ownership of me - physically, mentally, in deeds and demands. It is still hard to flip from the world to him on demand - if there were ever a course that I would consider taking if it were offered - it would be on how to move from 'regular life' mode to 'His' mode - or better yet - how to be in 'His' mode all the time and still function in all the ways.
After all this time - and it has been a good deal of time - communication is still the absolute most important thing - and the hardest.
Thursday, November 19, 2015
She's doing it again.....
Jz that is....
Dust off your baking pans, because on Wednesday, December 9th 2015
The Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza returns!
Won't YOU please join us?
It's easy to play along.
Just post a recipe that day for a holiday goodie -- any goodie.
It doesn't have to be for cookies… or even be sweet.
We do not discriminate against any goodie.
(We are equal opportunity consumers around here.)
That's pretty much all there is to it.
The single catch is that there's only one way to get your name in the official list of participants: You have to contact me (Jz) by Monday, Dec. 7th with both your name and the address of your blog.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
shame or self-consciousness
I had never discussed any of our dynamic or our kinks with anyone irl who i didn't already know was involved in this lifestyle, and even that has been very, very few people.
I obviously write about it freely enough - although not as explicitly or articulately as many people. And I chat with some people online, never in particularly explicit terms though.
Even talking with my husband - I sometimes (most often actually) find it hard (actually, very hard) to say the explicit words, to ask for things in anything but euphemisms.
I found myself talking recently with someone about our lifestyle/arrangement/dynamic/kinks. This person is someone who it is appropriate to talk about these things with. I was a little concerned about being censured or rebuked about it all, but I took the leap and i was reassured that wouldn't happen.
I found it impossible to say any of the words out loud though - masochist, spanking, caning, pain, control, submission, dominance, marking, bondage, rituals, service.... I tripped over all of these and more - in fact, i really wasn't able to say much out loud at all. I talked about us in such vague and general terms that i don't think i would have recognized us from my description.
She asked if it were shame holding me back and making it difficult. I immediately told her it was not shame - it felt like being self-conscious. I don't believe i am ashamed of what we do and how we are - i know i don't believe any of it is wrong. But what about it makes me self-conscious? Why is it so hard for me to use the language? Where does that feeling come from?
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