Bedtime ritual here involves me standing naked beside the bed asking him (already in bed) if i may join him.
We keep our house on the chilly side, and since our bedroom is over the garage, it hovers around 56 all winter. In all fairness, the reason he is in bed first is because he warms the sheets on my side of the bed, then i get into a not-so-shockingly-cold bed.
That is indeed very sweet of him to do, especially because once i get in, he has to scoot over to his still-very-cold side of the bed.
But back to me standing naked by my side of the bed asking permission to get in.....
When i am exhausted and sleepy and it has been a long day, i really, really want to be in bed. I can feel the warmth, i can feel myself melting up against him, my body and my mind letting go and allowing sleep to carry me off. Oh how i want it.
And, when i am so tired, I have less than usual cold tolerance - remember i'm standing there naked.
So i stand and wait permission (usually permission is granted after some talking, or groping, or tweaking, or testing of some sort). So i stand there and try not to bat his hands away, roll my eyes, whine or complain, or point out how unfair and utterly stupid this whole thing is.
Not a glad heart sort of arrangement at all.
And i'm not sure it will ever be - at least not in the winter.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Friday, March 1, 2013
Feeling His
HIS
I know i am His. I believe i am His. I think a lot about what it means to be His - most likely i think about it way too much. Sometimes, more often as time goes on, i feel HIS, and that is new for me.
I'm not great at feeling. Feelings most often get translated into thoughts pretty automatically. And ironically - to put the feelings into words here - or elsewhere - i have to go through thoughts and i lose a lot on the way.
So I've tried recently to pay attention to my feelings and to - i don't know - allow them, really experience them, remember them... Especially my feelings about Him and about being His.
Turns out - it has a lot of flavors.
Largely, feeling His is very much tied to that submissive feeling for me.
Yesterday started with a surprise correction (because he doesn't do punishments) - it was a reminder that he actually does mean for me to follow the rules he has set. I didn't think he had been paying attention or that it would matter. He was and it did. And being called on it made me feel childish (for forgetting and for being called out) and a little ashamed, and a little remorseful, and somehow a little more settled and secure and content than i had just before.
Apparently the morning's correction had put Him in a mindset also. When i got home from work, and through the evening, he growled his desires into my ear and reached out to grab or pinch whenever we had a moment alone. He took several opportunities to make use of me - of my mouth, and especially of my ass. (That is actually still hard for me to write). As bedtime approached, i had a fair idea of what he would be wanting that night.
Switching gears back and forth from work and kids and dinner to being his playtoy, really just his holes, led to some internal eye rolling -i guess the feeling that goes with that is "whatever". Not terribly submissive. But i think he knew that and i know he didn't care. And the feeling of his putting my feelings aside and just continuing with his agenda - that is a priceless feeling for me. That feels submissive, it (oh so very inexplicably) causes warm feelings towards him and a calmer and happier me.
Looking back on the experience that led to my post about rage, it created a lot of very strong feelings - but not at all those i would have expected. There was and is no fear or trepidation or anxiety. There is a very new level of feeling His though.
He played with me, he played with me physically - quite roughly, he took me to a place he wanted to go, a place i didn't know existed, he moved me and manipulated me and played around with me, mentally and emotionally. I was an object, a problem to be solved, something for him to learn about and explore. Yet "I" was not at all part of it, I was the object, I was not "me" in that experience. It was an incredibly detached and third person experience for me.
He wanted to learn about me, he wanted to play with me and explore me - all the parts - not just the physical or sexual. And it feels strangely - fascinating, appealing, good - to think of myself in that way. I now crave that feeling - the one i really can't capture in words yet. I want to be that for him - that feels fulfilling, I want to offer him that. And that's a new flavor of that submissive feeling for me.
I know i am His. I believe i am His. I think a lot about what it means to be His - most likely i think about it way too much. Sometimes, more often as time goes on, i feel HIS, and that is new for me.
I'm not great at feeling. Feelings most often get translated into thoughts pretty automatically. And ironically - to put the feelings into words here - or elsewhere - i have to go through thoughts and i lose a lot on the way.
So I've tried recently to pay attention to my feelings and to - i don't know - allow them, really experience them, remember them... Especially my feelings about Him and about being His.
Turns out - it has a lot of flavors.
Largely, feeling His is very much tied to that submissive feeling for me.
Yesterday started with a surprise correction (because he doesn't do punishments) - it was a reminder that he actually does mean for me to follow the rules he has set. I didn't think he had been paying attention or that it would matter. He was and it did. And being called on it made me feel childish (for forgetting and for being called out) and a little ashamed, and a little remorseful, and somehow a little more settled and secure and content than i had just before.
Apparently the morning's correction had put Him in a mindset also. When i got home from work, and through the evening, he growled his desires into my ear and reached out to grab or pinch whenever we had a moment alone. He took several opportunities to make use of me - of my mouth, and especially of my ass. (That is actually still hard for me to write). As bedtime approached, i had a fair idea of what he would be wanting that night.
Switching gears back and forth from work and kids and dinner to being his playtoy, really just his holes, led to some internal eye rolling -i guess the feeling that goes with that is "whatever". Not terribly submissive. But i think he knew that and i know he didn't care. And the feeling of his putting my feelings aside and just continuing with his agenda - that is a priceless feeling for me. That feels submissive, it (oh so very inexplicably) causes warm feelings towards him and a calmer and happier me.
Looking back on the experience that led to my post about rage, it created a lot of very strong feelings - but not at all those i would have expected. There was and is no fear or trepidation or anxiety. There is a very new level of feeling His though.
He played with me, he played with me physically - quite roughly, he took me to a place he wanted to go, a place i didn't know existed, he moved me and manipulated me and played around with me, mentally and emotionally. I was an object, a problem to be solved, something for him to learn about and explore. Yet "I" was not at all part of it, I was the object, I was not "me" in that experience. It was an incredibly detached and third person experience for me.
He wanted to learn about me, he wanted to play with me and explore me - all the parts - not just the physical or sexual. And it feels strangely - fascinating, appealing, good - to think of myself in that way. I now crave that feeling - the one i really can't capture in words yet. I want to be that for him - that feels fulfilling, I want to offer him that. And that's a new flavor of that submissive feeling for me.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
mixed feelings
I suppose most of my posts could have that title - but it is what it is today.
The past few weeks have became increasingly difficult for me. Like most things in life - there are a lot of factors. I have a lot of things happening very quickly at work, most of them really good and exciting things, but work is work, deadlines are deadlines, and stress is stress even if it's the good kind.
The process of figuring out how to relate with our teenager, who is trying very hard to become his own - very, very complex person - is proving very much more trying than i had imagined it would. The hard parts just aren't at all the parts i imagined they would be.
Any time or effort to take care of myself had gone out the window. Way too little sleep and no exercise, no unwinding, only lots and lots of time spent sitting working, and worrying.
I fell apart. The worst part is that my husband was really, really looking forward to having me with him, to being able to spend some time away with me, to just being with me. And i couldn't give him that.
He was upset, and disappointed rightly so. He has arranged things for me to rest - mentally and physically - this is absolutely what i need. I can't protest or pretend otherwise.
My mixed feelings are around taking care of me and our roles in that. Clearly i need to, have a responsibility to, owe it to him to, take care of myself. I guess there's really no ambiguity in that. I had let myself get far too overwhelmed, not out of laziness or a belief that it wasn't my responsibility, but purely out of being overwhelmed.
I think i started writing this with mixed feelings - maybe along the lines of it not feeling very submissive to be in charge enough of all the things that were going on to manage them properly. It felt, in fact very independent and disengaged from him, not just while he was away, but for some weeks before that as well. I've (mostly) reconciled the duality of submission with him vs. how i am at my best with work and the larger world in general. This had more to do with our lives and my roles within our lives, turning things over to him, relinquishing control vs. being useful and supportive and enjoyable to him.
But - i think i see that it really is my responsibility, that i need to find a way to maintain my submission to him while managing the stressors outside of him. He will want me to ask for help when i need it, but he will want me to protect myself as well, to not end up in this state again.
The past few weeks have became increasingly difficult for me. Like most things in life - there are a lot of factors. I have a lot of things happening very quickly at work, most of them really good and exciting things, but work is work, deadlines are deadlines, and stress is stress even if it's the good kind.
The process of figuring out how to relate with our teenager, who is trying very hard to become his own - very, very complex person - is proving very much more trying than i had imagined it would. The hard parts just aren't at all the parts i imagined they would be.
Any time or effort to take care of myself had gone out the window. Way too little sleep and no exercise, no unwinding, only lots and lots of time spent sitting working, and worrying.
I fell apart. The worst part is that my husband was really, really looking forward to having me with him, to being able to spend some time away with me, to just being with me. And i couldn't give him that.
He was upset, and disappointed rightly so. He has arranged things for me to rest - mentally and physically - this is absolutely what i need. I can't protest or pretend otherwise.
My mixed feelings are around taking care of me and our roles in that. Clearly i need to, have a responsibility to, owe it to him to, take care of myself. I guess there's really no ambiguity in that. I had let myself get far too overwhelmed, not out of laziness or a belief that it wasn't my responsibility, but purely out of being overwhelmed.
I think i started writing this with mixed feelings - maybe along the lines of it not feeling very submissive to be in charge enough of all the things that were going on to manage them properly. It felt, in fact very independent and disengaged from him, not just while he was away, but for some weeks before that as well. I've (mostly) reconciled the duality of submission with him vs. how i am at my best with work and the larger world in general. This had more to do with our lives and my roles within our lives, turning things over to him, relinquishing control vs. being useful and supportive and enjoyable to him.
But - i think i see that it really is my responsibility, that i need to find a way to maintain my submission to him while managing the stressors outside of him. He will want me to ask for help when i need it, but he will want me to protect myself as well, to not end up in this state again.
Monday, February 18, 2013
rage
He never spanks, canes, beats, etc for punishment - containment and realignment yes - reestablishment of roles sometimes...for his fun or mine, for his need, or ours, but not in anger and not as punishment or retribution.
I know this. He has never wavered on this.
Still - sometimes, when he comes at me a little more harshly than i had expected, or out of the blue, or it goes pretty far past the fun/arousal stage - it can feel like there is a message i'm supposed to be getting. So i ask "what did i do"...and he (without pausing) just assures me i did nothing wrong - this is just what he felt like doing.
He knows i have those doubts sometimes. So this time he assured me beforehand, "I want to play rough, i'm not angry or upset or unhappy with you, it is just what i want this morning. It has been awhile, are you prepared for this?" He also asked me to repeat to him my words, just as he does every time he knows we will have more than a little time together.
He has gotten very good at reading me, and at taking me mentally where he wants me to go. It's lovely in fiction that the Dom always knows the sub so much better than she knows herself, even though they've just met... For us, however, it has taken practice, and communication, and each of us learning - ourselves as much as each other.
He can take me to a quivering mass of pure arousal and need. He can take me to subspace, long and building until harsh feels simply lovely. He can take me through anger and frustration to tears and depletion and absolution.
This time he took me to rage. Through anger, through desperation, past tears, to pure animal rage. He kept building - faster, harder, more and more sensitive places... There was no fear, there was no wondering what i had done to anger him, there was no ability for me to be rational or to get myself under control, or even communicate except through screams.
I did have the awareness of being out of control and unable to calm myself at all or to cooperate with him. Always before, i've been able to go along with him, at least mentally, even through tears or fighting the binds. This time i couldn't. And i don't think i was afraid, so much as i think i didn't know if it was right to be that way, if it was in fact ok to be out of control of myself, or it it was wrong.
So i yellowed.
And he slowed down and changed tactics.
But i was still mid-rage. I was stuck, up on a plateau of pure anger and lashing out. Removing the stimulus didn't weaken the storm; it was self sustaining by that point.
I don't really remember what he did to calm me down, i know it took time, the storm had to blow for a bit, and then he helped. But eventually i was me and i was back in his arms.
We talked. He says he knew there is a wall at the top of that particular mountain, that he has seen it and gone around or a gone different direction from it before. He didn't realize that particular wall was so hard, but he wants to know what is on the other side. He thinks there may be something good, something deeper and good for me on the other side.
I think it's going to be a very interesting process to get there.
I know this. He has never wavered on this.
Still - sometimes, when he comes at me a little more harshly than i had expected, or out of the blue, or it goes pretty far past the fun/arousal stage - it can feel like there is a message i'm supposed to be getting. So i ask "what did i do"...and he (without pausing) just assures me i did nothing wrong - this is just what he felt like doing.
He knows i have those doubts sometimes. So this time he assured me beforehand, "I want to play rough, i'm not angry or upset or unhappy with you, it is just what i want this morning. It has been awhile, are you prepared for this?" He also asked me to repeat to him my words, just as he does every time he knows we will have more than a little time together.
He has gotten very good at reading me, and at taking me mentally where he wants me to go. It's lovely in fiction that the Dom always knows the sub so much better than she knows herself, even though they've just met... For us, however, it has taken practice, and communication, and each of us learning - ourselves as much as each other.
He can take me to a quivering mass of pure arousal and need. He can take me to subspace, long and building until harsh feels simply lovely. He can take me through anger and frustration to tears and depletion and absolution.
This time he took me to rage. Through anger, through desperation, past tears, to pure animal rage. He kept building - faster, harder, more and more sensitive places... There was no fear, there was no wondering what i had done to anger him, there was no ability for me to be rational or to get myself under control, or even communicate except through screams.
I did have the awareness of being out of control and unable to calm myself at all or to cooperate with him. Always before, i've been able to go along with him, at least mentally, even through tears or fighting the binds. This time i couldn't. And i don't think i was afraid, so much as i think i didn't know if it was right to be that way, if it was in fact ok to be out of control of myself, or it it was wrong.
So i yellowed.
And he slowed down and changed tactics.
But i was still mid-rage. I was stuck, up on a plateau of pure anger and lashing out. Removing the stimulus didn't weaken the storm; it was self sustaining by that point.
I don't really remember what he did to calm me down, i know it took time, the storm had to blow for a bit, and then he helped. But eventually i was me and i was back in his arms.
We talked. He says he knew there is a wall at the top of that particular mountain, that he has seen it and gone around or a gone different direction from it before. He didn't realize that particular wall was so hard, but he wants to know what is on the other side. He thinks there may be something good, something deeper and good for me on the other side.
I think it's going to be a very interesting process to get there.
He likes it
What i learned about Him and about myself with His New Year's Resolution - he likes things just because he likes them.
and this has been a really important thing for me to know
It came out in a conversation with a friend about how i feel about being caned, or more to the point, how i feel when i'm caned.
FRIEND: and after?
But it turns out that his willingness, actually - his desire - to do what and how he wants instead of taking me where i want or need to go - was a subtle but fundamental shift in things for us, for me anyhow. Often he likes what i like and we both end up leaving the interaction/experience happy. I need sometimes to feel that i am being used for his desires alone and that there is some work or some cost to me to provide that for him.
and this has been a really important thing for me to know
It came out in a conversation with a friend about how i feel about being caned, or more to the point, how i feel when i'm caned.
ME: caning hurts - not a spread out absorbable pain
it is a touch fearful
makes me angry at first
then i break down
and crying seems to be the thing i can do to cope
FRIEND: and after?
ME: if it was enough - depleted and cleansed
if it wasn't enough - maybe still angry or edgy
FRIEND: can he tell?
me: yes
sometimes he asks if i want more - to keep going
FRIEND: and he leaves you with not enough?
me: sometimes
it is a funny thing - like edging towards an orgasm but being denied
it leaves me still submissive feeling - maybe accepting that this is for him not me that has been a bigger component of all this that hadn't been present before
maybe i'm not explaining well
FRIEND: I think you are explaining it very well
me: if i came to him very out of sorts and asked for it
he would and does take me all the wayme crawling into his arms wiped out and depleted is - good, crucial, important for him
But it turns out that his willingness, actually - his desire - to do what and how he wants instead of taking me where i want or need to go - was a subtle but fundamental shift in things for us, for me anyhow. Often he likes what i like and we both end up leaving the interaction/experience happy. I need sometimes to feel that i am being used for his desires alone and that there is some work or some cost to me to provide that for him.
Hi
Why am i back?
Needing to close down for awhile actually would have been an opportune moment for me to fade away altogether
I do feel like i wonder less - or at least less desperately - than i used to.
I have less exciting stuff to talk about in general - there just isn't as much shiny and new happening (it's been 4 years at this point - guess it's time to admit we're no longer novices or honeymooners)
Sometimes writing about our relationship feels like it somehow detracts from actually relating - do it, don't just talk about it....
There are no longer lots of drafts sitting in my drafts folder, and the ones that are there are from fairly long ago. I had started to get comfortable with writing only when i felt the urge, when there was something i needed to straighten out in my head. It was good for me to be less focused on needing to have something to write about.
And honestly - once i had a moment to breathe and a few spare brain cells not overloaded with other things - it hit me that it might actually be good for me to walk away - time and mental effort i could probably use elsewhere and all that.
This blog has a strange place for me -
I've missed the inter-activeness, the community, and the friends I've made.
It has been how and where i take apart and look at how i feel about things between me and Him. And i have never in my life been one to take things apart and examine how i feel about them. Quite the opposite in fact.
And i think this is part of why i need to keep this up for the time being. It is, as it turns out, good for me to think about how i feel, to try to understand that side of myself. And in the time i've been unable to blog, even trying to write things in other formats, or to send them just to my husband, wasn't as effective.
I imagine that if i tried, I could learn to work with a different format. I do talk to him, and even write - but i seem to have learned this kind of thinking in this way and it just plain works best this way right now.
And finally - He wants me to continue: he will allow me to stop if i really wish. But he would like me to keep writing here. He likes hearing me. He likes the access to the inside of my head. And he likes my writing (that last one he made me say out loud to him - it took 5 tries - i'm not good at saying nice things about myself).
So i will keep working on the technical issues and hope they are adequate. They are, in reality, like the small lock we have on our toybox: enough to make it clear that there is something we wish to keep hidden, but certainly no real barrier if they really wanted to see inside, the exact combination that makes the thing all that much more enticing to a child. However, they are old enough to know what kinds of things they really don't want to have to know about their parents.
I don't know how long it will take to get our small padlock in place on this blog. In the meantime, i'm inviting readers through blogger's mechanisms. I know this gets to some folks through reader. I don't have everyone's' addresses to invite, so please email me (greengirliam at gmail dot com) if you would like to be invited. This process feels terribly "cliquey high school girl" to me, and i apologize about that. Certainly my hope is to be just there and open soon enough. i just don't know how long that will be.
Why am i back?
Needing to close down for awhile actually would have been an opportune moment for me to fade away altogether
I do feel like i wonder less - or at least less desperately - than i used to.
I have less exciting stuff to talk about in general - there just isn't as much shiny and new happening (it's been 4 years at this point - guess it's time to admit we're no longer novices or honeymooners)
Sometimes writing about our relationship feels like it somehow detracts from actually relating - do it, don't just talk about it....
There are no longer lots of drafts sitting in my drafts folder, and the ones that are there are from fairly long ago. I had started to get comfortable with writing only when i felt the urge, when there was something i needed to straighten out in my head. It was good for me to be less focused on needing to have something to write about.
And honestly - once i had a moment to breathe and a few spare brain cells not overloaded with other things - it hit me that it might actually be good for me to walk away - time and mental effort i could probably use elsewhere and all that.
This blog has a strange place for me -
I've missed the inter-activeness, the community, and the friends I've made.
It has been how and where i take apart and look at how i feel about things between me and Him. And i have never in my life been one to take things apart and examine how i feel about them. Quite the opposite in fact.
And i think this is part of why i need to keep this up for the time being. It is, as it turns out, good for me to think about how i feel, to try to understand that side of myself. And in the time i've been unable to blog, even trying to write things in other formats, or to send them just to my husband, wasn't as effective.
I imagine that if i tried, I could learn to work with a different format. I do talk to him, and even write - but i seem to have learned this kind of thinking in this way and it just plain works best this way right now.
And finally - He wants me to continue: he will allow me to stop if i really wish. But he would like me to keep writing here. He likes hearing me. He likes the access to the inside of my head. And he likes my writing (that last one he made me say out loud to him - it took 5 tries - i'm not good at saying nice things about myself).
So i will keep working on the technical issues and hope they are adequate. They are, in reality, like the small lock we have on our toybox: enough to make it clear that there is something we wish to keep hidden, but certainly no real barrier if they really wanted to see inside, the exact combination that makes the thing all that much more enticing to a child. However, they are old enough to know what kinds of things they really don't want to have to know about their parents.
I don't know how long it will take to get our small padlock in place on this blog. In the meantime, i'm inviting readers through blogger's mechanisms. I know this gets to some folks through reader. I don't have everyone's' addresses to invite, so please email me (greengirliam at gmail dot com) if you would like to be invited. This process feels terribly "cliquey high school girl" to me, and i apologize about that. Certainly my hope is to be just there and open soon enough. i just don't know how long that will be.
Monday, February 4, 2013
when the universe nudges
My curious, very observant, savvy, and highly internet/tech immersed son wandered casually by this evening and glanced at my open URL over my shoulder (no title visible, just boring words, and a URL) and of course wanted to know what mom reads.
Guess what URL mom had up?
Thank goodness for stat counter.
I'll be going private for awhile - till i figure out whether to ... well - not sure what yet.
But it wouldn't take long for him to go from "Interesting blog mom reads." to, "Oh, crap, that's her."
Guess what URL mom had up?
Thank goodness for stat counter.
I'll be going private for awhile - till i figure out whether to ... well - not sure what yet.
But it wouldn't take long for him to go from "Interesting blog mom reads." to, "Oh, crap, that's her."
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