He never spanks, canes, beats, etc for punishment - containment and realignment yes - reestablishment of roles sometimes...for his fun or mine, for his need, or ours, but not in anger and not as punishment or retribution.
I know this. He has never wavered on this.
Still - sometimes, when he comes at me a little more harshly than i had expected, or out of the blue, or it goes pretty far past the fun/arousal stage - it can feel like there is a message i'm supposed to be getting. So i ask "what did i do"...and he (without pausing) just assures me i did nothing wrong - this is just what he felt like doing.
He knows i have those doubts sometimes. So this time he assured me beforehand, "I want to play rough, i'm not angry or upset or unhappy with you, it is just what i want this morning. It has been awhile, are you prepared for this?" He also asked me to repeat to him my words, just as he does every time he knows we will have more than a little time together.
He has gotten very good at reading me, and at taking me mentally where he wants me to go. It's lovely in fiction that the Dom always knows the sub so much better than she knows herself, even though they've just met... For us, however, it has taken practice, and communication, and each of us learning - ourselves as much as each other.
He can take me to a quivering mass of pure arousal and need. He can take me to subspace, long and building until harsh feels simply lovely. He can take me through anger and frustration to tears and depletion and absolution.
This time he took me to rage. Through anger, through desperation, past tears, to pure animal rage. He kept building - faster, harder, more and more sensitive places... There was no fear, there was no wondering what i had done to anger him, there was no ability for me to be rational or to get myself under control, or even communicate except through screams.
I did have the awareness of being out of control and unable to calm myself at all or to cooperate with him. Always before, i've been able to go along with him, at least mentally, even through tears or fighting the binds. This time i couldn't. And i don't think i was afraid, so much as i think i didn't know if it was right to be that way, if it was in fact ok to be out of control of myself, or it it was wrong.
So i yellowed.
And he slowed down and changed tactics.
But i was still mid-rage. I was stuck, up on a plateau of pure anger and lashing out. Removing the stimulus didn't weaken the storm; it was self sustaining by that point.
I don't really remember what he did to calm me down, i know it took time, the storm had to blow for a bit, and then he helped. But eventually i was me and i was back in his arms.
We talked. He says he knew there is a wall at the top of that particular mountain, that he has seen it and gone around or a gone different direction from it before. He didn't realize that particular wall was so hard, but he wants to know what is on the other side. He thinks there may be something good, something deeper and good for me on the other side.
I think it's going to be a very interesting process to get there.