Monday, February 18, 2013


He never spanks, canes, beats, etc for punishment - containment and realignment yes - reestablishment of roles sometimes...for his fun or mine, for his need, or ours, but not in anger and not as punishment or retribution.

I know this.  He has never wavered on this.

Still - sometimes, when he comes at me a little more harshly than i had expected, or out of the blue, or it goes pretty far past the fun/arousal stage - it can feel like there is a message i'm supposed to be getting.  So i ask "what did i do"...and he (without pausing) just assures me i did nothing wrong - this is just what he felt like doing.

He knows i have those doubts sometimes.  So this time he assured me beforehand, "I want to play rough, i'm not angry or upset or unhappy with you, it is just what i want this morning.  It has been awhile, are you prepared for this?"  He also asked me to repeat to him my words, just as he does every time he knows we will have more than a little time together.

He has gotten very good at reading me, and at taking me mentally where he wants me to go.  It's lovely in fiction that the Dom always knows the sub so much better than she knows herself, even though they've just met...  For us, however,  it has taken practice, and communication, and each of us learning - ourselves as much as each other.

He can take me to a quivering mass of pure arousal and need.  He can take me to subspace, long and building until harsh feels simply lovely.  He can take me through anger and frustration to tears and depletion and absolution.

This time he took me to rage.  Through anger, through desperation, past tears, to pure animal rage.  He kept building - faster, harder, more and more sensitive places...  There was no fear, there was no wondering what i had done to anger him, there was no ability for me to be rational or to get myself under control, or even communicate except through screams.

I did have the awareness of being out of control and unable to calm myself at all or to cooperate with him.  Always before, i've been able to go along with him, at least mentally, even through tears or fighting the binds.  This time i couldn't.  And i don't think i was afraid, so much as i think i didn't know if it was right to be that way, if it was in fact ok to be out of control of myself, or it it was wrong.

So i yellowed.

And he slowed down and changed tactics.

But i was still mid-rage.  I was stuck, up on a plateau of pure anger and lashing out. Removing the stimulus didn't weaken the storm; it was self sustaining by that point.

I don't really remember what he did to calm me down, i know it took time, the storm had to blow for a bit, and then he helped.  But eventually i was me and i was back in his arms.

We talked.  He says he knew there is a wall at the top of that particular mountain, that he has seen it and gone around or a gone different direction from it before.  He didn't realize that particular wall was so hard, but he wants to know what is on the other side.  He thinks there may be something good, something deeper and good for me on the other side.

I think it's going to be a very interesting process to get there.


  1. WOW you and he are truly not new to this anymore. Where you were, where he took you and that he saw that was a place to explore are all very powerful indeed. This process might be your most enlightening yet.

    1. Sir J,
      I think it is time for me to accept that it's not all new, maybe accept that we know some stuff, so i can be open to learning what's still ahead. I think this avenue will be interesting, won't happen overnight, and i do think there is something worthwhile on the other side of that wall. Oddly i don't have any guess as to what, but i don't want to guess either, i think it's something that needs to happen without my conscious input. And, really, it might be tough for me to keep my brain out of it. Thank you.

  2. GG--Wow this is very intense and some serious mental territory to be going through together. Breaking through walls is always better when we don't have to go it alone.

    1. Bleuame,
      It was incredibly intense, i was a way i haven't felt since i was very young. It's a wall, a thing i had no idea was there, and i would not have found it, or tackled it on my own. Definitely only a possibility because of him. Thank you.

  3. Very interesting, gg. You don't say whether or not this was a positive experience overall. I'm curious because we have encountered this same wall before, and so far, it's been negative every time we get there--in fact, it's one of our biggest hurdles. Is it that way for you as well?

    1. Jake,
      In writing about it - i looked at it and thought that it should scare me, or make me nervous, or upset. But it doesn't. There was no fear or trepidation. I was upset with myself for calling yellow, for not hanging in, but my husband was stern about my not second guessing myself over that. I have moved into anger with rougher play before - he has always changed the tempo or location or intensity just enough to get me around it or through it but more gently. He keeps it at a level that is still intense, but which i can manage, I can stay with him. He backs off just enough to let me catch up to him, but not so much that i feel like he's had to give up on my account. It's also a momentum thing - if he backed way off - i would be left in that anger - if he changes tack just enough i can go through.

      This time he didn't back off or change tack - he got faster and more intense. I think there was a strong potential for it to end badly, i don't remember what he did to bring me down, i know that not backing down from me was a big part of it - i know i fought him. He gave me room but stood firm - i know that had he gotten solicitous and loving - i would not have responded well.

      I don't know if that helps or not - i hope a little maybe. Thanks.

    2. It does, and perhaps you've laid your finger on the issue for me with Joy. When she gets mad, I back off. Perhaps that's the problem. It bears thinking on...


  4. This is very interesting! I've started at the rage level, and he has used pain to calm me down. But thinking about it going the opposite way and the fact that you didn't "yellow" before it got to that point, well that is just very interesting how it's all progressing. I'm glad you are back to sharing with us for I bet you really needed to write/think/wonder about this particular session.

  5. Serenity.
    Very interesting, because i can't imagine how it would work, what you describe. Would you ever consider writing about that? And thank you - it is good and helpful to be back writing.