But i hate discovering blogs and the last entry just leaves you wondering what happened, how things turned out, where it went from there... Or blogs you follow to some extent and they seem to be going along and then just stop. I always wonder about that.
So - I don't know that this is goodbye. I hate clicking links and finding that the name of a blog i used to like now sells pantyhose or used cars or some such crap. So i think i will stay as long as it stays safe. But i really don't feel the call to write here anymore. Given that i felt most compelled when i was most angsty - this is a good thing. I love the interactions - and people - this has brought into my life. I have felt odd about commenting on other blogs lately because i don't write - have essentially disappeared. Maybe this will make me more comfortable that way.
I feel like things are both very stable and on the cusp of big changes - and oddly, i feel very good about both. I feel like power exchange and kink are both part of us and not going away. I worried about that for a very long time - i love this way of being - and i would miss it if whatever circumstances meant it would go away. I worried that it would be replaced by resentment - that its loss would have meant a failure somewhere and then regret and resentment. But we've changed and evolved and grown and backtracked and imploded and leapt ahead, and have come out stronger on the other side each time. So i have faith that it will certainly change and evolve, but that we have the power to decide what we do and how we grow, we have the power to decide how to respond to the inevitable changes life brings.
I have faith in him. That's different than trust. I have always trusted him, our whole lives together - I've never mis-trusted him. That extended to power exchange and to physical submission without missing a beat. I haven't always had faith - I've worried and fretted that he was doing this in a bid to keep me, because he thought he had to, to please me, to take care of me (because that's what he does, has always done), to humor me, etc, etc... I've fretted that i come up with the ideas and he may choose to do something or not - but that it is always my idea. I've worried that i'm too much for him, a bother, a pain in the ass (that one he will say is true). But I have come to have faith in him - that he truly is leading this in exactly the way he wants it to go - when that happens to overlap with what i want, and when it doesn't. I have faith that this is good and right for him, and for us.
So we are stable - more so than ever - but we are on the cusp of life changes - becoming empty nesters, new phases in our careers, different routines, different obligations, different focus... And i am excited (and more than a bit nervous) to see where things go, what new forms power exchange takes, what diabolical ideas he has, what plain old life looks like through this lens.
Maybe i'll be back, maybe not - but this is where we are now. And it is good.