Tuesday, January 27, 2015


I have been keeping an absolute death grip on my feelings, my emotions, hope, optimism, anything feeling remotely vulnerable.  Locked down tight.  I let little tiny bits out, little trickles, just cracking the lid to peek, when i know it's safe, when i'm sure i can and must turn it right back off. It's hard, i'm not functioning at 100%, i'm on edge and unfocused, to say the least.

I think in his own way, he is doing something similar.  His looks different, but neither of us is whole, neither of us is truly open and unguarded.  We are caring and loving and supportive and forgiving, and sincere between us, and with the boys; we are just fine as far as the rest of the world knows, but we aren't really us with each other.

We also haven't had time or privacy or focus to maintain many of the small physical reminders of us: no caning, no play, very little service.  What remains is often rote; important to keep up, but without deeper impact.  What we do and how we interact is not a game, a role-play, or a put-on.  It is real, meaningful, and important to us both.  But it is not the most important thing right now.  This is our choice, we make it together and without reservation or hesitation.  But we each feel the loss none-the-less.

We had three hours alone together today, and maybe 30 minutes of it we could spare.  I asked him, ungracefully and haltingly, if he would please beat me - i think i said beat, maybe cane?  He said he would.

He used just the crop and the cane, his hand on my back the whole time.  Nothing fancy, just him and me and pain and surrender.

My mind wouldn't quiet the way it usually does.  I fought him, willing my body to be still, but not really surrendering for a long time.   The fear and the grief and the worry and the emotions i've kept locked down for 3 weeks swirled and collided and made themselves known.  I was able finally to release my grip, to break down, to breathe, to open.

I'm wrung out now, and the locks are back on, for now.  But I think i will sleep and i think tomorrow will be better.

Friday, January 23, 2015

how does he....and how do I

How does he manage to take care of all 4 of us?  And do his job?  Under more difficult and constrained circumstances?  And manage all the new logistics?  And do what he needs to do to keep himself healthy and functioning?  And hold up under this new and overwhelming state we are forced into?  And manage to be there for me?  To to offer, actually, to insist on being my support?

And what can I do to support him?

Friday, January 16, 2015

in an instant

Absolutely everything changes.

One of my sons has had an extremely serious health crisis.  I know, but i can't really let myself contemplate, how close it was that he wouldn't still be with us.

He is out of immediate danger but has a very long road ahead of him, ahead of us.  And the threat still hangs over us,  and will for a long time.

Everything is different now: constant vigilance, our attention pulled away from the usual things, exhaustion, juggling, trying to hold it all together, not breaking down, not breaking.

Taking care of him is first right now, but also trying to to maintain some kind of normal for our other son, and for us quite frankly.  I know how important it is that we (my husband and I) stay together, stay strong, stay open and connected.

For many reasons, my husband is the one whose job is modified for the time being, which means that for now, he is home during the day and i go to work.  That is hard for me, though i knew it would be. Having him do more here, do things i previously did, is just so necessary right now that i can't really worry about it.  I kind of knew that would be the case as well.  And talk of us, work (and play) towards the 'us' is random and intermittent and very odd, which also seems inevitable and unavoidable.

What has surprised me, and what bothers me and worries me right now are some of my responses.  I'm still obeying, still doing the things i am supposed to do; i've had no impulse or thought of taking off my collar and chucking it all till life is simpler again.  It is all so solid that i really do fall back on it for support rather than find it an added burden.  That's a good surprise i guess.

But, while i find it easy to do and to obey, i am finding it extremely difficult, often impossible, to be open and intimate with him.  I'm horny, very, which makes absolutely no sense at all.  But i can't let him comfort me.  His hand on my shoulder, a hug, holding hands, cuddling - all make me break down, or cringe, or panic.  I know he needs the contact and the intimacy and he needs me open and he needs comfort too.  But i can't see a way through this.  I don't know how.....

Saturday, January 3, 2015

young love

Last night my younger son went to a friend's house to watch a movie with a group of friends.  Some pointed/explicit questions led to the admission that the girl he has gone out with several times/girl he texts all the time/girlfriend???  would also be there.  That led to a discussion about being up front with us/trust/etc.....  He loved it, i'm sure.

It also led me to wonder - not explicitly mind you - really only in general terms, because - this is my son - and, well - no explanation needed.  But i wondered how much has changed since i was 15 or 16.

I remember the constant chatter at school - who was doing what with whom, and the obvious, inevitable conclusion that the boys were heroes and the girls sluts for being their respective halves of the exact same activities.  The boys of course wanted to be with the sluts - but, god forbid - not date them.  It was a contradiction that, at the time, felt completely normal, natural; so much was so inherently different by gender that this was just one more piece of the natural order of things.

I remember the intense thrill of just holding hands, of just being near the object of your affection, of kissing for hours.  [I remember the intensity of what comes next, and next too, but not going there right now].  And i remember the absolutely overwhelming horniness - the enormous feeling of desire that i  had no good idea what to do with.

I remember the incredible awkwardness of being with my first boyfriend.  I remember trying, oh so subtly, to nudge him on to the next (very small) step, to let him know I would be open to him moving his hands just a bit further, off his own thigh and maybe onto mine, or my knee, or something.  And i remember being absolutely crushed when he finally figured it out and told me straight up that he didn't want to be with a slut.  That was of course the end of that relationship.  And it added one more piece to the increasingly confused picture of my own sexuality in my head.

So, i do imagine that boys are still heroes and girls are still sluts for the exact same exploits, but i do wonder if 30 years or so has brought any progress at all to the minefield of young love.