I wanted this thing I had discovered. No - I responded to this, and what I wanted a great deal was to respond - to him.
He's not a prude, nor did I really think he would dismiss me or consider me sick or immoral. But I was terrified that such a huge change would drive him away, that it wouldn't work for us and that the regrets and the failure would be too much to overcome.
But we moved forward. Over the past 5 years as we moved from bedroom to 24/7, I've wondered and reflected and worried and feared and thought myself in circles over things. I know he has considered things too; though, what he shares with me generally gets summed up as, "Any hole, any time."
The wanting isn't as all consuming as it was early on, but it's still often there and often very strong. I want to respond to him. The difference is that now I know I do, and I know it's not just my body - my mind and my being look to him. It's a palpable feeling this desire to submit to him. And when he grabs that desire and plays with it, uses it, turns it around and stretches it to his desire - it's a glorious feeling.
I don't know where the next 5 or 10 or 30 years will take us. I worry that this thing that we've found that seems to suit us both so well will fade away. Can it really last with outside pressures and life changes and our bodies aren't getting any younger and - well - everything?
I haven't reached perfect submission yet. I still find myself testing and poking and balking at surprising times. I wish the reins were tighter here, maybe looser there, or that he would just pull out the (metaphorical) whip and really take control.
One of the few overarching, more abstract rules he has for me is that I try to be optimistic, to see the possibility and not the negative in things. It's a rule because it's not easy for me sometimes. The chance I took (and that he took also) 5 years ago has been so worthwhile. I hope we continue to take the right kinds of chances.