Sunday, January 30, 2011

he's teaching me

Another entry in the category, "I never would have guessed..."  My husband has decided he would like me to own (and wear - sometimes) a corset.  Just saying those words sounds weird.  I seriously never would have thought... 

But he does, and so, after hours of research and websurfing, we decide on an off-the-shelf model to start.  One has been purchased.  (Actually two, because i was convinced the first one would not fit properly, and even off-the-shelf, they take a long time to be delivered, and i need it in time for the party I'm busy not thinking about - in two weeks.)  Turns out, the second (above - except on me, not her) does fit much more nicely than the first - which is good, because the first looked quite awful and I'm having a little trouble with this whole area anyhow. 

Part of my ambivalence right now is that this is something people wear to achieve an "ideal" look or form.   I don't have that form, steel and laces or not. I look a far cry from the pictures in the online catalog.  It is hard enough for me to accept myself as is, much less in something that is "trying" to make me look more ideal.  That's my difficulty, from my female mind point of view.

I really don't understand the male POV on this one either though.  For many of the things he does, I can imagine what the appeal is for him.  With this, beyond the resultant body shape, i just can't relate or imagine it.  And since I'm not feeling like i really offer that visual, that leaves a blank space in my understanding.   Not that i need to understand why he wants what he wants, per se.  But, really, to feel like i'm doing or presenting something he would value - I have to believe he likes and wants it.  If I can't imagine why - then I have to learn it, or be shown.  That would take time - time to play with it, time to see him enjoy it.

And that is exactly what happened.  He played with it - more to the point - he played with it on me, with me in it.  He appreciated it, had fun with it, was clearly affected (intensely aroused), and had that Cheshire cat grin that tells me so much.  And this teaches me - it teaches me both that it is about the visual or the overall effect or the form he enjoys, not what i perceive or think he should enjoy.  It is about his aesthetic, not mine.   Also - it doesn't matter that i can't imagine why it works for him, it does, and that is something I want to offer him.   

Thursday, January 27, 2011

should I wonder?

Do other people wonder what's inside his (or her) head?   Wonder what he's up to?  Not to try to second guess, in the sense of criticize or tear down, but to just wonder? 

I can't shut my brain off.  I wonder. Why did he do that?  What was going through his mind then?  I wonder what he meant by that?   How does he feel about this?  What should i read into what he said or did?  What's the plan?  Where is it all going? 

These thoughts come into my head completely unbidden, before I even realize they are on the way, they've fully formed, and connected with other thoughts, and gone through three iterations of analysis.

Of course we talk, and of course he will answer my questions - except there are questions he won't answer.  He will be open with me about how he feels about things, about me,  about how he wants things to be.  But there are definite areas he won't discuss with me.  Naturally, I even try to analyze the meaning behind the patterns of what he will  or won't talk about.

That is one of the biggest differences now vs. before.  The equality of what each of us is expected to share of our thoughts and feelings is no longer.  He decides how much he is willing to talk about with me, and he decides how much i should be open about also.  

So - do other people do this?  Or am i out of control?  Is this not really submitting, or submissive? 

I stink at metacognition - actually - that's not quite right - I can see very well what my brain is doing and where it's going, I even see a lot of the why.  I do parse and analyse, it's a steady stream of consciousness going pretty much all the time.  I am certain though that it isn't of the flavor, "You should have done this and not that."  It isn't second guessing or critiquing.  If his actions or words are unclear or somehow strike me wrong, then i am up front with him about that.  I ask for and he provides clarification.  My internal dialogue is not a running rant or nag, it doesn't have good/bad judgements to it.

But is it somehow disrespectful?  Or show a lack of submission or surrender, or something?   What i do stink at is making my mind do what i want it to do, training it to focus on certain things, and to stay clear of other areas. So I'm not sure I could stop the wondering in any case. 

Sunday, January 23, 2011

focus on the pain

Reading about pain was as big a part of falling into this whole thing for me; it triggered something undeniable in me. We have been discovering a world of sensations and responses and uses for pain since we began.

My responses i think have changed over time - or my tolerance - or my focus maybe.  Spanking at first felt awkward and a bit silly and odd and maybe humiliating, among many other things.  But the rush of emotions and sensations and the thrill of it - all made it an overwhelming experience   I remained mentally focused right there - my mind couldn't wander. 

Over time - as the my submission of our dynamic grew to include a lot of other areas of life - pain, and particularly spanking, or impact play -  became less a really fun, erotic diversion and more an integral part of how we communicate and how we connect.  It had less of the overwhelming newness - the first kiss butterflys as it were - but it came to have more flavors, more moods, more depth. It said more things.  And sometimes it went surprising places - some amazing, some not so good, some just surprising.

He rarely pulls me over his knee - he also doesn't use his hand often.  The other night he did both - but in the gentlest, most sensuous way imaginable.  Rubbing and caressing and spanking.  But spanking with just the right touch - an impact and then a bloom of warmth and tingle - that's all, over and over.  Add some roaming fingers to the mix and i was quickly over the top - a surprise to us both. 

Later the same night the flavor changed.  I was face down and with my ankles and wrists secured to the corners of the bed, and I was assured i would be that way for some time.  He progressed through various implements, but he started easy and manageable, moving around and building slowly.  I found myself not approaching the edge of panic as i sometimes do.  I was able to focus on my breathing and on experiencing each strike.  I felt the initial sting of the crop or the heavy thud of the flogger. I felt the vibrations through my flesh, i felt the waves travel out from the center, i felt the warmth start and then spread, following the waves of vibrations.  Then the tingling as the pain sunk in, then spread, then dissipated. 

After awhile, the pain began to build on itself as he struck already red and tender areas again and again.  I cried and sobbed and then did start to approach that edge of panic.  Especially with the cane, it was very difficult to focus and not slip into panic.  But each time I started to slip, he touched me, my arm, my leg, and he talked me through it.  I don't remember the words, but mostly I think telling me to focus on the pain.  It doesn't make sense now, but at the time it worked.  Focusing on the feelings, the sensations of each blow, even as they became sharper and harder and much more intense, focusing on the pain let me handle the pain. 

How did he know?

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

hypotheticals and limits

There is one hard limit my husband has: our relationship is to be between just the two of us.  He means the obvious - neither of us is to be physically intimate with someone else.  Yup - ok - that is how our marriage is, I considered it an absolute given anyhow. 

He also means that neither of us is to become emotionally involved with someone else in the way that he and I are.  That one is a little trickier - but it means that there should not be elements of a D/s dynamic or power exchange with anyone else. I have little opportunity for that to happen in any case, but i can see that it would be harder to identify or monitor.  Also there are aspects to a D/s dynamic that have nothing to do with sex, so - how would that fit in?  I think that's actually an interesting topic and I know very little about it, but again, no real opportunity, so i'm not going looking for hypothetical trouble.

Someone asked me the other day how i felt about playing/scening with another couple.  She was mentally exploring scenarios and asking where i would be interested in fitting in, and where i thought i really could.  What i would be interested in ended up being quite a few different scenarios.  She set the scene, so to speak, for some fantasizing in directions I hadn't thought about before, and, well, it worked for me. 

As to what I really could do - what would my husband be comfortable with is one question and what do i really think i could do or try is a very different one.  In talking about this with my husband, it became clear that the lines can blur a little and that made us think about what means what to us.  There is a whole host of activities that aren't in and of themselves erotic or sexual - spanking, clothespins, ropes, candles, etc... But between him and me, these are all very erotic, very sexual, and very arousing.  I think that, even with someone else, there would need to be already, or there would be created, some kind of intimate emotional connection around these activities.  But that part, I don't know, I just don't have the experience.

And what could i really do?  what are my real, actual limits - I just don't know.  There are obviously people out there who know how to do things we don't, people who know how to use techniques my husband doesn't.  We have the rest of our lives to learn, and I expect we will have fun trying.  But there are some things he is likely never going to want to try. Just because some of those things play into my fantasies, could I really participate, submit to them in reality?  Along the same lines, playing intimately with another person/people is not on the menu, but could I really even if it were? 

I have decided that there are things that are very strong fantasies precisely because they are not going to become reality.  The fact that they are purely hypothetical is what makes them safe to consider.  If they became, even potentially, real - I'm not at all sure I would feel the same way about them.  I suppose that's the part that makes fantasies just that.   

Monday, January 17, 2011

....but, I thought...

I thought i had a pretty fair idea of him, of who he is, what he would want, who he wants us to be, where we were going.  This meant coming to terms with some disappointments about directions i had hoped to explore, but which seemed clear he didn't.  Overall, his direction has been successful, and for me, the (continuous) act of  following his direction has been good for me.  So i figured we were where we were going, there might be small changes and some tweaks here and there, but i had learned what to expect and expected it to remain that way. 

One thing about being able to predict something is that it gives you at least a small bit of control, more than you would have in an unpredictable situation.  That's why people don't like change, right?  If you don't know how someone will respond or what will happen in a given circumstance, you have no control over the situation.  If  you know "if i do X, this will happen..." that gives you some control, or maybe influence, or at least the illusion of control.  I obviously still go round and round about the concept of control.

But apparently we weren't where we were going, or we are going to keep going, or something.  Suddenly, he is doing things i never thought he would, saying things i hadn't expected to hear, wanting things i didn't think he was interested in...

The big things are, obviously, easier to see, have a certain shock value, and lots of reverberations.  So - we are going to a public event: I have found an organization and they are sponsoring a party the weekend we will be there, and they have granted us permission to attend.  [insert huge *oh, shit* here].  One of the less obvious implications if this is that this is the first time he has done something that is a mental more than a physical challenge to me - and this one is huge, not exactly humiliation, but something akin to that for me, and a completely new - what - new toy/tool  for him.   

I'm sure i will write more as i allow myself to even think about it - but he has made it clear that we are going not just to watch, and that mid-western business casual is not what i will be wearing.  I know this sounds like a fun evening, or at least an interesting adventure, to many of you.  I'm a wuss, so this absolutely screws with my mind.

The smaller, more subtle changes have an even bigger impact though.  He is paying attention to things he never has before, using words i didn't expect to hear, pushing in small ways here and there.  It feels more long term, it feels like a cinching down and tightening up, or a tack more into the wind.  It is clear we are still moving and that i don't know the direction ahead of time.  It is disconcerting and puts me off balance because it is change and it is less predictable, I have less control, or less illusion of it in any case.  But it is also comforting, and exciting, and arousing  because i have less control, and because it is being cinched down and tightened up, and because i have to follow.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

i've been tasked

The alternate title for this was, "never in a million years," because i would never have expected this to be a possibility.

I am going to a conference in a far away city next month and my husband is going to be able to join me for the weekend at the end of it, a nice and very unusual chance for us to do something fun, just the two of us.  Last week he asked me to find "something related to BDSM" that we could do while there.  I thought along the lines of rent a movie or maybe, maybe visit a toy store.  He corrected me - see if it is possible to find a club or event. 

It is absolutely impossible for me to express the degree to which that shocked me.  My husband is not a "joiner." He is sociable and outgoing, and joins in for things that need him to contribute, like scouts, church, etc.  But he doesn't join groups for his own areas of interest.  He runs, and he studies about running on his own zealously, but has never been intrested in joining a local running club.  He is also very private about personal matters, our relationship and certainly our sex life are kept very closely between just us.  The idea of participating in a group on the basis of and about our relationship and sex life is still unfathomable to me.

So - why?  The far away-ness of the city helps, no doubt.   His answer/explanation is that he wants to learn more.  I have introduced the ideas of ttwd to us, and i read and look around for ideas and further understanding.  For a variety of reasons, it is much harder for him to immerse himself online or otherwise try to reaserch this kind of thing.  I have talked to him in the past about the fact that it is sometimes hard for me to align the roles of submissive and "teacher" in this.  

So - this completely unexpected, seemingly completely out of character step is something he is doing for me.  He will tell me, once he reads this, that it is for us, and so it is.  But it is something huge and, yes - to benefit both of us, the entity that is us.  But also - something huge, because he loves me; and i can't really put into words yet how hard it is for me to have something like this done for me.  I'm not good at having things done for me. 

And I'm not even letting my brain go near the big box of anxieties and fears about actually doing such a thing.  What if it does turn out to be a real possibility?  I have to push down reluctance and shyness in meeting a room full of PTO moms, how am i possibly going to manage this?  What about the fact that he and i  have no sort of protocol at all and I have no idea whatsoever how to behave in this situation?  What about dressing?  Unless mid-western business casual counts as fetish wear, I'm SOL.....

I think I'm getting way too close to that box now. 

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

blow jobs on demand

A question someone else asked me promted me to ask him if he thought we would live this way the rest of our lives.  I told him about my friend's question and that I had answered her that I expected our dynamic would evolve and change and maybe someday be unrecognizable to what it is today.  I added that I hoped that whatever did happen - it was by mutual desire - not a unilateral shift. 

He agreed, somewhat vaguely, but remarked that there was one thing he would never change - no matter what - blow jobs on demand.

Turns out that was both a sincere statement of his intentions, and a not so subtle hint for the immediate future.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

shifting sight

We talk each night he is home- after we get in bed.  He started this some time ago and I still find it the most difficult of the things he asks me to do, and the one that has had the biggest impact on our relationship.  On the rare occasions we are together but not able to do this, i feel a pang of worry and a bit adrift. 

He is looking for my absolutely honest thoughts and feelings about him, about us, about my submission.  It is hard for me to bring him my thoughts in this way because I feel that what iIbring him is mostly negative.  The good stuff is easy, I tell him along the way, all day long.  My doubts and worries and misunderstandings and anything i perceive as a critique of him gets pushed down and put aside, but eventually has to come out.

Sometimes I have good things to say too though.

A few nights ago I explained to him that I felt an internal shift in myself.  I am typically a worrier.  I mull over details trying to parse out their meanings and hidden implications.  I get mired down in the minutae of what I did or didn't do, what he did or didn't do, how things should have gone or should be.  You get the picture....

But recently I find myself taking a longer view and seeing the bigger picture.  I have no idea why this shift occurred, but it has allowed me to feel much more comfortable with everything.  I can see the details, and I address them if they need to be addressed, but they don't paralyze me.  I feel comfortable with us, I am relaxed with what we are here and now and I look forward to our future.  I feel a better balance between the ttwd aspects of us and our everyday life, family life, and work lives.  [Of course there is a tiny part of my brain that worrries that there is something I ought to be worrying about, something I am missing.]

It seems that this shift in my way of seeing things has affected what I see as well.  Last night, I told him I felt like he was changing the way he interacted with me, small things and subtle, but clearer to me, more in control of me, better for me.  I listed several situations or things he had said that seemed different to me, just easier and more natural.  He said he was glad I was seeing this, but that he hadn't changed anything: he had been doing those things for some time, I had just now noticed.

I keep circling back to this, I know.  But each circle back, I think, is to a little bit deeper kind of understanding of it.  On one level, the message is: "it really does all fall into place and work so much better if I stop trying to figure it out and listen to him."  But I think that's not quite it; I think maybe I can relax and just be me, and know that me being me is what he wants and know that where it isn't what he wants, he will step in.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


My husband said something very offhand to me the other day.  I took it badly to begin with, and then chewed on it for a few days, which of course did nothing to improve it.  He hadn't intended anything deep or profound or even negative with his comment, but it has brought up a lot of questions for me. 

I commented to him, during a quick private moment, just a lingering hug and a few words during a really busy day, that I wanted more and more and more of him.  At the time i was referring to contact, affection, the feeling of him holding me.  It was clear from the context though that i also, these days, want more and more and more of Him - more control, more attention, more play, more sex, more D to my s. 

His comment was that he felt it was all 'just an escape' for me, or 'an escape'.  Honestly, i don't remember if he used the "just" or if i added that in my mind; and it does change the tenor of it all. 

Either way - this devastated me.

It took only split seconds for me to assume he meant that none of it was real, that it was a game, some extended role-playing or a fantasy i was weaving myself into.  Which of course meant that it wasn't real for him, he's just playing along.  I want it to be real, I had believed it was.  I had believed it was growing and evolving, but was a good way for us to live, to live our lives and our marriage and our family - all of it "for real." 

Even worse, it meant that he felt that i was interested in sex with him only as an escape from reality - that i'm not really there with him in that time, that he believed i wander off somewhere else during times that i actually feel most with him.  

How did we get so far apart in our understanding?

I spent most of my childhood escaping - mostly through books, but also through the worlds and adventures I built in my imagination.  Of course I still read, and it is still an escape.  Actually, he does too, voraciously.  For both of us, beyond simply taking us momentarily out of our current reality, reading enriches our imaginations, conceptualizations, and understandings of ourselves and our lives.   

I recognize that blogs and erotic stories and even facebook are all escape, on a lot of levels in fact.  I can take them all at my own pace, especiallly mentally.  I can control the input, the noise, and invest just as much mental energy as i want, or not.  For me, though, they are also learning, and expanding my ideas, and even keeping in contact.  But they are absolutely escape from more mundane or unpleasant things, or from noisy things or things which dicate how much effort is required of me.  Sometimes this is good and useful, sometimes i would be better off facing the more mundane or unpleasant, or noisy. 

The fact is, I want to be really engaged in my life.  I generally really like my life.  I like challenges, and there are a lot of exciting challenges for me right now.  I have a good life - I dont really want to escape it - well maybe sometimes I want to get away from the teenagerness that pervades the household - but otherwise - I didn't feel i was looking to escape this life. 

Eventually he and I were able to talk about this.  Actually, first he had to explain, convince me - again - that he isn't just playing along - that he is really in this too.  I do have to figure out how to vanquish that demon once and for all.

We talked about what he had meant, the ways in which escaping can be seen as a good thing, that I escape to him, or that we escape to each other.   That it is a good thing that i want to run off with him, so to speak.  That it is good for both of us to have breaks from the everday of our lives to just be with each other - in all the ways we do that. 

He pointed out that he runs- for his health - but mostly as a way to escape - literally to escape the house or work, but also mentally to be free to roam.  It is obvious when he isn't able to run as much that this habit, this escape, is good for him. 

So yes, it is an escape for me.  It isn't just an escape though.

And yes - i do want more and more and more.