Saturday, February 23, 2013

mixed feelings

I suppose most of my posts could have that title - but it is what it is today.

The past few weeks have became increasingly difficult for me. Like most things in life - there are a lot of factors.  I have a lot of things happening very quickly at work, most of them really good and exciting things, but work is work, deadlines are deadlines, and stress is stress even if it's the good kind.

The process of figuring out how to relate with our teenager, who is trying very hard to become his own - very, very complex person - is proving very much more trying than i had imagined it would.  The hard parts just aren't at all the parts i imagined they would be.  

Any time or effort to take care of myself had gone out the window.  Way too little sleep and no exercise, no unwinding, only lots and lots of time spent sitting working, and worrying.

I fell apart. The worst part is that my husband was really, really looking forward to having me with him, to being able to spend some time away with me, to just being with me.  And i couldn't give him that.

He was upset, and disappointed  rightly so.  He has arranged things for me to rest - mentally and physically - this is absolutely what i need.  I can't protest or pretend otherwise.

My mixed feelings are around taking care of me and our roles in that.  Clearly i need to, have a responsibility to, owe it to him to, take care of myself.  I guess there's really no ambiguity in that.  I had let myself get far too overwhelmed, not out of laziness or a belief that it wasn't my responsibility, but purely out of being overwhelmed.

I think i started writing this with mixed feelings - maybe along the lines of it not feeling very submissive to be in charge enough of all the things that were going on to manage them properly.  It felt, in fact very independent and disengaged from him, not just while he was away, but for some weeks before that as well.  I've (mostly) reconciled the duality of submission with him vs. how i am at my best with work and the larger world in general.  This had more to do with our lives and my roles within our lives, turning things over to him, relinquishing control vs. being useful and supportive and enjoyable to him.

But - i think i see that it really is my responsibility, that i need to find a way to maintain my submission to him while managing the stressors outside of him.  He will want me to ask for help when i need it, but he will want me to protect myself as well, to not end up in this state again.

Monday, February 18, 2013


He never spanks, canes, beats, etc for punishment - containment and realignment yes - reestablishment of roles sometimes...for his fun or mine, for his need, or ours, but not in anger and not as punishment or retribution.

I know this.  He has never wavered on this.

Still - sometimes, when he comes at me a little more harshly than i had expected, or out of the blue, or it goes pretty far past the fun/arousal stage - it can feel like there is a message i'm supposed to be getting.  So i ask "what did i do"...and he (without pausing) just assures me i did nothing wrong - this is just what he felt like doing.

He knows i have those doubts sometimes.  So this time he assured me beforehand, "I want to play rough, i'm not angry or upset or unhappy with you, it is just what i want this morning.  It has been awhile, are you prepared for this?"  He also asked me to repeat to him my words, just as he does every time he knows we will have more than a little time together.

He has gotten very good at reading me, and at taking me mentally where he wants me to go.  It's lovely in fiction that the Dom always knows the sub so much better than she knows herself, even though they've just met...  For us, however,  it has taken practice, and communication, and each of us learning - ourselves as much as each other.

He can take me to a quivering mass of pure arousal and need.  He can take me to subspace, long and building until harsh feels simply lovely.  He can take me through anger and frustration to tears and depletion and absolution.

This time he took me to rage.  Through anger, through desperation, past tears, to pure animal rage.  He kept building - faster, harder, more and more sensitive places...  There was no fear, there was no wondering what i had done to anger him, there was no ability for me to be rational or to get myself under control, or even communicate except through screams.

I did have the awareness of being out of control and unable to calm myself at all or to cooperate with him.  Always before, i've been able to go along with him, at least mentally, even through tears or fighting the binds.  This time i couldn't.  And i don't think i was afraid, so much as i think i didn't know if it was right to be that way, if it was in fact ok to be out of control of myself, or it it was wrong.

So i yellowed.

And he slowed down and changed tactics.

But i was still mid-rage.  I was stuck, up on a plateau of pure anger and lashing out. Removing the stimulus didn't weaken the storm; it was self sustaining by that point.

I don't really remember what he did to calm me down, i know it took time, the storm had to blow for a bit, and then he helped.  But eventually i was me and i was back in his arms.

We talked.  He says he knew there is a wall at the top of that particular mountain, that he has seen it and gone around or a gone different direction from it before.  He didn't realize that particular wall was so hard, but he wants to know what is on the other side.  He thinks there may be something good, something deeper and good for me on the other side.

I think it's going to be a very interesting process to get there.

He likes it

What i learned about Him and about myself with His New Year's Resolution - he likes things just because he likes them.

and this has been a really important thing for me to know

It came out in a conversation with a friend about how i feel about being caned, or more to the point, how i feel when i'm caned.

ME: caning hurts - not a spread out absorbable pain
  it is a touch fearful
  makes me angry at first
  then i break down
                       and crying seems to be the thing i can do to cope

FRIEND:  and after?
 ME: if it was enough - depleted and cleansed
  if it wasn't enough - maybe still angry or edgy
 FRIEND: can he tell?
 me: yes
  sometimes he asks if i want more - to keep going
 FRIEND: and he leaves you with not enough?
 me: sometimes
 it is a funny thing - like edging towards an orgasm but being denied
 it leaves me still submissive feeling - maybe accepting that this is for him not me that has been a bigger component of all this that hadn't been present before
  maybe i'm not explaining well
 FRIEND: I think you are explaining it very well
 me: if i came to him very out of sorts and asked for it
  he would and does take me all the wayme crawling into his arms wiped out and depleted is - good, crucial, important for him

But it turns out that his willingness, actually - his desire - to do what and how he wants instead of taking me where i want or need to go -  was a subtle but fundamental shift in things for us, for me anyhow. Often he likes what i like and we both end up leaving the interaction/experience happy.  I need sometimes to feel that i am being used for his desires alone and that there is some work or some cost to me to provide that for him.



Why am i back?

Needing to close down for awhile actually would have been an opportune moment for me to fade away altogether

I do feel like i wonder less - or at least less desperately - than i used to.

I have less exciting stuff to talk about in general - there just isn't as much shiny and new happening (it's been 4 years at this point - guess it's time to admit we're no longer novices or honeymooners)

Sometimes writing about our relationship feels like it somehow detracts from actually relating - do it, don't just talk about it....

There are no longer lots of drafts sitting in my drafts folder, and the ones that are there are from fairly long ago.  I had started to get comfortable with writing only when i felt the urge, when there was something i needed to straighten out in my head.  It was good for me to be less focused on needing to have something to write about.

And honestly - once i had a moment to breathe and a few spare brain cells not overloaded with other things - it hit me that it might actually be good for me to walk away - time and mental effort i could probably use elsewhere and all that.

This blog has a strange place for me -

I've missed the inter-activeness, the community, and the friends I've made.

It has been how and where i take apart and look at how i feel about things between me and Him.  And i have never in my life been one to take things apart and examine how i feel about them.  Quite the opposite in fact.

And i think this is part of why i need to keep this up for the time being.  It is, as it turns out, good for me to think about how i feel, to try to understand that side of myself.  And in the time i've been unable to blog, even trying to write things in other formats, or to send them just to my husband, wasn't as effective.

I imagine that if i tried, I could learn to work with a different format.  I do talk to him, and even write - but i seem to have learned this kind of thinking in this way and it just plain works best this way right now.

And finally - He wants me to continue: he will allow me to stop if i really wish.  But he would like me to keep writing here.  He likes hearing me.  He likes the access to the inside of my head.   And he likes my writing (that last one he made me say out loud to him - it took 5 tries - i'm not good at saying nice things about myself).

So i will keep working on the technical issues and hope they are adequate.  They are, in reality, like the small lock we have on our toybox: enough to make it clear that there is something we wish to keep hidden, but certainly no real barrier if they really wanted to see inside, the exact combination that makes the thing all that much more enticing to a child. However, they are old enough to know what kinds of things they really don't want to have to know about their parents.

I don't know how long it will take to get our small padlock in place on this blog.  In the meantime, i'm inviting readers through blogger's mechanisms.  I know this gets to some folks through reader.  I don't have everyone's' addresses to invite, so please email me (greengirliam at gmail dot com) if you would like to be invited.  This process feels terribly "cliquey high school girl" to me, and i apologize about that.  Certainly my hope is to be just there and open soon enough. i just don't know how long that will be.

Monday, February 4, 2013

when the universe nudges

My curious, very observant, savvy, and highly internet/tech immersed son wandered casually by this evening and glanced at my open URL over my shoulder (no title visible, just boring words, and a URL) and of course wanted to know what mom reads.

Guess what URL mom had up?  

Thank goodness for stat counter.

I'll be going private for awhile - till i figure out whether to ... well - not sure what yet.

But it wouldn't take long for him to go from "Interesting blog mom reads." to, "Oh, crap, that's her."

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Being His

How it works, or really, what it means.....for me, for us, my understanding of Us - where we are, for now.

My thoughts are heading about 6 different directions.  Of course part of this line of thought was started by the recent brouhaha. Which led others to discuss what is and is not submissive, or slave for that matter.  And since i tend to read people i agree with, i agreed with, i identified with, actually, i feel in my bones that what i am is His.

His - sums it up - easy to say - and simple - elegantly simple.  But without some thought, "His" provides absolutely no practical guidance.  It sounds lovely, it makes me melt to hear, and i think it has a pretty deep significance for him to know me as His, to know i am His, which makes me very happy also.

One of the biggest things "His" isn't - is just a set of behaviors.  He wants certain behaviors, yes, and certain demeanors, at least - there are demeanors he doesn't want to experience.  And yes - he wants obedience when it comes down to it.   But he wants me thinking and feeling and living and deciding and participating and helping.  He wants me active in all this. He has no time, patience, or desire for dictating or even guiding my every moment.

I think though that he wants me to feel and be, not just act, whatever "His" entails.  And that is where elegantly simple in concept becomes incredibly complex in practice.

And it is where my thoughts head off in so many different directions: other people's definitions of submission or slave, consent, being human, struggling, my needs, having needs, compatibility, what do i believe it is to submit, what does he....

I know all these things have been discussed ad nauseum; in many peoples' minds they've already been decided and the right and wrong of them is clear.  But i am me, and we are us and really - if i'm "His" then by definition - we have to define it for ourselves, (or he has to define it and i accept -there's another interesting question, submissive or not, i do have influence on the dynamic?)

I will likely tackle some of these other ideas someday.  For now - the idea of struggle or resisting is the one that seemed to put people off.  I tend to wonder too much about everything, i even get angsty about my feelings about things.  I had no angst about my feelings on this one.  I often wish i didn't struggle and could submit easily and gracefully and peacefully, but i can't always.  And i don't think that means i am not submissive, although it may be unsubmissive of me in the moment.  But there are, for me, right ways and wrong ways to act on my struggles.

I  have tested and bratted and acted out in the past.  I recognize it now, or i recognize the urge.  It doesn't come from a place of "spoiled little girl wanting to get her way."  It comes from a place of insecurity, feeling unsure of his resolve or interest, feeling at a loss and fearful.  Sometimes that fear and doubt manifest as snark and disrespect, sometimes as a dark mood and pulling away.

The point is though that I do sometimes experience fear and doubt that are very real to me.  Sometimes their root is within me and i need to do the work to move past them.  Sometimes they are in response to changes, doubts, or real struggles he is going through.  Yes - he is not perfect, he is learning and growing and working his way through a human existence also.

To say it bluntly - my struggles don't make me unsubmissive, and his don't make him undominant.

I have, as recently as this week, had a mental storm of thoughts of how unfair it all is, what a huge burden on me; it's my time, my sleep, my work, my focus, and my peace of mind, and did i mention my sleep, being eaten away by life's circumstances.  Not a submissive impulse in sight.  Certainly not a submissive demeanor.  Had i not been alone, there would have been snark and nastiness and a short temper let loose.  Oh, i hide that me at work, and i try to modulate it around friends and usually for my kids, but had He been there, He would have gotten slammed: argument and resistance and attitude and all.

Except that the part of my brain not wrapped up in my little tantrum knew that it was just that.  He has had a hellish week also - worse than mine in reality.  And that non-tantrum, non-overwhelmed part of my self wanted to be able to make some part of his week less hellish for him, wanted to make it better.  That is a submissive impulse.  Of course it's also just basic human decency, caring for the person you love...  Some other day i may try to figure out how being submissive is different from being one part of a loving relationship - or maybe it's not.

I'm coming to see that this journey into submission for me hasn't and isn't going to eradicate my very complex thoughts and emotions, even the not-so-nice ones.  I am going to struggle, even stomp my feet now and then.  On the other hand, I am coming more and more to see that submitting to Him, His way, means taking responsibility for all the parts of me. He wants what is His to work for him, not struggle against him. If i'm not trying, then in fact it isn't submission.