Thursday, June 2, 2016

not goodbye

But i hate discovering blogs and the last entry just leaves you wondering what happened, how things turned out, where it went from there...  Or blogs you follow to some extent and they seem to be going along and then just stop.  I always wonder about that.

So - I don't know that this is goodbye.  I hate clicking links and finding that the name of a blog i used to like now sells pantyhose or used cars or some such crap.  So i think i will stay as long as it stays safe.  But i really don't feel the call to write here anymore.  Given that i felt most compelled when i was most angsty - this is a good thing.  I love the interactions - and people - this has brought into my life.  I have felt odd about commenting on other blogs lately because i don't write - have essentially disappeared.  Maybe this will make me more comfortable that way.

I feel like things are both very stable and on the cusp of big changes - and oddly, i feel very good about both.  I feel like power exchange and kink are both part of us and not going away.  I worried about that for a very long time - i love this way of being - and i would miss it if whatever circumstances meant it would go away. I worried that it would be replaced by resentment - that its loss would have meant a failure somewhere and then regret and resentment.  But we've changed and evolved and grown and backtracked and imploded and leapt ahead, and have come out stronger on the other side each time.  So i have faith that it will certainly change and evolve, but that we have the power to decide what we do and how we grow, we have the power to decide how to respond to the inevitable changes life brings.

I have faith in him.  That's different than trust.  I have always trusted him, our whole lives together - I've never mis-trusted him.  That extended to power exchange and to physical submission without missing a beat.  I haven't always had faith - I've worried and fretted that he was doing this in a bid to keep me, because he thought he had to, to please me, to take care of me (because that's what he does, has always done), to humor me, etc, etc...  I've fretted that i come up with the ideas and he may choose to do something or not - but that it is always my idea.  I've worried that i'm too much for him, a bother, a pain in the ass (that one he will say is true).  But I have come to have faith in him - that he truly is leading this in exactly the way he wants it to go - when that happens to overlap with what i want, and when it doesn't.  I have faith that this is good and right for him, and for us.

So we are stable - more so than ever - but we are on the cusp of life changes - becoming empty nesters, new phases in our careers, different routines, different obligations, different focus...  And i am excited (and more than a bit nervous) to see where things go, what new forms power exchange takes, what diabolical ideas he has, what plain old life looks like through this lens.

Maybe i'll be back, maybe not - but this is where we are now.  And it is good.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

To the rage...

There are things he likes and things he chooses less often.  He loves, loves his canes, and also the crop, and other implements; he chooses hand spanking less often.  He uses spanking to communicate and to accomplish an awful lot of different things as well: never punishment, but definitely discipline; attitude adjustments, mental health maintenance (his, but mostly mine); fun; foreplay; stress relief (his i think,  and mine); re-connection and reminders of our places; and often just because he loves my ass to be hot and red - i think he surprised himself with how much he loves that.  For me, it’s all good - he knows by now very well what i need, how to give me what i need, what he needs, what he can take.  The thing that stands in the way is time, time together just the two of us, time to give it the time it needs, time to explore it more, time/freedom to make the noise.  
It has been a long time since we’ve had that kind of time.  And it has been a time of change and transition and also really, really hard work in both of our lives, professionally and personally.  We have been able to connect maybe the bare minimum necessary to keep us and our dynamic above water, but barely. Last night we had time and he took it. He pushed me harder than he has in a long time.  He pushed beyond pain, and beyond anger and resistance.  
He started with his hand, which should have told me something.  Then he bound my limbs, which also should have told me something.  He moved onto the most wicked of his canes.  He made everything hurt, then he want back to the most painful places and doubled down. He pushed me straight into rage, blind, furious rage.  I know he stopped a few times to whisper good girls into my ear, to tell me this was indeed what he intended and what he knew i needed and what he needed.  That last part - that is the part that let me go on.  Funny how in the midst of irrational fury i could still process that piece. 
He brought me into the rage, kept me there just a bit, then brought me slowly back.  And he was dead right.  I did need it.  It is one part of us and part of what we need.  It’s part of the vocabulary of spanking for us.  

Friday, May 6, 2016

good intentions

So - he’s had an absolute shit week - was supposed to get home days ago and his trip keeps getting extended - and not for fun or nice reasons.  Hence the excerpts …….
Me: Does it help or make it worse for you to know that i am horny as hell and been having thoughts of the other night - or maybe tonight - worshiping you until you release, relax, breathe and fall into a deep sleep
Him: i think i probably will take some of my frustrations out on you this weekend … i need to control something … and i’m not able to control work right now
i love you .. 
I’ve been - well - besides horny beyond the point of distraction - i cannot concentrate at all, my pussy keeps twitching involuntarily - what was i saying —oh yea, i’ve also been feeling very submissive (any chance that’s related to the horniness?), very desirous of being in that space deeply, and very much wanting to be able to turn myself over to making his life easier - 
So the trick will be to keep that mindset through him actually being here in person.  Sometimes - sometimes that gets lost in translation; from what i want in my heart to what happens in the unpredictable, share him with the kids and work and fatigue, messiness of reality.  I have beautiful intentions - but there’s that whole road to hell thing.  So when he sends this  - from the actual airport - meaning he is actually on his way home, and if the stars align we might have 24 hours to ourselves - how is it that my overwhelming urge is to be a total smartass?   

I want you to pack bag of toys for us. 
Only request are the candles 

Otherwise I look forward to being creative with what I find

Good thing it's text and i have a filter between my brain and his ears.

yes sir

Saturday, April 30, 2016

things i should already know

I put things on tumblr for him - things i want to communicate, to show him, things i find intriguing or things i might like or he might like.  Turns out tho that he doesn’t love dick pics the same way i do.
When he grabs me painfully out of the blue, while he is still twisting my nipple is not the right time to say, “I thought you weren’t touching me these days.”  In fact the right answers  in any case are more along the lines of, “Thank you Sir.” or “What else can I do for you Sir?” or apparently  “Ooh la la.”
It’s still better to ask for what i think i need or tell him what i’m struggling with than to keep slogging through because i hate not being able to give him what he wants - still sucks to feel like I’ve failed - but still better than not communicating.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Staying Connected

He’s my husband - but even so, he’s gone some part of most weeks.  And frankly, I suck at staying connected.  I seem to be unable to shift to him when he calls - unable to step out of the reality i’m standing in and focus on being his.  It’s a little better with chat/IM, but he doesn’t always have the ability to do that.  He leaves tasks, and rules, and even a well worn t-shirt for me to wear to bed.  I wear his collar always.  That helps.  
I’m never not his - but i do let my focus shift to so many other things.  He doesn’t want me to be thinking all about him 24/7/365 - He likes that i love my job, he wants me to accept and work towards challenges, he wants me to focus on my children and family and friends and the whole great big world just like anyone.  But he wants me to be able to come to him when he wants me.  
This trip is 10 days and 6 time zones, and no chat.  He left me the tasks of two pictures a day - one of me that i think he will like, and one from the internet that i want him to see.  I’ve been sending them at night and he gets them when he wakes up in the morning.  It’s actually been working pretty well.  I’m thinking about what pictures to take, which ones to choose, what i want to think about and what i want to communicate to him with them - mostly that i’m fine (he wants me to be fine) and that i’m thinking about him and missing him - in general and in specific ways.  
Over the years, I’ve gotten better at shifting between ‘him home’ and ‘him gone’ mode - and he’s gotten better at recognizing when i can’t and helping me get there.  He’s also gotten better at shifting.  He compartmentalizes soooooo much better than i do, but he has to work at it sometimes also.  On the whole, this is just how we have always been - through more than 20 years together and more than 7 years M/s - so i don’t know how it will look or feel or work any other way.  In theory i would love to have him around all the time - but i would still need to divide me among all the parts of my world.  Maybe that is actually easier with him gone sometimes.  Maybe that part is easier for him too.  

Saturday, March 12, 2016


I took off my collar and handed it to you - not as a test or a temper tantrum or to manipulate you - not in that kind of calculated way.  Neither of us plays games like that.  It was pure desperation.  
In order to submit to you the way you want, i have to let myself be vulnerable.  I can  do strong and invulnerable - i did for most of my life.  And in most of my day-to-day i can keep that. But i can’t with you and also be open and listening and following and submitting.  I could in actions - mostly - but you want all of me, not just my actions.  So, with you, I have to stop protecting myself and trust you to do that.  
And - like everyone - sometimes we miss - sometimes spectacularly.  This time, the things that are hardest for me lined up with the things that are hardest for you, and we each mis-understood and guessed wrong and, and, and…  And I felt for all the world like you had walked away and turned your back on me.  I felt un-protected and un-wanted.  
And desperate.  
I’m so glad, was so relieved that you didn’t walk away.  I need you.  And i want to need you.  I will keep working to be what you want and how you want - but this piece i don’t think i can do differently.  Trust must manifest itself in different ways for different people - for me, the hardest and most important trust is that you want me and that you will stay.