Wednesday, December 19, 2012

to serve man

Well - to serve this particular man...

I don't seem to have the right recipe these days....

All the lovely stories - controlled, contained, led along to discover the wonderful world of pain, and pleasure, and being owned.  It would be just challenging enough, but in a feel good, sexy way...

of course, that serves me

but - god - do i want that - i want to walk in the door after work and abdicate all responsibility for anything -  undress, sit quietly somewhere, fetch drinks and wait to be used...

i want the control too - someone to be my personal life coach, to keep me on track, to hold me accountable, to readjust my mood when i get a bit off - that would be useful - and sexy....

He has other ideas though

His ideas involve real life, me having some self control, and oddly - wearing clothes.

This is all tongue-in-cheek.  But it's real also.

He wants to move things, change them, he says "evolve."

I liked where things had been.  Change is scary.

And i am having the hardest time figuring out how to follow, how to let go of my expectations, how to be hopeful about the change (trust?).

And he is having a hard time communicating his wants to me, I think maybe he hasn't got it all completely figured out, exactly where he wants to go or how he wants to be.

Serving seems to involve some very non-sexy things: waiting, trying to remain optimistic when i really want to fall apart, being open to different ways of seeing things, listening instead of assuming, respecting him for trying and learning when i really just want him to provide simple answers.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012


Him:  Am I the right man for you?
Yes, oh God yes, and it terrifies me and makes me spin to hear this question, and i don't even know of any other way to answer this.  Life is huge, you are huge, complex, in my soul and all around - there is so very much to it, to you, to us.... you are absolutely right for me, across all of it.  I wonder every day what i did in my previous life to be so lucky in this one.

But i think what you're really asking is, "are there things you want that I can't give you?"  And there are things i  think about: some are simply fantasies,  some are wishes,  and some are things i think i want, would be good for me...  And that's the rub - yes - there are things i want, or think i want, that you don't give me (I know the same is true for me to you).  

Fantasies are just that - fantastical, not meant to be reality, ever. Wishes are fine - but i've never been one to get lost in wishing and miss the here and now. 

And the last - the things i think i might want, - here's the thing - i don't want you to give me what i want just because i want it, but i do want it to be ok for me to have the wants, i want it to be safe, for you to maybe even use that for yourself.  

And yes - i see the irony, the contradiction.  I'm drowning in irony in fact.  I want, i want, i want - i want you to control all of my wants, but i know you won't entirely do that, and in refusing to do what i want, you are...

It's on me - i need to figure out how to make it work, how to work with you, your way. 

When you described it, what you want for us, your way -  i felt peaceful and joyful and very much yours.   When i try to be that - i feel lost, and very far away from you, and twisted around. 

And i am twisted around - because i can see that it only gets bad when i start wanting, for me.  And then i get trapped in that and can't see beyond myself.

I am working to shift my focus, to follow you.  

Yes - you are the right man for me - absolutely.   Please - I need your help.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

The Great Online (un)Cookie Exchange - Brownies

So simple my kids make them all the time, easy to have the ingredients on hand all the time, and just plain really good brownies.  


2 eggs
1 stick butter (4 oz)
2 oz unsweetened baking chocolate (2 squares)
1 cup sugar
3/4 cup all purpose flour
1 tsp vanilla
1 Tbsp powdered cocoa
4 oz kahlua liquor or 6 oz strong cold coffee
gently heat butter and baker's chocolate on the stovetop
beat eggs
add small amount of butter/chocolate to egg and stir to temper then add the rest then stir
add sugar, flour, vanilla, cocoa, and liquor or coffee - stir to combine
bake in 8X8" glass pan, preheated 350 degree oven ~17 minutes - more or less depending on your preference for chewy vs. more well done brownies

All the other people with the good stuff...

Friday, November 30, 2012


We don't have a contract and have in fact never discussed any but one overarching limit (no other people - his hard limit, hence also mine).

We have grown organically, so to speak, and over time have come to where we are - I am His - which means that in the end - I am not my own.

I know this lax, informal approach to ending up at M/s or O/p must seem irresponsible, or illegitimate, or just hard to fathom to many.  To have stopped, tried to spell it all out, and then re-started our lives would have felt - well - hard to fathom i suppose.

We've been together a very long time - most of the time i know what to expect at decision points.  Sometimes he surprises me, occasionally i feel overruled, thwarted, and frustrated.

We married in the first place in large part because we respected each other enormously - we saw in each other a person with the values, outlook, and way of being that we wanted to be with.  Over time we have shaped each other also, learning, expanding and protecting the ways of being that we value and unlearning the traits and behaviors we find less good.

I know that a big part of our ending up where we are - sans negotiations and contract - involved an awful lot of unspoken assumptions on my part.  I could agree to the whole package because there are many, many things that i knew in my heart the package wouldn't ever include.

And there are still areas in which i make those assumptions, things i'm so sure he won't ever want or ask of me or insist upon that i just don't worry about them.  Why get bogged down in hypotheticals that are just not ever really going to happen.  


The other day I showed him a post by a woman discussing why it was virtuous of her to turn her ballot over to her husband and let him vote for her.  I expected indignation or scoffing from him - suffice it to say he deeply values equal rights, civil liberties, independent thinking, and people being engaged and responsible citizens.

Instead, his response was along the lines of, "yea, so?"   He pointed out bluntly that if he asked me for my ballot, or told me how to vote, i would need to oblige.  I  think he was joking or making a point or something of both.  But he didn't relent and he didn't budge and he didn't explain.

It is the tiniest bit uncomfortable.

Over the past few years, he has made some things to be ways i wouldn't necessarily have predicted; they aren't what i would choose but i can see the reasoning.  He has asked some unexpected and challenging things of me, things i couldn't have predicted just because they are random things i never thought of before.  We have been at a few impasses where we both felt strongly and i did have to follow (give in).

He has not, up to this point though, run counter to any of the assumptions i hold on to in order to be comfortable with all of this. It is hard for me to actively imagine him being so different from what i think i know about him in order to imagine him violating those assumptions.  And honestly, i wonder, at least about the important and real ones, which would be more difficult: seeing him make a decision that shatters my image of him, or facing the need to go along with something i thought i was safe from.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

why is sex so important anyhow?

As i'm sitting here - my cunt is twitching and fluttering, my clit is swollen, i'm leaking juice, the slightest touch or movement across my nipples sends shockwaves to my pussy - my abs contract to try to absorb the feelings that have nowhere to go.  Deeper in my psyche, i want to be overtaken, completely stripped of control, tormented, hurt, used in the most base ways.  i long to see that hunger on your face - the look that makes me afraid and draws me in, the look that is you but not you, the look that is you on the edge of your own control

I texted that to him as he was at one son's soccer game and i was getting ready to go to the grocery store.  It had been that way all day.  It started first thing in the morning with him coming all over my chest.  It's a silly thing, but something about him coming on me arouses me insanely.  He painted my breasts and nipples with it and i nearly came with no other touch.  But he left me there.  He left it to dry and be worn all day and me to go through the day on that very high edge. 

I think this was partly him having fun with his toy just cuz he can, partly him re-establishing or reminding us of our dynamic in a very effective (and not too onerous for him) way.  Maybe there was a whole lot more behind it for him - maybe not.  The communication about the feelings and motivations and mental processes about the whole thing are pretty one way here: i am expected to share, he isn't. 

Like i suppose a lot of people, we started with D/s in the bedroom, but honestly, looking back, it was impossible that it would stay there.

Recently a friend of mine was complaining about a thing she had been asking her husband to do for some time, she said she had finally decided to withhold sex until he took care of the task.  I think that is the way i had seen sex fitting into marriage.  I had actually never thought to use it to manipulate him, i think i never gave it even that much weight in my mind.  But it was, for me, a very small, very discreet and separate little component of our whole life. 

But it isn't small, or separate, or discreet (in the "entity unto itself" sense; we do try to keep it discreet in the "out of the public view" sense). 

He has control of my body and its responses.  No matter what bad feelings or negative emotions or rational argument i have against him at any moment, it is impossible for me to deny to him or to myself that i am His.  Even at its most subtle, his reminding me of that fact is incredibly effective at re-orienting me. 

We can't or don't live our roles so overtly day to day; they are there, but not for all the world to see.  Sex is always dominance and submission.  It is where we can establish and reinforce our positions and feed our individual needs for those roles.  It is where the greatest opportunity exists to add other elements: bondage, control, pain, humiliation, containment, to further reinforce and really feed our needs.

For the gentler, more positive spin on it - when we are connected sexually, no matter how subtly, i am more open to him, i listen better, i imagine he is more attuned to me as well.  As a friend put it to me, "It is so much harder to get mad and fight when one is always on a sexual edge, compassion is higher, emotion heavier, empathy stronger... and then everything else is easier - parenting, work, paying the bills..."

It is also a very non-cerebral thing.  All of the good stuff, what i've written about above, happens without my reasoning it out; in fact, it usually happens in spite of my trying to reason around it.  [And yes - i do see the irony of all this navel gazing in order to post about it]

Saturday, November 17, 2012

not even wondering

I've had trouble writing here lately, to the point that i've had trouble even responding on other peoples' posts.  When i read others' posts - i feel what they are saying, i see a response in my head, fully formed and complete - but i can't focus on it long enough to get it out my fingers.  Likewise, as things happen to me or i have thoughts that would be put here - i see the whole thing, done, fini, without the thinking and exploring and wondering I've grown used to.  It passes from fleeting thought to filed away and forgotten before i can even look at it.  

Probably this is an overly dramatic view.  Really - my mental energy is being pulled elsewhere.  Usually i can do the things i do and have enough background processing power left to run the fun stuff too.  Not so much lately.  Or i'm getting old and the processing capacity is less - but i'll keep telling myself that's not it - it's just  a phase.

I do know what subjects have come up, been noted, and then, apparently, resolved and filed without the usual due process.  Maybe i'll be able to pull them out and think about them eventually.  Maybe it's where i'm meant to be - learning things and accepting them without all the noise.

Either way, some random things i've come to realize lately......

I really, really love my husband.  

When he comes home, lying in bed with him finally, i am different, my body relaxes and melts into him; my mind does the same, there's a warmth that flows....  It didn't used to be that way - I used to be glad he was home, and glad to have him next to me.  This is more palpable, more overwhelming.

Sex is very important.  Not as in the advice columns in the grocery store magazines, that a couple should have sex regularly to maintain closeness and intimacy.  I mean that his ownership of my body and especially all the sexual aspects of me, means that, whether blatant and overt, or only implied and subtle, sex has become a very important channel and connection point between us - all the time.  He communicates with me through it, and he moves and controls me with it.   

He likes my pain.  

I have a great deal to learn about the service and giving of myself aspects of all of this.  When i am quite honest with myself, i often don't put him first in my actions; my first thoughts are often for myself; and i'm not even sure if or to what extent i ought to move that, or how he feels about it.  

I'm not sure it has anything at all to do with being submissive, but... I've realized more recently is that i  hold myself back. In cases where i can and should step forward and do bigger things, where i am capable and ready and ought to take on challenges, i sometimes remain comfortable with good enough. I don't think it's a fear of failure, or even a fear of being wrong, i'm sure i have both of those in play too, but this is different - i underestimate myself sometimes and it's not a good or useful or even benign thing.  

Likely most of these bear more thought, especially the last two.  Maybe someday i will be able to do that.  

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Gumby I am not

Sadly - i will never be able to cross my ankles behind my head, no matter how much he may like to..., well - anyhow, not happening.

But that isn't the kind of Gumby-ing I'm talking about.

So many outside forces push and pull.  Work, lots of projects, other people wanting things of me. Kids needing to be raised, needing to get to and from.  The house, the car, other family, all the other people and things in my life that are good, but come with ought to's.

And for a brief moment I think i've got it all laid out, then it all changes, their needs, their schedules, my requirements.

And I have to adapt, bend and stretch, rearrange.

It's life - I know this.  It's not just a mom thing, or a work thing or a wife thing, it's just life and everyone has to do it.

Part of the adapting is his constantly changing schedule, and I do sometimes come to resent that.  I flow as much as I can, but it's my stuff that gets re-prioritized.  And if I keep flowing and don't tell him I can't flow anymore (read - I fail), then I get behind, really behind, and stressed, and other not so pretty things.

These things come and go, it will get better, we are learning to manage it better, i am learning to speak up sooner - it happens to everyone, it's life.

I've noticed a funny trend (or two) though when this does happen:

I do tend to view being the adaptable one as my role.  My job has much more flexibility than his, and almost no travel.  And i tend to view this as "service".  Our dynamic doesn't fit into neat categories, but  "service" in that sense is only a small component.  And - honestly - stuff needs to get done no matter what you call it.  Viewing what i do as helpful to him can feed into a submissive mindset, but it's both helpful to him and necessary overall no matter how i choose to view it.

The advantage of adding this perspective to things i would need to do anyhow is that, when it's good, i feel better about it, i have a glad heart, i am happy to help.  The risk is that when things go badly, i feel like a failure on more levels.

You would think (I would think, I'm pretty sure He does think) that all-hell-breaking-loose would be the time to back off a bit, loosen up, relax and give me some room to work, since not enough room to work is the issue.  But in fact that makes me feel even worse. If I suddenly feel him less, the frustration or resentment or whatever turn into distance and plain old sadness, maybe a touch of despair.

This would be one more time that i'm happy not to be the one needing to find the perfect balance for things.

And now - i'm off to do some much needed catching up.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

what happens and how do i fix it

I turn into a completely different person when he is gone

This isn't new - not his travelling - and not the way i react.

This has been his job since before we started dating - it has always been our reality.

He is never gone all that long.  It is is job, not golf trips with buddies.  He is wonderfully engaged and with us when he is home.  He works very hard to minimize the impact.

And i have always - not fallen apart, not at all - but i am a very different person once he leaves.  Probably I need to be different on some level, single and single parent is different than together and co-parent.

Slipping in and out of in-charge vs. not - that transition has to happen every day, often multiple times as i go from home to work to interacting with the kids to interacting with him - i manage it with varying degrees of success and grace (or not).

This is not that - i think, maybe.

I watched myself yesterday.  He left, all was fine, sweet, nice.  He called when he landed and i heard a different person talk to him on the phone: short, terse, not nice and not engaged.  I saw it and couldn't stop myself.

When he is away - i manage the house and the kids, no problem.  But i don't manage myself.  I stay up too late, eat poorly, skip exercise, blow off work that i ought to do......

I become a person i don't especially like - and i am a million miles away from being His.

I don't know what happens.  And i don't know how to fix it.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

can't have it all

I get wistful sometimes - or dreamy or desirous or sometimes something less attractive.

 "I wish...."  Or maybe "Wouldn't it be nice if...", or "I wonder why we don't....."

I go along for days doing all the things i need to do.  The D/s is there - sometimes more overtly, a hand placed possessively, a service performed, a whisper in my ear.  Sometimes the only hint is when i finger my collar and recognize the reality way in the back of my mind, then move right back into all the other things i need to do, interactions i take part in, places my mental energy is required.

Sometimes I do think about the what if's.  And sometimes i even wish.  But i'm grown up enough to know you can't have it all:

If the opportunities for play were more frequent and predictable and private, if it weren't so long between times that i feel like it's starting all over again, if i didn't get nervous because i think i might have forgotten how, if my tolerance and ability to follow him didn't get so rusty - think of the fun we could have, think of how far we could explore, think of how much he could let himself go.  But there is something to that pit of nervousness, to looking to him as both tormentor and as security and comfort, to not being jaded, and to it being an exercise in trust and connection each time rather than a game of endurance.

If i had no responsibilities outside of him, if there weren't my work, the kids, our families, community, friends, organizations, and a full life to be engaged in, i could stay focused on him, i could do everything for him, no push and pull, no external upset, i could wait home, naked, with dinner and the newspaper ready, i would be sweet, unperturbed, unruffled, undistracted.  I bet he would like that.  But we both know that what i would actually be is a bored, unfulfilled, crawling-out-of-my-skin, bitch.  For both of us, our family, our connections and engagement with life are essential to who we are.  That other vision, as idyllic as it sounds, is hollow and empty.

If he were very strict, kept me on a short leash, lots of constant control, many rules and rituals, lots of consequences, inspections, spot checks, formality,  etc - which sometimes sounds so good, so structured and dominant, and - well -  hot, really hot.   Wouldn't that be lovely.  But if that were our reality,  i would miss the laughter, the wit, the passion, the melting into each other, the comfort and support of each other, the joy, the pure "us" of it.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

tumblers and toys

At the risk of veering too far from my recent deep, angsty, not-even-especially-useful navel gazing....

What gets to me is words, stories, scenes set in writing.  I thought that sending my husband examples of these - what excites, stirs, ignites me - would be a good way to communicate with him -and also would save me from saying any of it out loud to his face.  Didn't work that way though.  Too many words for him.

Pictures can capture my attention, but not nearly in the same way or to the same degree as writings.  Not enough words for my taste.  

Eventually though i started sending him links to tumblers.  And boy - did that work for him.  I guess he's just more visually oriented :)  

He takes what i send - and goes off on his own with it.  I imagine he does some exploring and linking and looking around from there. We don't discuss.  But it's a start of a way for me to communicate to him what impacts my psyche in all of this.

It's subtle, and indirect - i suppose it would be far simpler for us to sit and examine pictures together, discuss them, parse it all out together....  But - well - part of the truth is that would be very difficult for me to do - to talk about - to admit to his face.  But also - I do- but i really, really don't want to influence, or even know, what he chooses to do or which directions he chooses to go.  

So it works - kind of - but it's a risky thing for me too- if i send him to a particular tumbler that has things i find intriguing on a particular day, i'm sure he notes what those are.  He probably even reads my message that says, "i like this or that, but some of the other things on here i find unappealing or frightening or perhaps even horrific."  But there's the very real risk that those unappealing, frightening things are the ones that will catch his eye.

So - it's imprecise, and carries some risk for me.  But I know my feelings and i know that having him do to me only things i've asked for would just not work - my head would go to bad places instead of good ones.  And yea - the edge of fear of the unknown is kinda hot too.  

And like any good husband - he plays up that edge to his advantage.  Last week a box came which i was to keep away from the kids - but not to open myself either. 

This week he pulled out and put into use one of the new toys - and that went way, way in my favor.  We (I say we - really - all the toys are his, none are mine)... We didn't have a decent vibrator.  Now we do (he does).  Yea for me!

He also showed me the other toy, the one he's going to let me ponder and stew about for awhile.  "Frightening" did catch his eye.  That one is all for him.   But sadly i'm the one who'll be hooked.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

completely useless bit of overthinking

A whole stream of thoughts occurred to me this morning.

We stayed in bed this morning til after 8 - that just never, ever happens.  This stream of thoughts occurred to me when my husband told me i needed to learn "not to fight it."  I told him i don't feel like i'm fighting - but he's got a definite idea of what is me fighting it and what is me finally capitulating.

Maybe context would help.

Once he realized i was awake this morning, he pinned my hands above my head with one hand and started exploring with his other one.  Stroking turned into pushing and pinching and then into plunging. Sucking became nibbling became biting - hard.   He takes his time with this - i think he likes it.  He gets me very quickly to a point that I am all response - no conscious thoughts of initiating anything, even if i could.  I move and moan and open myself to him, to what hurts, and to what feels so tantalizing - all swirled together, nothing in my head but listening and wanting.

But there are some sensations that i'm convinced my body can't handle.  Too much stimulation when i'm already so - stimulated - is just too much.  With my head out of the equation, my body can't process it and, I suppose, fights against it.  I think this is what he is talking about.  I have to re-engage some part of my consciousness and force myself to relax, to accept, to feel what is happening.

I suppose this is something that he will keep pushing and i will keep trying to figure out.  My rush of thoughts though, as incoherent as they are, had to do with this who does what during sex.

The "who's in charge" question is not really what i mean.  We fixed that some time ago - and now - well - life is good.

But - i think about submission, especially in the context of serving - and to me that sounds like providing sexual service - i.e., doing things for him and to him that he likes, the way he likes, when he wants... And that feels pretty easy really.  I can do that.

I think about way, way back when i was dating - i was a dork - i didn't date much - but it was a process of back and forth - taking turns between doing and letting the other person do, some mutual combinations of the two.  Well - that was the good parts - there were of course the ones who tried to insist on getting just what they wanted then being done.  The back and forth was a good part of married sex also.  This makes it sound unappealing - that's not what i mean - but it is different.  

There was one person i went out with a few times, until i got very scared - afraid of my reaction to him though, not afraid of him actually.  He did to me.  He made me wait, he made me be still while he explored and touched, he made me experience, he made me feel - so many sensations, and then urges.

And this is what my husband does to me/for me now.

As much as i now love being played with, being used, being made to experience all those sensations, being made unable to respond in kind - this is harder for me than doing would be.  For the worse parts of our married sex life, sex consisted of me doing or not doing.  In my head, at the time, it seemed like i was doing what a wife was supposed to do - giving her husband pleasure.  The idea of letting him take his pleasure was not on my radar, and if it had been, i don't think i could have accomplished it.

My guess is that different people want different things, that what is difficult for some is easy for others, what some find fascinating and pleasurable, others would see as tedious and no fun, what i find as the easy cop out - others probably struggle with, what i work to relax into, others might find as the cop out.  It is interesting that it has meant a complete reversal for both my husband and me - and ironic that in submitting i serve him by letting him pleasure me.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

He can - but can I?

He can get me where he wants me.

We've spent the past three years learning that - he to move me around to the way he wants me, and I to cooperate with him when he does.

I'm not sure that's quite enough though.

Cooperating with him is a step, it's something, but it's fairly passive - more work sometimes, but mostly not.

It feels good, I like it, i want his hands on me and his power over me.

But it's destructive to the Us - for me to wander off and wait for him to come get me.

I have to learn to get myself to where he wants me.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012


"Ow. That really hurts."  "But you like pain, right?"   So - either i do or i don't -  except clearly it's not that simple.

"Do you like that girl?"  "Well..."  "Yes or No, which is it?"  No - i don't "like" it - it's not pleasant or enjoyable, it's difficult even;  but i desire it, crave it, need it...

Those sorts of contradictions i seem to be able to hold all at once - and he understand that.  He uses them to goad me and sometimes rattle me, but he knows they aren't either/or - they are, against logic, both.

But other things maybe really are either/or - even though in my head the truth of both sides is clear at the same time.

Either it's about him - or it's about me.
        (But - he wants to take care of me, he is happier if i'm happier, blah, blah, blah)  

Either i want him to be in control  - or i want him to do what i want, when i want.  
        (He needs to know what i want in order to have all the info he needs to be in control, right? 
        And i'm supposed to ask for what i want, right?)

Either i tell him all of what i think or how i feel and then let the rest up to him, or i have an agenda and expectations.  
        (Ya know - this one is just hard - we are so practiced at providing the right information the right
        way to get towards what we want out of an interaction - it is just so damn difficult to disattach
        the expectations)

Hmmm.... in my head those all seemed so complicated, like some riddle with two right but opposite answers.  Written out - they seem, well, not so unclear.

What i ran up against this past week was enormous desire - out of the blue i was overwhelmingly and unreasonably needy. I was constantly aroused - but beyond that i wanted to be used, beaten, degraded, conquered.  It was a desire in my skin and my bones, not just in my head.  I hadn't felt that way in a very long time.  I was obsessed and completely certain that this was a need that, if left unmet, would leave me crashed and burning and unable to function.  In my mind - it was his responsibility - his only possible course of action - to fix me, to meet this need, to beat me and use me and conquer me.

But he didn't.  Partly, circumstances just didn't allow for that, and partly - it just wasn't what he chose to do, at least not how and when i thought he should.  I communicated my feelings, my needs, my desires. Then I hinted and probably whined. I had all this need, and it was being left - unmet, unsatisfied, unresolved - i was being left - needing.  I swirled around in my emotions and panicked that i would be lost in the storm.  But what i couldn't bring myself to do was just come to him with the cane and ask, or present myself to him quietly and openly.

And yet - here i am, functioning, connected, fairly calm, if not a touch chastised and a little bit ashamed.  It's interesting: either he meets my needs, or he doesn't.  Except - i need to accept that he decides, it's not about me, my expectations aren't the important factor.  He does meet my needs, even when it feels for all the world like he isn't.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

intersecting planes

Mind-body. Or maybe emotional-physical.  Or abstract-concrete.  Interactions of elements on planes that hadn't crossed each other previously.....

I'm INTJ - in this case emphasis on the T for thinking (vs. Feeling), and maybe N for intuiting (vs. Sensing.)  I do live most comfortably in figuring out and analyzing, thinking things through, etc.... I know it's more complex than this, but i think of myself as fairly concrete and rational.  It's not that I don't have emotions, it's just that i'm not especially adept at dealing in their realm.  In fact, i have very little handle on them and am too often at their mercy.

The mind to body connection i get - specifically, the way he plays with my mind and the way that arouses me, leaves me wet and with a terribly empty, wanting to be filled feeling.  He can say a few words, give a look, make a small suggestion, put me in a tiny predicament.... and my body is right there, listening, waiting, thrumming.

It's the body to mind thing that still floors me.  It's related to the "why is sex so important anyhow?" thing - which also still completely floors me.

Last week i was a bit cranky, had a little attitude, was a bit on edge and kind of wound up.  This is what led to the "Making me submissive" (see previous post).   I hadn't admitted to myself how overwhelmed, stressed, and disconnected i really felt.  He put the cuffs on my wrists and ankles, then left me working. That's the first body to mind intersection - i do understand operant conditioning - but it still surprises me that the feel of the cuffs changes my mindset so easily.

Later he called me to the bedroom, there were a few barely under my breath mutterings, but i went.  I imagined there would be spanking, and implements i don't care for, and probably tears.  I didn't wanna - but i knew that really i needed it and it would be good for me and good for us - i was angry and sulky but also glad he was making time and doing it.

Instead he went for the large plug.  From my body's reaction to the cold lube onward i was resistant. And of course - resistance is futile (i had to - sorry). He pushed, slowly but with force.  I was in pain, i was fighting it, and i was fearful, fearful of the part where it burns the worst - and mostly fearful of the feeling that always overcomes me once it seats fully in. Because that physical moment and sensation has always made me instantly and overwhelmingly submissive, all other feelings and emotions disappear. I am completely his.

That is for me the strongest example of the body ruling the mind.  Of course it's not just the physical that has the impact - it is a huge imposition of his dominance that particular action is.  And others work the same way - spanking of course, but also his touching me when and how he pleases, his hands on or even near my throat.  It may be painful, or arousing, or just claiming - but he can use all those physical sensations to put my mind where he wants it.  I find that fascinating.

Friday, September 21, 2012

making me submissive

One of the biggest changes/tools/things-my-husband-has-learned-to-exploit has been getting me feeling submissive.  Because, for me, feeling submissive means charging through and past whatever stressed, irritated, wound-up, or otherwise unwelcome attitude and emotions may be ruling my world at the moment.  For me to get truly to submissive, all that other noise has to be obliterated, not just walled off or pushed aside.  And he understands this.

Kitty wrote a brilliant post about submitting vs. being made to submit, or following vs. being made to follow.  I have watched myself struggle to learn how to follow or submit without the being-made-to part because that has always been what my husband wanted.  He has never deviated from this.  But there is absolutely and undeniably a thrill, a high, a charge, and a huge turn on in the being-made-to.

Part of the evolution has been in my coming to believe - down deep in my core - that he does want my submission.  This belief makes me want to offer exactly that: he wants my submission so i offer it, he doesn't want to fight me for it so i don't want to make him.  I know - and I've known all along - that whenever i pushed back and tried to get him to force anything out of me, it was because i needed him to prove he really wanted it, that i wasn't giving something so overwhelming for no reason.  Not so mature, but i guess it's the process i had to go through.

And if that makes it sound like i now manage some blissful, idyllic, strife and doubt-free submissive existence - well - my husband could refute that notion if he could stop laughing long enough to list the many ways i miss the mark.  I try.  He knows i try.  Sometimes the best i can do is to be open to getting past the attitude or bad mood or whatever-it-is when he does the magic he does to get me there.  I often can't get myself there, but if i fight him, i'll never make the leap, so cooperating with the process is sometimes the best i got.

Which brings me back to the tools/things-he-exploits/magic-he-does to get me to the point of submissive.  It does, in describing it, sound like forcing my submission, exactly what i said he won't do.  It is different.  There have been the rare occasions that i just couldn't "get there" and he stopped.  It's a subtle but really obvious thing - the difference between struggling but trying to keep up and struggling but sitting down and refusing to move at all.  He won't force, he expects me to try.

But there are an awful lot of actions, words, sensations, situations, things he can do to me or demand of me that will push me through all the other feelings i might be fighting with.  For us - this is what i sometimes need; maybe he sometimes needs to have the opportunity to do this - i don't know.  Sometimes i do need to be conquered, but i have to let him do it.

Monday, September 17, 2012


I participated in a professional seminar of sorts last week and one of the activities was to identify why we were at the point in our careers that we were. This drove home something that I have always known about myself: I have never had my ideal future mapped out in my head, I make each big decision as it comes.  I have a very strong sense of who I am, what I value, what I enjoy, and what my strengths and weaknesses are. As choices present themselves, I choose based on that moment.  This has led me into two different careers that I love and my current job, which I really love.

It has served me in my personal life as well.  I try to do things and make decisions intentionally, but not at all towards a pre-determined path.  And I am incredibly fortunate in the people and relationships I have in my life.

The trick with this way of going through life though seems to be recognizing when the big decisions are there to be made. I am certain I have missed those moments before just as i know i have made poor choices at different times also.   Sometimes circumstances are such that the need to make a choice is unavoidable.  Other times, the feeling that a change is coming just starts to grow and take shape until it is inevitable.  That's the case now.

I started this blog three years ago in September.  The several years prior to that had been a time of intense focus and concentration on me, on my goals.  As that work started to bear fruit, my focus shifted, very unexpectedly, to us.

The past three years have been a lot of thought and learning and work, by both of us, and about "Us".   A blog would seem, at face value, to be all about "me," but in fact it has been a very big help to the work on us.

And the "us" is pretty stable now, engaged, excited, connected, stronger by far than ever before. And now?  I feel us looking outward now.  There's another shift coming or it's already in the works i think. We are not at a destination we had been waiting for; we are ready to be and do things we weren't before though.

I looked back at some of my first posts in September three years ago.  This was what i hoped then, and it has indeed come to be.

i woke up again at 3 this morning and couldn't fall back asleep
i lay there thinking about you - imaginging/remembering your hands on me
your hands feeling me, making me feel,
moving my body to where and how you want it
i ached to have you there and not imagined

this is something very new
previously i cringed at the thought of what you must feel touching me
so i never really experienced the feel of you on me
and i dont think you felt right to take command of my body

i never had this kind of aching before
now i can't imagine going back
i think you feel the right of it now
i hope it is pleasing for you 
i hope it becomes part of you

Monday, September 10, 2012

cold water

The runners in my family both have foot injuries right now.  That means i get to insist on ice baths - 12 minutes, foot submerged in icewater...  (Did you know it feels colder if you stir it around?)

Because i'm me, i do this with gleeful abandon a glad heart , sadistic mirth a smile on my face, and lots of trash talk friendly teasing.

The frozen footed runners respond with a ridiculous amount of moaning, groaning, oh-woe-is-me'ing, and all around drama.

Except tonight one of them (i'll let you guess which one) reminded me, not without a good deal of growling, that there is a good chance we may be together, home, for a little bit of time, after the boys leave for school, tomorrow...and that that he might remember the whole icebath, foot-hurts-like-hell, unsympathetic-wife thing.

That thew a little cold water on my sadistic-mirth thing.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

rainy morning

It's been raining here all night and into this morning, a hard steady rain.  Literally overnight, everything has gone from parched, brown, withered and distressed to lush, green and bright. I can feel a little piece of my being relax and take a very deep breath for the first time in months.  It has been an alarmingly dry summer here, just as it has across a huge portion of the country.

There is something about my soul that is tied to where i grew up - rolling hills, lush valleys, ancient moss covered rock, and rain, water, a moistness even through the hottest part of summer.  I experience an underlying uneasiness whenever i'm in an arid climate, and especially if the arid climate moves into my space.

This morning feels like a return to "as it should be," on a very subtle but very deep level, after a long time of "not quite right."

I had a discussion with someone online a short time after starting on this D/s road.  At the time I was wondering what had kept us from always being aligned this way.  There were so many things i can and others did, point to that were his dominance and my submission, that had been all along.  We just didn't recognize or even look for any kind of pattern; we were just whatever we were.  

This person and i were discussing specifically my husband feeling right about intervening//intruding in my life - in how i am, how i might improve, where i should work on things.  But also learning, discovering, and accomplishing a woman's (my) hidden desires.   And also - how a (woman) is open to or disallows such a thing.

Probably, i'm pretty certain, that had you asked me 5 yrs ago, 10 years ago, if we were open to each other, if we turned to each other for help, direction, if we truly devoted ourselves to each other - we both would have insisted we were and did.  But if you had asked me about specifics, or shown me how it feels to recognize my instincts in a situation, but then consciously choose his way, or made me see what it really means to factor his happiness first, or at least try to even if it takes a lot of effort...  I'm sure i would have said no thanks, not interested, that can't possibly be the right way for me.

And, And... there's no way i could have believed i had hidden desires: spanked, caned, pushed around, tied down, taunted, hurt, forced to my knees in the shower and peed on, in a word - dominated... that's the direction you think my desires lie?  No f&#*ing way.  Never.  No how.

And yet....

It is a piece of my being.  It is sometimes hard, often inconvenient.  At times i would, if allowed, choose to opt out for a bit and come back to it later (like a raincheck).  But it does seem to be the "as it should be."  

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

back on my heels

This is the right phrase - but it has nothing to do with shoes. (Things rarely do for me - i missed many of the essential girl genes.)

I mean that, at a time when i should feel on my toes, i feel caught out flat footed or back on my heels.

Part of  this is my professional life.  I had a fleeting moment where i felt like i might be juggling everything pretty well, only to look again and realize that what I was achieving wasn't really very impressive and - well - that's work and not the part of my life i bring here really.

I sometimes feel it isn't my place or is somehow wrong to try to figure out my husband.  There is the sense that watching him or trying to understand what he does or how he acts or what he means by what he says is the same as questioning him, that it is too unsubmissive.

Realistically - of course i watch him.  I listen.  I gauge his moods and try to accommodate, follow suit, maybe even anticipate.

And really - he's about as wildly fluctuating as a mountain range.  There is depth and breadth,  new scenery unfolds.  But he doesn't change suddenly. I have a fair idea of how he will view my behaviors and of his likely responses, as well as a fair idea of what he will like and find pleasing.  I typically know what to expect.

So - with all that rock solid, unmovableness - even small changes are huge and really shocking to the system.  And that's what has me back on my heels.

He's been different recently.

I had gotten quite used to having a decent amount of control.  We've been, for a good while now, riding along smoothly with a really nice connection and a warm glow between us (yes - insert a big *aaawww* here.)  It had been very nice - and very easy for me.

And now - it's not hard, but day to day is somehow different.  He has, in a lot of small ways, upped the game, tightened expectations, pushed here and there.  There are some hard edges where there had been all warm fuzzies. I know - poor me.  

There is a sharper edge to his ownership of my body too.  There is a level of need and intensity, an un-masked glee in my pain, the pain pushes to places i am not so easily sure i can go, he is a more distant persona with me in this than previously.

And none of this is poor me - but it is change.  And it's hard to catch up from back on my heels.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

funny quirk

I have a funny quirk (well, one of many really)....

When things are going well - i get quiet. I mean going well in my relationship with my husband, in my feeling connected, controlled, contained and taken-on-adventures.  When all that is going well, i get quiet here in my blog, maybe blogland in general.  I have a feeling of having nothing to say.  Words just won't come to me.

I'm a bit the opposite in real life - when i am sad, or worried, distracted or distressed, i very much draw into myself and communicate far less than typical.   When i am at ease, content, fairly happy overall, i am more open and demonstrative.

Until i started blogging, i was never one to poke and prod at my feelings; i never really examined them very much - i would see them, sort them, file them away and move on.  TTWD was so different from anything else, and for me it required that i understand what i was doing and feeling.  The writing out of blogging helped with figuring out what I was feeling, make sense of my responses, see how to accept the huge and often frightening emotions. It helped me process.

Somehow though i am reluctant to process the good feelings.  Somehow the good feelings are not as huge, or at least not as looming. The sense of calm and joy and security is deep and pervasive and very welcome, and i feel not at all compelled to dissect it or even to try to describe it.

On a certain level this is probably just alright.  Why mess with a good thing?  Accept it and be grateful...  I do and i am. Also -  there is certainly an element of feeling like i shouldn't try to peek at the man behind the curtain.  It's good so it's not my place to question it, to question him.

On the other hand, if it is useful to examine the negative in order to learn how to avoid it, maybe it could be useful to examine the positive to learn how to maintain it.  And why would it be any more or less acceptable for me to try to figure out the good than the bad.  If it's truly my role to accept without question, that should be across the board.  I don't think either of us believes that is my role.

So - things have been good lately - very good.  Our connection feels tight, his ownership of me feels stable and solid and consistent.  He is pushing on a number of fronts, some of them surprising to me, things i didn't think were at all important to him, or even noticed.  He is expecting things and doing things that close in the boundaries for me, that drive home his position and keep me more in a submissive state of mind.

He is expanding - i'm not sure how to convey what i mean really.  He is expanding his dominance - it is coming into focus and strengthening, and i get the impression he feels very right with it, that it feels right and good to him.  And that makes all the difference in the world to me.

Monday, August 20, 2012


(I wrote this while i was away)

Here where we are working we had some free time waiting out a storm. The storm moved a different direction finally and missed us, but we were all gathered in one place, lots of mostly really young folks, several different cultures. There was beer, and rum and music. So there was dancing...

I can't dance.  I have no rhythm. I can't move that way.  I look utterly foolish. I feel utterly foolish. 

I love watching people who can dance though. Any type of dancing, from stiff and formal, choreographed and rehearsed, to spontaneous and free form, displays of pure strength and power to the most appealing of subtle movements.  This last night was not subtle, but it was certainly not stiff, formal, or rehearsed.  

Dancing is about sex, of course: sex, and sexuality, and seduction, and the tease, and the pursuit - not the capture or the capitulation, but all the fun leading up to it - all played out in so many variations, so many flavors. 

As i watched, it had me thinking about my flavor.  So clearly not vanilla, but also not what this dancing was. 

This was easy, care free, open, and fun... It was ~ I'm here, I could be interested,  wanna see where the night takes us? ~   Lots of back and forth, lots of suggestion, not much commitment, and no hurt feelings.   This was erotic, and intriguing to watch.  

It was the negotiation.  And that's why it wasn't my flavor.  Not just because i am so very not in the market, but negotiating doesn't do it for me.  Part of the mis-fit is the need to attract interest, and the possibility that i won't be found interesting enough.  But there is also the implication that i get to choose you, I might say yes or i might say no... at any point along the way.   

Not that i can, but if i could dance, i think my flavor would be a formal waltz:  he approaches, offers his hand, she may accept or decline... if she accepts though, the understanding is that she will follow his lead, go where he goes, no further discussion, no negotiation.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

practicing "what he wants"

One of the things my husband used to help maintain our connection while i was away was tasks i had to perform and then report to him i had completed.  Nothing earth-shattering there of course, pretty common tactic i'm sure.

One task, it turned out, was one of the very few things he has asked of me in three years that I just plain didn't want to do, on any level.  Jake has a very interesting discussion about doing what he wants really being what she wants or really being what she doesn't want which isnt what he wants...  It sounds silly when i say it (keep reading, this is not the silliest sounding part of this post) but Jake explains it well and it was a thing we had to learn too, are still learning: things don't work for me if i think he does them because it's what i want or with any consideration of my preferences, i have to believe he's asking or choosing because it's what he wants.

Other things he asks of me I find pleasurable (cock worship), or useful (any and all housework, etc), or know I need to do even if I would choose not to on my own (exercise), or I see the enjoyment for him if not especially for myself (every once in a while i would rather sleep), or at the very least I feel the imposition of his control through them and know it serves his wishes (pictures requested out of the blue).  There is the irony or the mind game of the reality that even difficult, painful, or humiliating tasks may be something a submissive says she doesn't want, but that ends up being precisely why she does want them.  This didn't hit any of these levels for me, at all, maybe it should have, probably it was intended to hit several, but it didn't.

For this, i had to focus on, "It's what he wants."

I'm a bit embarresed to tell you that the task was -  to cum three times in one day.

I know, I know, wtf?  Sounds lovely? What's the problem?  How is that even a "task?"

I do envy those of you who cum so effortlessly, who have to work not to, but the fact is, i just don't come that easily, or often, and I didn't have any toys with me, and my period started the day before, and I really just don't play by myself very often anymore, and, and, and...

Anyhow, he had said to do this thing, "and no excuses.".  And I didn't give him any...

My first thought when i read his instructions though, which i did put in my email response, was that he sent his order to the wrong girl, he must have intended it for his other girl who actually can come three times in one day.

I really don't play by myself anymore.  Never when he is in town, unless it's a command performance for him, and rarely when he is out of town.  If i do want to play when he is away, there is a ritual to the asking, and while i usually get permission, sometimes i don't.  This all puts it squarely in the category of "things i shouldn't want but do because they are a bit humiliating and a lot controlling," which of course makes it that much more desired.

Telling me i have to cum, and three times over a day, didn't have any of that intimate, connected, deliciously uncomfortable flavor to it - it was just a thing i didn't really want to do that i had to do.

And I did it.  I had no faith I would actually be able to, and I had to work at it more than one should have to, and there wasn't real enjoyment in it.  I had to force myself to do it. It would have been quite simple to skip it altogether, or give a half-hearted effort then given up.  It would have been easy (logistically) to lie to him. Not easy, maybe not possible, in reality, that hasn't been part of us, ever really.  But there was nothing but his trust and my integrity holding me to it.

And it was a brilliant task on his part.  I'm pretty sure he knew i wouldn't want to do this thing.  I think he knew i would do it anyhow.  And i'm sure he knew that this task in particular demands i practice keeping in mind that it's what he wants, whether i want it or not.  Unlike any other task, mindset is crucial to this one happening or not.  I could clean floors or polish his shoes successfully with all sorts of complaints and bitching in my head. I  could try all day with no success at this task if my head weren't in the right place.  To get over the hump, i had nothing else to call on and i had to keep in the front of my mind that he told me to do this and it's what he wants.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Coming home

I'm coming home today. 

 It has been a rewarding and also very difficult trip. 

And there is one doozy of a transition coming up.  Transitions are a bitch (or I'm a bitch about transitioning - depending on your perspective I suppose.)

I have been in charge of and responsible for the group and for the work. There have been an awful lot of challenges. I've been very much "on" the entire time: leading, making the decisions, managing, mentoring... 

But i'm very far away and I've had very limited contact with my husband, some IM chats and some emails. I am thankful to have been able to have that contact. But the juxtaposition of what I am and what I am doing here with my place with him has been stark and tough to keep sorted out properly in my head. 

He wants this for me, and that makes it possible. He wants me to push myself, to expand, to be very good at what i do. He wants me to be that woman.  It helps with reconciling it all in my head to remember that.   

The longer I have been away, and the more demanding the job here, the more intensely I crave his control.   He has provided some of that from afar, and I am very grateful for that.   But I am longing for him, I long to be offering myself to him, I long to have him claim me back. 

I need to have both of these roles in my life.  I am both of these people.  Both of these women are His.  But right now, i am looking so forward to shifting back to the one that is kneeling for him. 

Friday, July 27, 2012


No kids, him actually home many of the nights...  This past week could have been one long wild and crazy sex, sex, sex party.  I could have been naked or bound or in a cute apron and heels and nothing else.  He could have beaten me and used me morning, noon and night, non-stop.... 

Except that he couldn't: we both have jobs that have each taken a turn for the challenging lately, and the dog needs to be walked, and we have social obligations, and lots of open windows and neighbors who really don't want to see all of us, and - well - you get the idea.  

So - not a week long scene of B or D or S or M or even sex, sex, sex, although there was some of all of that, and it was nice......

But it was a week of working on open (specifically me working on being open).  I honestly hadn't realized how not-open i quite often really am. 

So - while i wasn't fully naked the whole week, my bottom half was to be constantly and completely unobstructed and uncovered when in the house.  Open access and open view for him, some serious mental discomfort and self consciousness for me - although his demonstrations of his appreciation of my bottom half were very encouraging.  

He worked on my being open to him - all of me - in whatever way he wanted, not in whatever way i do or don't prefer.  Waiting in his position, open and exposed - i do like that, and as much as it makes me feel vulnerable, self conscious, and maybe apprehensive - it is submissive and i know he appreciates it, so i want to offer that.  

On the other hand - i really dislike being played with, fondled, groped - whatever - when it's just an idle passing thing.  It feels to me like i'm just something for him to fidget with when he has nothing else to do with his hands.  It feels like he is not interested in me, just bored.   I tense up and cringe away and roll my eyes and sigh loudly. He worked on that, worked on me understanding that he wants me to be open to him playing with me in whatever way his mood takes him, that i am his plaything in whatever form.  I will keep working on this.

There was also work on my being open to him making decisions, my letting go of my expectations and learning to embrace and appreciate what he lays out. And there was work on my doing what he asks, and doing it graciously.  

For a week that i had hoped could be a bit vacationy for us - i've used the word 'work' a lot in talking about it.  But, maybe not so surprisingly, this week has helped me feel more secure, more grounded, and more confident in him, in myself, in us.  

And....  you know how there are those verses, lines, poems, etc that you always remembered from childhood?  For some reason, this particular poem has been with me since i was 8 or 9, I have no idea why this one, but it turns out part of it fits, hopefully not all of it though.    I'll be back in a few weeks.

I give you now Professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist,
Trustees exclaimed, "He never bungles!"
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
"You mean," he said, "a crocodile."
                                 Ogden Nash

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

play fits

Sometimes play really just is the right word for it. 

Not sand castles at the beach, or frisbee in the park.  Those are nice too.

But - all out, mud bowl, pushed and shoved around, no idea which end is up and can't respond fast enough, existing in just your body and out of breath, trying to keep up, straining to meet the demands, no thoughts just doing.....

That kind of play....

Friday, July 20, 2012

trying not to wonder

For a change, i'm working on not wondering.

I didn't think it was going to happen this summer - but it looks like there will be 5 days that the boys will both be away, and if the stars align a little further - he may actually be in town for some of those too.  

The thing is - it has been so very long since we have had a chance to play, scene, whatever you want to call it, with actual time and actual privacy.   (Scene sounds like there would be an audience - that alone pushes buttons for me).

And i'm anxious, and excited, and very, very nervous.  I remember that i like this - i think about it and dream about it and i know that it has been very, very good....sometime in the past.

And it's not like there aren't measures of pain and control, and that rougher, removed, aloof thing, and even a touch of humiliation, in most of our intimate moments...

But frankly - i'm a bit scared.

What if my body forgets it likes this?  What if my brain does?  What if i can't handle it?  What if i can't keep up or give him what he wants?  What if he has to slow down on my account?

What if he's really just doing it for me in the first place?  What if i'm making assumptions that anything will take place at all, maybe he's not interested?  What if i let the anticipation build and then plans change and it all falls apart?   

What if all the what if's keep me from being able to let go and follow him?  

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I'm going to do things for you for the rest of our lives; or, there is no such thing as mercy sex.

I've gotten much better, most of the time, but sometimes there's a silliness that creeps in and twists into my rational brain and takes over.  One of those things has been the notion that he is doing all of this for me - that he is not really interested in power exchange, in being the D side of things, in kinky sex - or really sex at all - he's just doing it to humor me. 

It does sound silly - in the light of day.  But this lack of belief and mistrust on my part is and has been damaging to us and insulting to him.  

My wondering about porn has led to some discussions between us that have been revealing and uncomfortable for me.  The other night, after an uneasy conversation, he played with me.  He played, ever so gently, too with humiliation.  It was at the time just right and (ironically) very reassuring.  He played, he came, and he played with me some more, then he rolled over and went to sleep.  He left me reassured but horny as hell.

The next evening i let him know - not particularly gracefully or subtly - exactly how horny i was.  I hinted and pouted and was generally a brat.  At bedtime he told me, essentially, now or never, come and get it or forget it.  Of course that registered to me as mercy sex - as, "I'm not really interested, but i'll oblige you just to get you off my back."  And he knew exactly what was going through my head; we've been here before and he really doesn't like that place.

He tried to point out that the idea of a guy, or at least him, not wanting sex, just doing it to get it over with, was ridiculous.  I dunno - i'm not a guy - seems plausible to me.  I think he gave up trying to convince me.  

The more serious part of the issue was about him doing things for me.  I'm not good at having things done for me in any context.  Things work well if i believe it's what he wants, even if i do too.  Things fall completely apart, i fall apart, if i think he's doing it because i wanted it, or that i somehow manipulated him into doing it.  Maybe that's why submission is good for me - it accommodates my weakness.   Maybe i'm not good at having things done for me because i'm submissive - maybe it's just semantics.  And if there's anything my husband really dislikes, it's getting caught up in drama over semantics.    

He saw what was coming and stopped me, held me still, looked me in the eye, and told me that he will do things for me, for the rest of our lives.  That this is what he needs to do as my husband, as a man, and as my master.  End of discussion, no semantics, no drama.  

Sunday, July 15, 2012

actually writing about porn....

I've been trying to write this for awhile now.  I can't and i think it's because i just can't come to any conclusions in my head.  Sort of begs the question why i'm putting anything here at all -  i'm hoping that if i just list out the different things that run through my head - i will be able to stop worrying about it.  


I've never watched a pornographic movie, of any flavor.

I am far, far more affected by written words than visual images

I know that distinctions among porn vs. smut vs. erotica vs. art are important; but i don't know what the distinctions really are - all i can do is try to define what i'm talking about, which is pretty limited really.

I know that what i read or look at is pretty tame in the grand scheme of things 

I feel flawed in this area - i don't seem to function the way most people do when it comes to fantasy, arousal, using images as part of sex. That is - i don't or can't - at all.  Maybe there's some deeply hidden psychological reason, maybe there's just a short in my wiring.  

On the plus side, my husband never has to worry about me having images of anyone or anything else in mind when i'm with him, or even when i'm not.  

I've only started to discuss this with him - which has had me feeling worried, anxious, fearful, maybe guilty.  I don't (didn't) have any idea how he felt about porn in general or my reading or viewing it specifically.  

That's part of the reason for posting this - it's easier than trying to say all this to him face to face.

He has known that i read erotic fiction/smut/stories/blogs - i share what i like with him sometimes, and he has access to my passwords, browser history, often looks over my shoulder.  So at least i knew he didn't want me not to. 

I've shown him a sample of the kinds of images i look at - he didn't have a lot to say although i think he was a little surprised

He did ask if i had considered the issues surrounding the industry in general and wondered if they were as prevalent with stills as with movies - something more to think about - are there really so many women who are truly okay with being beaten, degraded and filmed in the process? -is it consensual or just a worse level of exploitation?  Is it all faked anyhow?  

Another argument against porn is that, even in the context of a marriage, it leads one partner to lust after other people instead of their own partner -  he or she couldn't measure up so it creates envy and temptation and disharmony and emotional adultery

Ok - so i know there's no lust for anyone else in my head - but - there's a world of ideas there that he has not much idea about - that he isn't part of - a context he doesn't have. 

Is that ok?

It doesn't make me want someone else, but does it make me want something else?   Does it create unfair comparisons - or is it like a food magazine - inspires ideas, widens horizons, inspires creativity (or at least openness) on my part 

It makes me face myself - what does excite, arouse, appeal - some of it's not so comfortable - some i think i ought to be appalled at and wonder why i'm not - this is true for pictures and writing - shouldn't i be worried about what does arouse me?

I'm also not entirely comfortable with him knowing these particulars about me.  It was easy to turn sex all over to him  - whatever happened, or didn't, was his choice.  Yes i participate, enjoy, even crave - but there is a level of deniability, even if it's barely plausible. 

I turn to porn when he's gone, or less available, or when i'm needier... it certainly doesn't make me less needy, but it doesn't satisfy the need either - it ramps it up, but in a way i obviously seek out - more stuff i don't understand about myself 

OK - this whole thing feels way too much like listing my sins at confession way back when...