Wednesday, December 19, 2012

to serve man

Well - to serve this particular man...

I don't seem to have the right recipe these days....

All the lovely stories - controlled, contained, led along to discover the wonderful world of pain, and pleasure, and being owned.  It would be just challenging enough, but in a feel good, sexy way...

of course, that serves me

but - god - do i want that - i want to walk in the door after work and abdicate all responsibility for anything -  undress, sit quietly somewhere, fetch drinks and wait to be used...

i want the control too - someone to be my personal life coach, to keep me on track, to hold me accountable, to readjust my mood when i get a bit off - that would be useful - and sexy....

He has other ideas though

His ideas involve real life, me having some self control, and oddly - wearing clothes.

This is all tongue-in-cheek.  But it's real also.

He wants to move things, change them, he says "evolve."

I liked where things had been.  Change is scary.

And i am having the hardest time figuring out how to follow, how to let go of my expectations, how to be hopeful about the change (trust?).

And he is having a hard time communicating his wants to me, I think maybe he hasn't got it all completely figured out, exactly where he wants to go or how he wants to be.

Serving seems to involve some very non-sexy things: waiting, trying to remain optimistic when i really want to fall apart, being open to different ways of seeing things, listening instead of assuming, respecting him for trying and learning when i really just want him to provide simple answers.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012


Him:  Am I the right man for you?
Yes, oh God yes, and it terrifies me and makes me spin to hear this question, and i don't even know of any other way to answer this.  Life is huge, you are huge, complex, in my soul and all around - there is so very much to it, to you, to us.... you are absolutely right for me, across all of it.  I wonder every day what i did in my previous life to be so lucky in this one.

But i think what you're really asking is, "are there things you want that I can't give you?"  And there are things i  think about: some are simply fantasies,  some are wishes,  and some are things i think i want, would be good for me...  And that's the rub - yes - there are things i want, or think i want, that you don't give me (I know the same is true for me to you).  

Fantasies are just that - fantastical, not meant to be reality, ever. Wishes are fine - but i've never been one to get lost in wishing and miss the here and now. 

And the last - the things i think i might want, - here's the thing - i don't want you to give me what i want just because i want it, but i do want it to be ok for me to have the wants, i want it to be safe, for you to maybe even use that for yourself.  

And yes - i see the irony, the contradiction.  I'm drowning in irony in fact.  I want, i want, i want - i want you to control all of my wants, but i know you won't entirely do that, and in refusing to do what i want, you are...

It's on me - i need to figure out how to make it work, how to work with you, your way. 

When you described it, what you want for us, your way -  i felt peaceful and joyful and very much yours.   When i try to be that - i feel lost, and very far away from you, and twisted around. 

And i am twisted around - because i can see that it only gets bad when i start wanting, for me.  And then i get trapped in that and can't see beyond myself.

I am working to shift my focus, to follow you.  

Yes - you are the right man for me - absolutely.   Please - I need your help.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

The Great Online (un)Cookie Exchange - Brownies

So simple my kids make them all the time, easy to have the ingredients on hand all the time, and just plain really good brownies.  


2 eggs
1 stick butter (4 oz)
2 oz unsweetened baking chocolate (2 squares)
1 cup sugar
3/4 cup all purpose flour
1 tsp vanilla
1 Tbsp powdered cocoa
4 oz kahlua liquor or 6 oz strong cold coffee
gently heat butter and baker's chocolate on the stovetop
beat eggs
add small amount of butter/chocolate to egg and stir to temper then add the rest then stir
add sugar, flour, vanilla, cocoa, and liquor or coffee - stir to combine
bake in 8X8" glass pan, preheated 350 degree oven ~17 minutes - more or less depending on your preference for chewy vs. more well done brownies

All the other people with the good stuff...