Well - to serve this particular man...
I don't seem to have the right recipe these days....
All the lovely stories - controlled, contained, led along to discover the wonderful world of pain, and pleasure, and being owned. It would be just challenging enough, but in a feel good, sexy way...
of course, that serves me
but - god - do i want that - i want to walk in the door after work and abdicate all responsibility for anything - undress, sit quietly somewhere, fetch drinks and wait to be used...
i want the control too - someone to be my personal life coach, to keep me on track, to hold me accountable, to readjust my mood when i get a bit off - that would be useful - and sexy....
He has other ideas though
His ideas involve real life, me having some self control, and oddly - wearing clothes.
This is all tongue-in-cheek. But it's real also.
He wants to move things, change them, he says "evolve."
I liked where things had been. Change is scary.
And i am having the hardest time figuring out how to follow, how to let go of my expectations, how to be hopeful about the change (trust?).
And he is having a hard time communicating his wants to me, I think maybe he hasn't got it all completely figured out, exactly where he wants to go or how he wants to be.
Serving seems to involve some very non-sexy things: waiting, trying to remain optimistic when i really want to fall apart, being open to different ways of seeing things, listening instead of assuming, respecting him for trying and learning when i really just want him to provide simple answers.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Yes, oh God yes, and it terrifies me and makes me spin to hear this question, and i don't even know of any other way to answer this. Life is huge, you are huge, complex, in my soul and all around - there is so very much to it, to you, to us.... you are absolutely right for me, across all of it. I wonder every day what i did in my previous life to be so lucky in this one.
But i think what you're really asking is, "are there things you want that I can't give you?" And there are things i think about: some are simply fantasies, some are wishes, and some are things i think i want, would be good for me... And that's the rub - yes - there are things i want, or think i want, that you don't give me (I know the same is true for me to you).
Fantasies are just that - fantastical, not meant to be reality, ever. Wishes are fine - but i've never been one to get lost in wishing and miss the here and now.
And the last - the things i think i might want, - here's the thing - i don't want you to give me what i want just because i want it, but i do want it to be ok for me to have the wants, i want it to be safe, for you to maybe even use that for yourself.
And yes - i see the irony, the contradiction. I'm drowning in irony in fact. I want, i want, i want - i want you to control all of my wants, but i know you won't entirely do that, and in refusing to do what i want, you are...
It's on me - i need to figure out how to make it work, how to work with you, your way.
When you described it, what you want for us, your way - i felt peaceful and joyful and very much yours. When i try to be that - i feel lost, and very far away from you, and twisted around.
And i am twisted around - because i can see that it only gets bad when i start wanting, for me. And then i get trapped in that and can't see beyond myself.
I am working to shift my focus, to follow you.
Yes - you are the right man for me - absolutely. Please - I need your help.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
So simple my kids make them all the time, easy to have the ingredients on hand all the time, and just plain really good brownies.
1 stick butter (4 oz)
2 oz unsweetened baking chocolate (2 squares)
1 cup sugar
3/4 cup all purpose flour
1 tsp vanilla
1 Tbsp powdered cocoa
4 oz kahlua liquor or 6 oz strong cold coffee
gently heat butter and baker's chocolate on the stovetop
add small amount of butter/chocolate to egg and stir to temper then add the rest then stir
add sugar, flour, vanilla, cocoa, and liquor or coffee - stir to combine
bake in 8X8" glass pan, preheated 350 degree oven ~17 minutes - more or less depending on your preference for chewy vs. more well done brownies
All the other people with the good stuff...