Friday, July 24, 2015

quick trip

My sons' schedules have lined up this summer pretty much perfectly to insure that there is almost always one of them around the house.

It was my older son's turn to cook dinner last night (yes - my sons cook, yes it is wonderful for so many reasons).  When he got home from work, he decided he wanted to do a bit more than what he had originally planned.  And the younger son wanted to get a few more things for his turn today.  So - quick trip to the grocery store for both of them, together!

I asked my husband very nicely if he could please beat me.  He gracioulsy obliged.  It was short, and fast, only the crop and the very thin cane - oh and his teeth.  A really quick trip to subspace - he knows just how to do that. He also gracioulsy allowed me to come, hard.  A few quick minutes of lying together remembering how much we like and need this. Then the car pulling into the driveway.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

the un-sexy side of M/s

Keeping M/s in the bedroom would never really have worked for us - i think we both realized that a long time ago.

It would be fun to have a relationship that was only about sex and intimacy and the play of power with all that.  I think that (very, very hypothetically speaking) I could easily compartmentalize a relationship that involved play and pain and sex and fun neurotransmitters, completely apart from house and kids and jobs and pets and yardwork and family and politics and, and, and.....  That play/sex relationship could be incredible - no distractions, nothing to bring it down, nothing but the fun.  Since it's hypothetical - neither or us would ever be stressed, or under the weather, or unavailable either.  ....oh, wouldn't it be loverly...?

I'm not, in fact, interested in engaging in any sexy fun, or intimacy of any kind, with anyone but my husband/Master - and neither is he (with anyone but me).  That means that there is no real compartmentalizing - we each get the whole package, warts and all - ups and downs, fun and frustrations, our whole selves, all the time.  Of course - it's the fact that we bring all of ourselves and our years together that allows us to be who we are with each other; the knowing and the trust are just so much more than they could possibly be with anyone else.  That hypothetical, sexy fun would be so much more superficial and limited than with Him - it just wouldn't be the same.

Being His - really His - means serving too.  I don't really mean keeping house, cooking, cleaning... Honestly - i did all that before and i would need to do it no matter what.  Our division of labor (yes - there is a division of labor, he does a lot for me/us) looks like it always did and like a million other married/working families.  I try to do nice things for him - i do think i could do more, something to work on for sure.  And he does nice things for me -  i don't think that will ever change, not outside of a scene or particular circumstance he sets up.

Serving means putting my ego and my wants aside to put his ahead.  I've always thought that concept didn't fit for me.   I would read people write about, "I live to make Him/Her happy, I just want to please Him/Her..."    I've wondered if slave/submissive really fit for me - i do not always and in every case have his wishes/desires/happiness as my first impulse.  My own ego asserts itself pretty strongly and i often struggle with feeling hurt, deprived, put-out, whatever.  I do like to be able to please him, and i love him - i love it when he's happy, content, satisfied, enjoying himself, at peace, feeling good...

When doing what i can to help bring about his happiness and good feelings, wellbeing, etc., conflict with my wants and desires, i have to work to make that choice and to act on it.  And i don't always succeed.  It is especially hard when what he needs is room and freedom to see to the things he needs to take care of, when i can't materially help him, i can only back up and let him do what he must.  The un-sexy, serving part of it is waiting patiently for his attention and time, relieving what burden I can, not being more of one.

It is full of paradoxes, this lifestyle: i am both more self-less (though hardly where i would want to be) and more greedy than ever before; and wants both of those from me, plays them both and enjoys them (putting words in his mouth - i believe he does in any case).

Tuesday, July 7, 2015


Vacation was great - incredibly scenic, physically challenging, adventurous, unique, and long enough that, as great as it was, and it was, we were ready to come home when it was time.  There was time for relaxation, time for introspection (even the teen boys), time for adrenalin (especially the teen boys but also the grown up one), and lots and lots of time together.  (Re-entry has been a bit harsh - we're all sleep deprived and completely off schedule, but that will fix itself.)

We were together as a family 24/7.  We are, of course, always a family, always 24/7 - just not always so together so closely.  And it was good.  As the boys get older, they really have grown and matured, the whole dynamic between them and among all of us changes - sometimes and is some ways really nicely.

We are each - He and I - parents 24/7.  These two are our first time being parents (obviously, but i sometimes forget this is true and important past the toddler stage).  Each new phase still comes with a brand new learning curve.  This still takes energy - less physically these days, but more mentally and emotionally than ever.

We are our respective professions also.  We both try hard not to be that 24/7, but neither of our jobs is just 9 - 5 either.

We are husband and wife 24/7.  That alone covers a lot of territory - parenting, but also running a household, planning for and doing all the things now, planning and doing for our future, enjoying each other's company, adapting to life and each other as things flow along, being intimate, being concerned, taking care of each other, being annoyed or even angry sometimes, being joyful with each other.

He owns me and I am His 24/7 also.  And just as parenting is a near constant learning curve, and what it entails to be husband and wife evolves and flows and adapts, this looks and feels different day to day and over the longer arcs of time.  Somehow though, I seem to expect this part of us to be more predictable and static.  I assume it will look and feel the same all the time, to work the same way all the time.  When i reach out for it, I look for it in the same forms and manners all the time.  I behave and react as if it is always the same.

Not recognizing and growing with the M/s aspects of us is about as effective as it would be to still relate to each other as husband and wife as we did when we were first learning each other, or to parent now as if my boys were still toddlers.