Monday, September 30, 2013

both true

I am, as I may or may not have ever alluded to here, a scientist.  Which, in my case, accounts for the constant wondering.

There have been many aspects of this whole thing that escape my full understanding.  Part of that is probably due to the fact that i live almost entirely in my head and i'm not very comfortable with heart side of things.

One of the things that has never made sense to me is the, "Are D and s (or M and s, or whatever) equal or unequal?"

Of course they are equal - my rational brain says - both are human and thus equal.  In the rest of my existence i reject anything that says some class of people (women, race, disability, etc...) are less than others, in any way, not even the "of course they are equal, but one is just a little bit more equal."  That's BS.  Classes of people are certainly treated that way - but that doesn't make them ontologically less than.

Plenty of rhetoric pushes the unequal by nature view, especially the view that women are by nature less than: in this world - just look around at a number of tumblers, women are dirt, made to be owned and abused...; and outside of this world - well - you don't have to really look far at all.

The other rhetoric one hears is that to be a slave one has to give up equal rights, actually- one has to give up all rights, that the definition of true slave is giving up any voice or any choice, forevermore.

I can't live by rhetoric, there's too much of it, it's all conflicting, and it's a silly way to try to make one's way through the world anyhow.

But - in my heart, inarticulate and stunted tho it is, i have felt a dissonance in trying to reconcile serving, submitting, giving in to, and being owned -  with the idea of remaining equal, esp in remaining equal in power in the relationship.

I entered into this because it felt right, it spoke to me, actually - it kicked me in the gut and knocked me over. It was all illogical, nonsensical, entirely feeling, heart - there was and is no rational way to see why submitting and eventually being owned is a good thing.

And my heart tells me that to give myself, it has to be unconditional, that what i want, what is best for me and for us, is for him to have the power, all of it.

But my head tells me that of course i can withdraw consent: any extreme, unexpected thing could happen, and both of us want us protected and making right choices, him included.  Tori explains it clearly here.

My rational brain also points out that, if i can withdraw consent, then i hold the ultimate power. In reality, each time i choose to submit could be the time i choose to say no.  And if i hold that power - then it looks like he actually has none.  From a purely objective POV - he has to hope that each time he tells me anything, i will go along.  From the outside, that looks like a terrible position to be in - it looks whiny and weak and desperate and like he's totally fooling himself if he thinks he has any power at all...

Of course - i am submissive, i want to submit, i am more right in my skin than i ever have been before in being owned by him - so i NEED him to own me.  I'm not going to jeopardize that.  Also - i've made a commitment - a very important one.

The two are going to have to live side-by-side.  I've given myself to him, he owns me, he has power over me, at all times, in all ways.  I am equal and i can remain his and yet withdraw my consent.

Addendum: It has been pointed out to me that both of us have the same right and obligation of consent in this and that i ignored that side of it all.  Partly that was poor writing on my part - the thing i was trying to express had to do with the dissonance between my feeling of wanting to give him all of me, without reservation or condition, and the rational fact that of course i it involves consent.  I got lost with a bunch of stuff that wasn't so related to that point.

The irony is that I certainly know that he has as much say or consent to give or withdraw as i do - I offered my submission and had to wait for him to carefully consider to accept or not.  He accepted my offer, but on his own terms.  His terms never feel like my way re-packaged and coming from him - his way is always very clearly his way, and that leaves no doubt ever that he would change or stop or withdraw his domination as he sees fit.   

Friday, September 20, 2013


When one's husband/master gestures, out of the blue, in the evening, for you to join him in the bedroom,

and you had mentioned suggestively, earlier in the day, that you are rather worked up and in the mood for some serious one on one,

and you're also now on edge because of news about a deeply hopeless situation that you received earlier that evening,

And you're head hurts and your muscles are on knots because of it....

Apparently, when he gestures, and then you note that his intentions involve a plug, and not any of the fun/pain/lovely sensation things you had kinda been wishing about all day,

The correct response is not to whine or joke about what you had been hoping for,

Nor to scoff, even politely, at what he is offering/requiring,

Apparently, the right response is, "thank you," or "thank you, Sir," or even, "thank you for not choosing the largest one, Sir."

Sunday, September 15, 2013


for all the usual things of course

but right now, especially -

for yesterday and making time

for yesterday and leading me through it, making it right for me but not catered to me

for wanting it for me - for knowing what i need, and when, and how
   for working with that instead of resenting it or turning away

and for wanting it for yourself - for getting hard at the mention of the cane, or the sound of my whimper
   for reveling in learning how to play my body and my psyche
   for giving me the freedom to be me and to know it pleases you

for steadfastness in doing things your way
   because my way would change with the wind and the moon and the price of tea
   because knowing we will go your way gives me the deep and foundational trust for all the rest
   because i couldn't imagine, explore, contemplate, or fantasize without that trust
   because no matter how much my mind wanders or flits about, i am deeply devoted to you in this and  in all        things

for making it your way to listen and consider and work when it's hard to change your instinctive response
   because it's your way and that makes it not in-congruent
   because our family needs us both
   because teenagers are just that hard

for using your power for good

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

drive safely!

My husband hates to be a passenger in a car.  He always drives.  (Well - he will defer to good judgement on long drives when he's too tired to be safe.)

He says it's a control thing.

For the longest time (kinda still sometimes) I took this as a condemnation of my driving skills.  There's an awful lot of subtle in, "I think you're a great driver honey, I just am not comfortable as a passenger when you drive."

And he always tells me to drive safely: when i leave in the morning, when i leave work to come home, on long trips...Actually - lots of men do that, to me, not just to their own wives, and other men do it to other women.  And - I don't think they do it to other men - tho i've not payed too much attention.  And i tell my 16 year old that...  I wonder what the message is here?

I have in fact gotten royally off-put by the insinuation that i'm not a good driver; it has been the source of more than one blow out.

So - what is it about that?   He actually sucks at being a passenger with anyone - not just me.  It really is a control thing with him - and i know that.  Prior to these days - i complained, he said, "Yup - I know - it's a control thing, I'm sorry, deal with it, I'm not changing."  Now - i don't get to complain so much and i have to try harder to hide my off-puttedness.

But the telling me to drive safely - i still waffle on that:
         of course i drive safely, what else would i do?
                              awww - how sweet, he cares and wants me home safely
    does he think i'm an idiot?         i've been driving longer than he has
                    he's telling me to take care of what's his - isn't it good to be the thing that's his?
        yea, yea, whatever, i gotta go now.......

Sunday, September 8, 2013

the cane

the thin one that sears straight to my brain and doesn't bloom out to other regions the way more thuddy pains do

i've asked to bring this back - which makes this something he is doing for me - i suppose it always was - but it makes the headspace around it very different than presenting myself to fulfill a desire or need of his.  

i know the number - i know ahead of time if it's going to be too many - or even worse - too few

i know i need to surrender to this - not just the pain, not even just the surrender to him - i need to allow the pain and the surrender to him to truly impact me; i need to be open to it effecting change within me, in the moment, for the day and over time

that's a lot to ask of one thin little piece of dried plant material

but i need this

i need the pain, i need the act of surrendering, i need the change within me, i need the courage to ask for more when it isn't enough, and i need the trust in him that 'for me' is really 'for us' and ultimately what he wants

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

a new flavor

Over the past 48 hours he's introduced a new flavor.  And it's been very difficult for me to describe to him the effect because the effect has been different from anything else.

I'm also not really sure how to describe what he's doing differently, although it's not at all subtle, so it shouldn't be so hard to put my finger on.

He grabs me, unexpectedly and harshly, by my hair, my throat, my jaw.  He  forces my attention and tells me what i'm for, what he plans for me, what he wants.  He's done this - it seems like every 10 minutes through the day and night.  It's not - but it's often, and sudden, and on the verge of discovery by other people.  He touches and strokes and arouses precisely when i can't respond visibly or out loud.  He prods and pinches and scratches, painfully, just to hear me whimper.   He makes me self-conscious and won't allow me the comfort of a nervous laugh or looking away.  He allows me no interaction, i'm object only; then he shifts in a heartbeat to, "good girl, that's what i wanted," then in another heartbeat to the vanilla world around us as if nothing else ever existed.

It feels like he is creating two me's - much more defined, distinct from one another:  I'm the me the rest of the world sees - that transition i've been learning, I'm used to that dichotomy -His vs.  mother, daughter, sister, my work role, all the other roles we all have.

But the submissive me, the slave.... it feels like there is a splitting there as well: His - his good girl, his submissive wife, his companion sitting at his feet vs. His object - not a companion or wife at all - His toy but without the affection  - fierce ownership, desire, but not affection, just His to use then set aside.

That second one is new - I've felt glimpses or echo's of it, but to be more explicitly the object is brand new. Over the past 48 hours, every time he yanks me into this object mode, i fall more quickly and more deeply - more floaty, more focused on him, less aware of anything else around, more pliable, more sensitive to his touch and his cues, more aroused; craving to be his good girl and not the object, but above all else, wanting to do or be whatever he wants.

Once upon a time, i thought there was an endpoint to the things to discover in all this, to my depths and to his, or at least a very level plateau.  I think maybe there are so many flavors and so many facets.