Wednesday, August 31, 2011


good girl vs little girl
It was drilled into us in college - not to use the word girl - cuz it's demeaning and condescending and disrespectful

and sometimes it really is - i've met those people and had it used on me that way - it sucks

but now i love hearing good girl, being his girl.  it's a special kind of code - has a special meaning - from him

I had a coworker who said "good girl" to me- it surprised me - i don't know him well, but it wasn't disrespect - I have no idea if this is just his way - or if it slipped out  - makes you wonder

but the other day - i was being a little - perhaps - annoying. My husband used "little girl" in a quite pointed way - not a compliment or term of endearment at all - it sent a whole different message and was it's own code word - i wasn't what he wanted at that moment.

Friday, August 26, 2011

it's good to be reminded

Lot's of weeks, when he's gone and life is busy and i get totally caught up in my work and taking care of the kids, i move into a different mindset.

I start to forget I'm his, not really my own.  The longer or more busy and stressful the time apart, the further away i get from really knowing that.  Not that i doubt it - if anyone asked i would certainly say it was so without any hesitation.

But my deeper consciousness forgets it.  I can say the right words and give the right answers, but i have to force it, i don't feel it; i put it on instead of it coming from within.  Sometimes i can't even put it on.  Sometimes - well - sometimes i say all  the wrong things all the wrong way.

So it's a good thing when he comes home and right away he reminds me, forcefully and with few words, that i am his.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

proving ourselves

There are some submissive sorts of things that my husband doesn't want, or ask of me, or care to have in place: things like addressing him by a title, my not using furniture, or my not speaking without permission.  When i've asked him why or why not, he says it's because he doesn't need to prove himself and doesn't need me to prove myself.  

That seems like a straightforward answer; but, even just in trying to write that sentence, it becomes clear that it isn't so simple.  Prove what?  To whom?  What would be adequate proof of anything anyhow?  Prove himself to me? To someone else?  Anyone else? This is clearly not a concern for him in the least.  Prove to me that he is - what? - in charge, superior, in control, better, bigger, stronger?   That he is looking out for me?  That he is in our relationship and in our hearts what we have said we are to each other?

I grew up in a household in which the phrase, "if you loved me, you would ........." was always in the air.  That was how i believed love was supposed to work.

With my first few serious boyfriends, i played that game.  Pop culture and media fed right into this of course: if you loved me you would bring flowers, set up romantic dates, make grand plans, maybe write poetry....  It seemed like exactly how it was supposed to work and it's how everyone did it.  Of course i had to play my part too - cute little surprises, maybe stuffed animals, celebrate the anniversary of everything, wear sexy clothes, fancy underwear underneath, and of course put out.

It all felt so uncomfortable, so difficult and awkward.  I assumed the problem was me though, not the system.  "Of course this is how love works, I'm just not very good at it."   Towards the demise of my last relationship, before my husband, I caught myself telling my then boyfriend that if he were really devoted to me he should get me a specific gift.  He did, and when i opened it, my heart sank - i realized all at once how completely stupid it all was, how stupid I had been.

I've not played those games since.  And neither has my husband, even dating, courting, neither of us fell into that trap.  There has never been even an implied, "If you loved me...."  between us.

In the context of our D/s relationship though, i find myself very much wanting to prove myself, or wanting to show him, or to please him.   Are those three different?  Or are they just shades of the same impulse:  if i narrow it down to "prove to him" i think they are just degrees of the same thing.  I have a strong desire to show him my love, my appreciation, my affection for him.  And a very strong desire to submit, to him.

This is where it gets sticky for me.   If it isn't as proof of my willingness to do as he asks, to follow him - what are acts of submission?  And for that matter - if not ways to request i prove my willingness to do as he asks - what is dominance?

He does have in place other rituals or rules that would seem to be similar in nature to the ones he doesn't care for.  Thing that seem to be ways to ask me to submit or to prove my willingness - things like obtaining permission before getting in bed, having a bedtime, etc.  He so clearly enjoys much of the structure of the whole thing and he often exercises his right to ask anything of me, at anytime. Often it seems he asks things of me for his amusement - and that is a great feeling, to be able to amuse and entertain him.   Those are usually fairly simple things, but they make him happy.

Sometimes i feel like he does test me, which is the same as saying a way of asking for proof.  But i think they are tests when he feels i need to be tested, either for the containment of it, or the refocus, or because i doubt myself and need to see myself succeed.  But honestly, it has never felt like he asks anything of me because he is trying to reassure himself that i will comply.  And it never seems that he needs the test to satisfy something within himself.  

Frankly, i think i wish he would want to test me more, that he would really need that, thrive on it, get off on it.  Somehow I feel like he should crave harder and harder things of me, so he can satisfy his dominance - so i can prove my submission.  Every once in awhile, i do catch myself thinking, "if you were dominant, you would..."   But then the obvious hits me: that's about me wanting to satisfy my submissive cravings and desires at that moment, and has nothing to do with what he is or isn't.  Just as "if you loved me, you would..." has nothing to do with love.

Friday, August 12, 2011

his response

His response to my previous post was along the lines of, "So, it sounds like you want me to be more of a pain in the ass all the way around"


Yes and no

That's kind of the jist

 In a number of ways, "more of a pain in the ass" would be good for me

But i hate the thought that you think I'm telling you what to do or how to be

And i hate feeling like i'm doing that

But i need a way to tell you these things - for all the reasons i mentioned

It is hard for me to just say something and then trust that how you act on it is all up to you

Of course there are lots, lots more words in my head - but they are sooo redundant.  

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

things he might not know

So often he surprises me by the things he knows - things i hadn't realized, especially about myself, or things i have no idea how he knew...

I find it hard to tell him things i think i know that i think he doesn't know.

Not silly everyday stuff - i have no problem being a smartass - or playing dumb then surprising him by knowing things he thought i had no interest in whatsoever (think sports or politics).

I mean i find it hard to tell him things i think will burden him or worry him

that  i'm drifting or unraveling when he's distracted, preoccupied, stressed and far away
that  i need him to come find me and bring me back
that i'm approaching the point that the doubts and paranoia about his not wanting this or me anymore are creeping into the edges of my consciousness

How can i want to add to his stress?  But the further apart we get and the more out of control my doubts get, the harder it is for me to do or be anything useful for him.

I  find it hard to tell him things i want or wish or believe would be good for me, good for him to do or ask of me.

that checking up on me and what he's asked me to do makes me feel silly and defensive, but also secure and cared for - and that i worry he will think less of me because i do feel this way 
that small little rituals mean a lot to me, a little goes a long way to helping me feel his presence 
that sometimes slightly bigger gestures would help bring me back to where i work best - and where he likes me to be - things like making me wear cuffs to sleep, plugging me, a few hard swats, asking me to be at his feet

Saying these things feels too close to the very, very uncomfortable territory of asking him to take charge - then telling him exactly how to do just that.  But i also recognize the simple fact that, as much as he surprises me with what he does realize about me, he can't know what i think and feel unless i tell him.  And even more importantly, if i keep these things to myself - it eventually becomes an unconscious game of waiting to see if he will figure it out on his own.  Testing him isn't fair to him or good for either of us.

It comes down to the many areas in which i still haven't let go of the control - i decide what i tell him, i decide how much to let him see, i decide what i think i should present to him, or not.  I can (and do) tell myself that he probably doesn't want this control anyhow, it's likely an area he has no interest in venturing into.  If he hasn't asked and hasn't pushed - he must not care.  And if i do (like i'm doing right now with this post) tell him about these things, i worry he will take it as an indictment or a test of some sort.  Because i haven't seen the way around this catch 22, this is my attempt at a way out.

I can say these things now because i'm pretty level headed right now - things are ok and fairly well balanced.  When i feel adrift and out of control, i am less and less able to see the reasonableness of these things.  I'm also less able to show him the unreasonable me, although i imagine he knows her well anyhow.

Monday, August 8, 2011


I keep trying to write this post - and i keep thinking there is some big revelation here that i'm missing - lots of deep thoughts i should be having.  I've written and deleted paragraphs - and decided it is really simpler than all that: following where he leads is a good thing.

There is a time and place for everything - the deep, the dark, the harsh, the difficult and challenging, but also for the lighter side.  And if that is where he wants to go - i should follow, and it might even be good for me, for us.

We live in an old house which means no central air.  We have a window unit in our bedroom and during the most recent heat wave we had an evening alone together.  He emailed a list to me to have on hand before he got home: ice cream - my choice of flavor, ice (we have no ice maker either), a light dinner; also shower/shave, and lay out all the toys he owns, arranged by type.

So we retreated to the relative coolness of our bedroom.  We had dinner in bed, then some playtime, a break for ice cream (mocha chocolate chip), and more playtime, a drink of ice water and some cuddling, and more playtime....

Not that it was feather ticklers and strawberries and champagne in bed.  He worked his way through most of the "things you can hit someone with" implements he has, thankfully skipping the paddle i hate the most. And the spanking bench made an appearance.  I was at times plugged, and bound, and tortured with that rolling inside out pincushion.  And nevermind the attention he payed to making me come.

We even got to try out the needles he gave me as my birthday present.  I was excited but very nervous about that.  He took it slow and had a grin on his face the whole time.  He insisted I watch this first time -and it was lovely. I should have realized -  there is a huge flood of sensation as they go in, then (sort of) nothing, then another flood of sensation on the way through from underneath the skin.  It's a whole different kind of sensation, and a whole different kind of focus: a more narrow and much more concentrated connection between us.

He played with me - just explored and tried things and worked things out.  Things made an impact, I felt them, i felt the pain, and i was floating gently, but nothing was extreme or even very difficult.  There were no safewords - but a lot of checking in and open and intimate conversation about how i was doing, what i was feeling, how my body and mind were responding.

It didn't have that edge, no fear, and no struggle to accept the pain or the unknown. No struggle to submit.   And somehow that was it -  in my head it had to be a struggle to be submission.  But apparently not.  Maybe there is something for me to learn from that about more mundane, everyday aspects of this submission thing too.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

tag - you're it

I said i would do it - said i would be the one to take the heat, to push the changes, to try to protect, to stand up and say 'enough.'

This has been my role anyhow.  Also, i'm really the only one who can.

But it sucks - in the ways i expected it to, and in lots of painful, twisted, unexpected ways i had never imagined.

And of course, changes never stick all the way.  There is lots of backsliding and excuse making and justifying, and we are only a little ahead of where we were before.  After all that.

So now he works from a position of even greater power, and guess who's in his sights.  The shots land with deadly accuracy and i absorb them.   It's ok, that's my job.

I sometimes think i wish my husband were into the mind games, the mind fuck.  But he's not - he's straightforward, direct, and doesn't play games.  But it might be dark and exciting and oh so cool to have him toy with me,  to manipulate my feelings, my desires and my will, to play me like a puppet....

Now i realize i've had that - the manipulation, the guilt, the ability to push just the right buttons, the ability to cut to the core.....  If he did try to play games, he would only trigger the million land mines in my head and probably blow us both up.

And the "daddy" thing - i'm very, very comfortable using the word never.