Tuesday, December 30, 2014

nervous energy

I've been feeling very, very un-submissive recently.  I don't walk around in a submissive haze typically, but something has been off.  My impulse whenever he asks me or tells me to do something - is to laugh - not laugh in his face defy him, and not quite a nervous giggle - but somewhere in between.

I feel a little like my emotions have had too much coffee.  They're just a little tightly wound and not soft or compliant.  I'm a pretty busy person normally - not fidgety or one big ball of energy - but my mind is always going and i'm more of a do-er than a sit and watch-er.  He wants me as I am generally, but with him, alone, he really likes soft and compliant too.

I've been going with the 'fake-it-til-you-make-it' method - trying to hide the storm under the surface and just doing what i need to - leaking a little -  a little more sass than usual, some resistance not exactly when he would want it -  but trying to comply anyhow.

Then i bit him.  He really, really does not want to be bitten, it's a big off-limits.  He made that very clear, immediately. And I burst into tears, sobbing.

He adjusted his tack a little while still reinforcing the no-biting, that was totally unacceptable, lesson.  And after, we talked.  He wasn't excited about the idea that I've been doing as he wants out of a sense of obligation to a promise i made.  And i tried to explain that it isn't exactly that - I want to be his, i want to be as he wants me, but my head isn't cooperating.   He asked me what i am feeling - the only thing i could come up with was nervous energy - emotionally pacing back and forth, jumpy.   I tried to explain 'just doing until things go back to the way they belong.'

It doesn't feel like i've felt in the past when i just want to feel him more, when i need the leash shorter, but i think that's what is likely to happen.  And likely it's what i need.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

little big things

Sometimes he affects me in ways that I don't think he realizes.  Most of the time I'm wrong; he does realize.

I don't think i have the right personality (meaning i am too insecure in many areas) to be an emotional masochist in the ways i understand it.  I would never survive, i would be crushed irreparably, if he insulted me in ways i thought he meant as true insults, or threatened to withdraw - really withdraw, or did anything to make me think he truly didn't love or want me.  I know this is an incredibly subtle distinction given that he beats me and calls me names and makes fun of me and uses selective withdrawing to correct my behavior.  Context is absolutely everything.

But he plays it just right. He uses some of my deepest insecurities and plays just with the edges of them.  And not just plays with them: he makes me continue to do or to face the thing, to continue to be the way that is very shaky for me. Without discussion, reassurance or even acknowledgement that is what he's doing.  That's part of the insecurity and part of the challenge - I have to believe he knows what he's doing and that he's intentionally doing it and that it's how he wants me to be.  I have to trust that this is me submitting and not just him being an ass.   It's all completely specific to me: likely anyone else would not even notice, or think me a huge baby.  But they have a big impact on me.

It's the same with some physical things.  To say i am insecure about my body would be the understatement of the century.  Logic would say that he would not do anything to push that.  And he does build me up in all the ways a husband does - he loves my body - even if i don't.  But he owns my body along with the rest of me, and he doesn't shy away from that.

Limb lopping is hypothetical and ridiculous (certainly for us), to the point of being meaningless as a discussion.  Toying with perhaps more realistic hypotheticals however is hot - he teases me with the idea of nipple piercings, is fascinated by fire play....  Again - context is everything - i know those would be so boring to others.  Controlling my dress or hairstyle, having me get tattoos or piercings, those are things i think i would find appealing, would make me feel submissive.

Instead,  he does small things to my body that i would put a stop to if we were different.  For example, the canings are leaving discolored, rough, hard areas on my ass - not something that goes away with lotion - but a visible, tactile, not so nice, not at all what you would want, area on each cheek.  It has to be less attractive than the pre- version, less attractive on a person who has pretty deep insecurities about my attractiveness. I've pointed this out - in case he hadn't noticed.  He treats it like just like he does the more mental things: he doesn't discuss or acknowledge it.   He looks at my ass a whole lot more often than i do and i have to trust that he wants it this way.

These are little things -  but they hit a very specific spot for me.  I think that's part of his dominance - has always been it for him -  he sets the pace and the tone and it isn't usually grand, sweeping gestures - it's things that are intimately and specifically aimed at challenging me.

Friday, December 19, 2014

resistance is.........

FUTILE, always, ultimately

PHYSICAL - turning away, closing my legs, pulling against the restraints, pushing him away

FUN - for both of us, in different ways, but not always at the same times.  He tells me he likes it when i try to fight back; whispers it in my ear, goads me with it.

FRANTIC - I have a feeling that he starts having his fun at the point that I begin to move from fun to just a little bit fearful

More FAR-REACHING  - resistance can also be mental: it can be disobedience, or hesitance, or reluctance, or surliness, or silliness.  He teases and goads me to try to resist him, but he also tells me he wants me compliant, obedient....

FRUSTRATING - for him, or maybe that's not quite the right word - exasperating, incomprehensible maybe, or maybe it really is just frustrating.  Because i resist in many ways - i disobey (temporarily), I hesitate, I'm surly, I'm silly, i try to talk my way out of things...

My FALLBACK more often than it should be.  I truly do worry that compliant will get boring very quickly.  That he will lose interest once he has me so easily (in all the ways).  The well broken in horse, or pair of shoes for that matter, may be useful and reliable, comfortable, but they aren't interesting, or desirable.
A FRONT sometimes - because - see above.  And because he says he likes it when i try to resist, and he says he wants me compliant - and I can't be both, so i choose to believe he really wants the former and not the latter.

FUTILE - none-the-less, but still very confusing.

Sunday, December 14, 2014


He still canes me daily - the number of the date, although he keeps threatening that next year he will start at one and add another each day till 365....

His new twist is that i'm not allowed to count.  I guess i don't accept it or respond the way he would like when i know how many are left.  I do (did) find myself more gritting it out than letting it happen. Maybe that's what he meant.

Not counting though is like asking someone to see words and not read them.  I had to use tricks to keep myself off the count - loudly (in my head), "3, 10, 4, 2, 8, 8, ......."  Which kept me from knowing how many had finished and how many were left, but still I was more toughing it out than anything else.  Although, if there were enough dates, i would eventually let go and open up to it.

Oddly, when it's not the date/maintenance caning, when it's whatever impact because that's what we do  - i never count.  He always has a number in mind, and (apparently) we always get to that number.  But since i never know what that number is, I stopped counting a long time ago.  [I wonder if he knows this????]

This morning (with 4 or 5 days of catching up to do), i discovered that i didn't count at all, didn't use any tricks, my mind was just there and open from the start.  I wonder if he knew that too???

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Party Crackers

Not  a sweet, and they sound deceptively plain, but I promise, they are simple and addictive and just the thing to take to a party.

Party Crackers

5.75 oz (1.25 cups) all-purpose flour
1 t salt
¼ t coarsely ground black pepper
4 oz (1/2 c) unsalted butter, cut into ½“ pieces, chilled
1 large egg yolk
1 T Dijon mustard
2 T sesame seeds, toasted
Kosher salt – for sprinkling – optional

Combine flour, salt, and pepper in a food processor.  Process until just blended.  Add the butter pieces and pulse until the dough resembles coarse crumbs. Stir the yolk and mustard together with a fork and drizzle over the flour mixture.  Pulse until the dough begins to form moist crumbs that are just beginning to clump together.  Add the sesame seeds and pulse very briefly – just 2 or 3 quick pulses or the seeds will break down too much.

Pile the moist crumbs on an unfloured surface.  With the heel of your hand push and gently smear the crumbs away from you until they start to come together in a cohesive dough.  Using a metal spatula, lift up the edge of the dough and fold it into the center.  Repeat with the opposite edge. Turn the dough 45 degrees and give the dough another smearing and shape it into a log that is 1.25” in diameter.  Wrap in plastic and refrigerate until firm, about 4 hours or up to two days.  (May also be frozen for up to a month and then thawed on the counter for an hour or in the fridge overnight). 

Heat oven to 375 degrees.  Line two baking sheets with parchment.  Using a thin, sharp knife, cut the log into ¼” slices.  Arrange about ½ “ apart on the prepared sheets.  Bake until medium golden around the edges and bottom, 14 – 17 minutes, rotating the sheets as necessary.  If you like – sprinkle the crackers with kosher salt just as they come out of the oven.  Set the sheets on racks to cool.  When completely cool, store in an airtight container. 

6 oz (1.5 c) all-purpose flour
3 oz (1.25 c) finely shredded sharp cheddar cheese (or half cheddar and half Parmigiano-reggiano)
1 t salt
1/8 to ¼ t cayenne pepper
4 oz (1/2 c) unsalted butter, cut into ½“ pieces, chilled
1 large egg yolk
2 T water
1.5 oz (1.33 c) medium finely chopped walnuts (or pecans or pine nuts)
Kosher salt – for sprinkling – optional

Combine flour, salt, cheese and cayenne in a food processor.  Process until just blended.  Add the butter pieces and pulse until the dough resembles coarse crumbs. Stir the yolk and water together with a fork and drizzle over the flour mixture.  Pulse until the dough begins to form moist crumbs that are just beginning to clump together.  Add the chopped nuts and pulse very briefly.

Finish as above for sesame crackers ……

These are where all the other yummies are.............

Sunday, December 7, 2014

upset about him watching porn

He works for a company that provides his phone and his computer.  That's so they can have their firewalls, security and monitoring stuff running.  Fair enough i suppose - it's hardly the Defense Department or anything - but i can see that they would want their secrets maintained and systems un-infected.

He isn't crazy about the idea of some of the sites he visits coming up in a review.  So he never accesses 'those kinds of sites' from his company devices.  Also fair enough - not their business and just not worth the hassle to defend or explain.

So he has a tablet to use to access, among other things, my blog - and porn.

Except the other day he informed me that the company will be issuing him a tablet also - all the workers really - so they can appear connected, agile and 21st century I suppose.  Also to be outfitted with firewalls and very expansive/intrusive monitoring software.  Great - for work applications - monitor away, your device, your right.

But this means - at least to me, in my mind - that he will no longer use his tablet, the one and only device from which he accesses my blog, and porn.

My blog i could probably get over - maybe it's run its course and a new method of communicating would fit better for us anyhow - except that - as long as he travels - that would still need to be electronic.

Porn is the real issue for me.  As he pointed out, "You are the only woman I can think of who is so upset (and i was - very upset) about the prospect of her husband watching LESS porn."

Well - yea - but.......

I love that he has a dirty mind, I love that he has desires to expand his dirty mind, I love being the beneficiary of that expansive dirty mind, and I really love getting to see/feel/experience whatever new thing he has stumbled across and decided he likes enough to try.  I don't look like a porn star - and fake, impossible staging, acting, etc aside, I like being able to let him play out things that intrigue him.  I really like that in fact.  I like thinking about him watching something and imagining really being able to carry it out - not just wishing 'if only.'  

We don't talk about his side of things much - so this is largely me imagining how he feels - but i've seen the evil, silly grin often enough to believe he likes it well enough too.

Not sure what will happen now.....  He says he will continue to have and use (carry on planes) two tablets.  I think i'm supposed to believe him and not worry about all this.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

what he wants

I've used this title before i think.  It's a mantra i use sometimes - when my head tries to go places that aren't productive or helpful.  It started when i used to worry that he didn't really want to spank/torture/use/torment/hurt/fill-in-the-blank me, that he was just doing it because i wanted it.

I actually don't think that anymore - he loves all that and more, and i couldn't be happier - well - except when i'm crying - cuz i'm a masochist who actually cries when things hurt. 

But i do still feel I'm less than: less than submissive/slave/dependent/pretty/flirty/girly /solicitous/meek/demure/fill-in-the-blank enough at times.  

It's kind of a running joke here - he won't let me into bed until he feels i'm being 'demure' - it's funny because i'm not sure i would recognize demure if i stepped in it.  He wants me submissive - and he has in mind what that looks like to him - and it very rarely looks like what the world thinks of as demure.  

But that's the key - 'what he wants.'

I get caught up in what i think submissive (for him - an adjective, describing a desirable state of being for me to be in, the more so the better) or slave, or whatever, must be.  That's been my struggle recently - i think i should be meek, a touch helpless, or needy, or girly, or anxious, or quiet, or servile or - well - whatever it is that i am not at that moment.  Then i'm sure i'm doing it all wrong, "i'm just not right for the part in the first place, it's all a big misunderstanding - you would be far better off with one of those other ones over there - look - she's so meek/helpless/quiet/pretty/needy/f*ing DEMURE........."

Like i said - he does have in mind what submissive looks like to him - and the exact picture adapts to the moment of course, but the overall, big picture is not meek, or deferential, or dependent or helpless, or even demure.  Big picture - he wants me to be confident, optimistic, self reliant, to soar, to excel, to spread my wings.  He wants to be impressed by me and proud of the things i accomplish. Ok - so that's a pretty grandiose image - but i think he would agree with the sentiment if not the hyperbole.  Of course, he also likes soft, and compliant, and open, and vulnerable - you know - the good stuff.

Lately i've been stuck in my own box, that i built, in my own head.  My thinking being that  I can't excel or be self-reliant or accomplish and do stuff  - and really be submissive.  That i should pretend or act a bit flummoxed or maybe lost, tone it down a bit..... Sort of like playing dumb to get the boys in high school (I sucked at that too).  

Being me doesn't fit well with the image in my head of submissive, much less slave.  I guess that's a big part of why 'slave' doesn't completely fit.  In the end - i don't live only for, by, and through him.  I have however given all of me to him, however he wants me, for as long as he wants me.   And that's What He Wants.  

And - Owned does fit better - I'm His, What He Wants.  

Note to JZ - this one wrote really fast.