Saturday, October 29, 2011


I have always fought being taken care of, in any context (see my previous post).  Slowly i am learning to accept his input into my life - which means not just being quiet, listening and following through - but also being ok with it in my head - not fighting it mentally even while i do what he ask's.

I think I have learned and grown as much through the time after playing hard as i have from pretty much anything else.  Learning to submit to him physically is one thing: to accept the pain or control, or whatever he chooses, plays right into my tough and strong image of myself.  Of course it has all those sexual benefits, and creates intimacy between us and reinforces our trust and understanding of each other.  But oddly, even when brought to tears, intense play doesn't create the kind of vulnerability in me as his taking care of me afterwards.

It has been an evolution, like everything else.  After intense play, i am of course more open and softer, i feel closer to him and want to be near him; but, i had kept a certain amount of awareness and vigilance in order to be in control of myself, to take care of myself.   Over time though, i have fallen deeper in and i lose myself more and more.  Being able to let go and crawl to him, to really need him, to have my only instinct be to search out the safety of his arms, has had the most profound effect on me.  

Thursday, October 27, 2011

taking care of me

Yesterday was a nuts day and on the way home from bringing the last kid from the last activity, the car suddenly started dragging something large and metal.  Husband out of town means no alternative ride to work tomorrow for me.  None of us (me or the boys) quite fit under the car to wire the shield back into place and I'm not willing to crawl under to do it with the car jacked up with only a tire jack.  Since it was hanging by just one rusty connector anyhow - i decided to pull it the rest of the way off.  Now at least i could go to work tomorrow.

I did call my husband to tell him about it.  I knew he couldn't do anything about it from where he was, and he knew i wasn't calling to ask him to.  We needed to make arrangements to get it fixed for real, and i wanted to tell him about the crazy evening - just because he's my husband and he's who i tell those things to.

It struck me later that this was completely us .  There are things he does for me because that's how we've evolved as a couple (spiders and other big bugs are all his; snakes and bats are my responsibility).  But in the end, if something needs doing, and i'm the one there, i do it.

I have this image in my head of myself as strong and tough.  Actually, I am strong and self reliant  and - well - tough in a lot of  ways.  It sounds very un-feminine and not particularly attractive put this way, and quite often that's how i feel, but my husband appreciates enough of the upsides of it and adamantly professes not to miss the parts i lack.  

He tells people that he truly fell in love with me on our first long trip together, really remote/backcountry camping/canoeing.  I'm sure that whatever feminine charms i may have ever possessed were long gone after a few days of storms and mosquitoes and swamps and sweat, but he was so excited that i enjoyed that kind of thing, knew what i was doing, and carried my own weight.

On the other hand, my image of how i think i am and need to be sometimes interferes with my relationship with him.  It's a twisted, turned around thing - what he wants most is to take care of me; it is what he has always wanted and never felt i really accepted from him.  It seems to be a pretty deep and strong thing for him, and he's right, I wouldn't allow it.  I don't accept help easily.  And the more specific and personal and important it is, the harder it is to accept.  

I wouldn't be able to tolerate being pampered or coddled, or put on  a pedestal - i would hate it.  And that was what i always imagined would happen if i gave in and allowed him to take care of me.  I figured it was just a slippery slope straight to weak and lazy and incompetent.

It turns out that wasn't what he had in mind though.  He had in mind guiding, supporting, protecting, encouraging, advising - all good things really.  And furthermore he never wanted me to slack off, or stop pushing myself or use his help as a reason to not work hard myself.  

As it turns out, this all fits with D/s pretty well.  In fact, it has given me a context to understand and be able to reconcile what he wants with who i am.  He can take care of me: he can direct and advise and influence any part of my life he wants to.  He can also ask or demand that i do things - whatever kinds if things - the point is that the service part of submission sets it up so that i am still expected to work and push myself and not have a chance to get lazy or incompetent. 

And i can accept all of it because i have agreed to accept it - so simple yet such a profound shift for me. I think this was probably intuitive for him - i have a feeling he will say that he knew this all along - it didn't need a special "lifestyle" to work and that i make things needlessly complex.  He's probably right.  

Thursday, October 20, 2011

different way of seeing the same thing

I've had disagreements with people over what goes on inside people's heads.  I can ask my husband and one of my sons at any given moment what they are thinking about and they may have an answer or they may reply, "nothing." I contend it is humanly impossible to be thinking about nothing at all in any waking moment.  This has led to some serious hard feelings because i assume they must be lying, and they of course don't appreciate this assumption.

My other son is very much like me - there is no time that there is not a constant stream of thought, often several at once, running through his head. It is very noisy in there.  And as littlemonkey points out, it is extremely hard to hear oneself really think, hard to form the important thoughts, with all the chatter.

Needless to say, inside my head, a good deal of  the conversation has had to do with my relationship with my husband, with learning how to relate to each other in a whole new way.  But also, in questioning why or how, in wondering if this or that was right or good or not, and in worrying, oh the worrying.  I found in the very beginning that blogging - the act of writing my thoughts in a (hopefully) coherent way helped organize the background noise a bit.  It allowed me to hear and examine certain trains of thought.  It still does.

I don't know if there are important thoughts i should be having- as much as i feel like sometimes i just need to stop the ones i have.  Because there is a portion of the background chatter that is doubt.

If i stop worrying about our dynamic - will it come to a grinding halt?  If i take my eye off the ball, will he drop it?

And yes, this does seem like a lack of trust, or seen another way - my holding onto control.  Which of course worries me and creates a whole new bunch of chatter in my head.

Is there a point at which i am supposed to be able to stop thinking about it all?  Either just stop, or am i missing the part where i am supposed to turn it all over to him?  Honestly, i dont think that would be what he would want; he has no interest at all in me checking out mentally from anything - unless he tells me to - he is in fact very much opposed to that.  So i guess i just answered my own question,  but i also know that he would not want me obsessing about things this way.  He would say to just stop thinking and do.

I talked to him about this: about the fact that i still hold onto some doubt - or lack of trust.   I worry that if i let myself let go and give up the mental vigilance about us, that it will poof away or at least stagnate and die a slow death.  I expected him to be disappointed, or frustrated with me.  To tell me to stop thinking that way.

He said he likes that i think about our relationship, that i want to pay attention to it and not let it backslide, that i want to keep improving it.   He doesn't feel it as a lack of trust in him or an attempt to maintain control.

I have no idea if this is just a nice spin he has put on it, or whether the worry about lack of trust and holding onto control is really only in my head (what are the odds?) and not at all how he sees it.  It's a smart move on his part though.  Telling me not to feel that way or not to worry about it would never work.  Telling me he wants me to be concerned and actively involved in our relationship means it is impossible for me to worry about whether i should stop thinking certain ways.

Monday, October 17, 2011

he's in my head

I would love, love, love to sit here all day navel gazing, and pondering, and coming to a whole new understanding of our lives together, and writing something profound that unlocks new ways of seeing things for me...blah, blah, blah. I could soooo go for another cup of coffee, curl up with a blanket and forget the rest of the world for the day.

Instead, i've already started and finished a number of things, have other things in process, and have a day full of work stuff, and home stuff, and a (f@*&ing long run) lined up on my to do list.

I tried to finish one of several posts i've been working on for awhile, and i can't - because he's in my head.   And i can't drown out his voice long enough to hear my own.  At least not my voice about blogging- because, as much as he does want me to write here, and he likes to read what i write, it's much lower down on his priority list, somewhere after my job, and our home, and the kids, and - oh yea - HIM.  Go figure.

So the post about how we are or aren't really 24/7, and about how i am not sure i really feel submissive enough or in service enough, or dedicated enough to him over my own wishes, will have to wait - because in my head he is now tapping his foot and giving me the evil eye...  Oh the irony!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

things that make you wonder how your head works

My husband summoned me to bed.

As i entered the bedroom, the crop and two canes were lying prominantly out on the trunk.

 A few days ago i had missed doing one of the things i am supposed to do and there had been a demonstration of his feelings about that.  I was reassured that i am indeed supposed to do this thing.

So, at the sight of the implements i started working back to figure out what i had missed, or maybe where my attitude had been off, to make him feel like i needed this kind of attention.

But i came up with nothing.  Now - i'm certainly not perfect - but i thought the past few days had been pretty smooth.

So i asked - "Why the toys?  Haven't i been good?"

And he replied, "Oh you have been a good girl, those are my good girl toys."

Saturday, October 8, 2011

uh huh, sure it is...

The nice lady at the nice furniture store where i was window shopping said it is extra seating to have around, a new concept in living room furniture, but very handy, and that it's really comfortable.  She even demonstrated, sitting perched on it very carefully.  I have to say, she didn't really look comfortable.

It looked a lot like something else entirely to me.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

reality is pretty damn good too

I may not be able to spell out specifics for my fantasies - but two main elements are always there:  the edge of anxiety, the nerves for the unknown and impending; and the disconnectedness.

I think one reason D/s works, or maybe it's just a very happy side effect, at least in the realm of sex, is that it re-introduces that level of on-edge, the butterflies and anticipation that get lost over years of being together.  Kneeling in bed, naked, my back to the door, waiting, hearing him approach, jumping when he finally touches me... There is so much more to it than there was before, I am so much more there, my whole body listens for him.  D/s brings this element of fantasy to reality.

On the other hand, I don't want disconnectedness in my real life.  I miss my husband when he's away, and even more so when we are together but pulled by life in other directions.  I anticipate the times we are able to come back together.  Things change.  My body becomes hyper-aware, sensitized, focused on it's emptiness.  My being becomes lighter, calmer, easier.
Last night he was coming home, but very late.  Through the day there were plans hinted at, tasks assigned, and pictures requested.  The boys went to bed as usual and I waited.  10 minutes after he texted to say he had landed, boy # 1 woke up, wide awake.  This never happens.  My guys sleep! 

So i texted to tell him the boy was up and worked very hard not to give into the disappointment.  I can be a touch pouty and unpleasant when disappointed, it doesn't usually lead to good feelings on either side.

He apparently changed his plans on the go.  I was told to wait on the bed.  He found ways to get me where he wanted me without the noise: he put the leather collar on me and the clamps, he opened me and filled all the emptiness and pushed to the point of pain.  He manipulated and abused me, and in the middle of it all, he whispered in my ear, "You are all mine."

By the end i was trembling and shaking and not thinking on my own.  I was entirely focused on him, could only act if he instructed.  I crawled up the bed and into him.  I couldn't get close enough.  He surrounded me and we drifted off.

I wouldn't trade that feeling for any fantasy, ever!