Sunday, October 31, 2010

day to day - or - being engaged

I have been struggling for about a week now to write about my how i understand our dynamic day to day, specifically how i feel about shifting my mental focus in many ways from me to him.  I don't understand it all; i can't even wrap my head around it all enough to figure out how to write about it.  But this weekend (ironically?) turned into an object lesson in going his way vs. my way. 

My hope/plan for the weekend had been to spend time with the family, do a little yard work and the necessary housework, and have a good bit of time to work ahead at a number of things for my job.  (well - and maybe figure out my thoughts about the meaning of life as pertains to our dynamic - maybe even write that down in a post).   It involved lots of quiet, at home time. 

My husband, on the other hand, had planned lots of engaging activities: things that got us out and involved in the local community, with our kids' friends, our friends, more community - on lots of levels, even extended family.  It is not easy for me to meet new people or put myself into new groups or situations, so none of it was the type of thing i am easily comfortable doing.  Also -  it just wasn't what i had wanted to do.  I know we need to do these things, and each activity we participated in was a good choice and a worthwhile activity.  But my choice would have been different, I would have chosen to miss most of these opportunities. 

It was hard for me to go along, and it has been stressful for me because of the things i didn't get to do, and because of the things i did need to do.  But, I will have to think about it in depth another day: it is Sunday evening and i do need to do a few thigns for work this coming week before i can sleep.  Also ironically - going his way means not having time to think about going his way.   

Maybe that's the plan.....???

Monday, October 25, 2010

a funny thing happened....

I had told him once that i found the idea of caning to be tantalizing in a very "didn't think it would ever happen to me so it was a safe hypothetical" sense.

Last weekend (more than a week ago now) I woke up Saturday morning and couldn't stop crying.  I was exhausted, I was sleep deprived, I was emotionally on edge, and I was barely (ok, not really even barely) holding it together.  I was trying very hard to put out of my mind the fact that incorporating pain into our dynamic was on hold, and i had no idea whether he would decide to make that permanent.

We were able to have some time alone and he had remembered what I had once said about caning.  It was a funny thing: it hurt, it was more intense than anything previously, but I wouldn't ask him to stop.  I was not bound down, only my hands together, and I wasn't completely able to stop myself from jumping around a bit after some of the blows.  But I was supposed to keep my face in the pillow to muffle my cries.  At one point he told me that if I lifted my face again, he would be finished.  After that, I kept my face down. 

It was incredibly good timing on his part.  It made all the difference in me.  I had felt so lost and unsure and so very far away from him.  It is such a funny thing that pain can re-connect two people.

I'm not sure what it means.  He says he is not put off, or feeling wrong about it.  He says he wants to keep going.  Now I need to trust what he says and accept where he goes without questioning and second guessing.  Mostly I need to learn about me and learn how to turn this part of me over to him; that's going to be a tough one I think. 

There was a funny thing that happened after all this.  I felt much, much better the entire weekend.  But by Monday I started feeling blah or just not feeling or thinking much at all.  I didn't feel the warm glow I had over the weekend but I didn't feel like I wanted anything from him either.  I was irritible and pulling away. 

Honestly, I found myself not necessarly wanting to be near him or think about him at all.  It was a feeling I recognized from before we started ttwd.  I was irritated when he asked things of me, I found myself being passive- aggressive, wanting to be separate.  And I found myself resenting him because I thought he should see this and reach in and make me stop feeling this way. 
I was also a bit relieved - maybe this response meant that I had been wrong about the whole pain thing.  Maybe the fact that I fantasized about it didn't really mean that it is what I wanted or needed in reality.  How much simpler would that be?   Even the fantasies went away.  In fact all the cravings were quelched.  I had gotten used to a really, really high level of distraction, arousal, frenzy even about it all.  And that was gone. 
Then another funny thing happened.  It all came roaring back. 

Friday, October 22, 2010

for me, i think it's all active

David and Vesta  both put up very well articulated posts on their respective thoughts about passive vs. active submission.  I have to say that they take slightly different views from each other, and they each made me think.  In both cases, I think they refer to the output of the submissive - (her) outward appearance or demeanor: passive, being quiet, still, demure, waiting to follow rather than initiating, even if to please.  These made me think about the process for me though. And maybe it's telling that my first thought was about how it is for me: that it is all active for me, the process, what it takes me to produce that outward appearance.

Argument could be made that what matters is what is seen, what is experienced by the Dom - not what did or did not go into making that happen. This obviously looks at it from my POV - not his - perhaps that is wrong or at least immaterial. 

In my case, in our case, I believe it is all active.  I have a pretty fair idea, with some exceptions, of what he wants or expects of me day to day, and it's actually all pretty active - there isn't a lot of room in our lives at this phase for inactive.  I'm also pretty certain that he would appreciate much more my actively seeking ways to help, serve, please, etc, vs. waiting for him to direct me, even if i miss the mark sometimes. 

This is not to say he wouldn't like me to be more centered, calm, or still sometimes.  And perhaps it is the case that I have a lot to learn; maybe things that should be so simple for me are more difficult.  But it takes me actively controlling myself to do (or avoid doing) the things that distinguish me now (vs. before) as submissive.  Curbing my attitude, attending to how i respond, deciding and acting the way i should, being quiet, being still - all take effort from me.  Even waiting and being patient, especially this, take active control on my part.   

Every once in awhile, I  try to play the "you decide" card.  I try to sit back and be directed.  It doesn't fly.  He wont let me check out and abdicate responsibility to think and participate.  Even when we play - maybe he wants me to be actively engaged, so he can actively, forcefully dominate, wrestling for it as it were (he wins - he has fun).  On the other hand, if I'm told to be still and be quiet, it takes a great deal of effort to maintain that control sometimes even if I'm bound. 

The only times it approaches passive is well into a session - when my mind kind of pulls into itself somewhat - or when i seek him out to just hold me - and just melt into him.  Oddly, those are the times I would maybe identify as feeling most submissive - and I really, really love those feelings - but they wouldn't ever happen if all the rest didn't come first.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

questions - on both sides

I don't understand why I suddenly returned to the obsessive, frenzied, overwhelming place I had been when submission was new to me.  But I did, except this time around, the focus was pain.  And suddenly there were very intense and dark fantasies where there never had been before. 

We have, since we started ttwd, played with pain.  We have both enjoyed it a great deal, not as punishment, but erotically, as emotional release for both of us, and for the incredible connectedness of it.  The larger world often dictated when and how much we could indulge in this kind of thing.  That was ok, we both missed it, and I noticed an edginess and craving when it got to be too long, but really, not a big deal. 

But this new thing has me out of balance, off track.  Playing 'a little' left me irritated and wanting more, and as time between grew longer, I grew even more off balance, unfocsed, distracted, daydreaming and unpleasant.  I have explained all I can to him about how I feel, what I think, how I have reacted in the past and more recently, how i think i may react in the future, particularly the fact that i think I want (need?) to move beyond my previous comfortable boundries with this.   

He explained that he is not sure: he very much likes the play so far, but isn't sure how he feels about really ramping that up, he isn't sure about being able to maintain what is needed given our lives and schedules, he's not sure what it means for me, or for him, to go deeper into this, something neither of us really understands.  I think, I'm guessing, that he needs to decide how he feels about really hurting me, about the idea of following that path over time, and maybe how he might react to himself in that case. 

I explained that, just as he makes decisions with my wellbeing in mind, I am so glad he is considering the rightness of this for him.  There is a voice in me that says this is not a very submissive way of looking at things, that I should consider only how to follow him and not concern myself with whether he has gone about it the right way or not.  But, submissive or not, I do want him to do what is good for him, and I don't want him to do what is not good for him. 

I told him that I will follow his lead - but explained that the ups and downs of hoping, expecting, waiting and then nothing happening have been very very hard on me emotionally - and have me very off balance.  I asked him to consider not playing in this way at all until he feels he knows how he wants to proceed.

So, for now, I am trying to just put it all back in the box and leave it.  It is a very odd thing to recognize that I have been fighting to control a thing, to be ready to start to relinquish that control, but to need to maintain it unto myself nonetheless.   He recognizes this, and other types of containment he has imposed - physical and more abstract, erotic and mundane, all help.  But we are in a strange place right now. For all the explaining and discussing, I think we are both left with more questions and fewer answers.  It has also left us both feeling a bit of uneasyness, trepidation and maybe wariness.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

real life too

This is one of the many gardens we had at our previous house.  It wasn't a particularly large house or lot, but over the years we had lived there, we had worked to cultivate beautiful gardens all around the yard, right up to the house.   Actually, the gardens were my domain; I relaxed by working in them, I could sit for long periods of time studying and planning for the best conditions and places and plant choices, and I fretted when life or the weather interfered with keeping them healthy and maintained.  We are an outside oriented family so we enjoyed the gardens for a good part of the year, especially considering the climate.  
Over the time we lived in that community, we also cultivated a great number of connections, involvements, and very strong  friendships.  We were engaged in work with organizations, causes, schools, scouts, church, sports,  recreation and civic life.  We were woven into the community.  We derived help and support from those around us and we were able to contribute beyond ourselves in many ways.  I believe both of those are important gifts to be priveleged to receive. 

It was bittersweet to leave that house, our home; but i think that each of us has come to realize that it was just a house, that our home is in fact where our family is.  Community and engagement in the larger world around us are different.  Those are people, and cannot be replaced.  I miss them dearly, so do my husband and my children.  I am happy here in our new home, in my new job, the opportunities for each of us here are unique and exciting.  But there is a lonliness that  creeps in sometimes. There is a sense of being disconnected from the rich tapestry of life we were part of there, and a somtimes profound sense of missing our good friends. 

Our new house is comfortable, and quite lovely really, and we are working to make it feel like ours.  The lot is a bit small, but laid out in a charming way.  I am starting to see the potential.  As I learn the soil and the climate and the local plants, I will begin to cultivate an outdoor space for us here as well.  Likewise, we are slowly finding ways to make connections, to become involved, to cultivate friendships, to engage in the larger world around us.  That will take much more time than the gardens though. 

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

a thing i should have learned in kindergarten

There is a thing I probably was taught in kindergarten, but which I forget all the time: to be thankful for what I do have instead of wishing for something else. 

In a story, in a perfect world, in the faerie tale, he would want to take just exactly the things I most want to give, my desire to please him would be matched at every turn by his desire to be pleased, his sexual needs and fantasies would align precisely in counterpoint to mine.  Having my needs fullfilled isn't supposed to be fullfilling unless it just so happens to be exactly what he needs also. And I keep falling into the trap of thinking that anything less than the faerie tale just isn't good enough or is doomed to failure.   Because - you know - we do live in the land of once upon a time and far, far away. 

Focusing on not having the faerie tale keeps me from experiencing what I do have, and what I do have is a lot to be thankful for. If I can settle down enough to accept that he may want to give me what I want or need, even if it isn't a perfect fit to his desires, maybe then I will truly be able to give him what he wants. 

It's a sad day when i start pulling my sources of wisdom from the Stones, but it is turning out to be so true - can't always get what you want........... but if you try sometimes you get what you need

Friday, October 1, 2010

beyond nerves

Something about writing my previous post triggered something in me.  It became evident that the things i wrote are not really the truth of how i feel.  They were at the time; they were the things i could identify as bothering me, what i wrote was my understanding of a deep uneasyness i was feeling. 

But almost as soon as i was fnished, i realized that was too simple. If I am really honest with myself, I don't think i am crazy, and, while i do feel i am in withdrawal, i don't really feel this is an unhealthy addiction i should avoid. 

But something is changing in me.  I have never had sexual fantasies, or any type of fantasy really.  Like I've said before, maybe something is broken in my mind.  But now i think maybe i have, and I've hidden them, even from myself.  I'm having flashes of recognition and deja vu: images and imaginings and especially traces of sensations from my skin intrude into my thoughts and seem very familiar and also shockingly new.  There are also ghosts of  feelings and emotions that i understand even less.

The deep uneasyness I had been feeling is becoming fear though.  I am afraid of what these new things mean.  I am afraid because my previous understanding was so far off, and I am afraid to see where this will lead me, lead us. 

For us to know each other and be honest with each other requires us to be honest with ourselves, for me to stop hiding.  This thing is clearly a deep part of me, and to share that with him, I need to discover and try to understand it.  I am scared to death though, that in the process, I will offend him, hurt him, resent him, or - the worst - find a place where we are not compatible, where I find a need that he is not able to fill.  I don't want to be faced with that.  Not because i don't want to have to choose between him and the fulfillment of that need.  I don't believe I could choose anything but him.  But I don't want to come face to face with that realization, how horrible for each of us in our own way to live with.