Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Sugar Cookies - Yay Jz!

Look at me being all conformist and following the rules and putting up a recipe of actual cookies....

Life here rolls along - I hope all you you have peace and joy - in whatever form you need that to be.

1/2 lb unsalted butter, room temperature
3/4 cup sugar
1 egg yolk
1.5 cups all purpose flour
1/2 cup cornstarch
1/4 - 1/2 tsp salt

1 - with electric mixer on low speed, combine butter and sugar then add the egg yolk then flour, cornstarch and salt - until the mixture barely holds together.  Don't overbeat!
2 - Form dough into a ball, wrap in plastic and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes, until firm.  Roll out on a lightly floured surface until it's 1/4" thick.  Cut into any shape you like then put cookies on an ungreased cookie sheet.  Chill for at least 1 hour.  [alternatively: shape dough into a log and refrigerate or freeze until firm then slice 1/4" cookies and place on cookie sheet.]
3 - heat oven to 225.  bake cookies until just firm but still tender and not at all brown (~ 30 min).  Cool for a minute on the cookie sheet before using a spatula to transfer the cookies to a cooling rack.

The fun part **** substitutions
1 - melt one ounce bittersweet chocolate in a double boiler and let cool a bit.  Beat into butter and sugar before adding the egg.  Add 1 tbsp instant expresso powder with the dry ingredients.  To dip: melt 1 cup semisweet chocolate in a double boiler.  Stir until smooth.  Dip the cooled, baked cookies into the chocolate and put on waxed paper to harden.
2 - reduce butter to 14 tablespoons, add 2 tablespoons lemon juice and 1 tbsp lemon zest with the egg yolk.  Add 1 tbsp poppy seeds with the dry ingredients.
3 - Reduce sugar to 1/2 cup and add 1/2 cup crystallized ginger finely chopped.
4 - reduce the sugar to 1/2 cup and add 1/4 cup brown sugar then 1 tsp cinnamon or 1 tsp vanilla and/or 1/2 cup chopped nuts.

And the other cookie/not-cookie recipe posters........

Thursday, June 2, 2016

not goodbye

But i hate discovering blogs and the last entry just leaves you wondering what happened, how things turned out, where it went from there...  Or blogs you follow to some extent and they seem to be going along and then just stop.  I always wonder about that.

So - I don't know that this is goodbye.  I hate clicking links and finding that the name of a blog i used to like now sells pantyhose or used cars or some such crap.  So i think i will stay as long as it stays safe.  But i really don't feel the call to write here anymore.  Given that i felt most compelled when i was most angsty - this is a good thing.  I love the interactions - and people - this has brought into my life.  I have felt odd about commenting on other blogs lately because i don't write - have essentially disappeared.  Maybe this will make me more comfortable that way.

I feel like things are both very stable and on the cusp of big changes - and oddly, i feel very good about both.  I feel like power exchange and kink are both part of us and not going away.  I worried about that for a very long time - i love this way of being - and i would miss it if whatever circumstances meant it would go away. I worried that it would be replaced by resentment - that its loss would have meant a failure somewhere and then regret and resentment.  But we've changed and evolved and grown and backtracked and imploded and leapt ahead, and have come out stronger on the other side each time.  So i have faith that it will certainly change and evolve, but that we have the power to decide what we do and how we grow, we have the power to decide how to respond to the inevitable changes life brings.

I have faith in him.  That's different than trust.  I have always trusted him, our whole lives together - I've never mis-trusted him.  That extended to power exchange and to physical submission without missing a beat.  I haven't always had faith - I've worried and fretted that he was doing this in a bid to keep me, because he thought he had to, to please me, to take care of me (because that's what he does, has always done), to humor me, etc, etc...  I've fretted that i come up with the ideas and he may choose to do something or not - but that it is always my idea.  I've worried that i'm too much for him, a bother, a pain in the ass (that one he will say is true).  But I have come to have faith in him - that he truly is leading this in exactly the way he wants it to go - when that happens to overlap with what i want, and when it doesn't.  I have faith that this is good and right for him, and for us.

So we are stable - more so than ever - but we are on the cusp of life changes - becoming empty nesters, new phases in our careers, different routines, different obligations, different focus...  And i am excited (and more than a bit nervous) to see where things go, what new forms power exchange takes, what diabolical ideas he has, what plain old life looks like through this lens.

Maybe i'll be back, maybe not - but this is where we are now.  And it is good.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

To the rage...

There are things he likes and things he chooses less often.  He loves, loves his canes, and also the crop, and other implements; he chooses hand spanking less often.  He uses spanking to communicate and to accomplish an awful lot of different things as well: never punishment, but definitely discipline; attitude adjustments, mental health maintenance (his, but mostly mine); fun; foreplay; stress relief (his i think,  and mine); re-connection and reminders of our places; and often just because he loves my ass to be hot and red - i think he surprised himself with how much he loves that.  For me, it’s all good - he knows by now very well what i need, how to give me what i need, what he needs, what he can take.  The thing that stands in the way is time, time together just the two of us, time to give it the time it needs, time to explore it more, time/freedom to make the noise.  
It has been a long time since we’ve had that kind of time.  And it has been a time of change and transition and also really, really hard work in both of our lives, professionally and personally.  We have been able to connect maybe the bare minimum necessary to keep us and our dynamic above water, but barely. Last night we had time and he took it. He pushed me harder than he has in a long time.  He pushed beyond pain, and beyond anger and resistance.  
He started with his hand, which should have told me something.  Then he bound my limbs, which also should have told me something.  He moved onto the most wicked of his canes.  He made everything hurt, then he want back to the most painful places and doubled down. He pushed me straight into rage, blind, furious rage.  I know he stopped a few times to whisper good girls into my ear, to tell me this was indeed what he intended and what he knew i needed and what he needed.  That last part - that is the part that let me go on.  Funny how in the midst of irrational fury i could still process that piece. 
He brought me into the rage, kept me there just a bit, then brought me slowly back.  And he was dead right.  I did need it.  It is one part of us and part of what we need.  It’s part of the vocabulary of spanking for us.  

Friday, May 6, 2016

good intentions

So - he’s had an absolute shit week - was supposed to get home days ago and his trip keeps getting extended - and not for fun or nice reasons.  Hence the excerpts …….
Me: Does it help or make it worse for you to know that i am horny as hell and been having thoughts of the other night - or maybe tonight - worshiping you until you release, relax, breathe and fall into a deep sleep
Him: i think i probably will take some of my frustrations out on you this weekend … i need to control something … and i’m not able to control work right now
i love you .. 
I’ve been - well - besides horny beyond the point of distraction - i cannot concentrate at all, my pussy keeps twitching involuntarily - what was i saying —oh yea, i’ve also been feeling very submissive (any chance that’s related to the horniness?), very desirous of being in that space deeply, and very much wanting to be able to turn myself over to making his life easier - 
So the trick will be to keep that mindset through him actually being here in person.  Sometimes - sometimes that gets lost in translation; from what i want in my heart to what happens in the unpredictable, share him with the kids and work and fatigue, messiness of reality.  I have beautiful intentions - but there’s that whole road to hell thing.  So when he sends this  - from the actual airport - meaning he is actually on his way home, and if the stars align we might have 24 hours to ourselves - how is it that my overwhelming urge is to be a total smartass?   

I want you to pack bag of toys for us. 
Only request are the candles 

Otherwise I look forward to being creative with what I find

Good thing it's text and i have a filter between my brain and his ears.

yes sir

Saturday, April 30, 2016

things i should already know

I put things on tumblr for him - things i want to communicate, to show him, things i find intriguing or things i might like or he might like.  Turns out tho that he doesn’t love dick pics the same way i do.
When he grabs me painfully out of the blue, while he is still twisting my nipple is not the right time to say, “I thought you weren’t touching me these days.”  In fact the right answers  in any case are more along the lines of, “Thank you Sir.” or “What else can I do for you Sir?” or apparently  “Ooh la la.”
It’s still better to ask for what i think i need or tell him what i’m struggling with than to keep slogging through because i hate not being able to give him what he wants - still sucks to feel like I’ve failed - but still better than not communicating.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Staying Connected

He’s my husband - but even so, he’s gone some part of most weeks.  And frankly, I suck at staying connected.  I seem to be unable to shift to him when he calls - unable to step out of the reality i’m standing in and focus on being his.  It’s a little better with chat/IM, but he doesn’t always have the ability to do that.  He leaves tasks, and rules, and even a well worn t-shirt for me to wear to bed.  I wear his collar always.  That helps.  
I’m never not his - but i do let my focus shift to so many other things.  He doesn’t want me to be thinking all about him 24/7/365 - He likes that i love my job, he wants me to accept and work towards challenges, he wants me to focus on my children and family and friends and the whole great big world just like anyone.  But he wants me to be able to come to him when he wants me.  
This trip is 10 days and 6 time zones, and no chat.  He left me the tasks of two pictures a day - one of me that i think he will like, and one from the internet that i want him to see.  I’ve been sending them at night and he gets them when he wakes up in the morning.  It’s actually been working pretty well.  I’m thinking about what pictures to take, which ones to choose, what i want to think about and what i want to communicate to him with them - mostly that i’m fine (he wants me to be fine) and that i’m thinking about him and missing him - in general and in specific ways.  
Over the years, I’ve gotten better at shifting between ‘him home’ and ‘him gone’ mode - and he’s gotten better at recognizing when i can’t and helping me get there.  He’s also gotten better at shifting.  He compartmentalizes soooooo much better than i do, but he has to work at it sometimes also.  On the whole, this is just how we have always been - through more than 20 years together and more than 7 years M/s - so i don’t know how it will look or feel or work any other way.  In theory i would love to have him around all the time - but i would still need to divide me among all the parts of my world.  Maybe that is actually easier with him gone sometimes.  Maybe that part is easier for him too.  

Saturday, March 12, 2016


I took off my collar and handed it to you - not as a test or a temper tantrum or to manipulate you - not in that kind of calculated way.  Neither of us plays games like that.  It was pure desperation.  
In order to submit to you the way you want, i have to let myself be vulnerable.  I can  do strong and invulnerable - i did for most of my life.  And in most of my day-to-day i can keep that. But i can’t with you and also be open and listening and following and submitting.  I could in actions - mostly - but you want all of me, not just my actions.  So, with you, I have to stop protecting myself and trust you to do that.  
And - like everyone - sometimes we miss - sometimes spectacularly.  This time, the things that are hardest for me lined up with the things that are hardest for you, and we each mis-understood and guessed wrong and, and, and…  And I felt for all the world like you had walked away and turned your back on me.  I felt un-protected and un-wanted.  
And desperate.  
I’m so glad, was so relieved that you didn’t walk away.  I need you.  And i want to need you.  I will keep working to be what you want and how you want - but this piece i don’t think i can do differently.  Trust must manifest itself in different ways for different people - for me, the hardest and most important trust is that you want me and that you will stay.  

Saturday, February 27, 2016


Elsewhere that i may be because life rolls on and things change


Friday, February 26, 2016

What does that make me?

Sex that always involves some level of power exchange and pain, most often some sort of restraint, and often wicked toys makes me (makes us) kinky.

Routine beatings with canes and crops and hands and other hitty, hurty things makes us what - fetishists?  Sadist and masochist?   People with mutually satisfying paraphilias?

That he stops me mid-morning routine on a busy work day, when my mind is already out the door and at work, and he tells me he wants 30 minutes and I need to alter my plan and get my head in a different space; and i do, like it or not, with some effort but no argument; that makes me submissive? slave?

That he knows exactly when i need this, that he recognizes how hard it is to give my full effort on so many different fronts and to switch gears like that, and that he knows exactly how much i can really give where - even when i don't.... that makes me His.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

well trained

Or at least sorta, kind of, getting there....

He doesn't require that i respond some particular way to his torture.  He doesn't expect me to be perfectly quiet or still and I don't have to thank him or repeat a particular mantra when he's tormenting me or demanding i do things i don't especially want to do.  He expects me to respond appropriately to whatever he does, whenever he does it.

Sounds simple, right?

Guess who gets to decide what 'appropriately' is?

So, for instance, when he grabs me out of the blue and bites my neck, slaps my ass, or especially pinches and twists my nipple, he expects a measured response that matches what he thinks the pain level was.  If i miss?  He tries again and again and again until i get it right, every time....."Let's try this again.  Does this hurt? What about this?  I can make it really hurt you know?"

Sometimes the element of surprise makes me a little jumpy - that doesn't factor into his weighting system though.  The humiliation of being chastised, the waiting and holding still, not knowing if the next twist and pull is going to be gentle or fucking hurt....  He enjoys this game.  I work really hard to hit his mark and have it be over with as quickly as possible.

When he's hitting me with whatever he's hitting me with, he still expects a measured response - his measure, not mine.  It's harder than it sounds.  My tolerance can be all over the place - but i think he accounts for that.  And I'm getting better at letting go of the fear and focusing on just the actual sensations - the experience, not my expectations.

But i still sometimes find myself, in the moment, wondering if i should be responding a certain way or another.  I'm not tempted to play it up in order to get him to ease off (I'm not sure how he gauges my tolerance on any given day - but i imagine it has something to do with my responses).  Most often I really want to be right where i am, even with the evil new cane - i need it, he needs it, i'm not going to be trying to get out of it.  Even if i am genuinely anxious about how difficult it is going to be - i don't fake anything.  If i beg for it to stop, I mean it sincerely - funny how that works, i know it won't stop him - so why beg?  Question for another day.....

But when he has more time and is looking for more intensity, there comes a point that i find myself being able to wrap my head around things, i can breathe into it and manage it.  He orchestrates this of course - if he doesn't want me to manage, he changes the tempo and the intensity and i can't keep up.

But when he lets me, and i start to reach the breathing/floating point - i always wonder - does he want me to relax?  Does he want me to be able to float?  Wouldn't he rather i be squirming and struggling?  Isn't that what gets him off?  What is it about hitting me that he really likes?  If i'm all quiet and floaty and blissed out, what's in it for him?  He can keep hitting me, but where's the excitement for him?  He still has to remind me to let go, to breathe, to float off.

Friday, February 5, 2016

authentic self

Since my husband is far, far away and has been and will be mostly for some time to come, and i'm not really writing about sexy fun, even if there were some, and even control and that wonderful power flow aren't really in abundance - things are mostly on me and mostly about me at the moment.  He will read - and that is the point in the end.

So many pieces pushed to the front of my brain recently and demanded to be considered all together.  Oh well....

I worked through an activity with my students on the tension between the importance of the image they project/how they are perceived, and being true to their athentic selves.

That tension slays me.

But mostly i was thinking about my authentic self.

We went to a music competition thing at my kids' school.  A lot of really bright, really talented kids.  What i noticed - when the judges questioned the boys - the boys stammered a bit and were certainly not over confident, but they looked at the judges and answered.  The girls looked at the floor, giggled, looked away, and never really did answer, never engaged in the conversation the judge was trying to have with them.

In class i notice, the women (who are by no means less bright or capable than the men) step back and look away when faced with opportunities to stand out, try something new, challenge themselves.  The men not so much.  They often stumble or have to try  few times, but they step up and accept the challenge.

That got me thinking about educating girls vs. boys (I know - I'm hardly the only one - and yes - i have two boys - and even if i didn't -  i'm not interested at all in limiting their opportunities, I don't want to level the field by lowering it, but by raising the girl side of things).

It made me think about my education - in a very small, rural, and very backwards area - a long, long time ago.  I was insanely curious and a tomboy and i loved science.  And by 3rd grade my teachers were  taking me aside to ask me to not ask questions any more, to not "do so well at things so the other kids have a chance,"  to sit more quietly and to focus on more girl subjects.  They also stopped allowing me (and a few other girls) to play sports at recess - girls had to sit and talk or play jumprope or jacks (yes - i'm old).  This got repeated over and over for the next few years - by about 7th grade i was completely compliant - i didn't ask questions, i didn't answer questions in class, i withdrew completely, i intentionally dumbed down.

I'm sure i had been an obnoxious child to be around - always asking questions, wanting to challenge ideas, pushing.... I know - because i have one of those children - it's exhausting and he has had to learn to manage himself somewhat so as not to drive people away with his intensity.  Peoples' perceptions do matter if you want to continue to be around them - even more so if you want to be friends, work with them, etc.  There's a balance point in there.  I didn't have a chance to figure that out, i just shut down.

Even now, still, i am learning to find and be my authentic self - curious, geeky, a little too intense sometimes, different in a lot of ways... and to modulate that appropriately for the context.

This includes D/s too - the tension: the being submissive but also intense and challenging, modulating without withdrawing and shutting down, being vulnerable without going back to my 7th grade self.

 What's brilliant though - what's brilliant about my husband - is that he knows all of me.  He knows the real me.  The geeky, the weird, the intense, the insecure and the still learning...  And somehow he embraces all of it and manages to let me keep all of it while still being his, still submitting all those contrary parts to him.

Saturday, January 30, 2016

7 year itch

I was chatting with a friend recently.  He is about to move, change jobs, his wife is changing jobs, his oldest is going off to college, and his youngest is decamping with the family to a whole different part of the country.   I commented that I've been at the same thing for almost 7 years now, and that is the longest I've ever really stayed moving one direction; that it feels like time to shake things up, or learn to move forward in the same direction, something, it occurred to me, i've never done before.  

Six years of college, then move and start a career.  A few years of working, dating, having fun, then get married, then move, new job.   Then move again, have kids, re-create my job to fit.  A few more years, totally switch directions careerwise.  A few more years, we all move, new job for me, new place, new directions for the kids.  Now they are finishing high school and looking at college - big changes for them, and for me and for us.

But I've been at the same job for 6 years now.  I love my job.  I have loved what i do all along - the changes were expansions, leaps forward, adventures with the possibilities, not starting over at something else.  I know work isn't a whole life - but it is a part.  In my case it has many frustrations, and I would love to sleep in many mornings, but it adds value, it challenges me, it stimulates me, it fulfills important parts of me.  I want to keep doing this job, but i'm not really experienced at moving forward so long at something without changing directions.  I'm not sure how to keep myself dedicated to this, re-committed and engaged.  I'm worried I will coast and get stale.

Our marriage - it didn't follow a good pattern.  For a long time it didn't expand, leap forward, or hold adventures. It got weary and tired and tangled.  The changes we made were a huge adventure, a giant leap, and an enormous expansion.  But it's been almost 7 years now.  It's stable, and it's good. I like, no - i am so grateful - that i am much less mired in angst and doubt.   But I wonder if I will coast, not be fully engaged without new challenges and directions.  I absolutely don't want to go back to weary and tired and dull.  I do really need to figure out how to move forward without changing directions, to remain committed and engaged and in wonder of it all.

My husband has supported every step i've taken. He has moved along with me, along with us. Some of the moves have been on his behalf, but not all.  He has remained at the same job the entire time. He is absolutely excellent at remaining engaged and challenged.  He sets goals and moves forward constantly and consistently. Shaking up our relationship when we did was a big change. The fact that he was on board was partly a testament to how desperately bad things were.  He has moved forward with this with his characteristic focus and constancy.

Rather than think about my needs and my patterns, and how i have always operated, what I probably should say - what i probably should think - is that I will follow his lead and trust him to have the right answers, that i will learn to do things his way.  What will happen though will be a nod to both our personalities.  He will pay attention to us and keep us moving safely forward.  I will find adventures for us.  I don't plan out or go looking for all the changes, i stumble over them and decide to pick them up and see where they lead.  And he will fold it all into our lives and make it work for both of us.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

why i like being spanked: an assigned topic

He rarely asks me to write about anything specific - this he told me to do....

So many people have written their answers to this.  And thank goodness too - I was not one of those people for whom being spanked played a center-stage if somewhat personally confliciting role in their imaginations for as long as they can remember.  I never imagined being spanked; as a child, when the reality was looming, it was nothing at all to be wanting.  But, as an adult, much later, reading what other people do write struck my imagination.

What others write so eloquently does answer a lot of why I like being spanked.  Maybe that's power of suggestion, maybe operant conditioning, maybe just a common human wiring configuration. But yes - to a lot of the common themes: it makes me wet and turns me on, it focuses my attention, it can clear my mind, it makes me submissive, it reminds me who's in control, it puts me in my place, it centers me and calms me, it debases me, on some incomprehensible level i like the pain and on a completely transparent level i like the attention.  All of these are true, some to different degrees in different contexts and with different types of spanking.  He knows all of these and uses them all to his advantage, which is to my advantage, which is to our advantage.

Most of those are effects though - not why's.  Why do I like being wet and aroused?  Why do i like my attention focused on him and my mind cleared?  Why do I want to be made submissive, or to be debased, or to be calmed and centered.  Why do I like pain or for that matter, his attention?

Well - some seem self evident - wet and aroused are good - especially if he's going to take advantage of them/me.  And if not - well - he likes me that way and i like being able to be that for him and i like that he likes it and anticipation is fun too - for me and also to see him in anticipation of what he wants - it's all good.

Being spanked does focus my attention - but not always completely, and it can sometimes really clear my mind - but also not always.  Some spankings are just not intense enough for these and, unfortunately, the intensity necesssary does seem to be increasing as we go through time.  That worries me because i think he finds that tool and that purpose useful.  I like when my mind can clear because it is a relief, even if a temporary one.  And it allows me to focus on him and to be what he wants without my own voices and self consciousness interfering.

This comes close to why/how it makes me submissive.  Sometimes consciously and sometimes very unintentionally and unconsciously, i fight him.  Spanking me to the point that my mind clears leads to me surrendering and opening to him - physically, metaphorically, metaphysically - take your pick. The debasement and humiliation are part of this.   And that he causes me pain - real pain.  It all puts me in my place and him in his.   Ultimately I want him - I want  his control, i want to be in that place of surrender to him.  [Why i want that and why i want him that way - I really don't understand, nor the thing with the pain...]

All of this though focuses our interactions and brings us together - too much in life distracts and pulls us apart and has us off in our own heads and our own worlds.  This focuses us on each other - in a way that for god only knows what reason - agrees with both of us.  There are millions of ways people interact and come together.  Him spanking me - in all its contexts and flavors, brings me so much closer to him - which is what he wants - which is what i want too.

Monday, January 4, 2016

evil presents, subdrop, evolution, and growing up

His rattan canes are fairly thin and very stingy - all well and good - he really likes them. He likes the lines and welts and hot, red patches.   I tend to like thuddy (i thought) - so i figured that some heavier canes would be a mututally enjoyable christmas present from me to him.  I was so wrong!  I got him two thicker delrin canes. He has only tried the one so far - it takes the caning thing straight to 'i really, really, sincerely don't think i can do this'/panic even when he's going easy.  I don't bruise easily - except now i do.

I've had subdrop before - never extreme and never particularly longlasting.  The other day - kids gone overnight -  we went out after some intense time with a long rope, the aforementioned evil cane, a huge plug, and I'm sure other things i'm forgetting.  I should have thought to eat a little something.  I just couldn't focus, i couldn't follow his conversation, and at dinner i broke down cryng out of the blue. I was mostly non-functional for 24 hours and i just couldn't snap out of it.  If i were him, this might make me think twice about playing again. I hope it doesn't deter him and i hope it's a very rare occurence.

I commented to an online friend the other day that i just wasn't around so much anymore.  He agreed and said he thought it seemed like an evolution of sorts.  He's probably right.  I'm just not sure if it's a good evolution or not so much so.  I (clearly) overthink everything, but more and more I find myself not really able to think about this aspect of me and of our life very deeply.  When i try, my brain just shys away or shuts down.  I've been through all the cycles: angst, fear, contentment, joy....  This one is new.  Maybe it's time to move on to just doing, less thinking.  Maybe it's a holding pattern.  Maybe it's a surrender.  Maybe not.  If I could just focus on it long enough maybe i could figure it out....

What i feel like is that we have grown up: like we've outgrown the wonder and the joy and the carefree and are left with the responsibility and the dull and the day-to-day.  It's an impression.  We were of course responsible all along.  We didn't abandon our family, our jobs, our outside lives.  We added this new, colorful, joyful thing and it added to the joyful, colorful side of real life.  It's been over seven years, seven year itch maybe - or just maturing and transitioning?  Maybe, truly, thinking about it isn't the best course for me.