Monday, April 28, 2014

the impact of impact

The thought occurred to me as i was drifting very quickly into la la land - does he really want me to fall into subspace?  He's pretty good at knowing how to make it happen, and how not to.  He can keep me there a long time, ramping up what he does but making sure i stay where i relax into it and fly.  He can also pull me out of it and have me struggling and fighting for control, experiencing the pain rather than absorbing it.

Would he rather i not be enjoying it?  Wouldn't that be really submitting?  Wouldn't it be more exciting, appropriate, do more for him, if i were struggling and he could see and feel the extent of the control he has over me?  What appeal is there to a person's sadistic streak if what he's doing is no longer actually being perceived as pain?

What's in it for him this way, if i'm the one having all the pleasure?

Of course those and all other thought quickly faded away and the rest of what i remember was a whole lot of impact, falling deeper as the intensity rose with each implement, then waking up a bit when he changed implements, falling all over again, at some point a large plug that overwhelmed me with very different feelings, clamps on my nipples and being moved around, pushed into this position and that, being fucked this way and that......

All these sensations, all this bliss - why would anyone want to be the top?

Monday, April 21, 2014

no joy

Close friends of ours are struggling - it became pretty clear recently that their marriage probably won't survive.  My mind has been reeling with the meaning of that for them - the hurt, all the other feelings that must (or would for me) come with that, the logistical nightmares, the battles that lie ahead for them, no matter what good intentions they may have to be non-adversarial......

But a marriage is an abstract thing, if it dissolves, that's an abstraction also.  The people involved are very real.  As close as my husband and I are with these two individual people, we don't know what is behind their struggles.  They are both very private people and our impulse is not to speculate.

What we did both note though is that neither one of them has seemed happy in a very long time.  Happy maybe is the wrong word - there doesn't seem to have been any joy in either of them in a long time.  I tried to think back, to remember when either of them had been joyful, it has been a very long time.

Joy is a very big thing for me.  If you met me - you would see - i'm not silly, giddy, pollyanna, not even happy-go-lucky.  I'm not the clown in the crowd, nor the one who quietly lights up a room.  Neither is my husband. We are serious, hard-working, down-to-earth people.  Really, awfully mundane, frankly.

But we both have joy.  We see joy, we feel it, we are open to it, and we value it.  It is a very big aspect of what we have between us.  For that, i am most grateful.

I'm not joyful because he makes me that way.  He has a lot of control of me, but he can't make me happy (or sad, or in love, or angry, or any other feeling) unless i am open to him having that impact on me.  Likewise, i can't make him joyful, but i hope that i do bring him joy, that he is open to me that way and that i fulfill that for him.

People talk about the flow of power in a power exchange dynamic.  There are wonderful images of rivers and yin and yang and circuits and such.  And of course, there is give and a take of power, of control; there's the mundane, the service, the overseeing, the concrete that needs doing and taking care of.... That's the real brass-tacks of day to day life.

But there's also -- I find joy in him, in being with him, in being His.  I believe he does in me as well.  It is, i believe, an essential part of the power that flows between us.

 [You should read Jz's writing about what joy is here - she does it more justice than i can.]

Friday, April 18, 2014

team and other probably wrong words

Things (by which i mean work and regular life stuff and especially kids) have been challenging of late, some in a deeply concerning, break your heart kind of way.  Somehow though we've managed to be both more solid in our dynamic and working more as a team to face things.

I'm guessing that 'team' is a construct that doesn't necessarily seem a big part of M/s for some people.  Notice all the qualifiers - i really don't know what other people think - but certainly team and teamwork aren't discussed a great deal that i've seen.  There also isn't a great deal of discussion of how other couples manage the child rearing aspects of life - not the really tough stuff, the things that need the tough decisions and united front.  Neither of us believes we have the right answers at our fingertips all the time, both of us believe that our children warrant careful consideration, and our combined effort, the utmost that each of us can do.

It creates an area where we aren't M and s in the same way as elsewhere.  For some time it was an area of transition, a place of disconnect from the flow of the dynamic.  Tough times with kids are tough all on their own, navigating the shifting dynamic of our relationship at the same time, withdrawing out of the concern for the child, both of us being unsure of the best course -  make it all so much tougher.  

I can't explain how, but it's getting better.  Things flow more easily.  He is making me feel more secure in who we are - who we always are - and that is letting me feel more able to shift around in the me i need to be at a given moment.  To write it out, it sounds like role playing - changing character as the scenes change....It's quite the opposite.  Maybe that's the point - I had been trying to change characters to fit the situation, which sometimes felt like us taking on roles, it felt disingenuous.  I'm feeling more whole, and more wholly His.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

"O" marks the spot?

At some point last week we had an hour alone together.

He was all about impact.

It was so good, as they say.

The welts, deep bruises and tenderness were more and lasted much longer than usual.

A fact which i made sure to bring to his attention frequently - partly because i believe he likes to know (he does like bruises and markings that last) and partly as sass

I made especially sure to mention it just before each subsequent day's caning

Which, apparently, he didn't appreciate so much

So, there i was, in position, waiting, it's early in the month so i can be a little cavalier about it, and i sassed yet again about not hitting the spots that are already/still bruised

"Wait here!" he says and walks off - and comes back with a permanent marker - i'm suddenly not so sassy

He marks the dead center of the most tender spot on each side -

I can attest to the fact that a visual target can improve one's aim....

He did mention later that he'll use  "X's" next time - apparently the circles around the target areas were a little too much like eyes staring up at him as he fucked me from behind afterwards

Friday, April 4, 2014

not very slavey

You know how there are those things that you plan and need or want to do that depend in some part on other people and other pieces being taken care of before you can proceed?   Every single one of those in my life fell into place - this past week.  At work, projects that have been waiting for other people to act all got the go ahead at the same time.  At home, invitations and undertakings - all suddenly bore fruit - this week.

Which is great - except - if i could juggle it would be like someone tossing about 50 more balls at me while i'm working to manage my few.  Dropping these balls isn't an option really.  And handing off only works for a few of them.

Moving away from metaphors - I lost it.  The sudden overwhelming of to do's, should's, need to's, and must's, on every front, drove me into a state of anxiety that i've never really felt before.

I've been emotional and fragile and withdrawn.  [btw - i have always been thankful that the Universe saw fit to send me only boys - i don't think i would raise girls well - but the males in my house have had very little really close experience with girls other than me, so any time i'm emotional - it sends them into a panic and they are sure i'm broken]  Of course fixing myself and not being emotional and fragile and withdrawn and anxious are now on my 'must do' list.

I have no idea if other people ever wonder if they are good enough, or fit for their role or are living up to what they have agreed to be.  But i sometimes do.  And this week - any obligations,  requests, or impositions on me, no matter how small or routine, have felt awful and impossible, and frankly, my response has been awful. There has been no cheerful, slavey, "All i really desire is to please my Master."  I have obeyed, although i recognize too that he modulated his demands to my needs.  I have obeyed, but not without struggle.

I haven't even managed a wife/mom level of joyful service.  I write that pointedly:  I believe that there are many wives and mothers who give of themselves, joyfully, and wholly, with no concept of consensual slavery.  I am both, and both involve more than just joyful service, but this ideal they have, for me, in common.  Which ever construct - this was a week i didn't manage that aspect of either.

He doesn't use the term 'slave.'   He says i'm 'His'.  Maybe that's a very wise distinction on his part. 'Slave' pulls in, besides many loaded historical and present day connotations, an enormous number of notions from out there as to what a 'slave' ought or ought not to be.  I use the term because I have given and he has asked for all of me, all the time, unconditionally and to the best of my ability.  Sometimes i just wish my ability were more than it is.  'His' for him, thus for me, means i am to be what he wants me to be, no more, no less, and not otherwise.

I suppose the best way to get the 'joyfully' part back is to go now and work on my juggling......