Sunday, February 27, 2011


Humiliation hasn't been a part of what we do - or what he does to me.  Maybe it is just deeply ingrained that a man doesn't treat a woman that way; it took him some time to become comfortable with hitting me, maybe causing emotional distress feels even more wrong.  Maybe he has a sense that it would have the potential to really damage me.  Maybe it would.  Maybe it is hard for him to reconcile wanting to be with me if he views me as something i should be ashamed of.  Maybe it's just simply not in his wiring; if it doesn't do anything for him, there are plenty of other means at his disposal to get what he wants out of me.....

He does however tease me.  I have no idea how he manages it, but his teasing sometimes walks a very thin line between hurtful and absolutely effective.  I think he can do it because he knows exactly where my insecurities lie, and which ones are flexible and which ones are rock solid.  He can tease me no end about being short, I am, and i'm not at all insecure about it.  Even a hint of a jab at my figure however would be devastating.  Those are the easy ones.  There are insecurities i have that are harder to predict though.  Even i can't tell you why i sometimes am quite at ease with certain things and other times filled with self doubt.

For example, he does tease me about my neediness, about the fact that i am nearly constantly wanting or even aroused, that i hint around, that i come to him using whatever tricks i think i can get away with to let him know what i want.   He makes a big show of turning me down and rolling his eyes and acting put upon. It does make me pause and wonder about myself.  Maybe teasing me about being needy is really the same as calling me a slut or a whore. The implication is certainly the same.  I know that he loves me needy though.  He may get genuinely frustrated when my efforts to sway him are poorly timed, but he is thrilled to have me ready when he wants and to be able to play with me and manipulate me by my libido.

If he called me dirty names, or made me refer to myself that way - i don't know if it would feel humiliating or just artifical and contrived, like he was doing something he had read somewhere, not what he really wanted.  Of course, maybe the fact of seeming so out of character and artificial would be the source of the humiliation.  Being made to do something i didn't believe he would ever ask of me, and not being allowed to question him about it, has had very interesting effects on me in other situations. 

He also teases me about being kinky and about my kinks specifically - that i want to be hurt til i cry, that i need him to overpower me and subdue me, that restraining my body unleashes it.  This is right there at the edge of my insecurities.  I do still wonder why i'm wired this way.  And i still really wonder why he isn't put off or even disgusted by me being this way.  It isn't normal, why should he have to put up with it, what must he really think of me?  It's a really fine line: too far and it would push me into a tailspin of self doubt.  As backwards as it seems, i think the balance he strikes helps strengthen my trust that it's ok, that he really likes all this too, that it's like being short, it's just who i am.

So is it (the right kind of) humiliation if it picks at an insecurity?  If not, if it only picks at an area that a person "should" feel shame about, but knows the other person actually revels in - why is that still effective?  I know this ignores a huge chunk of the spectrum of humiliting possibilites, like being made to do or endure things that are shaming.  Maybe those aren't a consideration for us because it is of no interest to him, maybe i couldn't handle it anyhow, if simply being teased is challenging enough. 

Friday, February 25, 2011

no pouting

We have 36 hours home, together, in the middle of over a week being in different parts of the country - with the time before and after that spent in very close quarters with lots of other people.  So - it's been like - forever - since i've had my ass properly beaten - and will be another forever til we can again.

Today - the daytime portion of that 36 hours - we had actually finagled to both be working at home - with the KIDS AT SCHOOL.  Damn snow day!!! 

Apparently i have a slight tendancy to make my disappontment evident.  I've been told that I may not pout or mope.  And maybe - if i am good - and there is no hint of petulance, he will do his thing tonight, late, and quietly. 

So - here's hoping - and btw - this is not to be construed as moping - at all!!  No Sir - this is all smiles :)

Thursday, February 24, 2011

What's left?

There is no high drama, not really even any major angst.  I no longer feel that obsessive, all-consuming drive for more, for going further, for pushing harder.  I'm definitely beyond that sub-frenzy or whatever it was that made me feel like I absolutely had to have more control, more pain, more sex.  The highs aren't as high, but the lows aren't as low.

I'm certainly not the same.  I'm riding along in a very different gear than ever before, but i feel like i've found the right gear and the right cadence.  When things are good, I revel in it, thrive on it, am thankful for it.  When real life keeps us physically apart and mentally overwhelmed with so many other things, I miss it, and crave it, and i try, not very successfully, to be patient until the pendulum reverses course.

A friend has assured me that this is when the good part starts, when it really gets interesting.  Selfishly, I hope so.  I miss the highs, I miss the intensity of all the new feelings and experiences.  I conveniently forget the lows and the angst and the drama.  And a little bit of me wonders and worries that without that intensity it will fade away.  Will it be self sustaining?  Does it have enough momentum? 

Monday, February 21, 2011

controlling other people

Of course you can't - people can't really control other people - can't make them do things.  You can manipulate the heck out of the situation and the environment - but you can't control other people. 

I seek my husband's control of me - that's pretty well established at this point.  But that isn't total control.  All people retain their free will at some most basic level, this is as it should be.  And it's a discussion for another time.  Right now I'm running into the downside of this whole idea. 

Right now i'm concerned about family members who i love very much, not my husband and children, but family i love and can't influence (or control) enough to really help.   In movies or TV dramas, all imaginable circumstances are set up to work against the protagonists, their own personal flaws or tragic decisions have fed into the crisis, and the drama plays out like an inevitable train wreck.  Except that in movies or on TV some small twist of plot or sudden enlightenment and change of course, or unrealistic last second reprieve gets worked in and all is saved in the end; the protagonists only shaken and slightly scarred. 

In real life, real life happens.  The circumstances of life move on, oblivious to the people being impacted.  The people involved continue to live and make decisions the way they always have.  Health deteriorates with age.  And there is no deus ex machina. 

There are answers that would help, there are many many people trying to help, there are many people expecting me to be able to get them to accept this help.  I know it is an arrogance to think i (or we) know better than they how to run their lives - that doesn't make it less true here, just less comfortable. 

In the end, we can't control other people.  We also can't stand by and watch those we love sink into the quicksand of their lives. 

Thursday, February 17, 2011

the surreal to the sublime

We are approaching two years that we have been doing this thing.  I should probably change the wording on my profile; it's hard to argue we are new and "just discovering" these things.  Except that we are still discovering new things about ourselves, things are still growing and changing and deepening - some days.  Other days life just chugs along, busy, challenging, exciting, interesting, mundane, frustrating....

I clearly was not, still am not, one of those people who could see a new way of doing things, judge it to be interesting or useful, and just jump in and go.  For better or for worse, i needed to do almost everything possible to make it difficult.  Looking back, i'm not sure how i could simultaneously push for something new and fight it at every turn.  My husband sits back and watches the show and does his thing, his way, not letting me go too far off the rails; I think he's a wise man. 

It has been all along and still is both surreal and sublime.  I have to remind myself that arranging our relationship this way, and especially most of the activities that now go along with that, aren't considered healthy, normal, or particularly acceptable in the wider world.  It is surreal - it is completely real to us, it is our reality.  But we really can't share that with the people in our everyday life because, from the outside looking in, it isn't a good way to live.  Worse than just a not good way to live - from the outside, it looks very much like domineering, controlling, emotional and physical abuse on one side, and acquiescing to that on the other.   

A friend recently asked me - very earnestly - what we had changed in our marriage to bring the peace and joy she sees in it now.  And she sees well, that is what we feel this change has brought us.  That's the sublime. 

Monday, February 14, 2011

Nope, we didn't play; yup - i'm glad we went.

We did go to the play party.  I did wear a corset, a very short skirt, and thigh highs - not quite business casual, but hardly shocking attire.  I was ok walkign down the street, but I was very glad not to have bumped into anyone i knew on our way out of the conference hotel. 

I was nervous and shy and it took me a bit to warm up and talk to people.  But everyone was really very friendly (moreso than the local PTO in fact) and went out of their way to make us feel welcome.

On the other hand, it was a fairly small space, and very quiet - even the music.  The things other people were doing were very private, intense things and everyone seemed to be keeping it hushed on purpose.  The groups were mostly two's, but there was a group of three (and one person clearly totally immersed in self-suspension exercises).  The intimacy and connections and focus between the people playing were palpable.     

We ended up not playing, sort of because we didn't want to disturb the groups playing so quietly, and because, well - we would have been loud.  We don't know how to do the quiet stuff, and we would have been instantly the center of attention.  

We did talk with a number of people, especially early in the evening.  And we watched, were even able to ask some questions.  And they asked questions of us.   I think we both sort of soaked it all in and talked the next day about the things that had struck us.   

So - no lurid stories, but i promise i didn't just sit analyzing the whole night, i was (more than i had expected)able to relax and just "be there".   So, here are some of the things that struck us, many of which revealed our own biases and misconceptions more than anything else:

There's a lot of diversity in this world.  Duh! But i think it was good for us to see that.  Just the two of us is a pretty small sample.  Even "people who blog" is a pretty self-selecting-therefore-skewed group. 

It doesn't have to be so damn serious.  Some of the people who were there had come just to have fun -imagine ?!?

People's roles don't have to be so defined.  Or some do, some don't.  Many of the women there were switching, and having a good time with that, were excited they had permission or opportunity to do that.  Oddly - none of the men seemed to be switching. 

Take your time.  People took time to prepare, to get ready.  Doms took a nice long time getting their subs to a really good mental place, moving forward, backing off, reassuring, again and again. 

My husband is fascinated by fire.  I have a feeling fireplay is somewhere in our future - hopefully really far in the future, like maybe our next lifetime, although i doubt that. 

Safety is important.  People really did put safety before the unspoken pressure to not butt in.  

I am not really a visual person.  I didn't find watching arousing or erotic.  Although i did smile through and through watching how blissed out and adorably happy and floaty one sub was all through her session, and afterwards. 

Sharp things do stir something in me.  I kindof  knew this -  but - and this sounds odd to me now - but being near the really big guy playing with lots of really big knives  - uh huh - that did something. 

People like sex.  This group of people was very open and free about their bodies, and about sex - theirs, other peoples', didn't matter.  No surprise with this, just different  from our everyday  life.

It isn't necessarily about sex.  The club had a "no real sex" rule - but even so - the play seemed very much to be the means and the end in itself.  For us - being just us - the sensations, the pain, the control, the impact, the emotions and feelings  - everything about us playing is about us connecting with each other, and sex is a huge part of it.  It was clear that people there were in it for something else instead?  in addition to? 

There was a clear tradition and expectation of "playing with others." They were respectful of "no", but the default assumption seemed to be non-exclusion.  Maybe this group was small enough and knew each other well enough to allow that ease.  Maybe knowing someone isn't the point.  Maybe it's tied to the fact that it was about the play - not necessarily the people involved.   In any case, this probably contributed to the fact that we didn't play.  It wasn't a peer pressure or unpleasant thing, just something we hadn't considered and isn't quite the way it works for us. 

Other people do stuff.  Yup - again - duh!  But i am shy enough talking about specifics with my husband.  There is no one i speak to face to face that i would ever discuss this kind of thing.  People asked us specifics, what do we do, how long, when did we get involved, what do we like, do you think you would like this, or that?  Like it was just normal everyday conversation.  Which - it was.  It was good to have the artificial veil of secrecy and mystique pushed aside.  A reality check.

I have no idea if we would do this again.  I'm really glad we went.  We did learn a lot - and not in a boring, academic way.   I was admittedly disappointed at the end of the evening that we didn't play - having a place, and privacy (from our kids or potential interruptions) and acceptance were very appealing.  

Thursday, February 10, 2011

He said, she said

I told him i felt disconnected, adrift, kinda confused and a bit lost.  Not that i worry about us long term, but just not at all right in the here and now.   I explained sfp's yo yo analogy - that i feel like he winds me closer and tighter, then lets me drift further away, then, sometimes, at the last minute, he reverses and pulls me back up to him.    And that sometimes i feel like he lets me go too far and that it takes a lot of 'stop and rewind the string' to be able to get going again. 

The obvious implication of my using this analogy was that i want him to be responsible for the winding, the up and the down, the working of the whole system.

His response to me, when i told him i felt far away and adrift, was, "so, then- come back to me."

Lots for me to think about in those two simple views of things.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

thoughts on the occasion of......going public

I have so many half started posts - things i've been feverishly thinking about - deep, important, complicated things, like for example - why it would have been great to have had a sorting hat.  But it's all a distraction technique.  To anyone who asks how I'm feeling about the imminent play party excursion, I tell them i'm very busy pretending it isn't going to happen.

That is actually how i deal with big things that make me very nervous - job interviews, major presentations, my wedding, childbirth - I make sure i've prepared as much as possible, learn what i need to, see to the details well ahead of time, then pretend it isn't going to happen right up until the time that it does.  The mental rehearsal thing doesn't make me feel more at ease - it ramps up the nervousness.  And so it is with this. 

But i'm taking a little time now to explain how i feel about this - partly because i'm not sure myself, and I think that making myself write it down will help me figure it out, and partly for my husband, so he will have a clue about my frame of mind then.  So here are the things that swirl around in my mind if I let myself imagine...

I really am not a person who easily meets new groups of people.  It is work for me to overcome my shyness.

We have no protocols, especially not for interacting in public.  Yes, I can be and am respectful, and i know that no particular protocol is expected.  If (when) i am very nervous i am likely to reach out for his hand, to want to be closer.  Also - i have a bad habit of jumping into conversations and interrupting, moreso when i know the people well, but - watching my mouth will be another small thing to occupy some mental energy.  Maybe we won't be doing too much talking...

As much as i really, really love reading about all things erotic- I wonder how i will feel about the visual or the whole reality.  The few times i've watched porn, of any flavor, it left me cold and even a bit icky feeling. I'm not expecting to be aroused or titillated, that's not the point, but i don't want to feel icky about real people, they're people, not a video. 

Mostly i worry about feeling very self conscious.  I don't know what we will end up doing or not doing, but nothing has been taken off the table.  Which leaves - i can't imagine wearing little to no clothing in front of other people, i can't imagine being able to keep my mind on him and what he's doing to me or wants me to do,  i can't imagine being able to maintain focus on him.

I'm not sure how to explain this, but i'm not sure i will be able to be really 'there.'  Sometimes my mind slips away from the present and steps back and just watches what's going on - the external and the internal action.  Instead of being there having the experience, it detaches itself to watch and analyze.  I know from experience that i miss out on a lot when this happens.

I want to do this though.  In spite of all of my misgivings, I will do my best to be there and to be in the best frame of mind i can.  Partly because doing this shifts things or expands the reality of things for us just a little beyond just us and just my computer screen.  This is something he is asking me to do. He rarely asks me to do things that are difficult mentally or emotionally.  So I  want to because he wants me to.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

greedy little bitch

i get this way sometimes - it's not nice, i stuff it down and hide it away
it's more than just always wanting more, it goes beyond just never being satisfied
those are bad enough - i'm profoundly uncomfortable to accept them as mine

but this scares the piss out of me
this is the dark side of me i had never met before
had never imagined i could have
and now she won't stay away, at least not for long

Things are good, very good
easy, flowing, moving, loving
We've come to a place i at first hadn't imagined i wanted, then really did
and now we're here, at that "be careful what you wish for" place
and i really can't pretend i don't love it
because i do

I love being pushed, I love being used, I love being contained and controlled
and challenged and having my place set, and the tables turned
I love serving him
All things that still sound so foreign to my ears,
and it's me saying them?

and that's when i can't keep her down
when things are good, and easy
why can't easy be ok - why can't i be content
sit back, relax, enjoy - that's what people do
and shouldn't i want that for him too?

not me though - she comes out showing me more
leading my mind down dark paths
creating images and fantasies that go too far
things that truly ought to make me careful what i wish for
what kind of peson am i?

apparently i'm a greedy little bitch, and not a very smart one