Friday, September 26, 2014


You're mine, I own you.....

Within societies, throughout history, across cultures -

A construct that causes oppression, destruction, injustice, and abuse on a grand scale and encourages it, condones it and looks the other way between individuals.

You're mine, I own you...

Between two people, the right two people -

A most powerful, overwhelming, and loving way to be.  A statement of simple fact that slays me, melts me, draws me in, and raises me up all at the same time.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The flip side

Literally and more figuratively...

When he wants to play with pain, it usually involves my backside, and usually involves impact - which - well - i happen to be all on board with.  It often progresses from there and the front side eventually gets its attention too, but there is something very primal about being face down - whether tied or just ordered there.  I can't see him and i know he can't see my face, i'm disconnected from him a bit, there's the edge of objectification vs. a face to face struggle.  I have to listen more, but my mind can float more easily being not tethered to him so directly.

This time though he tied me on my back and blindfolded me - the blindfold was important i think.  I had no idea what was coming - the same kind of impact he usually likes - my ass, my back, even my thighs can take that - but i'm not so sure at all about my frontside parts surviving that.  I suppose that's why the instinct is to curl up and protect the soft underbelly and let the back take whatever's coming.  This felt much more vulnerable   I also couldn't see his face to gauge what he might have in mind.  I was facing him, i wanted to connect with him, i should be connected to him in that way in this position.  It kept me following him with my mind, attending to him rather than floating off - well, that and the fear.

Instead of impact though, he focused on other sensations - lots of clothespins, clamps, and the prickly wheel thing that mixes tickling with pain and makes my skin crawl  - evil.  Slow and methodical, every part held open and unprotected.

A few days later a lot of pieces of things that had been floating around in my head, things just out of my awareness i think, came together.  I came to bed wanting him very much, and without the self-consciousness that usually tinges my bedtime routine.  Actually - I didn't just want him.  I very much wanted to give myself to him, to open to him, to be his.  It occurred to me, as i climbed into bed, then tried to crawl inside his skin, as I melted completely into him and felt him reach out and envelope me, felt him accept my surrender to him, that being his is all the pieces of our lives.

It's not just the things that seem M/s, the things i often think i am missing or need more of, that bind us this way, though they are absolutely part of it all: service, obedience, expectations, use...  We didn't have this kind of intimacy or depth, i never knew this kind of wanting existed, until we figured out what it really means for him to own me, for me to surrender to him.

But, the flip side, part of the thoughts just out of reach in my head, is that we have this because of the day to day also.  We work towards common goals, we struggle together, we are patient with each other, we lose patience with each other, we hurt with and for each other, we celebrate each other, we joke and tease each other, we dream about our future together.

The fantasy of the detached, somewhat cold and harsh, demanding and stern Master, and the slave with the edge of nervousness and eagerness to please, the dynamic that is pure Dominance on one side and pure submission on the other - that fantasy works really, really well as a fantasy.  But it would never engender the complete desire to surrender all that i am to him that we have now.  

Saturday, September 13, 2014


I can get anxious, worried, fearful, and even dread what's coming sometimes, but once it's started, there's only one thing that induces panic.

I may (do) sometimes cry, yell, sob, struggle, rage all the way through, or at least until he lets me float off.

But only one thing he does makes me very, very afraid that i actually may not survive - that something, i have no idea what, spontaneous combustion perhaps - will certainly happen and i won't make it through to the other side.

It's the thing that trips my struggle over the edge from sincere to unaware of him and focused only on my survival.

And i am truly a total weenie.....

It only happens when he pins me on my stomach with his body, holds my arms above my head, pushes my hair aside, and bites my neck, then the spot just behind my ears - licking and blowing and nibbling then biting, hard, then my ears - with his tongue and his breathing and his teeth....

How do people survive that. I should have a hard limit, i really should.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014


Not a title likely to draw readers in droves - booorrrring, I know.  Ultimately, i write here for him though, and the state of us depends more on the hard and un-exciting stuff than the fun stuff.  

This first part is fairly woowoo - which is fairly unlike me - but so it goes.  

We don't have formalized speech or other overt signs of our respective positions, but there is something between us, a current maybe or a back channel, that we both feel and communicate through. Probably most people who spend long enough together have the same kind of thing - i don't know.  It's like eye contact: you can stare at someone's eyes forever, they may appear to be looking directly at you even, but you know without a doubt whether they have made eye contact with you or not.

I know he's there at the other side of that current, he know's when i am, and we each know the other knows.  It's a different thing than any of our other interactions.   When we get out of sync, it doesn't flow well, the communication through this channel is ineffective.  Or maybe, when it doesn't flow well, we get out of sync.  I know that sometimes I ignore that channel and pretend i can't hear what's coming through, or i doubt it and pout and deny it.  Like avoiding or refusing to make eye contact when you can feel the other persons eyes burning a hole in your skull.

On the other, less 'out there,' but more mundane and more difficult side of things, is the explicit, plain old, tell the person how you feel kind of communication.  It takes words.  And active effort to listen without defending yourself in your head at the same time.  And it takes (me) a lot of effort to tell him how i really feel sometimes.  Sometimes i'm ashamed of my feelings, sometimes i'm angry or critical of him, sometimes it's a place we've been before and i just don't necessarily think more words are likely to change anything.

It is tempting, easy, to spin things as they come out of my mouth, to put myself in a better light, to avoid admitting i was wrong, or to avoid needing to tell him that i think he was wrong, or that i'm disappointed in something he did or didn't do, or that my needs aren't being met.   The first two are only natural: no one likes to 'fess up to making mistakes, or being in the wrong.  And i still am not so comfortable with some of my desires that i share them easily.  But that's part of the bargain - I need to be open about those things.

The second part is harder.  The 's' isn't supposed to critique or be angry, or put her feelings in a position of importance.  Except that isn't sustainable long term - not for me.  And he has demanded this side of my being open as well.  Sometimes he is in the wrong - sometimes in things that matter enough that something has to be said.  And there are areas in which we aren't in sync - we aren't perfectly matched in all our interests, desires, styles, kinks, whatever you want to call it, and it doesn't feel right at all for me to talk to him about those things.  It feels like complaining, or asking him to change, or criticizing.  But we didn't get this far by my burying my feelings or hoping he would read my mind.

Saturday, September 6, 2014


I call him Sir, but only on what you might call special occasions: when we play/during a scene, for the daily caning or whatever other torment/discipline, in the heat of the moment (oh god, oh sir...), when i ask permission for anything, if begging seems to be called for, or whenever he gets that look and Sir seems like a wise choice.  Sometimes, in the middle of the day-to-day, he changes the mood of things by suddenly insisting on it - it's a signal and it effects the shift in the moment.

Sir isn't ever used in front of other people or within earshot even.  And i use it infrequently enough that it isn't my first impulse when speaking to or about him. I wouldn't really ever slip up and call him Sir out of context because it's more of a thing i have to think about to remember rather than the automatic thing.

We aren't formal or protocol  - not even very, very low protocol.  We are entirely natural and i guess equal in our communications.  I'm not quite sure how to describe it: our dynamic isn't expressed at all in our everyday interactions, not in our speech, or manners, or gestures, not overtly, at all.  There would be, to any observer, no sense of me being 'in my place.'

Tori included her perspective on this in an excellent post.   I can easily see how using Sir, or some other title of respect or deference, could have a profound impact on my frame of mind, the way i communicate with him, and how i think of him all around.  We are most often completely at ease with each other, like i said - no overt expression of us.  But, there are times that i feel way too at ease, way too familiar maybe, not quite disrespectful, but pushing the boundary.... if that makes any sense, considering that there are no expectations like that in the first place.  It's entirely situational, and i know exactly when i'm doing it, and i think he does too.

So i can see that a requirement about how i address him, or a protocol around speech, or manners or gestures or any such thing, would serve to reinforce our dynamic - which i like and often need.  It would reassure me when i doubt it, and remind me when i choose to ignore it.   I have learned the hard way never to say never - but i don't think this is an area where he will choose to make changes. I do know it would be very difficult for me.

He called the other day while I was in the middle of a conversation with my son.  I told him i was talking with the son so he (my husband) and i wrapped up quickly.  At the end he insisted i say "yes sir."  I reminded him the son was standing right there, but he insisted.  I giggled a little and tried to weasel around it - no go -  so i said it.  My son's eyebrows shot up and then he rolled his eyes.  Those two words were painfully difficult and stopped me in my tracks. I can't imagine Sir or anything like that just rolling off my tongue in front of other people ever.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

not like the other girls

I'm not like other girls (cuz you know all other girls are all exactly alike), in fact, I'm pretty far away from being like the other girls.

And most of the time that's just fine.

But every once in awhile i feel defective and i wish i could be like all of them, because that seems to be what all the guys want - and so mine must really also - and i'm not it....

Yes Sir - i know you don't, and i'm working on it.