Thursday, March 26, 2015

Saturday, March 21, 2015

For Bleuame

Bleuame asked.....I feel like I have asked you this before..or it has been asked before but here it goes: "Is there anything you wish he would change/modify about your behaviour and hasn't/doesn't?"

I think i may have answered this previously - but i also think it's worthwhile to look at things over time.  I'll go looking for my previous response after i write this and see if i've changed at all.  

Initially - way back when - and for awhile - i thought it would be terribly sexy to have him involved in what i wear, my appearance, my demeanor, etc.  But he doesn't.  He has no interest in exerting control in that area most of the time.   I also wish - out of pure laziness - that he would dictate my diet and exercise and all that kind of stuff - but for a lot of reasons - that just doesn't work. Neither of us cares much to make day to day chores or things that need to be done part of ttwd - maybe just because we've juggled day to day for so long - it just happens. 

What he does care about is how we interact.  He hasn't laid out rules or codes or protocols except for bedtime - when we are alone.  The boys are always around and they see EVERYTHING.  I got a lecture from one the other day because he heard me ask my husband if he liked the dress i had chosen to wear out that evening; "if you like it it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks, you should wear it, why ask dad.....?"  Real protocols or anything unusual in our interactions would be noticed and not just commented on, i think it could be confusing to them.  

What they do see is that we support each other, we treat each other, and them, with respect, we are polite and try to do nice things for each other, we ask instead of telling each other what to do, etc, etc.  That goes both ways, for both of us.  There have been subtle changes over the past 6 years, a shift in the power that the two of us know, but others don't.  

It is evolving though, our interactions.  We try to be all of that stuff i just said, but we aren't always.  For my part, i can get hurried, short, impatient, cranky, bossy, and other even less pleasant adjectives.  Sometimes he lets it flow, sometimes he calls me on it.  I always feel badly about it, even more so though when he just lets it flow.  In fact, when i feel like i've gotten away with really treating him inappropriately, it makes me doubt the whole thing and my commitment, and whether i'm cut out for this, whether he really cares, etc.  

So - in answer to the question - I often wish he would just lay out the expectations for our interactions, spell out the boundaries and then enforce them. In my fantasy mind, that would solve the problem, I would know exactly how to act, how to sound, how to be, and that would keep me from being stressed, impatient, overwhelmed, all those other things.  My rational mind knows that's not how it works - i'm absolutely still going to be stressed, overwhelmed, short....  

I quite honestly don't know how it would work, his taking more control of what is acceptable for me and my behavior, maybe more specifically the way i talk to him.   The other day i lost it - the stress of what is going on in our home recently is very different than anything previously - and i reacted to some things very differently than i ever have before - badly differently.

He grabbed my throat and pushed me into a quiet corner and made himself clear, fearfully so. He didn't listen to my excuses/reasons, or calm down, or back off or try to see my side.  And maybe that is the part i wish he would take more control but am also very unsure i could handle.  I had a very, very difficult time dealing with his response in the moment - i wanted very much to be heard, not to be chastised.  He did eventually talk with me about why i reacted so strangely.  But i also later, and now - feel better about that interaction than many others.   I feel somehow more secure with him, more grounded and resolved, less afraid of my emotions and feelings.  I'm not sure this makes any sense at all.  I'm not sure it does to me, or to him.  But i do think there is something to it.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

If you had to go back and start over again -- but got to keep the knowledge of yourself that you have now -- when do you think you would have started being kinky?

Jz sent me this question.  It doesn't make me uncomfortable, but my first response is that I have absolutely no idea.  Which feels like an easy out - the kind my son would give.

So i thought about it some more - or i stepped back and looked at how i really feel about it all...

I think i wouldn't change anything.  

When we did start was such a tough time to do so - I was so close to the finish line of a huge thing i had undertaken.  Starting something so new and potentially (and in actuality) overwhelming could so easily have completely derailed years of effort.  Our family and life was about to move, change, undergo a major upheaval, one more huge change to our lifestyle at the same time was stupidity.

But it worked, it worked out well, and in fact helped us through the other transitions and stressors at that time.

"But what about the opportunity costs?"  Wouldn't it have been even better if i had found out and we had explored even earlier -  for just kink, maybe just bedroom, maybe the whole tpe.... Think of the years we could have been having so much more fun, better sex, better marriage.  I don't know.  

But i still believe that I wouldn't go back and change anything.  I think I was ready when it happened. I'm not sure i would have been any sooner.  Maybe not mature enough, maybe too fearful, not open enough....  Maybe I would have been, just no way to know.  

I have an odd way of viewing things sometimes - seems to be a theme lately.  I don't really plan far ahead.  I don't have a 10, 20, 30 year plan for where i want to go, what i want to do, where i see myself when....  I look at choices and forks in the road when they present themselves and i try to make the best, most honest decision of the choices in front of me.  

The flip side of this is not regretting the path my life has taken.  That sounds arrogant (i did everything right) or ungrateful, or like i don't take responsibility for poor choices.  It's not those things. I do take responsibility and have remorse for poor choices, especially if I've hurt people along the way, but i don't stew in wanting to go back and change the past.   

So - i also don't think 'wouldn't it be great if i had done this, that, or the other sooner.  It's a strange way to approach life, I know, but for better or worse, that's me.

Thank you for the question!

Thursday, March 12, 2015

A question of compliments

What is the best compliment you've ever received?

This one is from Jz.  I thought it would be a really hard one.  It's certainly a great question, far more to it than meets the eye at first glance.  But, the answer occurred to me pretty quickly.

A few people over the years, most recently my husband, have told me that i am a very caring person.  

I know that doesn't seem like any great compliment, it sounds more like a throw away line you use when you can't think of anything else to say.  But that wasn't what it was.  It was/they were genuine assessments, his/their thoughts about me at difficult and important moments.

I don't always see myself as caring.  Or - i believe i care, and that it is incredibly important to be a caring person, but i don't always see that as "me."  I don't necessarily feel like i live up to what i think i ought to be.

In my family, from a pretty young age, i was the one who ended up making the rational, objective, difficult choices, the one who could be strong and hold it together in a crisis.  That's a more cold and seemingly uncaring position.  

I'm still more head than heart.  That's just who i am.  I am a scientist by profession, and by temperament.  When people come to me with problems, I'm more apt to try to start thinking of solutions than to lend a shoulder or an ear.  I have to work at making myself do the latter. Maybe living with all boys has contributed to that, or maybe that's just an unfair stereotype.  Chicken-egg?  Who knows?

I'm shy, and i'm also not overly demonstrative.  I don't do virtual hugs, and irl, i have to know you pretty well.  While my husband and i are very touch oriented, in general i tend to show my care and concern by doing, whatever it is i see can be done.  Sometimes though, there isn't anything that doing can help.  

I've wondered over the years if this makes me a poorer friend, poorer mother, poorer wife than i could be, ought to be.  

So for someone, especially someone who knows me well, to tell me they see me as a very caring person is a very big compliment to me. Maybe the only compliment that matters. 

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

question about blogging

  1. tori's third question, "Does blogging help you in any way, getting your thoughts together etc, feeling there are people out there that can relate to you etc?" and DelFonte's question, "An extension of Tori's question - you've been blogging a long time, what keeps you going?"  are related, so i'm going to try to tackle them together.
I've always had an up and down relationship with blogging.  I would not have found my way into kink or BDSM  without blogs.  Or, maybe more accurately, i would have been stuck with an image of it that was a bizarre mash-up from taken in hand, police dramas/horror movies, and maybe wikipedia.  Blogs let me see the range of the possible and the ways it can be real life. Having my own blog has allowed me to interact with real people (you), many just through blogs, a number through emails and chat, and a few irl.  

I do keep this part of me/us completely separate from my friends and family, work, people i interact with typically, so it is wonderful to have a group of people with whom i can share this part of my life.  I do wish sometimes it didn't have to be the "real world/real life" vs. "virtual world/online/virtual life" dichotomy. 

So - yes - to both of tori's questions.  I love meeting all kinds of people - people are fascinating, seeing the ways in which people make things work in their lives, especially the kinds of things i'm having trouble figuring out - i love the creativity, the ideas, the success when working at something pays off, seeing the solutions work, seeing the reality of failing and trying again..... It is encouraging, maybe inspiring, to see that other people are like me, or i'm like other people, and it can work, and can work so many different ways.  

Blogging also does help me get my thoughts out of my head; writing something forces it to be coherent enough to be put into words, no matter how awkwardly, which is far better than the tangled mess it often starts as.  If i can write it, i can start to understand it, and so can my husband. That's worthwhile.

Blogging has been a source of insecurity too.  That's all on me.  I have to say - I have gotten very, very few trolls over the years, likely because i'm fairly innocuous (read boring) in what i write about.  But in my head, i can get caught up in comparing, wondering if i measure up, if i'm doing it all wrong, if i should be doing x, y or z, if people take me seriously, etc.  Again - this is me - it happens in real life situations, and here. It happens far less than it used to, but still sometimes....  I've contemplated walking away when it gets to me too much, but on the whole, it's better for me to work through my silliness than to walk away.

Which leads to DelFonte's question, I've been at it a long time, why am i still at it?    The short answer is because my husband has asked me to continue.  He doesn't care how often I post, or on what topics, but he has asked me to keep this going, or at least to discuss it with him if i decide it's time to quit.  

It has changed over the past year or maybe two for me.  I find i have far less time for this.  I also have fewer questions or wonderings about the how or why for us, less angst about ttwd, and far more serious issues and angst about real life things going on.  And i can't really write about those things here in a meaningful way.  I do write about their impact on our dynamic, and vice versa, but, ironically for a sex blog, i still have to hide things that are too personal.    

There are also so many new people out there.  People who i think are probably also fascinating and creative and worthwhile knowing.  It bothers me that I just cant keep up.  The time thing.  So DelFonte's question is a good one.  Maybe it is past time.  But even though the size of my blog world has shrunk, I very much appreciate the interactions i do have and the people with whom i do interact.  

Thank you both for the questions.  And i am open to any others anyone may have......

Saturday, March 7, 2015

The hardest question

The second of tori's questions was:

What has been your most favourite scene so far, or what is your most favourite activity to engage in?

This shouldn't be - but it is the damned hardest question for me.  In my defense - i don't have a favorite movie, or book, or song, etc - it all depends on my mood, the given moment, which way the wind's blowing....  I'm either spoiled (want it all, not content with just one thing) or just easy to get along with and un-demanding.  The answer to that probably depends on the given day also.

I love a long, slow trip to subspace, the crop then maybe the flogger, then maybe the cane or strap or paddle - he knows how to keep just the right rhythm and intensity to take me there so easily.  Add in perfect amounts of tease and torment with any of my holes, letting me worship him, orgasms and time to lie in each others arms afterwards..... bliss!

But sometimes it's all about the harsh realignment.  He knows how to lead me straight to subspace, and he knows exactly how to keep me out of it too.  It almost doesn't matter what he uses - but how - too hard, too fast, too slow, too long - on my breasts or pussy, on my ass but with my hips fully flexed (i am truly a huge wuss with that one), bound in a position that leaves me feeling exposed and helpless rather than secure (e.g., arms up, from a hook in the ceiling in the middle of the room).  He knows how to truly piss me off while he's at it - that and the pain i can't get a handle on takes my head to some very intense places.  It's like a long run - i dread it, would work my way out of it if i could, would gladly quit anytime in the middle of it,  but i know before, during, and after that it is exactly what i need. 

I think though, that the thing that has become the most meaningful between us is the cane. He has conditioned me to want, maybe need, the cane.  I won't say i love it, or that it's my favorite, but i know he very much likes the effect he can have with it, both on my mental state, and the marks it leaves.  He has become, shall we say, fluent in expressing himself with it, and I find it's a hard thing to ignore.    

Thank you tori, and I'm sorry it's such a cop out answer.  

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

tori's first question

Looking back to when you both first started this new journey, how would you say your relationship has improved, strengths etc?

Thank you tori for three excellent questions.   This is a long winded answer to the first one, because yesterday was a day that answered it.  

Last night i was being a little cheeky shall we say during my asking to get into bed.  My husband was a little tired and not in the mood for cheeky.  He threatened to get the dog's leader and leash and pull me for a few laps around the room to get me in line.  I must have made a not altogether penitent noise because he said, "Oh, I see," and asked me if that was actually a fantasy of mine.

That was a really tough one for me.  The day had been one that i spent really wanting, really looking forward to the possibility of some time alone with him. He spent the day driving 6 hours through a snow and ice storm, and work sucks, and other stuff...  I was craving pain and really rough handling, he was absolutely exhausted and on edge.  

I'm getting better, but i still go bad places in my head sometimes when i don't get what i want - i know - not the point in the first place, and not very mature in any case.  The bad place has to do with my doubting that this is good for us, because clearly i want it more than he does, and it's not supposed to be about me, and i'm just forcing him to be weird and kinky, and he would be better off if i would just give it up......Blah, blah.....  I go there a lot less often than i used to, and in fact, until the leash comment i was good yesterday.  He had a horrible day and i did what i could to help.  

But the fantasy question put me off - i didn't want him to think i am so weird, and i didn't want to be so needy.  He forced the issue.  I broke down before i could actually admit to him that it would probably turn me on, admitted my insecurities about being needy and too much for him.

This is the part where I finally answer the question.  He told me that he is so thankful that i took such a huge leap of faith years ago and admitted to him what i thought i wanted, trusted him not to run away or dump me or think of me as perverted.  He told me that he is so incredibly happy with our relationship now - the whole relationship - and that he can't imagine where or how we would be if i hadn't asked.

Sex is just one piece - our sex life before was terrible, and that was because of me.  Submitting fixed that - pretty much instantly.  But the openness and trust and really getting to know one another and really paying attention to one another that this demands has made our relationship stronger and deeper than it was then and than it would be now if we hadn't made this change.  

Tori of course asked for specifics - so - beyond the sex - which isn't trivial, we each talk to the other, i can't hide from him because he won't allow it, and he doesn't hide from me because he now knows i will really listen.  We have ways to resolve things that do come up without power struggles and each of us fighting for our side out of ego and fear.  We can resolve things without lingering resentment, they get resolved and are done.  But i think the biggest improvement, the biggest strength is joy - we each find joy in the other, and we want to bring joy to the other.

So - sappy as hell i know.  Doesn't fit the mold of D/s or M/s or kinkyness or whatever.  But it's the answer.   

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

I would, I will, of course......

I know I'm pretty quiet these days.  I am definitely open to answering questions though, if anyone has anything they would like to ask me.