Of blogging, and of the way my mind works.....
Three of other peoples' posts have come together for me this past week: lil's post on emotional masochism here, mouse's post on surrender here, and Sir J's post on mindset here.
I find all three to be beautiful and profound descriptions of their respective dynamics. They explain the depth and the love that actually exist in this lifestyle. And they speak to the hard work and the integrity of all of the people involved in each of those relationships (blogger and partner). That's the good.
The bad and the ugly are that i sometimes find i read these sorts of posts as indictments of myself rather than celebrations of the writers. I read through a lens of "what am i doing wrong, why am i not able to be that way, act that way, have that mindset of gratitude and of putting him first."
And that is what it comes back to. I can't always, don't always put him first in my thoughts and feelings. And then there is a noisy little corner of my mind that says, "If he wanted that, he should make it happen." Then the real, intelligent part of my mind hushes that corner.
But the reality is, I don't know where he wants my head to be. Maybe it is already where he wants it, or is on the way there. Maybe that is the point - i should be attuned to what he does, wants, says - not to what i think he wants or ought to have.
I think we probably all run into the points where our personal choices run counter to societies' dictates. But there are also a lot of points where my personal choices run counter to what i believe is right in general. I know that it all comes back to consent. And i'm not struggling with the right or wrong of my choices in these cases; i deeply believe that we are treating each other with more love and respect than ever before.
It's more a matter of - I noticed that my responses to these particular items were not what they would have been once. Where i now think "ooh, yea, love that," or have a secret little blush and flush of remembrance or longing, i need to remember that those same things are reviled precisely because they are so often imposed without consent.
This is in fact how i would like the world to be - no - that's not strong enough - this is absolutely how it ought to work, end of discussion. This is what i want my boys to understand as the only right way.
Except for me - in my marriage (and other people in their relationships, if that's what they've freely chosen). Giving him my "no" once and for all was absolutely the right thing for me. His taking it from me has been the best for both of us.
If you don't want to watch the whole thing (or any of it), it plays off the pretty much universally accepted abhorrence of deviant sexual behavior. This is a tame version, created for "real people" because real people don't condone these kinds of things and may not even believe they actually exist, or think thye are relegated to sickos (or infamous historical figures). This one especially plays up the idea of being pissed on for the repulsion/outrage/comedy effect.
Except - When he takes me to the shower and puts me on my knees, I'm immediately transformed. I need this, I welcome this. This brings me back to him, strengthens my desire to follow him, and re-connects and re-aligns us both. I am truly grateful when he does this.