Sunday, May 31, 2015


Bleuame (blog private - so i'm putting the article link here ) had posted a link to one woman's take on the "mommy bonus" concept.  I talked to my husband about it - actually - i brought it up on a longish car ride (great time for long, random discussions that we don't always have the luxury of time for). The boys were with us (they are 16 and 18 yrs old), so they had some interesting input and perspective also - i think it's fascinating to see how mature some of their ideas on things are, but with room for the color of actual life experience.

My husband had, coincidentally,  read this NY Times article about the same thing.  This one is longer, and not at all a defense of the mommy-bonus thing.  It is, as stated explicitly in the article, a view of a very, very specific subset of SAHM's, a subset i wouldn't qualify for if i wanted to.

For background - i do work.  I don't have nearly the income my husband does - my occupation is not a lucrative one, but has value for the people i serve.  My husband insists that i work, for a number of reasons, including that value.  We made and continue to re-evaluate the decision for me to work, and the specifics and implicationbs of what that entails, very carefully and intentionally.

For further information: i struggle with the stay at home vs. work outside the home as much as anyone.  I think the 'mommy wars' is unbelievably destructive and also stupid.  I do feel the censure and disapproval from many directions for my (our) choice, so this should not be construed as a criticism of stay-at-home-mothering!!!  IT IS NOT.

There are so very many words in my head about this whole mommy bonus thing, and even more words about the NYT's article - the gender segregation, the pitting of one group against the other (husbands vs. wives) and the resultant power differential....  but, in the end, i have boiled it down to a completely self-evident and too obvious conclusion - --

--- the only way i can genuinely give him power over me is if each of us wholeheartedly believes we are equal to begin with.  

I know - duh!  But whether it's some tiny micro-culture that dictates the inequality, or religion, or a much larger society, or just that the guy you are with is a misogynist and you buy it also - i don't think that allows for a full exchange of power.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

maybe: a not very D/s and somewhat touchy subject.....

But i don't have another blog - so this goes here.

I was raised Catholic and moved away from that to a more liberal, inclusive flavor of Christianity.  But, as i see it (feel deeply in my bones,) Christianity in the US has been hijacked by groups who are the very antithesis of Christian.  It is becoming very difficult for me to willingly accept the name, which should be causing me great concern and angst...crisis of faith and all that.

Except - it isn't - i worry that i ought to be feeling some crisis, but i actually feel kind of more at peace.

I find myself feeling more sure of what i think is right and wrong, what i feel i personally should and should not do for myself, my family, others, the world...and I'm sure much of this -  my conscience i suppose - is rooted in my upbringing - because i do feel that i am obliged in many ways to serve others - not out of guilt, but just because it's what is right.  I also feel more sure that religious institutions offer some good ways to serve others, but for me, a poor way to worship or find faith.

At the same time - maybe related, maybe unrelated - I feel myself changing.  And i have such a hard time explaining it - it feels like my soul changing maybe.

It's springtime and i do plants - but this year the pull to plant and tend and grow has been especially strong, and oddly specific.  Some things in our circumstances have changed and we now have access to a fairly wild piece of land and i am feeling something waking up inside of me in response to it.  I am just waiting though, waiting to see where the feelings and pulls and nudges lead me.

Maybe i'm sliding into crazy.  Maybe as i get older, the crazy is just freer to come out.  Maybe it's just a need to unplug - there's plenty in my daily life that is way too plugged in.   Maybe my soul has just reached a limit of being disconnected from what it really needs.

Like i said - not D/s - maybe crazy - but what's in my head a lot recently.....

Thursday, May 21, 2015


A small, discrete and meaningful tatoo would be sexy.

Peirced nipples would be sexy - and require a certain amount of hiding from the rest of the world so they would remind me of being his even while i present a different face to the world.

Even a cut in mark (I scar like no one's business) would be sexy and kinda cool as long as no one else could see it....

But the matching patches of discolored, dried-out rawhide i now have instead of normal skin in the middle of each ass cheek are not at all sexy, attractve, or nice; though, he does keep reminding me that my opinion on this doesn't really matter at all.

Monday, May 11, 2015

on my mind

He often asks me what I'm thinking about.  Yesterday was a particularly all -over-the-board kind of day.  I'm missing probably 90% of it - but this is the remains that was still swirling in my head as i tried to fall asleep last night.

Is my mom going to continue to be able to live on her own and be safe and enjoy her retirement and freedom?

I got a profile on fetlife and poked around out of curiosity - mostly I realized I'm old - am I too old to be kinky?  Will I be soon?

Are the engines in ATV's fairly simple - simple enough that we could do basic maintenance, or are they more complex?

How would i change the dish i made for dinner last night - it was ok - but could be better.

Since we've gone far past the mini-van stage, does it make sense to trade that in for a different car - with all the other changes coming at us?

What about what comes next - two more years till both boys are off to college (all fingers crossed) - what does that mean for us - what should we be doing, what can we do to prepare?

Can we really kinkify our home at all - in any way?  How will things in our daily lives change - or will they?  Will it still be something that waxes and wanes with the demands of everything else? Am I just too old?

Why in the hell is it 87 degrees in early May - it doesn't get that warm in August here where i live?

What's up with the dog?  He's not old enough to be slowing down like this, is he?  Wonder how old he really is?  Should i take him in to the vet?  Is it just the heat?

Can we really impact climate change - or is it much too late?

I should move the roses there, and the rudibeckia there, and pull out the pachysandra, and finish the kitchen garden here......

What does my son's future look like?  Is he really doing what he needs to be doing?  What about the other one - is he alright or not?

Need to remember to hang out the laundry tomorrow morning before I go to work.

Work - oh crap - there's so much going on and so much i need to do I can't even let myself think about that tonight.

Why does he forbid me to touch his nipples?  And why do i always feel compelled to try anyhow?

If we do get a different car - it should be a stick so the boys can learn to drive a stick.  Plus - I miss that.

Getting divorced sucks.  I wish I could help in any way.  I don't know what either of them needs.  That loss of intimacy - physical, emotional, all around - must be devastating, i just can't imagine.  Although - maybe that intimacy hasn't been there in any case....

I should have bet something fun on the basketball game tonight.  (I don't care a bit about basketball, but we happened to root for different teams this time)   Abby has fun with it - i should think about that.

Why do i sometimes crave really harsh treatment and subjugation so badly, and other times i really want to turn the tables and be able decide what i want and when and how.

How do we get more involved and engaged in our community as our time frees up a bit in the next few years.

Isn't it possible to build a bed that doesn't squeak in any direction?

All the small and subtle signs of aging in our parents over this past weekend - what does the research say about successful aging - physically, but mostly mentally.  What do we need to be doing differently?

Since there was cock-worshipping going on tonight - will he still want me to be available tomorrow morning?  Or should i plan to go to work early?

Can I get away with not shaving - no - i suppose he does expect me to shave either way....

Since I'm in one of those 'want it - but not really sure i'm metally prepared for it' frames of mind - maybe it really is better that it's up to him after all.

Could i get into the right frame of mind?  Maybe a good beating would help with ALL THIS NOISE IN MY HEAD

Thursday, May 7, 2015

not just about sex

A little slow to respond?  A little huffy and smart-mouthed?  Having a little trouble sliding back into, "He's home so I'm not in charge anymore?"  

Being dragged by my hair up off the sofa to where he wants me, shoved against the wall with his hand on my throat, substantial pressure bringing on more than an edge of fear, breasts mauled painfully and body used roughly.....

That works.

Makes me soft and makes me His.

How completely screwed up is that?