Saturday, February 22, 2014

I want what you have

Three seem to be a few themes out there in the blogs recently, or things it seems bloggers have on their minds.  The ones that have hit me are writers block (obviously - since it's been two weeks) and service and doing things your own way.

Ironically - my writers block is related to a thinking block - i read or have things i notice in my world that i think are important, interesting, and worth really thinking about - then my brain looks at it and essentially says *whatever* with the accompanying eye roll, and then flits off.

If it makes any sense whatsoever - I can see what i want to think.  I can see the nice, neat, fully formed, tied-up-with-a-bow thought process and conclusions in my head, but i can't get into the box to really look at it, or share it, especially with my husband.

So i'm forcing myself to write - even if it's just a little, and kinda simplistic, or silly, one topic at a time......

Starting with - blogging and "I want what you, and you, and you have" (looks around at the other blogs all around).  Except - I DON'T.  I don't want what you have -  I want the feeling maybe, the result, the outcome, sometimes.... But we have worked so, so hard to have what we have.  And good grief does it look different from what you and you and you have.

The conflict in my mind isn't in wanting to be like anyone else.  The unrest in my mind right now is in how i use or rely on what i read in other blogs.

I never would have discovered any aspects of BDSM or power exchange, or any of ttwd without this blogworld.  Or - more accurately - my knowledge of any of it would have been limited to sideways and prurient references on TV or in movies or now in popular fiction.  This blogland is where i found concepts to explore, (and yes) looked at how other people do this thing we do, got ideas to try, found things to talk about with my husband, used other peoples' reflections to help me consider and clarify my own thoughts and beliefs, etc., etc., etc.,...

There really is enough of a common underlying structure to it all that we have "copied" a lot of what other people do that we likely would not have thought to do on our own: spanking, flogging, nipple clamps of all sorts, buying and using toys, calling him Sir, safewords, collars; the fun things - and the concepts and language that have helped us define in our minds what we are with and to each other.

So in that respect - I/We have certainly worked to become 'like' all of you.  In reality - he measures and considers all of it - the ideas, stories, my thoughts (as incoherent as they sometimes are), examples that i bring to him, and the ones he finds on his own - he decides to try them - or not.  He then decides if they worked and were good, or not.  He weighs my input, my responses, my needs and wants, and how those change.

So that, what "We" are - isn't so different in general, but is in fact unique to us: he likes all sorts of ways of making my ass red and hot and painful, but never as a punishment; he likes all sorts of ways of torturing my tits; he insists on honesty and my being open to him in all ways; he likes being called Sir, but not when anyone else is around; he likes my kneeling for important or difficult conversations, but he doesn't care at all for me to sit on the floor instead of the sofa with him just in general; he has no desire at all to grant me permission to pee - but he won't let me scratch an itch in his presence, though he will do it for me if I ask nicely...

I have always been very careful to look at myself and try to make sure i'm not confusing my wants or needs or feelings with "just something i read."  I've worked to catch the "you're doing it wrong" types of thoughts and to keep them out of my mind and my communications with him.  I'm sure i've failed now and then, but i try.  There is no denying though that all of you have influenced me and us - for the better, how i see things, how i make peace with things,  how i understand things.

What i do worry or think about more recently though is that i might be using blogging as training wheels of sorts.  I wonder if I or if we would grow differently if it were to happen organically, without outside influence, or whether it would just stall out and fizzle.  Or maybe as it has been is a good way for it to be?

Sunday, February 9, 2014

skating away

On the thin ice of the new day

My whole life, there has been a voice that is with me almost all the time - it is loudest when i'm in crowds or groups.  It tells me that I'm not really quite good enough for whatever group this is, that I don't quite belong, that i will be discovered as an impostor any minute now....

I spent most of last week at a professional conference, exactly the type of setting in which this voice would have been screaming at me - to the point of drowning out any other thoughts.

This time the voice was really nowhere to be heard though.

I had a lot of time to reflect on my way home.  It dawned on me very quickly that the voice was absent, and that i came away from this week re-energized, focused, and excited about my work.  It also occurred to me that i do belong, i contribute, i actively mentor and i am accepted by and supported by my mentors, i have hurdles and shortcomings to address, but i am good at a really wide range of aspects of this thing.

And i realized that it (my job/profession, working to excel in it) is very good for me.  It stretches me and it balances me and, like finding the perfect outlet for a kid (or puppy) with not enough to occupy her time, it calms and uplifts me.

One immediate knot-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach with that realization was that it must mean i'm not completely fulfilled by serving Him.  So --- some quiet tears in my window seat on the flight and some seriously disruptive angst once i got home  --- and yea - i'm not.  I do need more. I am better all around with more.   What does that mean for us, for whatever it is we are?  

Of course he knows this already, has always known it.  He wants me to be good at what i do, to be stretched (not that way), to be balanced - absolutely - to be balanced.  He also wants me to be His, has no desire to change that.  He sees no issue here, this is his vision, it all fits, as is.

It feels like very thin ice right now - it has for a bit in fact.  He gives me room, he is patient and he is encouraging and helpful - all terrible things - right?   But i feel it as backing off, losing interest, lowering expectations, indifference - but not indifference to me - just to the submissive me - which must mean he doesn't really want me to be submissive - so how does he want me to be?

It's a little tough to hit publish on this one.  More drivel from inside my head.  You would think that after 5 years i would be past this.  Sadly - it looks like i still have work to do.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

clothespins and other randomness

I've run across giant clothespins as sculptures before, and even more pictures of giant clothespins as art. They've always been freestanding - no context at all.  They made me wonder what the artist really had in mind - but i pretty much assumed it was about the form not the function.  I imagined people could add either sheets and a clothesline or tender flesh to the image in their minds. This one however is downright evocative, not so much room to wonder.  

The day i posted my last post, i'm not sure if before or after my husband had read it, after the kids had left for school but just before i needed to leave for work, he called me into the bedroom and told me i needed to catch up on the days canings missed. Um - it was the end of the month and a lot of days missed. I had just been writing about wanting to be able to pull myself together all on my own without his intervention; this seemed like a really good time to exercise that new skill set.  No go - so face down i went.

The canings on the dates just hurt, and maybe arouse, but have never led to subspace.  They are meant as maintenance, reminders, re-orientations - call it what you will, but they are meant to hurt all through.   This time I fell very, very quickly.  It was the loveliest, deepest relaxation with the loveliest sensations to my backside.   I assumed he was being more gentle than usual, it's his call, who am i to complain, but the raised, hard, burning continuous welt of my entire backside convinced me he hadn't.  I guess i had needed that.

I'm off to Las Vegas next week.  It's for work and it will be very long days of work.  But - I will sneak in a little sunshine and a little warmth.  I've never been to Vegas.  Here in the heart of the heartland, of course, Vegas has an image, a mystique and a reputation, one which their tourism board has worked hard to establish no doubt.  My husband has talked about escaping there for a weekend, not to gamble, but to explore maybe being a bit more open and public and adventurous - you know....  Where we live - is a very small town - as new as we are - everyone knows everyone.  I actively avoid thinking about how i feel about open or public or adventurous at all.   I'm focusing on warm - no boots, and no layers of wool.