Sunday, June 14, 2015

vacation and kids

We are leaving this week for vacation.  We will be gone over two weeks - we've never taken such a long vacation before.  In looking at the next few years, it became apparent that this summer is the last summer we could do this.  College is right around the corner, and their need to really work more and save money for college are here.  So we are going all out and we will have over two weeks as a family, together.  With adventures.

Which isn't at all kinky - and won't be - we will be 24/7 with the boys; this is an active, outside, i'm a little concerned i won't be able to keep up, taking my boots not my heels or cute little sandals, kind of trip.

But it impacts us - our kink, our dynamic, our Dominance and submission.  Because our kids and our family are part of us.  

I assume - actually - i think it goes without saying - that people love their children, care for them, do whatever they have to for them.  It follows that a D/s or M/s dynamic has to accommodate children if children are part of the family.  Kids are stubbornly and fiercely their own people - more deeply and consequentially and less cute and adorably as they grow up.  And as the mom and dad they often impact or determine what we do, when, and how, and most of all - they have a big impact on our emotional state.  

Here in our household, in our dynamic, he doesn't play hard if he isn't in the right frame of mind.  He will use me to let off steam, amuse himself, take his mind off other stressors, help him fall asleep, for the fun of it, to satisfy an itch, or just because......  But he won't take out real frustrations on me and he won't use me hard if he doesn't feel like his own head is in the right place.  In fact, he won't engage in controlling me, even non-physically, if he feels he isn't resolved with his own emotions.  It doesn't happen often, but outside concerns do sometimes occupy his mind. The thing that has the most power to agitate him to that degree is our kids.  

Likewise, he won't push me if my head clearly isn't in the right place.  I don't mean just not quite feeling it or i'm in the middle of my book and would rather wait a bit (ha! because that might just go down well)....  He re-aligns me if i'm distracted or pushing back, or he feels i ought to be able to get my head in the game.  But if i'm really tied up in knots emotionally, he tries, because, often, being re-aligned, even somewhat harshly, is good for me in the end.  But sometimes even the beating doesn't really reach me.  He'll thank me for giving myself and my body to him, but he chooses to stop, to hold me, to let me cry, to talk.... And yes - the thing that has the most power to upset me to that degree is our kids.  

It's been a hard year kids wise.  I don't think a vacation will erase anything, or make the future any easier - the stresses they face at this point in their lives are actually kind of incredible.  I am hoping that the change in scenery, the escape from the "have-to's" here, and the fun and the physical of it will refresh and renew all of us.

Monday, June 8, 2015

blurred lines

No - not the song!

I wax and wane on this one (like most things) and it is something i think about more or less at times, but not something that really causes angst. My husband is sure of himself on this one though, and in the end (like so many other things) it's quite likely a very good thing that he is less mercurial than I am.

I think about meeting other kinky people, for just talking or for learning or maybe even for playing.   It's why i joined fet - to see if there is a kinky community nearby - turns out there is.  They have meetings and seminars and weekends and camping and playspaces and things to learn....  I seriously toyed with the idea of signing up for a seminar in fireplay - and surprising him - he is very intrigued by fireplay - but would not be happy about that kind of surprise.

I'm not sure why i want to seek a community based on our lifestyle.  We each have groups and activities we participate in based on our interests - not avidly - but there are benefits to meeting up with other people with shared interests - of course - this is our sex life and the structure of our marriage, not gardening or biking or biomechanics or football.

I pretty easily get lulled into a mindset that it's all perfectly normal, accepted and mainstream. It maybe ought to be (at least not abnormal and certainly accepted, maybe not mainstream).  But, the fact is that it isn't and i tend to ignore the reality that many people would find it disgusting, perverted, immoral and perhaps criminal.  And i conveniently forget what a small town this really is.

A few little things reminded me - a person i see pop up in my (local) friends' feeds on facebook now and then uses his same profile picture on fet - he has a very distinctive look, it's definitely the same person. And - my son was planning to go see the midnight Rocky Horror Picture Show with his friends at the local theater, so was a local kink group.

The lines in reality are blurred.  In my head they are sometimes non-existant.  And maybe the lines shouldn't be there at all because there really is nothing actually wrong with us, and maybe our sex-life should stay in our bedroom like most peoples' do....

Tuesday, June 2, 2015


He's awfully good at getting me where he wants me.

And - as much as he enjoys my pain and my struggle - sometimes he enjoys my pleasure as well.

That's not quite accurate - he almost always enjoys my pleasure, seldom does he deny me and most often he ultimately takes me there and drinks it all in.  It's just that - quite often his path there leads through my pain and struggle.

But sometimes there's magic involved.  Turns out ginger is magic.

He'd never tried figging before, which is a little surprising since i cook a lot with ginger and there's almost always a hand around.

I waited in his favorite position for a long time while he futzed around downstairs.  I'm getting better at centering my thoughts on him in those moments, though i can't banish all the noise, usually the noise is focused on him now.

He came back up with stuff, but i couldn't see - part of what he likes about this position i assume.

He was making small little noises that didn't really make sense, then i caught the smell - no way to hide that.

Floods of thought then - i've always been curious, but i've read that it's awful, but i've read that it's great, what if it's truly unbearable, what if i can't take it and it doesn't stop when the plug comes out, what if he forces me to just endure it no matter how bad it is, and damn doesn't that make me just melt, is this a punishment, no - he would do this all differently if it were, he's just experimenting on me, is he going to also flog or cane me with it in, won't that make it so much worse, i should be afraid, but really i am just sinking into submissive and good gods, oh so aroused.... all the while he's very slowly peeling and carving behind me....

Then it was ready and he pushed it in - it wasn't too large, but the tingle was immediate, which led to clenching which of course intensified the tingle that was quickly heading towards burning.  I was still head down/ass up but starting to pant and really wanting to squirm and change position. The sensation really does just ramp up all by itself.  He just stepped back and watched.  The pain, but also the struggle to stay in place and the humiliation of what he'd done and how i must appear - i was very, very quickly off into a screaming need to be touched, to be pushed around, to be mauled,  to be fucked.  My attention jumped from the overload of sensation in my ass to the very palpable lack of sensation in my tits and the achingly empty feeling of my pussy.

His fingers were covered in the juice - i hadn't considered that.  Eventually he grabbed my tits, twisting and pinching, more pain - and i was off and flying - but still achingly empty.  When his fingers found my clit though - the juice, the burn there now too, he spread it around so everything was lit up

I don't know if he took the plug out first or not - but when he slid into my cunt from behind - that was the sensation, the feeling of him filling me that every piece of me had been screaming for.