Sunday, March 30, 2014

speaking to him

This is the email i got from him....

"I would like you to wear the jeweled plug while you cook dinner. Please have it in for at least an hour.
Love you"

As i went to respond - the first (3 or 4) things my fingers went to type were smart-assed (or sassy or bratty - depending on your take on the whole thing).  Some wiser part of my brain stopped me from actually sending those things - but, sadly - it took me way longer than it should have to figure out how i could respond that would be appropriate...  

"Yes Sir"

Duh!   And also telling.....  

I use "Sir" when we are alone.  He only very rarely insists on that.  It is something I do - and it took me a long time even to trust that he liked it - because he so completely waits for me to do it on my own.   It would be infinitely easier for me to do if he demanded it; if it were required, it would be routine and automatic.  As it is, it makes me feel small and very, very vulnerable.  

We've never had any rules about my speech - at all - apart from normal civility. I joke, tease, i'm sarcastic and sometimes crabby and often sharp. We have (mostly) learned over a long marriage where the lines are for hurtful or cruel.  We don't go there.  But i do sometimes see myself joking and teasing and wonder where he wants the everyday speech line to be.   There's a balance somewhere in there between submissive, quiet, reflective and the real, live, joyful, engaged and engaging person he wants me to be.  

But...when i'm off or out of sorts, it flows from my mouth.  When my leash feels too long - i get - i guess bratty, mouthy; it's where i push when i push back.  Sometimes i feel like more explicit rules about how i speak to him or address him would be useful.  As if control in that area would keep me from ever feeling off balance or out of sorts. I think it's an active submission or unbound submission thing for him/for me though, something he wants me to handle all by myself - and to get it right.  

Actually - i know that's how he sees it.  He does see me, he sees what i do and how and most often he sees why.  And he expresses his displeasure when i go too far.  It is funny how being gagged and beaten and used in that detached, objectified way can be such a turn on... Or, if he begins by telling you you've crossed a line and he is not angry, but disappointed and wants to make a point - that gag and beating and cold, disdainful use can be heartbreaking.  

Saturday, March 22, 2014

last questions: Sir J and Petals MJ

My bandwidth is pretty much maxed out these days, so i'm chugging along very slowly here.....

Petals MJ asked: 
How has your dynamic changed the way you see your husband, if at all? 

The first one made me really ponder.  I feel like i should say i respect him more, look up to him more, that kind of thing.  But those aren't the things that come to mind.  I have always admired and respected his integrity, his way of just digging in and doing what needs to be done, his strength in being true to himself and what he believes is right.  Those traits are highlighted in ttwd, but they've always been there and have always been things i very much appreciate about him.  

He's not overtly emotional or passionate. He is truly the 'still waters run deep' person.  What ttwd has let me see is the depth and the passion that are there - that no one else, including me previously, sees.  I feel very privileged to have that view in fact.  It's something i feel protective of and very much drawn to.

And.. to piggyback Mouse's question...If you gave him a list of things you wish for, would he begin some because you needed or wanted them?

This very thing has been the subject of way too much angst and over-thinking for me.  The whole thing was something i wished for - and he gave it to me....  Or that's how the story sometimes goes in my head.  I get completely caught up in the mess of, "He's just doing it for me, he doesn't really want it or like it, that's not how it's supposed to be, it's supposed to be about what he wants, not what i want, so I should never ask for anything......" 

It has taken me a long time to learn to tell him what i feel like i need, what i think i want and what i think i might like.  And he does sometimes do or give me those things - sometimes in different ways than i expect.  And sometimes he chooses explicitly not to do or give them.  That feels like it's because i asked - which makes me sometimes reluctant to bring ideas to him - because if i think i want it he may deny it just because i want it....  In the end - his consistency in doing just exactly what he chooses to do - no matter what - is what allows me to bring things to him.  

Thank you for these questions - they reminded me of some of the things about him i really love.

And Sir J asked: 
How do you see the dynamic and the sex evolving as you get older?

So - my first smart-alec response is that i foresee creaky joints, saggier bodies, and lots of other bleak ageisms.   On the flip side - he reminds me with some frequency that once the house is ours (i.e., kids no longer living here), he will be able to keep me more the way he wants me - whatever that entails at any given moment.  Which i suppose is both a sex and a dynamic answer.

I guess i do see that some accommodations for aging are inevitable - we are human, not fictional.  On the other hand, i have seen us becoming more and more comfortable and open to expanding what 'sex' encompasses - maybe i mean being 'sexual' more often with it being spread around and not just as part of a finite act.  I've also seen more and more the sexual side of us being woven throughout our dynamic - as a means of communication and giving and taking of power between us - that impacting the rest of our experiences each day (positively) instead of our daily experiences impacting our sex life (negatively) so much.  I can only assume these things will continue to grow and expand and deepen.  

I see us being more and more open to trying different things sexually.  I feel like we were  (I was) in a hurry to try everything - and now we are calmer about it.  We have the rest of our lives to have adventures - and we both like adventures.  

The non-sexual aspects of the dynamic - i see myself becoming less panicked about doing it the right way, or about it just suddenly disappearing, or second guessing what every nuance implies.  I think that will let it be more and more us - more right and good for us- and more reflective of us.  Specifically, as an example: i am learning to hold the me that is His and the me that is in the world at once and integrate them to have a sum greater than each of the parts, rather than just keeping peace between the two.  I think he saw this in me long before i did.  I know he is more and more imposing into my existence - but i'm not even going to try to guess as to what he feels about it all.  

Thank you Sir J for the question.  

Sunday, March 16, 2014

mouse's question - funny you should ask.....

mouse asked:
Rituals and our little routines are quite important. 

Sometimes they float under our radar and we fail to realize they are a ritual.

You mentioned in your post that there are things you wish he would do or require of you...Do you care to expand on those things (of course they change maybe even from day to day)? Do you have a wish list of things you wish he'd require?

Is there anything that he has required or mentioned that made you feel like, "really?! You've got to be kidding!"

I think i get wish-y when i feel like either we have too much going on - too much space between us, or that i have too long a leash.  There are very few things that i kind of like as a ritual, or really think i would like, that he just doesn't care about.  Me being on the floor in the evenings when we are together is one of the few.  I think it would feel lovely - he likes me curled up next to him, with my head on his shoulder or his lap, where he can pet my head, or reach around and play with whatever bits he wants, or just feel me there while he does his work.  In the end - that is quite lovely too...

Other things occur to me, appeal to me, or pass through my mind i think mostly because they seem like things that would make me feel connected, or which would reinforce my place, or let me feel his Dominance more explicitly.  It's funny, because as i think about it - the things that come to mind recently are not so much service based as they are small humiliations or kinks: being plugged, wearing collar or cuffs, orgasm denial, that kind of thing.  So maybe i need to think about whether these things are really in his service, or mine.  

So - you asked for specifics - and so far i've evaded.  One thing that i have thought about for a longer time is cleaning him afterward, with my mouth.  He has never asked this of me, he always cleans himself up, or allows me to use a cloth to do it.  There is no ritual to it at all.  And I've often felt a twinge of guilt or unease about this, like it's something i really ought to be doing.  This one i can honestly say is not coming from a kink or 'humiliate me in a  sexy way' kind of place.  But i also have no idea if he would want this, care about it all, or if it's like sitting on the floor - it's something lots of other people do but which he doesn't care about at all.  I suppose i'll find out one way or another soon enough.  

I do kind of wish there were rituals, or rules, or maybe even just guidelines around my speech. It's an area where i often feel i have too much leash - or none at all.  And/or it's an area where i tend to push back and let my irritation, discomfort, uneasiness or general brattiness really shine. I think i will make that a separate post though.  As fate would have it - he called me out on this a few days ago, including some re-alignment for me, and the start of a discussion about it in general.   

As far as things he has required that leave me just flat - the 'no scratching in his presence, ever' thing is absolutely like that.  I itch - i do have bad skin, and i have, in the past, scratched my skin raw - so i know (partly) where he's coming from.  But there is nothing about this rule that i am able to find sexy, fun, kinky, happy, or controlling in that really good way.  I haven't even been able to feel it as his caring for me or a sacrifice i'm making just because he wants it so i like it because of that.  Nope - it's just silly and stupid and mean.   
  1. Thanks mouse for the questions.  i think there will be more than one conversation between him and me about some of this.  
I have questions from PetalsMJ and Sir J still - I will get to those soon.  

Friday, March 14, 2014

sofia's excellent questions

  1. Sofia (at inlovingsubmission) asked: 
  2. 1. What is your favorite part of D/s? Least favorite?
My favorite part of D/s, or of our relationship now, is the whole thing.  I know that sounds like a cop out, but our relationship is closer, stronger, more connected, more open (with each other) and more intimate than ever before.  For me - that comes from being allowed to, being required to be honest with myself and open and honest with him.  That has been far harder for me than any other expectations.  

I think that intensity and connectedness come at a price though; when it wanes or hits the usual low points in the cycles of life, it feels devastating, terrifying.  Through the highs and even the level periods, i wouldn't trade this.  During the lows though i have a very difficult time believing it's worth the price.  

  1. 2. If you could plan a kinky evening (no kids, no interruptions, and he's in the mood) what would it include?
We had an unexpected opportunity to have 24 straight hours to ourselves recently.  We finally used a certificate for a night at an Inn that we had won but figured we would never really have the chance to use.  We indulged in room service and a bottle of wine for dinner, in bed, fire in the fireplace - the whole cliche.  He got to indulge his (previously unbeknownst to me) taste for having me in thigh highs and nothing else.  We talked, and talked, and talked - we needed that so badly, to be able to be intimate on every level.  To re-connect.  To have time to get past the 'i have to rush to have this necessary conversation because we have to be constantly moving along...'  

Later there were cuffs, and clothespins (his most recent fixation), lots of them - he likes the little patterns of red marks all over the next day.  And the crop (love) and the heavy wood paddle (struggle to accept) and the cane, and maybe more- and a vibrator, and several orgasms each.  It was lovely, floaty, not deep-space or pushing limits, but a very much needed reestablishment and re-connection.  
I know that the dinner in bed at the Inn isn't a kinky evening - it's not even something i would have said i would go out of my way to do.  But it was perfect to allow us to relax, focus on just each other, play along with the cliche and know that we are free to explore whatever we want and take our time with it.  That aspect is part of my perfect kinky evening.  Being able to take our time with it, not need to watch a clock because we have to go somewhere, or kids are coming home, etc.  

We used to sometimes play harder.  And i miss that.  I think - for me - i have to be connected and focused for it to work - so the stuff above has to happen too, often enough for me to feel, really feel the submission to him, not just meet the obligations.  But (another) perfect kinky evening would be harder play, on a spanking bench, or not-quite-suspended from the hook in the ceiling in the basement, or laid out on the table in the basement... It would involve pain and invasion and enduring. The particulars aren't important - it's the fact of needing to work hard to give him whatever he's asking for.  

  1. 3. What is your least favorite thing about D/s?     Absolutely the crashes that happen from time to time, the feeling of being disconnected from him.
  2. 4. What does he most appreciate about your kink? (Or what do you think he most appreciates?) What do you most appreciate about him?
  3. I think his first answer (with a bit if a grin) would be related to 'any hole, any time, any way I want..."  I think if pushed for a more serious answer (not to discount the real importance of the former), he would also talk about the connectedness and intimacy of our relationship now (he wouldn't likely use those words though).  I think he most appreciates that i am open - in every way - to him now, most often i want to be, and when it's more difficult, he can expect it anyhow.  
  4. I most appreciate that he was willing to explore all this when i asked - that was a huge risk for me.  And over time, as much as it thwarts me and drives me nuts, i am grateful that he does things exactly the way he wants.   

these made me think - so thank you Sofia

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

For Jz - a glimpse into the vanilla side of me

Jz asked:

What movie do you pull out when you're brain-dead and just want something to make you smile?

I'm funny about movies - there are whole classes of movies i won't watch - they are too over whelming for me: i'm not good at watching human tragedy and especially not human cruelty. That's probably why i lean towards sci-fi and fantasy - not real, not necessarily even human.   Recently when i'm brain dead, i've found any of the X-Men or Thor distracting enough - cuz - you know - sci-fi, adventure, and Wolverine and Thor :)

If you could hire out one domestic chore, what would it be?

I'm completely spoiled.  At the risk of blowing whatever anyone's image of my husband may be, he grocery shops for me/for us.  I plan the meals each week and make a detailed list - but he will do the shopping.  I hate that one and he doesn't so much.  That changes a little in the summer - I like the farmers' market and my CSA.  Beyond that - i hate vacuuming - too noisy - not a big fan of noise.

Favorite thing to shop for?

This ones easy - plants.  I love plant exchanges.  Our local nature center has a homegrowns sale in the spring as a fundraiser.  And just generally i could spend days in plant stores, nurseries, even those huge garden centers.  I peruse catalogs through the winter.  Sadly - our yard here is tiny, though i'm slowly replacing the grass with gardens.

Wood, stone, or fabric?

I really have to choose?  I love texture, probably the way some people love color.  And i love natural, organic textures and objects and surfaces, and, and, and...  But, i'm also not a 'stuff' person.  Our house, my decorating isn't contemporary, it's about as traditional as it gets, but the 'stuff' is more minimal.  That said - i love textiles: rugs, linens, blankets, cloth...  We've been lucky enough to have traveled to some amazing places and that is what i seek out locally.

Thanks JZ.  

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

answers for lil and bleuame: how have I or how have we changed

lil asked, "Mine is, how do you feel ttwd has changed you as a person?"  and bleuame added, "Question--kind of in line with Lil's: How has ttwd changed you both, as people? Do you think there is a going back place? Do you think it is possible to take this all off the table (so to speak)?"

My focus and concentration have completely abandoned me the past few days - i have no idea why and if i could focus for more than 30 seconds I would be very upset about it - i sort of need to use my brain most days.  But I'm going to try this - maybe forcing myself to do the hard one will force some focus back - fake it til you make it.....

One of the unsurprising ways this has all changed me has to do with sex - not just that we have more of it or more flavors - but that i have learned to be involved emotionally and not just physically in the whole world of sex.  I had shut off, or maybe never connected, the emotional aspects of sex long before I ever had sex of my own choosing.  I didn't know that's what i was doing - but now i see why it never felt like all it seemed like it should.  that has been a huge difference for me and for us.  

Also - and related to sex - I grew up with a twisted framework for sex in general - but i also grew up with a very, very narrow world view.  I wasn't raised in a bigoted environment, though i could see it in areas just outside of our family, it was just very bland and narrow.  TTWD has helped me see not just the lots more world that is out there, but to see the many facets to people and ways of being that i wouldn't have grasped or tried to see previously.  

I feel like i should say that being submissive has either caused conflict with my work self, or enhanced and given me greater confidence in that realm.  Neither is exactly true in the straightforward way.  But learning about my submissive side has allowed me to recognize those traits and tendencies which has allowed me to be more intentional about  expressing or choosing not to express them - at work and in the larger world.  It has allowed me to see where some of my internal conflict and discomfort comes from and either change what I'm doing or at least accept that it is going to be there.  

There are so, so many ways in which ttwd has been good for the Us - for our marriage.  That's too much to talk about - but one example of the much better communication and closer relationship is that I know that my husband wants me to succeed in my profession - beyond lip service or just 'supporting' me - his pride in what i do pushes me to be and do more.  

 I am very curious and hopeful that my husband will be willing to talk with me about whether or not he feels like he has been changed as a person.  I do think he is more confident in his role as a husband - he never did fumble around or look to me to see how he should conduct himself as a husband, but i think he found me and marriage exasperating at times.  When i got to be truly too much, his answer was to walk away.   I feel like he is more confident to go with his instincts and communicate his expectations than before.  By the same token, he has learned to see me and hear me much more effectively than ever before.  My being emotional was what would exasperate him the most, and he cuts through that now and can stay to figure out what is really going on.  I have no idea if he feels like he has changed in his way of dealing with anything outside of us though.

As to going back - i don't think there would be any way to take out many of the ways we now relate to each other, although i expect the form and appearance and details of our dynamic will evolve.    One of my biggest fears in asking him to consider D/s and ultimately M/s was that if we ever needed to or decided to go back, our relationship wouldn't be able to withstand the resentment and hard feelings or loss.  I truly believe we are past the point that it would be a going backwards - whatever comes would be moving forward on out path.  

Thank you both for these questions, these were good things for me to think about a little bit harder.

Friday, March 7, 2014

answers for mc kitten: our rituals my rules

My biggest rule or ritual has been in place since well before we were married.   I still don't know how he managed it because there was no part of me that would have considered the thought of submitting; we even  cut the word obey out of our wedding vows.  But i have never been allowed to wear clothes to bed with him, and for some reason, i went along with that all along.

Bedtime is our biggest ritual now, i must stand naked and ask permission to get into bed with him.  I'm not allowed to touch the bed or my body.  He sometimes inspects, sometimes tweaks or pinches, sometimes drills me on things i may have lapsed on, sometimes just makes me wait (our bedroom is damn cold in the winter)....   Often he's very light and even silly,  sometimes he torments me, sometimes he's exhausted and mumbles permission without rolling over, sometimes it's when he has my attention and uses it to make a point.

He canes me each day that he is home, the number of strikes equal to the date of the month, and cumulatively/retroactively for any days he was out of town (which he is most weeks).  I must, if he hasn't initiated it, ask him to do this. Early in the month it just feels silly - what do you do with 2 strikes of the cane? When he's out of town 3 days at the end of the month - the first day back makes a big impression.  Either way - it does reinforce all the things it needs to.

When he is out of town he leaves a t-shirt for me to wear to bed - one he has worn the day or two prior.  And he sometimes ties a leather strap around my leg while he's gone - for me to wear til he gets back.

I wear a necklace that no one would ever guess is a collar, but i'm not to take it off except to swim.

Then there are rituals that might actually be rules  - not sure: I make coffee for him each morning - or the night before if he's leaving very, very early the next day; I am to shave every other day he is in town and  always the day he comes home; i need to ask permission to play with myself when he's gone (and not play with myself at all when he's around); and i'm not allowed to scratch if i have an itch (dry skin itch -not that kind of itch) in his presence - this one is very hard for me - i have very dry, very irritable skin.

Those are the biggest - not a lot, but i'm very happy to have them.   There are probably other things that have become habit so don't really serve as rituals.

There are things that i think i would like, want, find comforting and grounding, that he has no interest in or does only occasionally: being plugged just because,  being told to wear cuffs or (leather) collar to sleep, but he only does those occasionally.  I like the feeling of sitting on the floor at his feet, he allows it but it doesn't do anything for him, it doesn't please him so there is no reason for me to do it.

In my silly little brain - there are many more things i often wish he would want - they change in my head with the wind and in the end - if he doesn't want them, if they don't serve any purpose for him - they are just silly and useless.

thank you for asking

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Just when you think you know someone......

We don't watch or peruse porn together - or at least we very rarely do.  I send him images i find especially intriguing - every once in awhile.  I honestly have no idea how much he looks at or what he looks at or even if he looks at....

For some reason though that evening he wanted me to run through tumblers i like as he watched me watch them.  That was, in itself, new, different, and awfully uncomfortable for me.

He made occasional comments, and asked for my thoughts a few times, upping the uncomfortable by a few factors.

He let me know of some things that just do absolutely nothing for him - some of them got a huge inward 'Thank God' from me, others left a little disappointed space in my mind.  Bluntly put - i sometimes - ok - maybe too often - worry and fret that i am too kinky or too much for him - it's a dangerous and unfruitful path for me to go down mentally -

But he did plant one seed - one which took me completely by surprise.

I mean - i really would have guessed he had no interest whatsoever - completely by surprise.... to the point that i've considered it may have been said just for the drawn out mind fuck of it..... which would also be new, different and completely surprising.

On a different note - and in keeping with the theme - I've never had anyone ask me a question here - but i love reading the questions and answers all around elsewhere and i'm willing to jump in also.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

I do have writer's block in a huge way - or maybe writer's ennui.

I'm still here and still trying to write because he has asked me to.  Not ordered or demanded - but he seems to know just when i'm ready to give it up and he tells me he appreciates having this kind of look into my head and that he hopes i continue.  And that is reason enough for me to keep trying.

I have disappointed him, and myself too, recently.  I want to make it all complicated and complex - but it's not.

I want the excitement back - the newness, the nerves, the flutter in my belly, the insane wanting, the arousal so strong it makes my skin crawl.  I want to be completely caged in his control and leashed to his side - preferably literally and metaphorically.  I want him to crawl into my head and take over - i want nothing but flitty butterflys and daises and maybe a stray unicorn to pass through my brain.  I would like to play all day - hard, soft, all the toys, all my fantasies, beyond all my fantasies, maybe afterwards some cuddles and sleep wrapped up in him, and some chocolate - all day, nothing else please, if i could.

I would also like my 17 year old body back, second chances at any of the bigger mistakes i've made in my life, winter to end exactly when i want it to, and maybe world peace as well.

So - yea - that's where I am......

I think the phrase you're looking for is, "Suck it up, buttercup."