Tuesday, April 28, 2015


Mouse describes it sooooo nicely - and makes it sound soooo lovely

I want that feeling, want it back that is.

He wants me that way.  And who wouldn't?

He really likes it when i'm softer, pliable, contented, attentive, warm, quiet, agreeable, needy in a good way.  I'm much nicer to be around when i'm focused on him, looking for ways to please him, when i really want him, am completely open and actively trying to seduce him.

I like me and i love us when i have all soft edges and, whether literally or figuratively, am bowed and small and all tucked up in him.

I especially love (and so does he of course) when that feeling, that flow between us, can be sustained over time and carries us through our days and nights.  When it's there and solid, I can go off into the world and do the things i need to do with confidence and competence, i can focus on the difficult things at home and outside of our home, i can make clearer and more reasoned and compassionate decisions, i am in the zone and on top of my game.

Right now that feeling, that flow is gone.  I'm edgy and hard and busy and stressed and kind of unpleasant.  My skin is jumpy and my attention is in overdrive.  There are reasons.  We are both finding our way out of the hard places.  This is bigger than just "snap out of it."

This is the heart of active submission for me: not the little extras i can do for him to please him when things are good, but working and fighting to open myself to him.  He can be strict or demanding or lenient or loving, he can cuddle me or beat me or give me orgasms galore, but none of it will impact me unless i can find a way to let it.

Monday, April 20, 2015

why - sometimes

Why do i sometimes handle things so differently?  A few days ago, 4 months worth of accumulated caning left me with serious welts and bruises afterwards, but i was off flying and loving it from almost the first stroke.  Yesterday i couldn't manage two days worth - i was crying and fighting and tense and ended up angry more than anything else.

And why do my desires not match my responses?  Recently, inside my head i want to surrender more, to have greater expectations, a tighter leash, more discipline.  It's a craving i can feel in my skin.  In reality i am less and less submissive in actions and demeanor. His requests just make me jumpy and prickly.  I'm off more and more just unto myself, managing on my own.    

I don't like it when this becomes something larger and more and more powerful - but only in my head - as the reality becomes weaker and further away and it is all very much less real.  Why does it do that sometimes?

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

little things that are really big

On what he finds attractive in a woman:
At a formal-ish shin-dig he pointed out a woman - she was tall, statuesque, of a certain age, not particularly fit, not a classic beauty, she was wearing a bright orange dress, fairly clingy, cut up to here and down to there.... but she exuded confidence, not arrogance or obnoxiousness, she was just clearly very comfortable in her own skin.  That is what i find attractive in a woman - that kind of confidence.

On my being one more responsibility, one more thing in his life he has to take care of:
Especially when things are not so great with our son, who has to fight his own battles at this point in his life, and his job where he has way more responsibility than he does power, and life in general where no one really has actual control of much beyond themselves.... I need to have one person, one thing that i can help, who listens and lets me take care of, where i have some control of how things go.

Thursday, April 9, 2015


(part deux)

This took longer than I expected - I rarely get sick but something knocked me on my ass this past week - today i can breathe again - it's amazing how that can feel....  

So - sofia's and nilla's answers.....  Thank you both.  These made me look at some things about myself.

1. What’s the funniest thing that’s happened to you involving TTWD? 
I can't think of one big thing - but we are very comfortable with each other - so we laugh at the small stuff instead of pretending it doesn't happen:  we have one clip/carabiner that magically, randomly undoes itself so my had or foot finds itself suddenly free; the butt plug that wasn't where he left it when we finished; the kids pulling in the driveway as we are both just about THERE; one of the boys asking, "what was that clapping sound coming from your room last night?"

2.  Who is your role model or hero?  (In the lifestyle or not.)  So - this is not meant as a cop out - but i really don't find myself looking at one person as a role model.  IRL i tend to see people do things or approach things in ways that i admire and i try to incorporate that, if i really believe it is a better way of doing whatever it is - from parenting to my job to just life stuff.  I did spend a good bit of time looking for role models or at least any kind of models for the lifestyle.  But i don't find other models of people who are exactly like us - which is the reason i don't look for overall role models irl - so it dawned on me that it's not a good approach for me in this lifestyle either.  I've consciously tried instead to move to taking the approaches or attitudes and small pieces i admire and think would be useful for me, and trying to apply those.

3.  What’s your favorite kink activity?  Whatever he wants!  That's the right answer, right?  I miss the caning every day.  But i kind of hope i haven't discovered my favorite yet - not because i don't love all the things so far - but because i still love trying new things, and there is so much more out there that intrigues me, in a slightly fearful, but very tingly way.

4.  If you were granted one personal wish, what would it be? To be able to really, really know what my kids need from me.

5.  What is your greatest strength – the quality you value most about yourself?  Sofia - you ask really tough questions.  They look so innocent - but wow....  Problems solving i guess - the ability to look at the whole picture and see possible solutions - in all kinds of contexts.  I'm not creative in the usual sense, but in seeing solutions to problems i can be.

6.  If you could give one thing to your Dom/Master (or to your slave, if you’re the Dom) what would it be?  Some peace of mind - from my POV, he takes on so much responsibility.  He says that is what he needs to do, who he needs to be.  Others have explained to me that this is how some people thrive best.  It is hard for me to see though.  I need to be doing, moving, working.  I'm not lazy.  But the weight of all the stuff - it would weigh on me.  My urge is to want to relieve that from him.

7.  What’s the most important thing to you about TTWD?  The way it binds us and makes Us stronger.

1. How did you get into reading, then writing, erotica?  HA!  I read - I don't/can't write erotica.  I fell into reading erotica late in life.  The standard bodice rippers never did a thing for me.  When i discovered that people do all these crazy things, that turn me on like never before, i discovered them because people also write about them, and publish them, right there on the internet for naive souls like me to discover!  Talk about life changing.  So thank you to all you writers - you front and center among them nilla - thank you.

2. What do you get out of blogging?  Connections with people, ideas, perspectives, challenges to my perspectives, friends, clarity of thought, more questions, a way to communicate to my husband...

3. What are your favorite things to do/to be done to you by your partner?  I love whatever it is in the moment that gives him that look - the look of being lost on the edge of his own rabbit hole, of his desire and his need, not sexual so much as the sadistic and hungry and all about him.

4. If you had the choice to live 24/7 D/s dynamic (assuming one isn’t at this point)…would you? Do you feel it’s a realistic way to live in this day and age?  We do.  But i don't believe 24/7 necessarily looks like what people think it looks like, or at least what it looks like on the internet.  It is good for us - and i'm at peace with the fact that it looks more like real life than a work of fantasy - though i would love more of the fantasy version - but, that's life.

5. What scares you about D/s?  What happens if we stop - for whatever reason, how do we go back, what do we do with the feelings, the needs we've allowed ourselves to cultivate?

6. Multiple partners and experiences in a scene–is this a fantasy or something too scary to contemplate–and why?  Definitely a fantasy - a strong one.  Bottoming - in the purely sexual sense of it - is all about experiencing: the sensations, the emotions, the edge of fear, the loss of control over what will be done and what impact it will have.  Having more than one person at a time doing that to me, and by definition someone i don't know and can't read or predict at all, just compounds that.  This one is likely a safe and effective fantasy precisely because i know it is only a fantasy.  

7. If you could fuck anyone, who would it be? (bonus—would you be the Top or the bottom of the scene?)   Easy part first -- definitely the bottom.  I've heard the argument that it is the natural growth and maturation to go from bottoming to topping.  I've no desire to top - so either i'm stunted and immature, or the argument is wrong - i choose to believe the latter.

Harder part - mostly because my husband does read here and i've never asked him how he feels about it at all.....  There is no specific person/celebrity/character in my fantasies - ever.  But there has been, since i fell down this particular rabbit hole, a nebulous, all knowing, "him."  It's a grass-is-greener thing: we both have been and are learning this whole thing together; at times, i've built fantasies around a person who already knows all about kink, and all about D/s, and all about himself, and all about me.  So that i wouldn't have to do the work of processing and discussing and learning; i could just sit back and enjoy the ride.  It goes along with the fantasy of having infinite privacy, and all the time in the world.  I know damn well that we not only have to do the work, but that the work is why we can be what and who we are.  I know this.  And i'm grateful we have and do.  But sometimes the fantasy of no interruptions, forever and a day available, and a top who is expert with every imaginable toy, knows every trick in the book, and can play me perfectly - - - well, that's why they're called fantasies.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015


And the 7 questions

1)  You win £5,000 what do you spend it on, nothing boring like bills etc...for yourself, both, home etc?

So - that's about $7400. Totally free money?   And all my bills are paid (including kids' college)....?   I think i would hire a personal shopper and revamp my wardrobe.  I have no skill whatsoever in clothes, style, fashion.... And i am not exactly a runway model size, and i have impossible proportions.  It would be like a gift for both of us actually - i hate packing for trips, dawdle in the mornings and get cranky when we go out somewhere nice - all because i have to choose clothes.

2)  Your significant other, gives you the option of doing something kink wise, for one night, your choice, whatever you like, free reign..what you going to do?

As little time and privacy as we've had lately, i should say that anything at all would be lovely.  But - those constraints will end eventually and this is a fantasy anyhow.  I think i would like to go to a public event.  I think i would love to see other people interacting, not even just playing, but simply interacting.  Since it's a fantasy, maybe i would lose my self-consciousness and join in.

3)  Breakfast in bed, chilling together or a night out at your favourite restaurant?

You can all snicker, but one of the best parts of our honeymoon was breakfasts.  It was a tiny little room with a tiny balcony in a tiny little  hotel overlooking the port city.  Every morning a tray arrived with a pot of strong coffee and rolls and fruit. We would open the doors, listen to the city waking up and lay around planning our day.  Best way to do breakfast in bed EVER.  Can i do that for my choice?

4)  Whats the last music album you bought/downloaded?

Hmm - i really haven't.  I have two teenage sons who have vastly different tastes in music from each other, and a husband who likes to have background noise - music, radio, news.  There is enough music and other noise going on that, when i have the choice, i choose quiet.  That may change as they move on to college, but for now, i choose quiet.

5)  What advice would you give your 18 year old self looking back, knowing what you do know now, about anything...you choose?

To make relationship (romantic and otherwise) choices intentionally and then to be true to my choices.  Too often i just let things happen with people who were important to me (friends, family, and romances) without looking at what i was doing or putting in any effort or really making, or breaking, any connection.  I'm sure there are an awful lot of things in did at 18 that i should want to go back and change or see differently, but people are important and i didn't act that way often enough.

6)  New shoes or a new dress? why that choice?....no you cant have both lol

See above about no fashion sense, impossible body (dresses especially are NOT made for my proportions)... So shoes are an easy choice.  I have very average, very easy to fit feet and i kinda like shoes anyhow.

7)  Do you have any rules/expectations you wish you didnt have or are there rules/expectations you dont have but would like?

Left to myself - i would absolutely not shave so often.  Since it's the only real expectation he has about my appearance though, i wouldn't wish to get rid of it.  So probably no to the first part of the question.  Sometimes i wish he would lay out expectations for every facet of my life - the thinking being that i would then stop struggling and suddenly be perfect in every way.  Clearly i'm not too bright in my fantasy life - so probably no to the second part as well.

So - 7 questions from me:
1 - If you were going to create a blog award, what would it be called or be about?

2 - How would you describe your style of decorating.

3 - If you could have your dream job/occupation, what would it be?

4 - Are there any people in your (vanilla) life who you think might actually be kinky, or who you look at and think "no way, but, yet, maybe..."

5 -  Where would you put yourself (the sum total of your relationship) on a spectrum from incredibly stern and rigid to teasing and lighthearted?

6 - If you had a fairly close friend with whom you really could discuss these types of things, do you think you would still blog?

7 - If you had more time (in your day, in your week, in your life) what would you do differently?

I'm going to nominate the people who nominated me, tori and sofia (answers to come shortly) because i like their blogs and i like conversations that go back and forth.  And also Jz though she hates that.  And lil though i get the impression she's buried, so really -  whenever is good.  No obligations to think up new or any questions though - i do see how this could be never ending...

People fascinate me.  And i have pretty limited time to do this blogging thing.  I would love to read far and wide, but i just can't seem to make it fit.  i would love to nominate all the blogs i do keep up with, but that, sadly, doesn't fit either.