Sunday, September 27, 2009


Some time ago, on Jz's blog, she mused about play (in the BDSM sense) and playfulness, how it figures in people's lives, and whether this is a need or a want. She was, I think, following a train of thought started by Vesta, so there is some interest out there in this seemingly very un-serious subject. At the time, I think I came down on the side of feeling like play was a want, not a need.

More recently, I was listening to a radio show about play, but of a much more generic nature. The interviewee was the head of the National Institiute for Play. Who knew such a thing existed? Turns out that there is evidence that play is in fact a need, and not just among children. He cited research into the benefits of play in adulthood: beyond providing joy, relaxation, etc., play also enhances, among other things, adaptability, problem solving skills, intellectual flexibility, empathy, and a sense of irony. All of these seem like good things to me, well - I love irony, but I'm not quite clear on why it may be important. But it turns out that play is good for you.

I'm kinda new to the particular variety of play of which Jz had been speaking, but the NIFPlay talks about 7 types of play and all 7 seem to fit. "Attunement play" involves things people do to get "in tune" with each other; "body play and movement", "object play", and "imaginative and pretend play" probably don't need an explanation; "social play" involves something called 'rough and tumble play'... nuff said; "storytelling-narrative play" is what so many do so well here on these internet 'pages'; and "transformative-integrative and creative play" is that which takes it all to a whole new plane.

So, eat your veggies, take your vitamins, and play - it's good for you!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

What you said today - you thanked me for going along with you when you woke me up at 3 am (something about that hour): I really, really love that you assume and just take. It seems so up-side-down, but there it is.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


I should probably explain a little bit about myself and why I’m here; to me it’s a very strange thing, to anyone who may find their way here, it probably isn’t at all.

For the past many years of my marriage I had been not so interested in sex. I said no – an awfully lot. I knew that this was terribly unfair to my husband and I tried over the years to change, but couldn’t. Last spring I decided to try just not refusing at all, but I wasn’t completely able to do that. So I texted my husband (couldn’t do it out loud) and told him I wanted him to not allow me to refuse him – at all. The change was instantaneous, like someone flipped a switch. I’m sure a lot of people will shake their heads - of course, duh! But I had no idea what was going on.

So I went exploring and reading and researching. And we are trying to figure out what to make of all this and where to go with it. I’m still kind of shy to talk about the sex part – but we are both enjoying that exploration. It’s the potential changes to the rest of our relationship that I (we) are thinking about and considering. A lot of these posts are directed to my husband because he’s the one who really needs to know what I ‘m thinking. I’m pretty sure other people have wrestled with some of the same questions though, so I guess I hope that people will offer their insights when possible, and hopefully my understanding will evolve.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

need more boxes

I'm having trouble with the boxes again today. Last time - writing things down did allow me to at least feel like I wouldn't lose the trains of thought, and I was able to move on to what I needed to do. I'm hoping that will continue to work. The trains today are a lot more like dragonflies darting around than trains however.

I appreciate your agreeing to read some about these things. It's interesting that I have been obsessively reading what I can online, and giving it all a lot of thought. But I am not in any hurry to have you pass on to me whatever you are reading. This surprises me actually. Something is different because the real (previous) me would have insisted that we work on this together, with the same information, etc. The only reason I can think of for this is that I really don't want to drive your thoughts or ideas about all of this. I seem to have dragged us into this, but if we decide (together) to pursue any aspects of it, we need to have each reached that point on our own. And, this is the part that i find really weird, I don't think i want to know your "secrets." In the little bit that we have done, I have loved being surprised by what you have come up with.

I am trying very hard to slow down, realize that there is no deadline or rush. Partly it's working.

I am leery (that's actually not a strong enough word) of becoming a burden to you. You have so much to deal with right now as it is.

There is a mental struggle i go through: there is no one to judge what or how we do any of this as right or wrong - it is our relationship. As someone put something to me, in a different situation - the end result is partly the main effect of you and partly the main effect of me but mostly the interaction effect of the two of us. On the other hand, this is not a way of relating to one another that either of us would have dreamed of without having stumbled upon a body of literature for it, so to speak. So I do think that there is some value in learning about it. The question is how? How much?

I guess that's enough dragonflies for now.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

I feel like I need to write this down. I’ve never felt the urge to put my feeling down on paper, never kept a diary and always hated any assignments that were remotely like journaling. But right now I can’t stop the swirling in my head – I hope that writing it down will help me “put things into boxes” like you said. I have always admired your ability to compartmentalize and then juggle everything going on in your life. I have never been able to force my brain to move away from whatever path it felt like taking. Fortunately, it usually went somewhere useful, but not always and I just don’t have a mechanism for putting certain thoughts aside and shifting focus. This may take a lot of boxes.
Since I don’t know what has caused the wonderful changes in our relationship, I am afraid of what will happen if I shift my focus away from that. It fees so fragile and tenuous and new – and I really do not want to lose it. Since I don’t know why it started in the first place, I don’t know what it would take to kill it.
You are absolutely right about my dissertation – 2 months is not long at all and I have so much yet to do. I remember being quite focused before my proposal and prelims – but I’m not this time, and I absolutely need to make that everything between now and then. I am glad for your help – you’ve been so patient and encouraging through this process – it is time to be done.
I mentioned to someone a few days ago that I was very happy and excited and instead of taking baby steps, I wanted to run. I think I knew at the time that I was in the flats and that there were hills looming. And now I’m at the bottom of a huge one, with a headwind. Quite frankly – I’m scared. I know that if the hill is big enough – I need to walk. But I am very subdued and anxious about making any progress, or just turning around and quitting.
The biggest things I’m struggling to come to terms with:
Is this thing even real? Neither of us can even bring ourselves to say the words dominant or submissive. I remember when I got my first job and lived on my own – for sometime it didn’t seem real, like I was playacting. When we first got married, it took some time till I didn’t feel like we were just playing house. And growing up, working, getting married – those are expected activities with lots of examples around of other people doing them. There isn’t a single real world example of this for us to see, only virtual, online, or in books. So much of it really, really resonates with me. The few things we have done have seemed to fit us each awfully well. But I, at least, tend to lose myself in fiction, what if this is just an extended case of the same thing?
I’m still trying hard to accept that you are not just faking it or doing it for me to humor me. I know you’ll get tired of doing it, but re-assuring me helps. This is one of those things where I can’t make my brain do what I want it to.
I am really, really struggling with is it ok for me to let you be in any way responsible for or even involved at all in my actions or lack of. It feels very lazy, childish, like I can’t manage my own self - but on the other hand – it feels good. I have never doubted that you care for me – but this is a deeper feeling. But is it right? Isn’t it just irresponsible?
I’ve never really let you into my head – and vice versa I think – our hearts absolutely – but not our heads. This terrifies me. This also feels lazy, incompetent – to have someone else need to go so far as to help guide my mental processes. You are right about the issues of my family and school – I do shut you out and you should insist that I talk to you about those things. It’s not fair to you for me to be upset and not let you know what’s going on.
This is a lot of work for you. For both of us, yes. But it seems like a lot for you.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

I have a million thoughts in my head right now.

You asked me to write about what i want and what i want to try and what I want you to read, etc....

I will add a list of things I would like to try, at least I think I do - hard to know what I will really like. I have put a list of the blogs that are (to me) worth looking at - some for thinking about this kind of dynamic some are just plain good erotic reading.

What I really want though - is to know what you want.

This whole thing - looking from the outside - is terribly weird looking: it looks either like gaming/Dungeons and Dragons or something like that - or like ultra right wing "because the bible says so." I don't have much stomach for either - although I realize I have more ability to work around the gaming/fantasy thing than you do.

But I see this as a way we can modify the dynamic of our relationship (too new age?? too psycho babble??) For me it boils down to - in our sex life - I was in charge simply because i said no all the time and you respected that, and that was wrong and I knew it but had no idea what to do about it. Giving you that decision making power was indeed the cure.

There are a lot of other small areas where i feel like you have acquiesced over the years simply to avoid conflict. Not big issues, but a lot of small things. At this point - I really just want to know what you want - what your preference is. I'm sure that there are things for which you truly have no preference, or not enough to bother thinking about it. Sometimes i think you do - it would probably be easier for me to believe you when you say you truly don't care if in some areas you did. And - believe it or not - and all evidence to the contrary - I like (occsionally) being able to make you happy - which is easier to accomplish if you actually care about something one way or the other in the first place. Or even just for you to say - I think i might like this -so could we/you try it and I'll see.

This all applies to sex - but outside of that too. I am certainly not looking to abdicate responsibility - or shift more burden to you. I am not going to turn into a blonde bimbo unable to make a decision or function on my own and I don't think you are ultimately responsible for my successes or failures - any more than I am for yours. So - no - I'm not exactly sure what I do mean for it to be - maybe it really should stay only in the bedroom (or basement/3rd floor) but maybe there are other areas where you would like/would find it easier/would maybe even enjoy having me go along with your decisions or sugesstions.

So i get the impression that you would really rather not discuss any of this any further - that you would be happy to just go with how things are going. The problem is that I'm not - I think I have gone as far as i really can or want to with reading and researching for now and I would like to start doing something. So even if it is nothing more than us talking about it - even if just for you to say that it's ridiculous, no way, too much work, too silly, we're too busy, whatever. But I do think that if it is just left hanging - I will be resentful, and that will undermine any of the goodness that has happened.

I guess ultimately iwhat i really want right now is to know if YOU want to explore this all in any depth, or if you would just as soon not really but you will because I seem to want to, or you feel like you would really rather not at all.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

i woke up again at 3 this morning and couldn't fall back asleep
i lay there thinking about you - imaginging/remembering your hands on me
your hands feeling me, making me feel,
moving my body to where and how you want it
i ached to have you there and not imagined

this is something very new
previously i cringed at the thought of what you must feel touching me
so i never really experienced the feel of you on me
and i dont think you felt right to take command of my body

i never had this kind of aching before
now i can't imagine going back
i think you feel the right of it now
i hope it is pleasing for you
i hope it becomes part of you