Tuesday, October 20, 2015

from the files of OH HELL NO!

Lots of things leave me thinking there's no way in hell i could ever.... big, loud, harsh, over the top....easy to shrug off  cuz they will never happen.....

This one is quiet, simplisitic, minimalistic, and still so very FUCK NO!   But i can't seem to look away, or get the visual or my visceral response out of my head....

[Warning - you really can't un-see it]

Sunday, October 18, 2015

not so hard...should maybe be harder...sometimes i just want it harder...

Ancilla_ksst wrote about something that is hard for her.  This particular thing would be very, very hard for me.  Impossible i think if i'm honest.  But that isn't the point.  It is hard for her, but clearly not impossible.  They have done the work, set the stage, built the trust and the submission/slavery, all the necessary things to get there.  What "it" is isn't the point here.

It's the hard that is the point.

There are times that many of the bits and pieces of real life are hard - exhausting, gut-wrenching, defeating, overwhelming, and more.  I couldn't take anything more on top of all that sometimes, and he wouldn't add more - and shouldn't for his own sake really - he's right here in all the hard parts with me, his focus needs to be where it needs to be as well.

But there is something about this dynamic that needs the hard also, however that looks for the individuals - pushing limits mentally, emotionally, physically, service, humiliation, pain, whatever it is....  always easy isn't always best.

I love pleasing him.  In some ways, the simple things are what he wants, what pleases him: coffee in the morning, good meals prepared, shaving on schedule, asking to get into bed,  all not hard, although sometimes easy to let slide and easy to forget the real purpose of.  But i don't have the wiring to thrive on just simple, quiet service. I suppose if he asked that of me, it would qualify as hard, it would push my limits, but i don't think that's what he wants, he certainly hasn't been molding me that direction - though i have learned not to assume anything....

So if I'm not a serving girl in the background, and stepford isn't at all what he wants, how do I please him?  And how do i make his life better, easier?

In my mind, I please him by doing things that are hard, by rising to the challenge when he pushes my limits.  By enduring.  By allowing him to explore his desires, his whims, his fantasies.  By being open to him mentally, emotionally and physically (less sexy, but most important to him and hardest for me).      

Of course, these have to be things he wants, whatever it is has to have meaning and value to him, it has to serve him or it doesn't meet my need to serve him.  I have had to learn to trust that he truly wants what he asks of me.  He isn't demonstrative about his desires.  I'm the puppy dancing around showing the world what i really want.  He is much more stoic all around.  That is part of the hard for me - the trust and the patience - the non-sexy, non-exciting part of the hard.

You can argue the right or wrong of my having needs - but the fact is - i need to have him ask hard things of me. I need him to push my limits and challenge me - control, pain, bondage, obediance, humiliation, surrender, service.... I need to be able to please him in those ways, to give myself in those ways.  It is what i have to offer, it is the value i can bring him.  But also, these are what light my nerve endings on fire, from my cunt outward. And they bind me to him, bend my knees to him, make my heart thrum for him.  


Tuesday, October 6, 2015


Which was exactly what this past weekend was.  Reconnecting might look different for us than it does for many people though - from both sides of the vanilla/not so vanilla world. But it was perfect for us.

It was 39 degrees and pouring most of the weekend, so the outside, tied to a tree naked and beaten thing didn't happen.  I think my husband decided that, even though he could do it and I would certainly obey, probably no one actually feels aroused when soaked, freezing, and miserable, including him.

We spent Saturday exploring the closest little town, had burgers at a local bar, talked and talked, got to ask and answer and explore each others ideas and wishes for our future, our priorities, our dreams.

Back at the  cabin/getaway we puttered around - with frequent breaks for him to bend me over his lap, over the sofa, just plain over. There was no wine, no flowers, no white tablecloths or fancy dinner, though there was some chocolate.   He got to make rules for me that aren't compatible with our usual life.  We got to try the whole - me serving, waiting, attending in nothing but a collar and heels (or in this case, wool socks). The smile that brought to his face was priceless.  He got access at his whim - no interference by all the usual day-to-day and other people and stuff.  

There was lying together on the sofa in front of the fire, just reveling in time together.  There was fucking on the rug in front of the fire (he liked the traction the wool rug provided, I got a whole new kind of pain to process).  There was hiking in the rain, there was having things shoved up my holes, including his fist, there was leisurely coffee and reading, there was beating and sub space and cumming, there was more lying together....

As the weekend was winding down, the clouds cleared, the wind died down, and it made it into the 50's.  I surprised him by lying naked on the porch bench, soaking up the sun. Not quite what he had wanted, and no mosquitos, but surrounded by trees and the pond, and a dragonfly did land on my boob and hang out at one point.  Finding me there that way brought a huge grin to his face and  I love being able to make him happy like that.  


Thursday, October 1, 2015

little bit nervous

You know how people - ok, maybe not most people, not normal people, not the people you would talk to at work and stuff - but some people - scroll through tumbler and such and get ideas about things they might like to try someday?  *looking around, sincerely hoping this isn't just me*

Well - my husband does that some times - and one of the things that has always caught his attention has been women tied up outdoors.  I mean tied up nekkid and exposed and available for beatings or shenanigans or whatever, tied along a path in the woods waiting for someone to pass by, that kind of thing.

That's all well and good, solidly in the realm of daydreams and fantasy and no chance of reality cuz he's a little bit (very little bit) into exposing me - but nowhere in our day to day lives is there a place or an opportunity for that kind of exposure.

Until there is.

We will be going away, for just the weekend, a quick trip to a place that checks all the boxes: very remote, no one else around, no kids!, lots and lots of trees, probably some rope, and did i mention very remote.


Now i'm nervous.

I'm not scared- i'm nature girl here, i like most of the creatures other girls don't, snakes, bats, lizards... not afraid of critters or bugs (except centipedes - really, really do NOT like those), i can pee in the woods no problem, i'm not squeamish. I am a little concerned that it's hunting season and i don't picture him tying me to a tree nekkid and letting me keep the sexy blaze orange vest.

It's more that i'm worried i won't find the sexy in it, that my head will be stuck in the temperature, the mosquitoes, the poison ivy, the remote chance of someone else wandering by, the hunters... which isn't at all where i think he will want my head to be (maybe the remote chance of someone wandering by, but not the other stuff).

He's almost always able to get me to get my head where he wants it, so we'll see.

And there is this....