Wednesday, August 12, 2015

it's complicated

A friend, to me:  I need to tell you this because i care about you, because i care about your kids...
    I believe it's all your fault.
    I see you together and you don't do it right (parenting, interacting, being with each other).
    He wouldn't be having the troubles he is now if you had done it right all along.
    It's not physiology, it's not chemistry, there's nothing wrong with him at all.
    It's you, you did this to him.

Lots and lots and lots of words to that effect

My husband, to me: she's angry, she's bitter, she can't manage to keep her own life together and it's so much easier to lash out at someone else than to face that

But if she's not wrong.....

Months of recovering from the shock and the trauma, months of working towards understanding and healing and learning how to move forward.... Our understanding of mental illness and mental health... My small flicker of hope closely guarded and tended, but growing...   All destroyed utterly in a few short sentences.

I've been - what - since then - empty, raging at myself, consumed by guilt, hollow, worthless, ashamed, paranoid, unsure

I can't reason through this
What if she is right?
What if I'm one of those people who completely mis-reads everything?  What if I really am that awful?
I can't ignore that possibility if there's a chance i am keeping him from getting healthy

My husband, to me:  why will you not believe me when i tell you she's wrong?  why do you not believe me, why will you not give more weight to what i believe, I've been here, she hasn't, she sees glimpses, i live it, am part of it.  Why do you let her have that power over you?

Why indeed.

Why am i not strong enough to trust him in this, why can't i follow him, or even let him help me.

Honestly, he should have a slave who is good and worthy and who can obey.  That's not really me right now.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

I wish

I wish i had the answers when it comes to raising my kids - or at least some insight as to whether i'm on the right track or not.

I wish i could always be the motivated, active, healthy, strong, fit, busy, accomplishing-things person in real life that i am in my head.

I wish the internal workings and functioning of my mind didn't depend so much on his input to keep humming along smoothly.

I wish we had more time for his input, or he had more energy, or bandwidth, or opportunity, or desire, or inclination, or whatever it is that there isn't as much of now.

I wish i didn't miss it so much.

I  kind of wish i didn't know what i was missing.

I wish i didn't wish for things, I wish i could be content with what is.