Saturday, January 30, 2016

7 year itch

I was chatting with a friend recently.  He is about to move, change jobs, his wife is changing jobs, his oldest is going off to college, and his youngest is decamping with the family to a whole different part of the country.   I commented that I've been at the same thing for almost 7 years now, and that is the longest I've ever really stayed moving one direction; that it feels like time to shake things up, or learn to move forward in the same direction, something, it occurred to me, i've never done before.  

Six years of college, then move and start a career.  A few years of working, dating, having fun, then get married, then move, new job.   Then move again, have kids, re-create my job to fit.  A few more years, totally switch directions careerwise.  A few more years, we all move, new job for me, new place, new directions for the kids.  Now they are finishing high school and looking at college - big changes for them, and for me and for us.

But I've been at the same job for 6 years now.  I love my job.  I have loved what i do all along - the changes were expansions, leaps forward, adventures with the possibilities, not starting over at something else.  I know work isn't a whole life - but it is a part.  In my case it has many frustrations, and I would love to sleep in many mornings, but it adds value, it challenges me, it stimulates me, it fulfills important parts of me.  I want to keep doing this job, but i'm not really experienced at moving forward so long at something without changing directions.  I'm not sure how to keep myself dedicated to this, re-committed and engaged.  I'm worried I will coast and get stale.

Our marriage - it didn't follow a good pattern.  For a long time it didn't expand, leap forward, or hold adventures. It got weary and tired and tangled.  The changes we made were a huge adventure, a giant leap, and an enormous expansion.  But it's been almost 7 years now.  It's stable, and it's good. I like, no - i am so grateful - that i am much less mired in angst and doubt.   But I wonder if I will coast, not be fully engaged without new challenges and directions.  I absolutely don't want to go back to weary and tired and dull.  I do really need to figure out how to move forward without changing directions, to remain committed and engaged and in wonder of it all.

My husband has supported every step i've taken. He has moved along with me, along with us. Some of the moves have been on his behalf, but not all.  He has remained at the same job the entire time. He is absolutely excellent at remaining engaged and challenged.  He sets goals and moves forward constantly and consistently. Shaking up our relationship when we did was a big change. The fact that he was on board was partly a testament to how desperately bad things were.  He has moved forward with this with his characteristic focus and constancy.

Rather than think about my needs and my patterns, and how i have always operated, what I probably should say - what i probably should think - is that I will follow his lead and trust him to have the right answers, that i will learn to do things his way.  What will happen though will be a nod to both our personalities.  He will pay attention to us and keep us moving safely forward.  I will find adventures for us.  I don't plan out or go looking for all the changes, i stumble over them and decide to pick them up and see where they lead.  And he will fold it all into our lives and make it work for both of us.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

why i like being spanked: an assigned topic

He rarely asks me to write about anything specific - this he told me to do....

So many people have written their answers to this.  And thank goodness too - I was not one of those people for whom being spanked played a center-stage if somewhat personally confliciting role in their imaginations for as long as they can remember.  I never imagined being spanked; as a child, when the reality was looming, it was nothing at all to be wanting.  But, as an adult, much later, reading what other people do write struck my imagination.

What others write so eloquently does answer a lot of why I like being spanked.  Maybe that's power of suggestion, maybe operant conditioning, maybe just a common human wiring configuration. But yes - to a lot of the common themes: it makes me wet and turns me on, it focuses my attention, it can clear my mind, it makes me submissive, it reminds me who's in control, it puts me in my place, it centers me and calms me, it debases me, on some incomprehensible level i like the pain and on a completely transparent level i like the attention.  All of these are true, some to different degrees in different contexts and with different types of spanking.  He knows all of these and uses them all to his advantage, which is to my advantage, which is to our advantage.

Most of those are effects though - not why's.  Why do I like being wet and aroused?  Why do i like my attention focused on him and my mind cleared?  Why do I want to be made submissive, or to be debased, or to be calmed and centered.  Why do I like pain or for that matter, his attention?

Well - some seem self evident - wet and aroused are good - especially if he's going to take advantage of them/me.  And if not - well - he likes me that way and i like being able to be that for him and i like that he likes it and anticipation is fun too - for me and also to see him in anticipation of what he wants - it's all good.

Being spanked does focus my attention - but not always completely, and it can sometimes really clear my mind - but also not always.  Some spankings are just not intense enough for these and, unfortunately, the intensity necesssary does seem to be increasing as we go through time.  That worries me because i think he finds that tool and that purpose useful.  I like when my mind can clear because it is a relief, even if a temporary one.  And it allows me to focus on him and to be what he wants without my own voices and self consciousness interfering.

This comes close to why/how it makes me submissive.  Sometimes consciously and sometimes very unintentionally and unconsciously, i fight him.  Spanking me to the point that my mind clears leads to me surrendering and opening to him - physically, metaphorically, metaphysically - take your pick. The debasement and humiliation are part of this.   And that he causes me pain - real pain.  It all puts me in my place and him in his.   Ultimately I want him - I want  his control, i want to be in that place of surrender to him.  [Why i want that and why i want him that way - I really don't understand, nor the thing with the pain...]

All of this though focuses our interactions and brings us together - too much in life distracts and pulls us apart and has us off in our own heads and our own worlds.  This focuses us on each other - in a way that for god only knows what reason - agrees with both of us.  There are millions of ways people interact and come together.  Him spanking me - in all its contexts and flavors, brings me so much closer to him - which is what he wants - which is what i want too.

Monday, January 4, 2016

evil presents, subdrop, evolution, and growing up

His rattan canes are fairly thin and very stingy - all well and good - he really likes them. He likes the lines and welts and hot, red patches.   I tend to like thuddy (i thought) - so i figured that some heavier canes would be a mututally enjoyable christmas present from me to him.  I was so wrong!  I got him two thicker delrin canes. He has only tried the one so far - it takes the caning thing straight to 'i really, really, sincerely don't think i can do this'/panic even when he's going easy.  I don't bruise easily - except now i do.

I've had subdrop before - never extreme and never particularly longlasting.  The other day - kids gone overnight -  we went out after some intense time with a long rope, the aforementioned evil cane, a huge plug, and I'm sure other things i'm forgetting.  I should have thought to eat a little something.  I just couldn't focus, i couldn't follow his conversation, and at dinner i broke down cryng out of the blue. I was mostly non-functional for 24 hours and i just couldn't snap out of it.  If i were him, this might make me think twice about playing again. I hope it doesn't deter him and i hope it's a very rare occurence.

I commented to an online friend the other day that i just wasn't around so much anymore.  He agreed and said he thought it seemed like an evolution of sorts.  He's probably right.  I'm just not sure if it's a good evolution or not so much so.  I (clearly) overthink everything, but more and more I find myself not really able to think about this aspect of me and of our life very deeply.  When i try, my brain just shys away or shuts down.  I've been through all the cycles: angst, fear, contentment, joy....  This one is new.  Maybe it's time to move on to just doing, less thinking.  Maybe it's a holding pattern.  Maybe it's a surrender.  Maybe not.  If I could just focus on it long enough maybe i could figure it out....

What i feel like is that we have grown up: like we've outgrown the wonder and the joy and the carefree and are left with the responsibility and the dull and the day-to-day.  It's an impression.  We were of course responsible all along.  We didn't abandon our family, our jobs, our outside lives.  We added this new, colorful, joyful thing and it added to the joyful, colorful side of real life.  It's been over seven years, seven year itch maybe - or just maturing and transitioning?  Maybe, truly, thinking about it isn't the best course for me.