Saturday, December 21, 2013

New Year

I'm different from most people in some ways, one of which is that i tend to live very much in the now; i don't pine away for the past and i don't wish away my life dreaming about what's to come; i don't live in regret for what's already done and i don't tend to get swallowed up in anxiety or dread about what may happen in the future.

That sounds like such a zen,self-actualized, positive kind of thing.  It's not necessarily.  Sometimes i feel childish or simpleminded, or that my psyche is somehow not quite grown up, like other people have access to more of life because they can live in their pasts and their futures and not just their presents.

Right now especially, i'm wishing i could fast forward.  This year has been a difficult one, the past few months especially.  I am slogging through rather than living and experiencing and participating.  And i know my husband is in his own same boat.  The fact that this comes at a time when the calendar dictates that we ought to be jolly and carefree and full of joy is not a help.

Our dynamic is just that - living, changing, in motion.... And the forces behind its movement are he and I. My force is clearly different from his, but we both impact the whole.  When he and I are low, so is the dynamic, which it is indeed right now.

Another (very un-sexy, un-interesting, un-attractive) trait of me is that i tend to just put my head down and do.  The only way through is through, so i keep slogging.  And so i will.

This year though - uncharacteristically - i am looking forward to the New Year. I know that my un-dramatic, no-nonsense, just do what needs to be done, way of being is not always so bleak.  Most often i ride on top of the waves, thriving on the challenges and the pace.  I'm looking forward to being back there, and i'm looking forward to having some force to give to Us to help move Us along as well.

Saturday, December 14, 2013


I'm fairly outside focused recently - it's necessary - it's the time of year, the time spent out of town with my father's death and funeral and being with my family there, ran right into the cycle my job is in, overlaps with where the kids are in their worlds right now, coincides with the holidays and everything that goes with that -   and my husband is in the same spot - our Venn circles overlapping somewhat, but big areas of our own as well....

So my mind is organized pretty well right now for managing life at home, or i'm trying for that anyhow -  the next few weeks, my job, etc - a little overwhelmed maybe - but getting it under control.

Our relationship becomes a less prominent piece of the puzzle at times like this.  Or - there is just more doing and less thinking about it.  Or less coherent thinking about it.

Which - it occurs to me sounds like ignoring Him or ignoring us - which it is not - this is - I think - exactly where he wants me to be and what  he wants me to be doing - focused on what needs to be done, focused on the family, trying to help move us from time interrupted into the holidays in a sane way.  That is important to him.

Which makes me think about the fact that many of the things that are important to him are not at all sexy, subversive, kinky, or even remotely titillating: good nutrition and  home cooked meals, keeping the family's schedule rolling smoothly, getting in some exercise in the face of cold/snow and routines in flux, a holiday season that is about family and peace and  joy, allowing him the room to do his job and to allow him to help where needed so i can do mine, and the hardest for me - recognizing that his frustration and preoccupation and upset are not at or because of me - to let those roll and neither take them personally nor try to fix them.

Oh - and the really, really hard and not at all fun or interesting expectation -  to be content with his expectations being mundane and not particularly fun or interesting.