his way/our way

We are what you would call extremely low protocol.  The rules and preferences he does have are now so long in place and so ingrained that they don't seem like anything more than just how we do things.  There are huge, vast expanses of areas of interaction that we have just never talked about how he wants it and he hasn't expressed an opinion.  Sometimes i fill in the blanks myself - otherwise known as making assumptions - about how he might or maybe should want things.

He has no rule, for example, about my touching him uninvited.  [Except his nipples - i may almost never touch those, i don't get it either]  Often he makes it clear that i need to keep my hands, mouth, etc to myself - but that is always situational.  Likewise, there is no rule about my not asking for sex, or hinting, or anything like that.   But - i do assume that if he wants it, he will take it, and that i shouldn't ask or initiate or hint or whatever because that is just not done, or is like me taking charge, or it would somehow force him to have sex against his will.... Plus - it just doesn't fit the image - the hard ass Dom keeping the sub at a distance, keeping me in my place.....

The other night he got home from a long trip, dead dog tired, spent a bit of time with the boys, then collapsed into bed.  I got home very late from a very long and overstimulating work day.  He was wiped out and i was hyped up.  I had been oh so very needy for days.   It felt soooo good to melt into him, to just be with him, but it wasn't making me less needy.  I assumed though that he would want to sleep, just sleep.  I assumed a lot of things actually - that i shouldn't ask, that i should try to guess what he wants, that i should follow his lead, that it wasn't my place.....

But i took a risk.  I took his hand and guided his fingers.  I was swollen and dripping.  He likes wet - that's something i never knew before: he really likes the feel, the sloppy sounds, smearing all over, (i think) the fact that he can humiliate me in that small way. He says juicy - for some reason that term does feel humiliating, dirty and wrong.  But he says it with something like glee, part evil and part joyful abandon.  It's all very un-Domly - he tells me how much he loves it, how good my cunt feels, how much he loves fucking me - sooo not aloof or cold or distant, not putting me in a lower place, not dignified or reserved, not sadistic or mean.  But i so love seeing him enjoy himself so well - i love that i can do that for him.

Wet won out over tired.  It's fuzzy - but i remember grasping his balls - the where that he would let me touch him this time, cumming so hard, him breathing good girl into my ear through what seemed like a never ending orgasm.  Then him taking.  That's another thing that i've learned, that seems un-Domly, that i assumed all wrong; he loves fucking me just after I've cum.  I don't know what it is - but he likes the feel, he likes my response, he likes the look on my face.   It means he makes me cum, before him quite often.  The opposite of orgasm denial and seemingly the opposite of it being all about him and me of no consequence.

Good things happen when i do it his way - when i don't make assumptions.

Things that I have thought about blogging - but then didn't

Saw the 50 shades movie cuz it was on TV - never did read the books - lil was right - they couldn't have found two more bland people with no heat between them whatsoever. I also wondered how i would have responded if i had never stumbled down this particular rabbit hole - mostly i wanted her to sit back, shut up, and enjoy - but also - why does it have to be out of a place of being damaged for him- why can't it just be one more right way to be?  And yes - if i didn't have the perspective I do - I would have been outraged and thought it was abuse.  Maybe something to think about.... perspective and assumptions, etc.

That hypothetical question.... the one about would you still stick around as his slave if what he wanted from you as his slave was to be very non-slavey, to run the household, work hard at your job, raise the kids, and carry on like any other married couple with too much to do and too little time, with misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and arguing, but no real kink, no accountability, no discipline and no submission.....  that question feels less hypothetical some days - and the answer is yes - i will and do stick around because it's what is needed and the big hard thing i agreed to as His (sub/slave/whatever) was to trust him and follow him.

My pain tolerance has really declined - maybe that's good; like getting buzzed on one beer makes you a cheap date - is there an advantage to being a lightweight for pain?  Or does that make it less satisfying for him?  Or easier for him?

I love worshipping his cock - in the bad old days i would offer blow jobs to get around having him touch me or look at me too closely - it took a long time for me to learn to really accept his hands and his eyes on me.  It dawned on me recently that i love worshipping his cock now - without any of the old motivations - it's purely a focus on him and his pleasure.

I do so love having him assert his ownership of me - physically, mentally,  in deeds and demands.  It is still hard to flip from the world to him on demand - if there were ever a course that I would consider taking if it were offered - it would be on how to move from 'regular life' mode to 'His' mode - or better yet - how to be in 'His' mode all the time and still function in all the ways.

After all this time - and it has been a good deal of time - communication is still the absolute most important thing - and the hardest.