Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Things that I have thought about blogging - but then didn't

Saw the 50 shades movie cuz it was on TV - never did read the books - lil was right - they couldn't have found two more bland people with no heat between them whatsoever. I also wondered how i would have responded if i had never stumbled down this particular rabbit hole - mostly i wanted her to sit back, shut up, and enjoy - but also - why does it have to be out of a place of being damaged for him- why can't it just be one more right way to be?  And yes - if i didn't have the perspective I do - I would have been outraged and thought it was abuse.  Maybe something to think about.... perspective and assumptions, etc.

That hypothetical question.... the one about would you still stick around as his slave if what he wanted from you as his slave was to be very non-slavey, to run the household, work hard at your job, raise the kids, and carry on like any other married couple with too much to do and too little time, with misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and arguing, but no real kink, no accountability, no discipline and no submission.....  that question feels less hypothetical some days - and the answer is yes - i will and do stick around because it's what is needed and the big hard thing i agreed to as His (sub/slave/whatever) was to trust him and follow him.

My pain tolerance has really declined - maybe that's good; like getting buzzed on one beer makes you a cheap date - is there an advantage to being a lightweight for pain?  Or does that make it less satisfying for him?  Or easier for him?

I love worshipping his cock - in the bad old days i would offer blow jobs to get around having him touch me or look at me too closely - it took a long time for me to learn to really accept his hands and his eyes on me.  It dawned on me recently that i love worshipping his cock now - without any of the old motivations - it's purely a focus on him and his pleasure.

I do so love having him assert his ownership of me - physically, mentally,  in deeds and demands.  It is still hard to flip from the world to him on demand - if there were ever a course that I would consider taking if it were offered - it would be on how to move from 'regular life' mode to 'His' mode - or better yet - how to be in 'His' mode all the time and still function in all the ways.

After all this time - and it has been a good deal of time - communication is still the absolute most important thing - and the hardest.


  1. If it helps any...you are so not alone with all of these points. Sometimes i wonder if i could be hypnotized the suddenly be in the submissive mode when He snaps His fingers or say a certain word....and communication, i have decided it is the most important and will never be easy....have to settle for easier in tiny steps.
    Hugs abby

    1. abby - ooh - a switch he could flip would be handy. I think i'm stuck with learning and working - still worth it though. Thanks.

  2. I keep circling back to this - having a little trouble formulating my thought but…
    I wonder sometimes if it may be more useful to see submission as a way of being, rather than a way of doing -- if we are what they want, rather than simply doing what they want… (Or even what we want them to want…)
    Not sure if that comes through at all - or strikes any chords even if it does.
    But you made me wonder...

    1. I've been mulling this one over - i think that's an important point - he want's all of me - doesn't pick and choose me moment to moment, action to action - i keep getting stuck though on 'how can my being be communicated to him except through what i do or don't do?' Maybe less thinking would be called for - for me - for now. Thank you my friend.