Friday, July 8, 2011
Yes - the whole thing is about communication - lots and lots of it - at a deep and soul baring level - and all that...
Yes, I know, but...
It is one thing to be expected to answer, honestly even, when he asks a straightforward question, to respond to him when spoken to, to have the "shrug it off" option taken away. It is even one thing to be expected to come to him with concerns, questions, things i feel i need to or should say. It is hard sometimes - but it makes sense. Those are important, useful, open lines of communication, and more to the point - things i think he probably does need to know.
It is another thing entirely to have him demand access to and intrude, at his whim, on any of my thoughts, ideas, curiosities, passing fancies... It makes me bristle having him read over my shoulder when i email or chat, having him watch what i google or what i browse. It's the same with his having/using my passwords, or asking what my plan is for my day, or what i did today, or, or, ..... My least favorite question has become "whatcha doin?" in that singsong tone.
I know most people don't like to be eavesdropped on, or have someone read over their shoulder, or feel intrerrogated. The phrase "butt out" exists for a reason. It definitely makes me defensive and sets me on edge. It feels very, very different from answering a direct question about a specific issue. It feels instrusive and invasive.
It is the same feeling i fought against when i was learning to let him touch me at his whim. It was easy to give him access to my body in the right context - when it made sense to me, when we were clearly engaged in that kind of activity. It was extrememy difficult to give him that access when i couldn't see the point, when he felt like it but i didn't, when i thought it was the wrong time. I still occasionally have to fight back my impulse to protest, but i'm learning and i'm better.
I have learned to be open and honest when we are having a discussion that i feel is important, also when i can take time to craft the response or the message. (That doesn't sound so open and honest though does it?) This is a whole 'nother thing though, and i'm finding it very hard to learn.