Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Engaged


No - not that kind of engaged - we're already married - since forever it seems like.  But - engaged with each other, with our relationship, engaged in our lives....


Part of my problem was that i was becoming less and less engaged with him, and less engaged in our life.  And, honestly, I felt like he was less and less engaged in us, less engaged with me.  I'm sure some of that was perception, skewed by emotions.  Some of my perceptions were also the truth - he knew i was off and struggling - but not how to respond.  

We also each misunderstood the other on some really fundamental things, things like consent and what it affords each of us:  he needs to know that i ultimately have an out - that there is never a question of non-consent or abuse; i need to know i have room in the whole thing to have doubts and to kick at it and that it will remain firmly in place.  This sounds so basic, so black and white, no room for interpretation.  I suppose not for us.   We've worked to straighten this out - to explain ourselves better to each other, to set a plan.  But - you can never know what you don't know.  

There were also paradoxes i couldn't reconcile mentally or learn to live with gracefully.  I'm learning - maybe not graceful, but starting to accept.  

It's hard for me to hold both in my head - to do my own work,  to be responsible for and control myself - and to let go and trust him to take care of me.  For some reason, for me, these are mutually exclusive things.  
My concept of active submission, taking care of myself, controlling myself, being responsible for myself - competed with the idea of learning to rely on him, to defer to him when necessary, to allow him in and to allow myself to be open and to accept his intrusion, physically and mentally - esp to accept that he is so easily able to influence and even manipulate my mental and emotional state.  

There was the selfish, but very strong feeling that if he wants me to be open and vulnerable, and submissive, then he needs to take responsibility for maintaining my mental and emotional balance.  He should see when i'm off  or struggling and he should step in and fix it - fix me.  I became angry, then despondent when he didn't.  I wasn't able to see how to be me, how to be the strong, capable, self reliant person  i am, and who he loves, and at the same time submit to him, to be his girl.  I am starting to feel how it works.  I can't explain it, but the paradox is becoming less important.

And there is active dominance also (thanks mouse).  I don't need him to step in and fix me, i don't want to lose my own strength, i don't want him to force me into submission; I do however need to know that he wants and values my submission, i need some input about how he wants that submission to look, i need him to be engaged.  And he has been.  And the dominance and the submission really do feed each other and build us both up.  




18 comments:

  1. Good to see you back, and glad things are working well.
    Sometimes I think that submission is the grey line we walk between back and white, between personal responsibility and no control at all. And it can be such a fine line...But it does seem to be circular--like you said, submission feeds Dominance, Dominance feeds submission, and around we go balancing as good as we can.

    Knowing that he wants and values submission...Sometimes it's the best way to be able to stay happily on our path.

    Okay, dunno if I'm making sense or just taking up space here lol. I'm still working on my first cup of coffee.
    And really? I'm just happy to see you writing and content.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lil,
      thank you. You're making perfect sense. For me - i do need to know he wants this - i just do. The rest - hopefully i will figure out.

      Delete
  2. Yay!!!! So happy you posted this and things are meshing in your life again!

    Big, big hugs,
    mouse

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. mouse,
      thanks - i do appreciate it!

      Delete
  3. Oh its nice to see you back, i only recently started following your blog and then 2 posts later you took a break...i thought well i couldnt have offended her already!..kidding.

    Glad everything is back on track for you.

    tori

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. tori,
      can't imagine how you could have offended - but no - i really needed to shift my focus. things are making more sense now - thank you.

      Delete
  4. nice to see you, sounds like your break worked.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sir - thank you - it was a worthwhile break.

      Delete
  5. Staying engaged with each other is actually a bit of work - it can be fun work, but it certainly doesn't just glide along like some would have you believe. Glad you guys are doing it. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. conina,
      it does take work - and in the most unexpected places sometimes. thanks.

      Delete
  6. Yay!! i'm so glad to see you back!

    And delighted that you're finding your way together again...

    aisha

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm glad to see you are back to sharing your "wondering's" with us, and your "figuring things out" as well.

    All TTWD sounds like it should be simple, yet it is quite complicated at times. I know for myself I love it when I am off and he steps up to fix things, yet it is not going to always happen and it leaves me floundering when it doesn't. But yet if I take the initiative and get myself right it seems to restore the balance, and his dominance, much quicker.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Serenity,thank you. You're right - it does take two - it always comes back to that.

      Delete
  8. I have slightly the opposite problem, but I think it is just so individual in balancing the areas of control. That the balance is part of having a connection. Meaning, everyone who is in a lifestyle that embraces D/s is also a couple who actively seek the balance that is unique to them as a couple. Finding where it is will be different for each pair. Even if one left to begin anew with someone else, the balance would be in a much different place. There are two individuals melding their unique needs into one unique relationship. Just my perspective.
    At times I seek my independence from H and at others he feels the need to push me from him to stand alone in a sense. I tend to cling too much to needing to feel his dominance. Sort of different from you. But at the same time, we are also seeking our unique balance.
    I'm so glad that it's in better balance for you both. Communication really does wonders, doesn't it?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. that has been a hard thing to learn for me - easy to say and see, but hard to keep straight in my head - everyone's balance is so different. thank you.

      Delete
  9. A nice post. For us that balance is not a stagnant thing either. Once found it works for a time and then needs adjustment. Sometimes I feel I need him to know too, and then I realize he needs me to open up, to say what I need. And sometimes that works and sometimes not. Getting it all right, those perfectly balanced moments come and go, don't they? And good times in a marriage do ebb and flow too, I think. Grace...I'm working on that too, and have been for years and years it seems. Sigh...

    Sara

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sara,
      Thank you. It is very nice to see you back, i am so glad to read you are getting stronger.

      i hadn't put together the thought of grace, and being graceful until i read your post. For me, grace has always meant stepping myself back and letting something else work through me, whether that is God or just a wiser part of me i had ignored. I see that the two both fit together. The balance is indeed precarious - but worth chasing and worth holding onto.

      Delete