whatiwonder: December 2012

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

to serve man

Well - to serve this particular man...

I don't seem to have the right recipe these days....

All the lovely stories - controlled, contained, led along to discover the wonderful world of pain, and pleasure, and being owned. It would be just challenging enough, but in a feel good, sexy way...

of course, that serves me

but - god - do i want that - i want to walk in the door after work and abdicate all responsibility for anything - undress, sit quietly somewhere, fetch drinks and wait to be used...

i want the control too - someone to be my personal life coach, to keep me on track, to hold me accountable, to readjust my mood when i get a bit off - that would be useful - and sexy....

He has other ideas though

His ideas involve real life, me having some self control, and oddly - wearing clothes.

This is all tongue-in-cheek. But it's real also.

He wants to move things, change them, he says "evolve."

I liked where things had been. Change is scary.

And i am having the hardest time figuring out how to follow, how to let go of my expectations, how to be hopeful about the change (trust?).

And he is having a hard time communicating his wants to me, I think maybe he hasn't got it all completely figured out, exactly where he wants to go or how he wants to be.

Serving seems to involve some very non-sexy things: waiting, trying to remain optimistic when i really want to fall apart, being open to different ways of seeing things, listening instead of assuming, respecting him for trying and learning when i really just want him to provide simple answers.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

wants

Him: Am I the right man for you?

Yes, oh God yes, and it terrifies me and makes me spin to hear this question, and i don't even know of any other way to answer this. Life is huge, you are huge, complex, in my soul and all around - there is so very much to it, to you, to us.... you are absolutely right for me, across all of it. I wonder every day what i did in my previous life to be so lucky in this one.

But i think what you're really asking is, "are there things you want that I can't give you?" And there are things i think about: some are simply fantasies, some are wishes, and some are things i think i want, would be good for me... And that's the rub - yes - there are things i want, or think i want, that you don't give me (I know the same is true for me to you).

Fantasies are just that - fantastical, not meant to be reality, ever. Wishes are fine - but i've never been one to get lost in wishing and miss the here and now.

And the last - the things i think i might want, - here's the thing - i don't want you to give me what i want just because i want it, but i do want it to be ok for me to have the wants, i want it to be safe, for you to maybe even use that for yourself.

And yes - i see the irony, the contradiction. I'm drowning in irony in fact. I want, i want, i want - i want you to control all of my wants, but i know you won't entirely do that, and in refusing to do what i want, you are...

It's on me - i need to figure out how to make it work, how to work with you, your way.

When you described it, what you want for us, your way - i felt peaceful and joyful and very much yours. When i try to be that - i feel lost, and very far away from you, and twisted around.

And i am twisted around - because i can see that it only gets bad when i start wanting, for me. And then i get trapped in that and can't see beyond myself.

I am working to shift my focus, to follow you.

Yes - you are the right man for me - absolutely. Please - I need your help.