Tuesday, December 11, 2012

wants





Him:  Am I the right man for you?
Yes, oh God yes, and it terrifies me and makes me spin to hear this question, and i don't even know of any other way to answer this.  Life is huge, you are huge, complex, in my soul and all around - there is so very much to it, to you, to us.... you are absolutely right for me, across all of it.  I wonder every day what i did in my previous life to be so lucky in this one.

But i think what you're really asking is, "are there things you want that I can't give you?"  And there are things i  think about: some are simply fantasies,  some are wishes,  and some are things i think i want, would be good for me...  And that's the rub - yes - there are things i want, or think i want, that you don't give me (I know the same is true for me to you).  

Fantasies are just that - fantastical, not meant to be reality, ever. Wishes are fine - but i've never been one to get lost in wishing and miss the here and now. 

And the last - the things i think i might want, - here's the thing - i don't want you to give me what i want just because i want it, but i do want it to be ok for me to have the wants, i want it to be safe, for you to maybe even use that for yourself.  

And yes - i see the irony, the contradiction.  I'm drowning in irony in fact.  I want, i want, i want - i want you to control all of my wants, but i know you won't entirely do that, and in refusing to do what i want, you are...

It's on me - i need to figure out how to make it work, how to work with you, your way. 

When you described it, what you want for us, your way -  i felt peaceful and joyful and very much yours.   When i try to be that - i feel lost, and very far away from you, and twisted around. 

And i am twisted around - because i can see that it only gets bad when i start wanting, for me.  And then i get trapped in that and can't see beyond myself.

I am working to shift my focus, to follow you.  

Yes - you are the right man for me - absolutely.   Please - I need your help.

13 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thank you. Waiting to see feels so much harder than actively doing.

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  2. Very nice, gg. Sounds like you are well on your way to working it out.

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  3. Beautifully done. And I get it. And there's one of my favorite lines: "You can't always get what you want......you get what you need."
    You're doing the work!

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    1. Thank you. I think that has been his drive - what we need. It's hard not knowing, waiting.

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  4. It is easy to get twisted around. The fantasies, the wishes, the longings, or just tantalizing ideas and trying to categorize them as such and share. You likely wouldn't have gotten where you are without "wanting" for yourself. I find learning to just follow in this situation is complicated, though it should be simple.

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    1. Exactly - it should be simple - but just doesn't work that way. Thank you.

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  5. Ah, it is indeed a tough one, gg (at least I've found it to be) but...wanting leads us to knowing what we really want--we can't help but ask for more because life is always causing us to want, want, want. And that's a good thing. It would be so simple to place it all on the other half and have them control the wants but I don't think there would be much growth or exploration...wants help us to formulate further desires, wishes, dreams and can get us both on the same page. My husband told me, he wouldn't want to control everything I want because to him, there is pleasure and joy in discovering what it is I want and we continue. Hope you find some peace with all this (and sorry I rambled but I think about this so often!)

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    1. Bleuame,
      You are right - of course - and my husband tells me the same thing. When it's all good - it's good. I sometimes do a very poor job of waiting, being patient, expressing my wants, not pouting when i don't get what i want.... This time, now - he is changing, moving things differently, evolving - and i am fearful about following along, about possibly giving up things i like and am comfortable with. I let my fear and selfishness overrule my trust in him.

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  6. OMG - I loved this. So much - yes you are the right man, but yes, there are other things I want too. They can coexist... no one can be everything, but there is usually one who is way more than enough. And just the fact of asking - amazing.

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  7. I have my own DD blog

    www.1950princess.blogspot.co.uk

    Princess

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  8. I know exactly how you feel, I just wish I could express it as you have.

    *hugs*

    Turiya

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