Well - to serve this particular man...
I don't seem to have the right recipe these days....
All the lovely stories - controlled, contained, led along to discover the wonderful world of pain, and pleasure, and being owned. It would be just challenging enough, but in a feel good, sexy way...
of course, that serves me
but - god - do i want that - i want to walk in the door after work and abdicate all responsibility for anything - undress, sit quietly somewhere, fetch drinks and wait to be used...
i want the control too - someone to be my personal life coach, to keep me on track, to hold me accountable, to readjust my mood when i get a bit off - that would be useful - and sexy....
He has other ideas though
His ideas involve real life, me having some self control, and oddly - wearing clothes.
This is all tongue-in-cheek. But it's real also.
He wants to move things, change them, he says "evolve."
I liked where things had been. Change is scary.
And i am having the hardest time figuring out how to follow, how to let go of my expectations, how to be hopeful about the change (trust?).
And he is having a hard time communicating his wants to me, I think maybe he hasn't got it all completely figured out, exactly where he wants to go or how he wants to be.
Serving seems to involve some very non-sexy things: waiting, trying to remain optimistic when i really want to fall apart, being open to different ways of seeing things, listening instead of assuming, respecting him for trying and learning when i really just want him to provide simple answers.
GG--that whole clothes thing really is a bother at times! How dare these D's change the game! (and just when it is all figured out, too)
ReplyDeleteI'm teasing there...kind of
We just went through this a couple of months back (him changing, adding our own 'evolving')
Keep communicating and it helped me to look at it as a new thing to 'trust' and draw from all the previous years :o)
Bleuame,
DeleteThank you - I find it interesting that, reading about other people going through changes, and the fear and difficulty of it - it's easy for me to think of it as normal, necessary, safe; yet when i'm in the middle of it, i can't see that for myself. You're right though, i do have every reason to trust him.
Change can be scary especially when your not in control of said changes, but its growth and i do think thats always a positive thing, im not great at adjusting to changes.
ReplyDeleteTori,
DeleteVery true - and this time hit me hard. Hopefully the change of routine with the holidays will help my mindset. Thanks.
I am glad that you are writing about this - I can see you trying, but wondering and both are okay and good. I send you well wishes as you guys figure out the new routine that he is hoping for. And I hope it continues to be the sort of thing that works out well for you as it has in the past. :)
ReplyDeleteKitty - thank you. The past few weeks, maybe months have been different. And i do seem to be unable to really write about things until i turn some kind of a corner in my mind - not that all is fixed, but that i at least see the way out. Thank you for your well wishes. I hope you and yours have peaceful time together over the next few weeks.
DeleteChange is scary. Until, that is you've adapted to the change and the next change comes along.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
mouse
mouse - thank you - adapting seems to be coming harder this time. But yes - it will come and i will wonder what all the fuss was about.
DeleteJust relax, change is inevitable whether good or bad. Change isn't scary, it's thinking about it that's scary. Just let the future arrive by itself!
ReplyDeleteMalcolm,
DeleteIt does sound simpler, and more appealing, that way. Thank you.
"Serving seems to involve some very non-sexy things: waiting, trying to remain optimistic when i really want to fall apart, being open to different ways of seeing things, listening instead of assuming, respecting him for trying and learning when i really just want him to provide simple answers."
ReplyDeleteTough stuff for sure. It is so much easier to do the serving when we are talking about the "naked" kind. But it seems like we go through these cycles again and again where the serving is quite difficult and so terribly confusing. You told me once that "waiting is a prayer," and I thought that was quite beautiful, so I will offer your own words back to you.
serenity,
DeleteThank you - doing, doing anything, feels easier than waiting, especially waiting with the unknown. But the only thing to do.
Sitting and waiting while they think is MADDENING.
ReplyDeleteYet absolutely necessary -- which is even more maddening.
But I don't think any of us would want a new definition for ourselves that someone just dashed off on the corner of a napkin.
Much better to let him thoroughly test it in his mind, see if it actually fits...
Jz,
DeleteYou're right, of course. This is why i need perspective. Thanks.
Trust and letting go. Both really, really hard things.
ReplyDeletesending love,
aisha
Aisha,
DeleteThank you. It struck me this morning again how much peoples well wishes make a difference, transcending the virtual nature of the whole thing.
gg - although this response is rather late, it's important to remember past times when you have been comfortable and had to change. That change got you to the comfortable spot where you were before this new change threatened to come along. As always, waiting stinks but you will handle it well.
ReplyDeletedb,
ReplyDeletegreat point! Change is how we got this far. And stagnation doesn't really sound appealing. So onward we go...Thanks.
Hang on! hang in!
ReplyDeleteI'm sitting there too-in the waiting, also more clothed than I care to be-bustling, fetching, doing, thinking: Couldn't you please order me to bed and keep me there, busy: crying, moaning, sucking, curling tight into your chest while your large hard hand falls over and over.
Listen: Merry Christmas. Lunch soon, ok?
Saoirse,
ReplyDeleteThank you. And yes - soon.