funny story - once my heart rebooted

So - one weekend this summer my in laws stayed overnight with the kids as we were all coming and going different directions.  They stayed in our bedroom because our house has no AC; it was hot, and our room has by far the best cross breeze.  It actually makes my husband quite put out to have anyone use our bedroom, much less his parents, but he relented.

I cleaned, tucked the restraint straps waaayyy up under the mattress, double checked (we have kids so it's not like an open dungeon in there anyhow), set out some flowers, and left.

Now - my parents' relationship has always been a dysfunctional, no holds barred, R rated, for all the world to see kind of thing.  My in laws on the other hand - think G rated Disney (from the 50's Disney), not sure how the kids came to be...it's just plain nice, but - i'm not sure i've ever seen them have actual physical contact with each other.

So - later - my husband took a trip with his father and they had time to talk. Apparently his father mentioned staying in our bedroom, and wanted to relate a funny story - about staying in our bedroom.  [Want to see a Dom squirm uncomfortably? This particular scenario will do it]  

It seems  my mother-in-law rolled over and pointed to the nightstand (insert huge heart palpitation here - with visions of the sorts of things that sometimes sit on the nightstand) and said, "Look honey..."

See - the punch line of this one isn't the point at all - just hearing my husband relate the story my heart was in my mouth and my brain was going a million miles an hour through the mental list of what could have been on the nightstand, how they might have reacted, would they have had any idea what *it* was, shock at the fact that my father-in-law would ever bring it up, what would they think of us now, and how did my husband explain it to his dad then change the subject as they were trapped together in a car for 6 hours.  

".... you two are so much alike, your son is reading the same book you are."

working my way back to you

I'm going to take a moment and let that particular ear worm get fully stuck.  And if you're too young for that one, or it wasn't huge in your part of the world, here's some help.

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He is making me work my way back.  Not vindictively, or as punishment, or to prove myself, or even just because he can, although it sometimes feels like all of those things.

I think he's worried the wheels will come off again if we just jump right back in and try to pick back up mid-race.

Maybe he's right

But this sucks

I want to be back.  I want the control and the attention and the physical domination, the roughness, the demanding, the jolt of energy with the edge of fear...

I want the intimacy, the security, the quiet, the peace, the surety of it

I'm ready - in my head - for him to take it back - by force: tasks, kneeling, demands, wearing cuffs and collar, plugging, caning, so many options......  All sound - really good right now.

 I am ready to feel submissive again -  am ready to be made to feel submissive.

And yes - I see it too - "I want,"..."i'm ready to be made to feel submissive, "... "by force."

These have never been part of how he works - ever.

He'll ask, but i have to give - actively; or i have to comply - quietly, nicely.  He won't wrestle me for it.  And he can't and won't try to make me submit.

He gives me opportunities to submit - challenges even, if you will.  That feeds us both - reinforces the rightness and feelings of our roles.

Right now - the opportunity, the demands, the challenge involve waiting, listening, doing things his way, being open to his way and letting go of my expectations about the way i think it ought to be.

And - frankly - it sucks - it's not what i want, or the way i want; it's not engendering the feeling i want, and i'm not sure it's heading where i want.

So - the work involves being patient, not losing my cool, not stomping my feet, trusting that he is leading, and mostly trying over and over and over again to check myself, to re-align myself to what he wants.

it's just gone

I really wanted to call this one WTF - that's where we both are right now -

There is a feeling that is submissive - I know this because it's suddenly gone - and i'm scared and worried and a little panicky.

It feels like forever, but i can look at my post from July 27 and know that i didn't feel this way when i wrote that.  So it has been a bit, less than two weeks, but it 's gone, and we don't understand and we don't know what to do

We've learned so much, changed so much, this thing that we didn't know existed has become such an incredibly integral part of us...

I know a lot of feelings: I know what it feels like to be in a frenzy of need, to be spinning out of control with way too much noise in my head; I know what it feels like to need to push and kick at the boundaries to make sure they are strong; I know the completely conflicting feelings of anger so strong it's really rage and wanting to crawl into his arms at the same time; I know the feeling of vanilla life taking over and wondering if we'll ever get back to any kink; I know the feeling of numb overall because it's the only way to cope with the emotional overload from all directions.  

But I have never felt this - this is a very surgical removal of just the submissive - I still feel the love, the caring, the friendship, the respect I always have, but the lack is acute and the impact is unpleasant.  

I still follow the rules, maintain the rituals, submit to him physically, but He can tell and of course I can tell. There are little things - things i say that i wouldn't have, a tone of voice, a freedom to tell him instead of ask him, a palpable irritation at things or at him, a forwarding of my own agenda, a pushing away that wouldn't have been considered or tolerated...

Mostly there is an energy, a flow between us that i don't think either of us had really recognized until now, until we recognize it's absence.

Sometimes knowing why something happened helps to know how to fix it.  I have no idea why this happened.  I have maybes: maybe hormones -things are less and less predictable as i approach that age; maybe finally getting through the past very difficult months has had a toll i didn't foresee; maybe my dissatisfaction with myself because of the impact of the past several months manifests itself in not wanting to offer him this me; maybe he spends so much energy at work deciding, and leading, and guiding, and correcting, that he doesn't want to so much at home; maybe i stopped doing or working at something the right way; maybe he did; maybe both of us did....

Brutally honest self reflection has not given me any sense that any of these might or might not be the issue, or the way to focus on getting back. I think - i feel like maybe - this is a mental thing.  I've needed physical before.  I've needed beating and i've needed restraint, roughness, correction, debasement, use - whether i could say so out loud or not, I've known deep down when i've needed them.  I don't think this time it's physical.

And I'm not sure how to change the mental.  

There are a million things he could do to keep me from getting it back, but i'm not sure there's a single thing he can do to get it back for me. It's a loop, a flow of energy, and if he's not feeding it back to me, or I to him, the flow stops.  Each of us depends on the other, but neither of us can completely carry the other.  

I still wear His collar, intellectually i am still His,  we have a mechanism for withdrawing consent - and that isn't at all what i want -  i want it back, all of it, all the way.

doesn't really apply

Maybe you've already seen this one around - it came me from fb - where nothing is ever really new..

It's not a term he uses - but -

something about the kid's view vs. mom's vs. dad's made me chuckle