Saturday, August 17, 2013

working my way back to you

I'm going to take a moment and let that particular ear worm get fully stuck.  And if you're too young for that one, or it wasn't huge in your part of the world, here's some help.

He is making me work my way back.  Not vindictively, or as punishment, or to prove myself, or even just because he can, although it sometimes feels like all of those things.

I think he's worried the wheels will come off again if we just jump right back in and try to pick back up mid-race.

Maybe he's right

But this sucks

I want to be back.  I want the control and the attention and the physical domination, the roughness, the demanding, the jolt of energy with the edge of fear...

I want the intimacy, the security, the quiet, the peace, the surety of it

I'm ready - in my head - for him to take it back - by force: tasks, kneeling, demands, wearing cuffs and collar, plugging, caning, so many options......  All sound - really good right now.

 I am ready to feel submissive again -  am ready to be made to feel submissive.

And yes - I see it too - "I want,"..."i'm ready to be made to feel submissive, "... "by force."

These have never been part of how he works - ever.

He'll ask, but i have to give - actively; or i have to comply - quietly, nicely.  He won't wrestle me for it.  And he can't and won't try to make me submit.

He gives me opportunities to submit - challenges even, if you will.  That feeds us both - reinforces the rightness and feelings of our roles.

Right now - the opportunity, the demands, the challenge involve waiting, listening, doing things his way, being open to his way and letting go of my expectations about the way i think it ought to be.

And - frankly - it sucks - it's not what i want, or the way i want; it's not engendering the feeling i want, and i'm not sure it's heading where i want.

So - the work involves being patient, not losing my cool, not stomping my feet, trusting that he is leading, and mostly trying over and over and over again to check myself, to re-align myself to what he wants.


  1. Yes, but…


    You two are a team.
    And teams have to know they can each rely on the other.
    Force doesn't engender the kind of trust that requires.

    But knowing it doesn't make the adjustment any better, does it?

    I'll just shut up and give you a shoulder bump now...

    1. I do know this, i even believe it, and agree - it can't really be any other way. This was my 3 year old self pouting a little bit. If i stomp my feet a bit here, I can be more grown-up irl. Thanks for the bumps - i appreciate it.

  2. You say:

    "the work involves being patient, not losing my cool, not stomping my feet, trusting that he is leading, and mostly trying over and over and over again to check myself, to re-align myself to what he wants."

    Isn't that submitting as much as getting caned? It's just not as much fun.

    Thinking of you both...


    1. Absolutely - it is - it is in fact what it is really about - as Jz says- the rest can't happen without that. You're right - this is at the core of submitting. This is just my little fit. And it's telling him I know what he wants, and i'm working on it. Thank you for the encouragement.

  3. Green-girl, I've been thinking of your last post, on and off for days.

    A while ago, I was telling a good kinky-minded-friend of mine that I am not recovering as quickly as 'normal' between play sessions. At the time, I was experiencing a delayed sub-drop; I would be fine the day of or the day after we played but the next day, I would practically fall apart.
    Friend pointed out to me that the longer you play and the harder you play, the more condition you become to it and the more you need of it to reach that headspace or reinforce the conditioning. It was an interesting theory, though I'm not totally sure I agreed.
    But I think conditioning does take it tool and not just in play: There comes a point where the submissive acts are automatic--from how he wants his coffee to how he wants me presented--where it all can just feel rote. And every once in awhile, I feel there is a need to break from those patterns to redefine them or to be reminded of how and when and why it all started. In the past at those points in time, I wouldn't feel very submissive--I was doing the same things because of the conditioning, because of my want and desire to please him--but I wasn't feeling the same way. So I broke away and got a little more curt and a little more snippy--it is nothing so blatant as acting up or bratting out. This doesn't happen very often--maybe a couple times of year--and that's when we know, we just need a retooling of the order and establishment.
    We aren't robots;o)

    1. Bleuame,
      I think there is definitely something to that - it is important. All those little things that serve to remind and re-align and reinforce - they do become rote, or tedious, or too commonplace. They no longer serve. I'm sure he is right to start back differently instead of just resuming right back where we were. I'm also sure I'm glad not to be the one to have to try to strike the perfect balance all the time. thank you.

  4. oh i must have missed you last post...just caught up.

    Months ago perhaps a year it seems a blur now, Master and i ran into problems or rather i did, i had huge struggles with my submission, i didnt want to submit, i started questioning the morals of was a difficult time for both of us, i threw some horrid things as him, i questioned his dominance over me, pondered if it was was a mess.

    With a lot of sitting down and talking we got to the bottom of what triggerred this..and it was in fact brought about by a conversation with a friend about my relationship...she was questioning it and in turn made me question it.

    Anyways im getting to the point honestly lol

    It left me feeling like a failure, that perhaps i wasnt cut out for this, it took time and a lot of patience on his part to get through it, it was horrible but yeah i know its a cliche but i do believe we have come out all the more stronger for it.

    I think its ok to have these moments, not nice for sure...but as long as you both want to get things back on track..which you clearly do then really the only way is up...isnt it? and you have learn more about each other and thats always a good thing.


    1. tori,
      i like that, "...the only way is up." It's true. How can the dynamic between us remain ever the same if we as people keep changing. And yea - we do each have to keep learning - Him too - cuz i'm apparently sometimes complicated. thank you.

  5. you're together, your working on your issues...His issues with you...your dynamic issues...and that's hard work. I'd stomp and pout a bit too. It's danged hard work sometimes.

    Sending whammies...and a hug. :) I'm a hugger, what can I say.


    1. nilla,
      Aww - thank you - I'm not a huge hugger - well - sometimes - i have a funny story about that.... some other time. but i appreciate it - i do. And yes - it all has to be work - honestly - life is work, and it should be. We are getting back. We'll be here again, or somewhere else - that's also life. Each time we learn to trust the process a little more. thank you