There is a feeling that is submissive - I know this because it's suddenly gone - and i'm scared and worried and a little panicky.
It feels like forever, but i can look at my post from July 27 and know that i didn't feel this way when i wrote that. So it has been a bit, less than two weeks, but it 's gone, and we don't understand and we don't know what to do
We've learned so much, changed so much, this thing that we didn't know existed has become such an incredibly integral part of us...
I know a lot of feelings: I know what it feels like to be in a frenzy of need, to be spinning out of control with way too much noise in my head; I know what it feels like to need to push and kick at the boundaries to make sure they are strong; I know the completely conflicting feelings of anger so strong it's really rage and wanting to crawl into his arms at the same time; I know the feeling of vanilla life taking over and wondering if we'll ever get back to any kink; I know the feeling of numb overall because it's the only way to cope with the emotional overload from all directions.
But I have never felt this - this is a very surgical removal of just the submissive - I still feel the love, the caring, the friendship, the respect I always have, but the lack is acute and the impact is unpleasant.
I still follow the rules, maintain the rituals, submit to him physically, but He can tell and of course I can tell. There are little things - things i say that i wouldn't have, a tone of voice, a freedom to tell him instead of ask him, a palpable irritation at things or at him, a forwarding of my own agenda, a pushing away that wouldn't have been considered or tolerated...
Mostly there is an energy, a flow between us that i don't think either of us had really recognized until now, until we recognize it's absence.
Sometimes knowing why something happened helps to know how to fix it. I have no idea why this happened. I have maybes: maybe hormones -things are less and less predictable as i approach that age; maybe finally getting through the past very difficult months has had a toll i didn't foresee; maybe my dissatisfaction with myself because of the impact of the past several months manifests itself in not wanting to offer him this me; maybe he spends so much energy at work deciding, and leading, and guiding, and correcting, that he doesn't want to so much at home; maybe i stopped doing or working at something the right way; maybe he did; maybe both of us did....
Brutally honest self reflection has not given me any sense that any of these might or might not be the issue, or the way to focus on getting back. I think - i feel like maybe - this is a mental thing. I've needed physical before. I've needed beating and i've needed restraint, roughness, correction, debasement, use - whether i could say so out loud or not, I've known deep down when i've needed them. I don't think this time it's physical.
And I'm not sure how to change the mental.
There are a million things he could do to keep me from getting it back, but i'm not sure there's a single thing he can do to get it back for me. It's a loop, a flow of energy, and if he's not feeding it back to me, or I to him, the flow stops. Each of us depends on the other, but neither of us can completely carry the other.
I still wear His collar, intellectually i am still His, we have a mechanism for withdrawing consent - and that isn't at all what i want - i want it back, all of it, all the way.