Saturday, December 21, 2013

New Year

I'm different from most people in some ways, one of which is that i tend to live very much in the now; i don't pine away for the past and i don't wish away my life dreaming about what's to come; i don't live in regret for what's already done and i don't tend to get swallowed up in anxiety or dread about what may happen in the future.

That sounds like such a zen,self-actualized, positive kind of thing.  It's not necessarily.  Sometimes i feel childish or simpleminded, or that my psyche is somehow not quite grown up, like other people have access to more of life because they can live in their pasts and their futures and not just their presents.

Right now especially, i'm wishing i could fast forward.  This year has been a difficult one, the past few months especially.  I am slogging through rather than living and experiencing and participating.  And i know my husband is in his own same boat.  The fact that this comes at a time when the calendar dictates that we ought to be jolly and carefree and full of joy is not a help.

Our dynamic is just that - living, changing, in motion.... And the forces behind its movement are he and I. My force is clearly different from his, but we both impact the whole.  When he and I are low, so is the dynamic, which it is indeed right now.

Another (very un-sexy, un-interesting, un-attractive) trait of me is that i tend to just put my head down and do.  The only way through is through, so i keep slogging.  And so i will.

This year though - uncharacteristically - i am looking forward to the New Year. I know that my un-dramatic, no-nonsense, just do what needs to be done, way of being is not always so bleak.  Most often i ride on top of the waves, thriving on the challenges and the pace.  I'm looking forward to being back there, and i'm looking forward to having some force to give to Us to help move Us along as well.


  1. "Another (very un-sexy, un-interesting, un-attractive) trait of me is that i tend to just put my head down and do. The only way through is through, so i keep slogging. And so i will."

    If I may disagree with your personal assessment for a moment (because I'm such an expert), I think that is rather sexy, very interesting, and awesomely attractive--Too many people just give up and don't bother slogging through. The smart-ass in me wants to say that nobody likes a quitter...The rest of me couldn't resist.

    I hope the year to come brings you and yours many blessings, and that the waves reach beautiful and previously unknown heights.

    1. lil,
      I guess i feel like my way isn't especially interesting, or dramatic, or noteworthy - so, while it may be more productive, steady, dependable, and useful - it just feels boring. thank you - for the wishes - and for pointing out that maybe my way is ok too. All the best to you and your family this coming year as well.

  2. I do so hope that 2014 is better

  3. Greengirl: Living in the moment, is not can actually be a hard thing to do. I'm with lil on this ;o)

    But sometimes, its good to look forward, to the next moment or future moments, especially if doing so causes you to feel hopeful. And feeling hopeful, can be very powerful.

    Greengirl: I hope 2014 brings you great moments and new joys. Good thoughts to you and yours, my friend.

  4. bleuame,
    I think in this case, looking forward is a very good thing, you're right. Thank you, and best wishes for the coming year for you as well.

  5. Life is full of anxiety right now and i am having difficulty not dwelling on the past events of the last few weeks, but reading your blog brought a sort of calm, reminding me of the beauty in focusing on the present :) Hope you have a beautiful New Year xx

    1. AvaGrace,
      Thank you. I hope that the anxiety is lessened for you and that the new year brings you peace.