New Year

I'm different from most people in some ways, one of which is that i tend to live very much in the now; i don't pine away for the past and i don't wish away my life dreaming about what's to come; i don't live in regret for what's already done and i don't tend to get swallowed up in anxiety or dread about what may happen in the future.

That sounds like such a zen,self-actualized, positive kind of thing.  It's not necessarily.  Sometimes i feel childish or simpleminded, or that my psyche is somehow not quite grown up, like other people have access to more of life because they can live in their pasts and their futures and not just their presents.

Right now especially, i'm wishing i could fast forward.  This year has been a difficult one, the past few months especially.  I am slogging through rather than living and experiencing and participating.  And i know my husband is in his own same boat.  The fact that this comes at a time when the calendar dictates that we ought to be jolly and carefree and full of joy is not a help.

Our dynamic is just that - living, changing, in motion.... And the forces behind its movement are he and I. My force is clearly different from his, but we both impact the whole.  When he and I are low, so is the dynamic, which it is indeed right now.

Another (very un-sexy, un-interesting, un-attractive) trait of me is that i tend to just put my head down and do.  The only way through is through, so i keep slogging.  And so i will.

This year though - uncharacteristically - i am looking forward to the New Year. I know that my un-dramatic, no-nonsense, just do what needs to be done, way of being is not always so bleak.  Most often i ride on top of the waves, thriving on the challenges and the pace.  I'm looking forward to being back there, and i'm looking forward to having some force to give to Us to help move Us along as well.