Absolutely everything changes.
One of my sons has had an extremely serious health crisis. I know, but i can't really let myself contemplate, how close it was that he wouldn't still be with us.
He is out of immediate danger but has a very long road ahead of him, ahead of us. And the threat still hangs over us, and will for a long time.
Everything is different now: constant vigilance, our attention pulled away from the usual things, exhaustion, juggling, trying to hold it all together, not breaking down, not breaking.
Taking care of him is first right now, but also trying to to maintain some kind of normal for our other son, and for us quite frankly. I know how important it is that we (my husband and I) stay together, stay strong, stay open and connected.
For many reasons, my husband is the one whose job is modified for the time being, which means that for now, he is home during the day and i go to work. That is hard for me, though i knew it would be. Having him do more here, do things i previously did, is just so necessary right now that i can't really worry about it. I kind of knew that would be the case as well. And talk of us, work (and play) towards the 'us' is random and intermittent and very odd, which also seems inevitable and unavoidable.
What has surprised me, and what bothers me and worries me right now are some of my responses. I'm still obeying, still doing the things i am supposed to do; i've had no impulse or thought of taking off my collar and chucking it all till life is simpler again. It is all so solid that i really do fall back on it for support rather than find it an added burden. That's a good surprise i guess.
But, while i find it easy to do and to obey, i am finding it extremely difficult, often impossible, to be open and intimate with him. I'm horny, very, which makes absolutely no sense at all. But i can't let him comfort me. His hand on my shoulder, a hug, holding hands, cuddling - all make me break down, or cringe, or panic. I know he needs the contact and the intimacy and he needs me open and he needs comfort too. But i can't see a way through this. I don't know how.....