Keeping M/s in the bedroom would never really have worked for us - i think we both realized that a long time ago.
It would be fun to have a relationship that was only about sex and intimacy and the play of power with all that. I think that (very, very hypothetically speaking) I could easily compartmentalize a relationship that involved play and pain and sex and fun neurotransmitters, completely apart from house and kids and jobs and pets and yardwork and family and politics and, and, and..... That play/sex relationship could be incredible - no distractions, nothing to bring it down, nothing but the fun. Since it's hypothetical - neither or us would ever be stressed, or under the weather, or unavailable either. ....oh, wouldn't it be loverly...?
I'm not, in fact, interested in engaging in any sexy fun, or intimacy of any kind, with anyone but my husband/Master - and neither is he (with anyone but me). That means that there is no real compartmentalizing - we each get the whole package, warts and all - ups and downs, fun and frustrations, our whole selves, all the time. Of course - it's the fact that we bring all of ourselves and our years together that allows us to be who we are with each other; the knowing and the trust are just so much more than they could possibly be with anyone else. That hypothetical, sexy fun would be so much more superficial and limited than with Him - it just wouldn't be the same.
Being His - really His - means serving too. I don't really mean keeping house, cooking, cleaning... Honestly - i did all that before and i would need to do it no matter what. Our division of labor (yes - there is a division of labor, he does a lot for me/us) looks like it always did and like a million other married/working families. I try to do nice things for him - i do think i could do more, something to work on for sure. And he does nice things for me - i don't think that will ever change, not outside of a scene or particular circumstance he sets up.
Serving means putting my ego and my wants aside to put his ahead. I've always thought that concept didn't fit for me. I would read people write about, "I live to make Him/Her happy, I just want to please Him/Her..." I've wondered if slave/submissive really fit for me - i do not always and in every case have his wishes/desires/happiness as my first impulse. My own ego asserts itself pretty strongly and i often struggle with feeling hurt, deprived, put-out, whatever. I do like to be able to please him, and i love him - i love it when he's happy, content, satisfied, enjoying himself, at peace, feeling good...
When doing what i can to help bring about his happiness and good feelings, wellbeing, etc., conflict with my wants and desires, i have to work to make that choice and to act on it. And i don't always succeed. It is especially hard when what he needs is room and freedom to see to the things he needs to take care of, when i can't materially help him, i can only back up and let him do what he must. The un-sexy, serving part of it is waiting patiently for his attention and time, relieving what burden I can, not being more of one.
It is full of paradoxes, this lifestyle: i am both more self-less (though hardly where i would want to be) and more greedy than ever before; and wants both of those from me, plays them both and enjoys them (putting words in his mouth - i believe he does in any case).
Women don't actually believe that men don't want to sleep with other women do they? We might not do it out of obligation and honor, but that doesn't mean we don't. Every dude wants to sleep with as many women as possible. Its in our DNA. Just saying.
ReplyDeleteHmmm, that seems like an unfair broad comment you are applying to a whole gender. That may be the way you feel which is fine but I certainly don't think you are speaking of all men. There are plenty of men out there that have no desire to be with another, including my Master and that is something that has been offered time an again. It's just not an interest for him
DeleteAnon - I will ask my husband his take on this - I've never asked him this question specifically - what motivates him to be monogomous.
DeleteI am familiar with the research - biological and anthropological - that indicates that monogomy is not inherent for us in the way we may believe. I believe, however, that there is huge variability in people; in the way things are expressed or not expressed. All people need food. I love food, i love the flavors, the textures, the sensuality of it, the satisfaction. I have reasonable control though, i don't fel driven to overindulge the way some people do. But I also know people for whom food is just a necessary part of life, not anything they enjoy. They eat only because they have to. We are all driven to eat - but the expression of that drive is different.
Maybe my husband is constrained by honor and obligation. I am sure he appreciates the look of other women. Maybe he wants to sleep with them and just exercises self control. Maybe his deeper desire for stability and connection override his desire to sleep around. I don't know. I'll ask.
Thanks DB - i know my husband isn't alone - although it can feel more and more unusual these days.
DeleteI asked my husband what keeps him monogamous after 25+ years. His answer was "Because I love you and I'd never want to hurt you like that, what brought that on? Reading another blog ;)". Human nature being what it is one can be attracted to someone different but that doesn't mean one is forced to act on those attractions. We aren't animals. We do have a choice in the matter. I place myself in the group that has one of the good ones.
DeleteOn a general note. The unsexy parts exist for us too. Not as often since our kids are gone and thousands of miles away but we had A LOT of those days in the not so distant past. Honestly, more than the fun parts. Hard to get into a scene when you hear from the room down the hall "we're still awake in here!". Plus I'm quite a handful left to my own devices so when you live it 24/7 the lines are blurred but it's the foundation of a relationship that helps to get you thru the mundane/drudgery part that come with life in general.
I think most women are aware of the "Oh, look! Cute!" instincts hard-wired into males, Anonymous. What GG refers to, I believe, is what my master/husband of 47 years calls the diminishing returns phenomenon. He thinks the novelty a weak substitute for the flat-out adoration - and personalized cocksucking - he knows are available to him at home. We are comfortable with each other, which sounds unsexy, but isn't!
ReplyDeleteGR - welcome. I love this response! and I love hearing about relationships that endure, especially in this world.
DeleteMore to the point of what you were saying, it IS awfully hard to sit tight and give them the time they need. (And you know I know of what you speak…) But when it's what they need, well… that's what you do.
ReplyDeleteYour ego may assert itself but I don't really think that's a price it's actually willing to pay.
At least not to live with.
But that's just one woman's opinion. :-)
Jz - it is hard - i'm marginally better at it - though i think you get cannonized before anyone else. There are prices he wouldn't want me to pay - this i believe. thanks sweetie!
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